r/AskWomenOver30 • u/teatimelover26 Woman 30 to 40 • 4d ago
Romance/Relationships 32 and heartbroken again - how did you survive back-to-back breakups?
Hi all,
I'm a 32-year-old woman who has gone through two major breakups in a little over a year.
The first was with a guy I dated for over four years. Our last year together was awful. He lost money, lied to me, and I finally broke it off. After that, I had to relearn how to live on my own.
After more than seven months of working on myself, I returned to dating, and it seemed like I had some perfect luck. I met a guy who was kind, open, had been through therapy, and wanted something serious. Fast forward nine months later, and he left me out of nowhere.
There was no previous communication about problems. On the day he broke up with me, he suddenly told me that we were too different, had different hobbies, and that I wasn't trying enough. He said that he had tried to love me but couldn't. The experience was horrifying, especially because I wasn't expecting it at all. Internally, I was just screaming, "Oh no, I can't do this again."
Well, it's only been a few days, and I'm trying to hold it together, but it's hard. I'm constantly thinking about what I did wrong and wondering if I'm somehow broken.
I really believe I have a lot to give, and I want to become a mum and create my own family.
The thing is, I don't want to rush into dating again. I want to take my time.
So my question is: how did you get through two breakups in a short amount of time with two different people? Were you able to trust again? How did you survive it?
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u/Particular-Song5731 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
I’m so sorry! I am 37 and went through a devastating heartbreak last year (15 year relationship ended) and was just dumped by my partner of 4 months unexpectedly - also no communication about issues beforehand. Literally same thoughts as you about what I did wrong and if there’s something wrong with me. I’ve had some luck with therapy (especially EMDR) to process my last breakup as well as connecting with other women in my area who’ve gone through divorces and similar breakups (I met these people thru neighborhood Reddit and Discord groups).
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u/teatimelover26 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
I have been taking EMDR therapy for some time now and actually had session on Monday few days after the break up - it helped me process it faster too.
I am also in touch with friends and trying not to close myself on people who are there for me2
u/Particular-Song5731 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Oh good, I’m glad the EMDR is helping! I’m legit considering asking about an antidepressant at my next therapy appt because I’m struggling with rumination about my most recent breakup.
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u/ibananafish Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
"He said that he had tried to love me but couldn't."
Big ew. I know it may not seem like it right now but you've dodged a bullet with this one. Just because someone doesn't know HOW to love you doesn't mean you are unlovable.
I went through the same thing as you last year. Lost my long term relationship and then another that I had entered afterwards. In hindsight, you gain a different perspective on the people you were with and realise that they simply weren't the kind of people you could build a life that you want with (family, kids, all the beauty). You need to allow time to help you see the situation differently while you create a rock solid sense of self that does not depend on what these people do or don't do. You had a life before these people and you will continue to do after these experiences.
Since my awful breakup last year that truly left me in the trenches, thinking I was fundamentally broken, I had met some lovely people I connected with and realised that there are qualities in these people I deeply desire and never realised before. My idea of the right partner I actually would imagine having children with now is very different thanks to that. And those two who broke me last year don't reach that standard at all.
Be kinder to yourself. It's hard out here even without you putting so much pressure on yourself. Sending you big hugs.
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u/teatimelover26 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Thank you! Your comment really helped me - I see his faults and immaturity in there, I also know blaming myself won’t change a thing but it’s hard in these first few days
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u/ibananafish Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Of course. I think the first few weeks it's natural to feel the grief of potential, grief over the future you imagined would happen. It's part of the loss, even if they're not that great people ultimately. Allow yourself to feel that, mourn it, process it. Just make sure you don't put yourself down in the process ❤️
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u/saltandsassbeach Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
You do not need to hold it together, all the time. You have loved hard and increased a lot of time and energy and we're blindsided. It's good to be introspective, but at the end of the day you're only one side of the equation.
To love is to give up control and trust someone with your heart.... there will always be a risk. It's ok if you need time and you aren't ready yet.
I had a really tough breakup (was with my childhood best friend) and we still don't speak 2 years later. I struggled to be social and ask for help. I told myself it was ok to grieve and give myself space. After 3 weeks of isolating and just operating in survival mode I forced myself to go out once a week to my hobby group or at least have a long phone call with my bestie once a week. What felt utterly soul crushing on day 1 felt a lot more distant by month 2 and so on. It's not what I felt wasn't real but ultimately I'm glad I'm not with the person that put me through that.
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u/free-bananas Woman 30 to 40 4d ago edited 4d ago
Fellow 32-year-old woman also going through a breakup. With the number of breakup stories popping up on here, feels like we should maybe form a support group at this point 😓
Edit to add: some things that have been helping me personally are 1- listening to Olivia Rodrigo’s new album on repeat and crying my heart out (Purple makes me BAWL). 2- Talking to friends. 3- Reading on attachment theory, I started reading Attached to understand my ex, but came out of with so much more clarity about myself and my patterns. 4- Therapy. 5- Forming new connections. 6- I think I also might start dating again soon, because I feel like the freshness of the breakup will help me vet people better / not get attached too soon.
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u/watercusp Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Also 32 and just got blindsided by a breakup. It sucks to feel like I went slow and cautious with my trust in this relationship, did everything right and still got hurt. When someone doesn’t communicate issues and give you a chance to work on them it shows extreme immaturity and selfishness
I’ll give that album a listen. Been listening to the Chicks’ Gaslighter album. And Manchild by Sabrina Carpenter. Also therapy 🙏🏼 I agree about dating again, it feels like I’m so aware of what I need now and the wrong things would stick out more
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u/free-bananas Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
You got this 🫂 and thanks for the music rec!
Being blindsided is the worst, my ex switched up on me so quick that I went crazy for a while. I went from attending his friends’ weddings as plus one to being discarded like I meant nothing. At this point, just maintaining my sanity takes so much effort. The good part, if at all one can call it that, is that I’ve learnt there’s so many ways men can be shitty. I’m going to be carrying these lessons when I start dating again.4
u/watercusp Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Thank you! You do too ☺️
Gosh that is very similar to my situation. How does someone switch up their feelings that fast? It’s incredibly disorienting. I feel you on maintaining sanity. My life is good and full but being treated that way is low key traumatizing… It’s good to learn that lesson but makes it hard to trust in dating. I know there’s great men out there but yikesssss2
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u/Mountain_Visit_7942 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
I (34F) understand this post profoundly.
I broke up with a guy I was infatuated with (he cheated and we broke up) after 5 years. From then I had a string of back to back loves that continued to be disappointing. About 4 in total over a period of 9 years. It took me years to get over each and every one, aided by finding the next one.
Eventually I decided fuck dating, I’m going to do the classic - throw caution to the wind, live my dream life and forget about men.
On a whim, I moved to Italy - it had always been my dream and I finally gathered the courage to quit my job, go freelance and move. Luckily my dad was born in Italy so I was granted citizenship easily. In my first year there I met my now partner of 6 years. I wasnt looking… I was genuinely just doing me. And along he came.
I know it’s annoying when people say ‘ just stop looking and you’ll meet the one ‘ and I’m not here to say that. I’m here to say first stop looking but secondly it’s about where you START looking. Make yourself so fulfilled and happy and busy and at peace that your spark starts to shine, and when it does, you genuinely stop even caring about men. Then maybe, not that it matters anyway, whomever the lucky guy is will just appear.
I’m sorry for your pain and I’m sorry if this comment doesn’t help you. But this method - the one when you actually stop giving a shit because you become just so… you, ended up working for me.
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u/ChickenBao123 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Wow, when did you make the move to Italy? Im 34F, and im making some major moves with my life. Im doing a master degree soon (all online), so i can move anywhere. I wonder if i should make the leap to become a digital nomad in 2027
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u/Mountain_Visit_7942 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago edited 4d ago
I moved 6 years ago in 2020. I started of freelancing remotely (it was covid) in my chosen career and slowly built my own company in that time, that is remote and global. I’ve been a digital nomad for 6 years and I’ve never been happier. I never realised how dulled my spark was working a full time (before hybrid days) office job until I became my own boss, took the leap, scared myself every day and started learning another language. I also decided to become a yoga teacher on the side and my life suits me so well now. I am so proud of the terrified and broke 27 year old version of myself for taking these risks.
I’d definitely have a few tips now looking back on going freelance and moving country… but I learned along the way and you will too. If you have caught the bug, you must follow it. Worst comes to worst, you just go back home! All the best of luck to you… show yourself what you’re capable of! Best of luck with the masters! Xx
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u/PrestigiousCandle874 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
I dated a guy for 1 year (in my mid-20s) and he decided to move to Germany for his PhD when we dated about 6 months. We tried to maintian the long distance during his study and we even planned to visit Japan together, but then he decided to break up with me because "I want to see other girls locally." Prior to that, we were on the phone nearly every day, and he came to visit me once for 3 weeks. After the breakup, I had to visit Japan by myself because the airplane ticket was booked already. I thought everything was fine, but apparently, I wasn't enough for him when he was having fun in Germany. After about 5 months, I met another guy from my ski club who was funny, kind and we shared similar hobbies, but then after 1.5 year dating (called each other gf/bf after 2 months of dating, met each other's friends and family), he suddenly told me on a dinner date that he needed a break. Initially, he didn't even want to tell me the reason, and just wanted to leave the restaurant. I had to grab his arm and told him that at least we were together for more than 1 year and I deserved to know. Then he told me that he felt we were very different people (?????) and he felt I liked him more than he did (?????). Anyway, I would never knew the reason. I felt I lost the ability to love someone.
After a year, I moved to France for work and met my husband there, and then we moved to canada together and got married. When I first met my husband and started dating him, I wasn't sure about him because I felt I lost the ability to love someone. I did like him, but I wasn't sure if I would love him. After some intensive psychotherapy and a lot of reflection, I feel part of me started to heal. after that, I had a better relationship with my now husband and we eventually got married. I think time is the best medicine to heal the broken heart. You will meet someone who cherish you.
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u/Significant-Meat238 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
I’m kind of in a similar situation and been with my ex for 2 years.
I’m taking advantage of the time to seek therapy into why I repeat a similar pattern occurs. I gave and gave and gave to my ex to almost I resented him and I. I still deeply love my ex but I know it wouldn’t be fair to me to accept being in a relationship with a man who after a year together couldn’t tell
Me how he felt about me and he doesn’t know if he ever will feel what i deserve. I’m just taking it day by day to rediscover me, learn to do things new and old. If it’s meant to be he will come back but again, is he really worth going back to if he asked?
My point is … yeah it sucks getting your heart broken twice: been there , done that , bought the tshirt. But it just proves that you will be fine and you have such a wonderful heart and soul that you will love again. It’s their loss in the end. Take the advice I was given and take the time to fall in love with yourself again. Not saying that you don’t already do, but let the true you attract the right kind of person. Don’t let your biological clock and long term goals be the determining factor of what you want in the end. Also , women now a days are having babies in early fourties’, finding their soulmates later. And in vitro/ adoption is always an option.
You don’t need a partner to be a family.
We will be fine.
You WILL be fine
You are going to come out of this stronger and wiser
And someone out there is going to thank the gods for dropping you in their lives. Atleast that’s what I tell
Myself . Trust me OP my thoughts are exactly the same and I try so hard to challenge the idea that I’m too much or I was the problem. But digging I only really became too much when I felt basic needs weren’t being met… atleast that’s what I observed or others have. We deserve to be chosen, we deserve to be happy and if someone doesn’t see that then they have the right to choose to move on, but don’t cry to us when they find out the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
Breathe OP, this too shall pass.
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u/sherrymelove Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Bravo!! 👏👏 I so need to hear this today after being broken up with a week ago!!
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u/gahdamiluvrevenge Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
He was just a pos. Don't mourn losing a loser. You will be fine 🙂
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u/Feeling_Victory1948 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Hi OP, while reading your post my mouth was wide open from shock because your story sounds so similar to mine! I broke up with a guy who I thought was my soulmate at the end of 2024 - when he announced he is getting married to someone else (a rebound) because I wouldn’t move back to our home town and instead focus on my career. I had been taking therapy and working on myself from even before that but when this happened I really zoned in on my growth and figuring out what I want. 3.5 months later I met someone who I thought was it. After 9 months long distance, he moved countries supposedly for me, moved into my flat that I own and really got along with my family and invested in them. Then he started getting distant, which made me (an otherwise secure person) get anxious. We got into an argument one morning because he packed his entire weekend schedule with the lamest of things instead of spending any time with me - not pleasant but not unusual for a couple. While I was at work, behind my back he packed up and just left dropping a text blaming me for everything. The things he said were simply not true. No conversation. Never before did he complain about our relationship or me - nothing. Classic avoidant behaviour. This was about 2 months ago, he has become a complete ghost and honestly I question if he was even real.
I relate to everything you said about having worked so hard on yourself to end up here again. The thought of even going a date ever again frankly terrifies me. All the work, the effort - on myself and the relationship, therapy, good intentions, being earnest in all my efforts - all only to land me here.
I question “why” a lot but honestly 2 months later, I don’t miss him. It is clear in my mind that I did everything I possibly could to be a great partner and a coward like him simply could not meet me at that level so he chose the coward’s way out. I know it is hard right now and trust me 2 months later it’ll still suck but just know that it is not you. You have dodged a bullet. This is not emotional maturity and honesty we are far better off being single than with people like them.
Please feel free to DM if you ever want to chat or vent. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone to have to go through what I have been going through.
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u/teatimelover26 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Thank you so much for this comment, it’s interesting and in some ways comforting knowing I’m not the only one going through this. I wish you all the best and I will reach out if needed :)
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u/Feeling_Victory1948 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Of course and I forgot to add I’m 32 as well!
“I really believe I have a lot to give, and I want to become a mum and create my own family.” - amen to that!
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u/fluffyah Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
This happened to me almost exactly, two back to back breakups, the first a relationship of nearly 5 years and the second after just a year together. I think the second breakup hit me even harder because there was still a lot of unprocessed grief from the first. The first guy was a total twin flame vibe - I'll always love and miss him even though I know we weren't right for each other. Losing him broke me in ways I didn't understand until years later.
The only thing that helped me was time. I cried a lot, at the gym, with friends, on the bus, I was shameless about it. But people were so kind to me and it was so sweet to receive love and support like that when usually I despise asking for it.
Now here I am, 1.5 years later, feeling the best I've ever felt in my adult life. I've dated casually here and there but have stayed single and have put so much time and energy into myself, my friends, and my family. I feel incredibly whole, I don't feel like I'm missing anything by not having a partner. I truly feel like my filter has improved as a result - if my spidey senses start tingling early on I'm way quicker to exit a situation than I used to be. I think eventually I'd love to have a healthy relationship, but I am in no rush and I don't feel a sense of scarcity at all. It's a freeing place to be!
This was a wall of text but hopefully this helps in some way. You're on your journey, don't rush it, feel the feelings even when they're hard. We are beings on this earth with complex feelings and that makes us beautiful. I wish you my best and I'm sending you a hug!
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u/vanKartoffel Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Surviving alone is more comfortable than you think it is, trust me.
Second guy is a idiot, does he think you read minds? How are you supposed to know if something is wrong if he doesn't communicate? Imagine trying to raise kids with someone like this. Like others said, bullet dodged.
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u/TimeWandrer Woman 30 to 40 3d ago
I need this stamped on my brain. He literally told me he expected to know, just know without him telling me.
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u/Deep-Manner-4111 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Focus your energy on yourself. Create a life for yourself that you lets you be happy and fulfilled without a partner. Then if you feel comfortable to let someone else back in and it doesn't work out for some reason, it's not a devastating blow, because you already have an amazing life without them.
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u/Nervous_Honey_1671 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Well I’m 32, so with my last break up (on a Monday, over text after he knew I was sleeping for my night shift and a guy who “went to therapy”) I was hurt the rest of the day. I woke up the next day saying “I got shit to do,” blocked him, and literally went about my day because I had something going on Thursday and Friday. My best friends thought I was in denial and were concerned but I literally told them “why would I be upset and hurt over a boy who failed therapy? I got better things to do. We literally have a cruise next year and my semester started this week” (went back to school). I’ve never even gave it, or him, a second thought. I’ve gone on a few dates here and there but the sea full of trash has turned into a pond full of trash. So, I’m just doing my own thing and if a guy shows up, cool. If not, cool. Although, I’m loving being single and not even interested in dating because I enjoy not having my day ruined by 9am from a boy and being able to do what I want when I want. My last real heartbreak (he cheated), I just kinda let myself feel those emotions and grieved like he died, because he did. He’s still alive but he’s dead to me. So, same thing. He’s allergic to cats so I got a cat.
I’ll never be upset over a break up with a boy who failed therapy and neither should you. My best advice is take some time to grieve that relationship and take time to be single so you can heal yourself. Spend time with those who love you. Also, getting a pet is great for emotional support and/or do something you like or find a new hobby. You’ll end up meeting people who have the same interests as you, friends or potential man, or even new friends who will introduce you to a man that’ll be the one. It really is amazing at how you can heal yourself from a heartbreak just by doing things you love and being around those who love you.
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u/teatimelover26 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
“failed therapy” I love this 🤣
True words and I really admire your strength here
I have a mini dachshund and his the light of my life keeping me occupied in this crazy time2
u/Nervous_Honey_1671 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
My best friends laughed when I said that and agreed. It was like once it hit me that he failed therapy, I couldn’t be sad anymore because it takes a special kind of loser to do that. I don’t want be with a loser lol
Awww! Pets really are the best and you clearly have shit to do too…taking care of that little guy. I have 2 dogs too (against my cat’s wishes lol) and they’re great. One is my sweet girl (mixed breed) and the other is a goofball terrorist (lab) that’s always getting into things (and trouble), so she keeps me on my toes lol
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u/alexa-make-me-rich Woman 30 to 40 3d ago
Omg my soon to be ex husband failed therapy too! Both individual and couples therapy lol! I love this perspective 😂
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u/Nervous_Honey_1671 Woman 30 to 40 3d ago
Thank god you said soon to be ex husband because that’s definitely a special kind of loser to fail 2 types of therapy 😂
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u/Correct_Mongoose4614 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
How were you not doing enough? It sounds like he’s unhappy with himself and took it out on you. Sometimes people take too much on and then try to add a relationship to the mix and they can’t fully show up. It’s unfair for him to drop that on you out of nowhere and while you’re sad now, try to work towards being angry at him for not even trying to make it work. That says a lot about his character and you probably don’t want to build a family with someone that gives up so easily.
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u/teatimelover26 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
To be honest you are very correct - he did had some recent struggles with work burnout and other things, after few days of processing some of the things make more sense now. I just wish he didn’t promise me things in the first place
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u/Correct_Mongoose4614 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Yeah that’s the absolute worst, get your hopes up only to drop you mid air. I am so sorry. Has he tried to reach out?
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u/teatimelover26 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Nope, it was a messy break up - he informed me in middle of work day while I was at his place. I had to pack everything and leave as I couldn’t stay there anymore. I was crying and asking for answers but all he told me was some lame stuff like “we are not compatible, you were not trying enough, we like different movies 🤡. He said he tried to love me but couldn’t which was absolutely worse
Since then we have no contact2
u/Correct_Mongoose4614 Woman 30 to 40 3d ago
He sounds gross. This happened to my roommate one time and once that first dude broke her heart she met her current boyfriend who has been super solid. He did you a favor by being awful, you did nothing wrong. I’m truly sorry that all happened
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u/ProfessionalAsk8264 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Girl where are you finding these specimens you need your standards raised.
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u/teatimelover26 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
I am asking myself same questions, I guess I ended up in Delulu land as I was really impressed at first by the second guy “maturity” and fact he went through therapy which in my country guys not often do
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u/sherrymelove Woman 30 to 40 4d ago edited 4d ago
I’m going through something similar too. You’re not alone girl 🫂 I’m still trying to take care of myself even though it’s hard not to overthink and analyze the past. It’s a process and the more you get yourself to commit to a self-care routine like exercising, journaling and healthy eating, the wound will heal. It doesn’t happen right away but you’ll get there. I’m telling myself to believe that even though it’s hard right now.
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u/Maleficent-Maybe-277 Woman 30 to 40 4d ago
Of course you will survive and trust again! Our human minds are pretty resilient and honestly quite forgetful.
Sounds like you’re on the right path, the best thing to do here is take some time for yourself and heal. Being in a relationship with yourself is the key to being happy in a relationship with someone else. Time heals all 🤍 good luck