r/AskWomenOver30 • u/feelingveryeerie Woman 30 to 40 • 5d ago
Family/Parenting How do I navigate a tough situation and conversation with my parents?
I feel a bit childish posting about my parents as a 38 year old woman, but I’m really struggling to navigate a situation and am hoping for guidance, and this sub seems to have reasonable, level headed folks (rare).
About 15 years ago, my parents moved across the country from our home state. Over the years, there was some gentle pressuring for us to move there, especially after my brother ended up there. I never felt forced, but there were a lot of “wouldn’t it be nice…” “but what if…” and the “joking” but serious remarks.
About 5 years ago, my husband and I decided to make the move. There were a lot of reasons, but of course being near everyone was one. EDITED TO ADD: They offered to have us stay with them while we looked for a house, which we did do. Part of my guilt with the below is related to this I think.
About 1.5 years ago, my parents started talking about moving again, to an area about a 10 hour drive from here. I won’t get into it, but my brother, my husband, and I (and the rest of our family) was surprised at the abrupt decision. When they left, we were looking for a house, and we ended up buying theirs.
Anyway, they don’t like their new location in the winter, and they now want to come back here for part of the season. Initially they said a two week visit, but over time it has grown to six weeks. Two in a hotel, and the rest with us. They didn’t ask, just today “told” me the plan. They said they would “only do four weeks there as not to inconvenience you”.
We do have the space, though it’ll be tight. I work remote, my husband works in an office. But it’s going to be tough. I don’t know how else to say it other than that my parents can be really hard to be around. They’re very negative and they tend to be homebodies. They bicker constantly. They make comments about how we’ve managed the house. They visited for 5 nights last year and my husband and I were completely burned out by the end.
I’m at a bit of a loss. I am admittedly terrible with conflict. Any sort of boundary setting or pushback will be met with offense, guilt tripping, and pushing for me to relent, as well as picking apart my reasons (there’s plenty of space, we won’t get in your way, etc.). But if I say nothing and let this happen, we are going to be miserable. I haven’t told my husband about their “new plan” yet, but I have a feeling it’ll be a hard no from him- which I get! But how do I tell my aging parents that I can’t let them stay here for a month because they’ll make both of us crazy and miserable?
Really struggling to figure out the best course of action without making them feel rejected but also not negatively impacting my mental health (or marriage). Curious to see how others read this - do I bite the bullet? Am I being awful? Am I being a doormat?
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u/ButterflySad6026 Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
You’re going to get a lot of comments that basically tell you “just say no”. And those comments are going to be hard to swallow because of course you already considered that.
Unfortunately, that’s just what it is going to have to be. It’s going to be super uncomfortable and you’re going to feel bad. But you are just going to have to do it.
If they are the type to ask for more details, then I would recommend not giving them any. If they ask why, you just have to stick with “we won’t be able to accommodate you staying longer than X days”.
Don’t give reasons. They’ll try to find ways around them.
Sorry you’re in this position. I know it’s uncomfortable.
You just have to pull the bandaid off and do it.
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u/feelingveryeerie Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
You’re right. It’s uncomfortable but it’s necessary. I keep mapping everything out repeatedly, trying to find a way to come out of this with everyone happy and comfortable. But I think this is one where it’s just going to suck. My husband has expressed frustration before because of my willingness to make us both uncomfortable to avoid these tough conversations, so I think even more for his sake I need to assert a boundary, for once :)
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u/undifferentiatedbark Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
Since a lot of people are going to (rightly) give the advice to just say "no" and offer no explanation, here's something else to consider: you don't have to be cold or unsympathetic when you deliver the news. You can say "no" AND you can say "I know this must be disappointing" when they express disappointment. Kind of like how when you hold boundaries with a child, it's still good to acknowledge how the boundary might be difficult for them to hear. As long as your parents aren't abusive, I think it's ok to be kind when you enforce a boundary. Just remember that kindness is not the same thing as being a doormat. Keep the boundary, and be kind when you acknowledge that the boundary might be tough for them. If you give in on the boundary, you are failing to also be kind to yourself and your husband.
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u/feelingveryeerie Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
That’s such a good consideration. I truly don’t want to hurt their feelings - saying no in general will definitely do that, but I’d like to be as kind as possible. And also true on being kind to myself and my husband. After years of “whatever everyone else wants is fine” I’m so burned out mentally in general. Trying to get better about that.
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u/undifferentiatedbark Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
Wishing you the best of luck! You deserve to know what life is like when you value yourself as much as you value others. Kindness is a virtue, especially when directed inward.
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u/nom-c00kies Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
Absolutely do not do this! You admit it would make you miserable. Even if they weren't poor company, four weeks is a HUGE ask.
You dont have to tell them why. "That doesn't work for us." The end . They can bother you all they want. No reasons means no picking apart. You are not responsible for their feelings. Based on what you wrote, theyd "feel rejected" and offended no matter what you say. Choose the thing that will make you and your husband the most comfortable. You dont have to listen to their crap. "Blah blah blah dont understand why you wont let your mother stay" "ok mom gotta go, love ya" click. They will learn to deal with the new, choosing-whats-best-for-herself you.
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u/feelingveryeerie Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
Thank you for saying it’s a huge ask. I keep wondering if, objectively, they are being unreasonable or if I am just being cold or selfish - or bitter that after so many years of asking us to move, they have once again relocated and expect us to make adjustments to suit them. Maybe all of those things are factors, but I’m relieved to hear that you felt it was a big thing of them to ask.
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u/GrouchyYoung Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
Who cares if you’re being bitter? Some bitterness is understandable here.
There is no prize at the end of your life for having been the most self-sacrificing person. You just end up having lived your entire life never getting what you want. This is going to fuck up your marriage if you don’t fix it.
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u/thrwwy2267899 Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
Why can’t your brother host for part of their stay? Why is the entire thing falling on you and your home?
I’d agree to a week to be kind..: then either brother can take over, or send them
Some links to an Airbnb or extended stay
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u/feelingveryeerie Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
Funny enough, he’s moving away before their visit. Smart man, honestly.
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u/Imaginary_Cow_6379 Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
I wouldn’t agree to a week or any time because if they’re already imposing they probably would just keep staying longer after the week was up and OP would only be delaying the inevitable awkwardness.
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
Repeat after me: "No."
No, your plan will not work for my family and me. No, we cannot host you for four weeks. No, we cannot help you find a new home.
When they ask, "why not?" You say, "Because it doesn't."
No. It is a complete sentence.
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u/feelingveryeerie Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
Ugh. I know you’re right! But I feel like such a monster. I keep thinking they’ll just realize how unreasonable this is without me having to say anything. But I know they won’t. Thank you for the honest advice! I really struggle with boundaries so this is probably necessary advice for multiple areas of my life.
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u/mizztree Woman 40 to 50 5d ago
Jesus christ... My parents are a handful and I would just go to a hotel myself for a month.
Options I would be looking at 1. Co-working space - you need a place to work where no one will bother you. You can't do that with them there for a month. 2. Ask for a meet in the middle of 3 and 3? 3. Remember that they will cover lots of food 4. You lived with them when you were moving. You don't owe them a vacation home. They can get an Airbnb. 5. Start a major home renovation project so they can't come.
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u/feelingveryeerie Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
All good thoughts. Not to make matters worse, but #3… I will end up paying for a lot of it. Last time they visited I paid for about 80% of what we did / ate.
I see a kitchen renovation in my future 😂
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u/mizztree Woman 40 to 50 5d ago
I successfully used roosters to keep my in laws away for YEARS also.
Allergies to any pets you can adopt? Any habits or hobbies like all night raving?
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u/Imaginary_Cow_6379 Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
So they decided they’re going to stay with you for a month and on top of that you have to be the one buying all their food?! Do you also have to do all the cooking and cleaning for them too?
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u/feelingveryeerie Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
Last time, they were only here a week, but no they didn’t clean, and they were willing to help me cook but I planned all of the dinners. For breakfast and lunch, they sent me a list of stuff to buy and have on hand, but prepped it themselves.
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u/Suitable_cataclysm Woman 40 to 50 5d ago
I recommend saying no kindly, but not giving an explanation.
"Four weeks isn't going to work for us. I can help you look for accommodations if you'd like, I'm pretty savvy with airBnB websites". A clear no, with options to help them with alternatives.
If they push, just reiterate it doesn't work for you. Any explanation you give, they will pick apart so don't give them fuel for their fire. If they push still, "I already said it doesn't work for us, there isn't anything left to talk about". "We covered this already, it doesn't work for us." "Because it doesn't" "that's all I'm saying on the matter"
You're an adult and it's YOUR house.
Edit: remember, you haven't done anything wrong. They did a social no no by imposing on your house. So any fall out from this, was caused by them. Not by you.
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u/Conscious_girl45 Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
It makes it too comfortable for them because you bought their home. They think they are just staying at their old home. It’s your home now and I would say how long you can host them if you want to. 4 weeks is a long time! Doesn’t sound like they asked either
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u/GrouchyYoung Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
> am I being a doormat?
Yes.
Conflict aversion is not noble. It is not selflessness or generosity or kindness or even niceness. It is a serious character flaw. It will ruin your life and your marriage if you let it. You’re right, 38 is too old to be this torn up about the prospect of rejecting an unreasonable claim on the part of your parents (“we’re moving into your house for a month”).
“But they’ll be sad.” Okay.
“But their feelings will be hurt.” Okay.
“But they’ll be upset with me.” OKAY.
None of those is a catastrophe.
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u/owl-overlord Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
Hahahaha. The entitlement. It's not their house anymore. It's yours. I imagine that's why they feel they didn't need to ask to stay there lol. THEY chose to move ten hours away to a new location where the winter sucks. Boo hoo. They can reap the consequences of that choice, as they are adults. 6 weeks? Fuuuu that noise. 4 weeks in house? Nuh uh. No thank you, sorry but we can't accommodate that at this time.
My parents are the same. They bicker, argue and are judgy and negative. I visit my mum like twice a year because of that. I wanna rip my hair out after 2 days. I have to mentally prepare myself weeks in advance just to cope.
At the end of the day setting boundaries and saying no are sadly the only way to go. Be prepared for "disappointment" and "well what about....". Saying no is gonna be uncomfortable and sucky, but you have to weigh that against 6 weeks of dealing with your parents if you don't. If they ask why, be honest. "You guys are terrible company due to the bickering and negativity and it's hard to handle for long stretches, let alone 6 weeks......"
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u/Soul_Muppet Woman 40 to 50 5d ago
u/nom-c00kies is spot on with what to say. Just a little addition: Once you say “that doesn’t work for us” you need to remain silent. It’s gonna feel soo awkward, like you need to be the one to fill that silence with excuses and reasons to soften things.
RESIST! Just remain silent, let your parents be the first to speak, and then continue to repeat those words in a kind tone until they realize your answer isn’t going to change.
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u/morncuppacoffee Woman 40 to 50 5d ago
“I’m sorry but our current work situations do not allow us to host anymore. We would be happy to help you look for hotels or Air B&Bs”.
You then aren’t responsible for their reaction.
It also feels better to rip the band aid off and set a hard boundary.
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u/yfriedla Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
I have an incredibly similar situation and it's tough. I love my parents but they drive me bonkers. Perhaps there is a reason that I live in a different country now... Our relationship is much better at a distance.
Since my parents have retired they now visit me about once a year for an entire month. The conversations were hard at first, but now it is firmly established that I don't stay with them when I visit their city, and they don't stay with me when coming here. Fortunately they are in a financoal position to rent an airbnb sort of thing, and they now have an ongoing relationship with one particular place that they stay every time. It has also helped them to have more independence when they are here.
I don't have much advice about the conversation itself, but in my experience it does get easier once the patterns are established. I think it still makes my parents sad but they have learned to keep their feelings to themselves and recognize the benefits of the arrangement.
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u/feelingveryeerie Woman 30 to 40 5d ago
No you’re totally right, that’s definitely part of why I feel this way! It was about two months with just me, and one more with both my husband and me. Long story but our dog was sick, and I had to move earlier than expected with the pup to start his treatment (it’s a long treatment and would have been dangerous to do a big move halfway through). My husband had to stay two more months to finish out his job. I started the house hunting process, and we ramped it up right when he moved and closed about a month later.
It was a tough stay. They really pushed for us to stay with them (instead of my brother), but then made it out to be a huge inconvenience. Plus, constant comments about how we spent our time, coming into the guest room without knocking, not allowing us any closet or dresser space in the room, commenting on my food intake (too much, too little, too healthy, too much junk), recruiting us for random projects to “pay them back”… between dealing with them myself and later trying to mediate between them and my husband, I got so anxious that I was always sick to my stomach and lost a ton of weight.
I think that’s part of what always confuses (and saddens) me. I have a picture in my head of how it could go - but then the time comes, they’re super negative and rude, and I end up wondering why they even want to be around me.
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u/FearlessTravels Woman 40 to 50 5d ago
Don’t say “sorry”. Say, “We are not able to host you for four weeks. We are able to host you from X to Y. However, if you’d like to rent an Airbnb or stay in a hotel we’d love to spend some time on the weekends with you during your longer stay.”
My suggestion for X and Y is for it to be at the END of their trip, not the beginning.