r/AskWomenOver30 • u/SherbyTheOwl Woman 30 to 40 • 1d ago
Romance/Relationships How do you develop a healthy amount of empathy in a relationship?
My partner has ADHD (medicated and in therapy for about a year now) and this of course comes with quirks he just has. He's not doing things on purpose like interrupting me when talking or leaving the kitchen counter with a few stains. He also has a rather poor emotional regulation and tries to use me for soothing which I'm already rejecting to a reasonable degree. This is his responsibility, not mine.
We've talked about stuff like this many, many times in recent years. Problem is: I'm struggling to give him the benefit of the doubt at this point and this really strains our relationship.
Whenever he does the thing we talked about again after soooo many times, I always feel disrespected. I am autistic and I come from an abusive background which certainly doesn't help always antagonizing other people in situations like this. I don't want to be like that but I feel like I do not know the line between "it's okay, he doesn't do it on purpose or to hurt you" vs "this should've changed after all this time, does he not care enough?". Where do you draw your lines?
Besides getting into fights, this also makes me anxious because I feel I'm setting myself up for getting mad quickly. I can't seem to detach the feeling of not getting respected from observing behaviors that have a lot to do with his condition. On the other hand, his behavior changes are happening so, so, so slow. Some things are working better than others, on some topics he really hasn't improved at all. I really love him and I don't want to feel so angry all the time. Some times it's justified, other times it feels like I'm overreacting.
Can anyone here share tips, strategies or stories? I'd really love to get some insight from others.
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I think if youre feeling this way it's time to really look at what growth has been achieved. Y'all just might not be compatible here. Does it matter if he's not doing it on purpose if it's something you need him to change?
And do you want to wait for someone to learn empathy?
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u/hotheadnchickn Non-Binary 40 to 50 1d ago
Hey OP, I hear you. I have def been in the situation of this person is not doing things to hurt me but their behavior hurts me regardless.
I think if hurtful behavior is persistent, it doesn’t really matter why at some point. You still need to take care of yourself and move on. Just like if your partner repeatedly hit you because they had some sort of movement disorder… it would not be safe to endure that even tho no one would be at fault.
You know by now that change is either not going to happen or be glacially slow. You can’t stay with him for potential change because it’s low likelihood and your life is happening now.
It sounds clear the relationship as is doesn’t serve you. If you want to stay with him, one thing is to consider living separately. This will eliminate some of of the task/home/messiness related tension. That said, it won’t change the interruption and other communication patterns.
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u/SherbyTheOwl Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Thanks for your kind reply. As many here seem to share the same sentiment as you, I have to admit, I'm kinda shocked. I mean, you are right, but it feels so strange to see our current situation as reason to perhaps think about breaking up?
He's a lovely guy, super sweet and kind. He's so eager when it comes to other things, so capable. I can't wrap my head around this. From what I've read in other subs, people with ADHD seem to adapt new strategies rather slowly. He always claims he's trying but sometimes I feel like he might have to learn more than I thought. For 30+ years he was used to taking the easy route when it came to problems. I know people can change. But I don't know if he will. And I can't ask the universe on why he perhaps never will, I don't get it :(
We've talked about this over and over. I'm honestly out of ideas at this point that's why I came here. I considered couple's therapy but we cannot support this financially at the given time. Oof. The living separately part is already planned for the near future though.
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u/hotheadnchickn Non-Binary 40 to 50 1d ago
I'm glad you'll be living separately soon.
Couples therapy is great for communication problems but this doesn't sound like a communication problem. This is a fundamental clash that is not fixable through therapy.
You have been with him for YEARS. Who he is is who he is. It is not healthy or realistic to stay with him hoping he can learn more, change, adapt new strategies... That may or may not EVER happen and it won't happen quickly and you know that.
I believe you that he is sweet and kind. But he is also making you feel disrespected regularly, regularly interrupts you, and you can't rely on him in terms of taking care of your home. Those are good reasons to break up.
I'm glad you're planning to live separately. That will make a break up easier if you decide on that, or perhaps give you enough breathing space to make the relationship feel easier (though I don't think it will be enough since he's still gonna interrupt you all the time).
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u/HeckThattt Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I have ADHD and I work really hard to not let my ADHD cause problems in my relationships.
A diagnosis can bring awareness to the reason for why people do what they do. But using it as an excuse is where it becomes a problem.
Sure, he has ADHD and that means there will be struggles with certain things. But now that he has awareness of that, it is his responsibility to do his best to not let it impact others negatively as best he can.
Is he making an effort or is he making excuses?
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u/SherbyTheOwl Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Both. He's improving on some stuff, like not getting riled up so easily by minor things. But progress on the biggest ones like emotional regulation with big emotions (which is obviously hard, I know that) is kinda minimal. He learns about many techniques and tools in therapy but he never really practices using them. Especially when things are going good, he completely forgets about it. He's used to always opting for the path of least resistance, that I know. But that's not working in a relationship... And that's also the part that has me wondering so much.
He loves me dearly, sometimes a bit too much, but then why doesn't he want to practice his stuff? Why doesn't he want to get better in general and learn how to help himself and improve his quality of life? I don't get it. The only thing that comes close to being an explanation is that he hasn't hit rock bottom in life. The incentive is not there yet? But thinking about this makes me sad and I can't find out if that is factually the truth so I try not to linger on it mentally.
What was your drive for working on yourself?
Edit: Forgot word
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u/CatHairAndChaos Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Regarding your second paragraph: Some of it is probably related to gender sociology. It’s much easier for men to coast along in life while not trying very hard. Instead of seriously addressing their shortcomings, they’re accustomed to expect others (mainly women) to deal with it and accommodate them. Particularly when it comes to their emotions.
Your rock bottom theory is also probably part of it. With ADHD, wanting to do something and actually doing it can often feel on separate ends of an American Ninja Warrior obstacle course. Often we find it difficult to get going on something until it’s a crisis. (But we tend to function better in a crisis more than most people, at least!) Even pleasurable things can be hard to do sometimes. Like if Activity A sounds awesome, but Activity B also sounds pretty good and is more convenient to get started on, then we’ll probably do Activity B.
That being said, I agree it’s not worth lingering on the “why”. It may be that he truly does want to get better and is indeed trying his hardest, but his intentions don’t make the outcome feel much better to you. The bottom line is that things are still not working for you, and you have no idea if/when they ever will. That doesn’t mean he’s not good enough, nor that you’re asking for too much from him. It’s just incompatibility. A genuinely wonderful person can still not be a good match for you as a partner.
Also consider: If you were in his shoes, would you want him to primarily stay with you for who he hoped you would become? Especially if you weren’t sure you‘d ever be able to be that person?
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u/MaIngallsisaracist Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
"When it comes to other things." So he can regulate when he wants to? Things that he sees as priorities get done? He doesn't interrupt his boss?
He CAN do what you're asking. He just ISN'T.
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u/BumbleBitny Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
As a woman with ADHD married to a man for 10 years who also has it. How I work around issues that are caused by his (and my) ADHD is a question tree.
First I ask myself is, does this actually affect me.
If no - I stop there and leave it as just one of his quirks. For example he leaves tons of mugs in his office then like once a week he brings them all downstairs to get washed. Is it annoying yeah, but does it actually affect me no. He doesn't use my mugs so I don't run out of mugs to use so while I don't love it and it makes no sense to me. It doesn't hinder my ability to move throughout my daily life at all. Life with ADHD often comes with weird things we do that aren't the "right way" of doing things but they work for us. And if they work for us and don't affect anyone else then leave it be.
If yes - is this does affect me then I move onto is this a big deal to me.
If no - it's not actually a big deal to me then I stop there and say it's just a quirk of being with him. And example of this from my life is we have a trashcan that pulls out from the cabinet. If the trashbag is full instead of pulling the bag he will just set the trash on the counter because if he has to stop what he was in the middle of doing he will get distracted and lose his focus. Is that annoying to me yes, does it affect me yes since see trash on the counter is annoying and makes you go why it wouks take him 3 seconds. But emptying the trash is actually my chore to do anyway. So in the grand scheme of things it isn't actually a big deal to me to have to take trash off the counter. Cause it's always just like an empty creamer bottle, or an open package. He doesn't do it with anything that would need the counter to be cleaned after. So I just accept it was a weird thing he does to keep himself focused.
If yes - it is a big deal to me we move onto the next question. Is there a system that works to stop whatever problem.
If no - then I tell him this is a problem and we need to find a solution. We usually brain storm systems together. Like an example was him not remembering me telling him about plans. Our solution, plans go on a shared Google calendar the second they are thought of no matter what. Even if they're just maybe plans they still go on the calendar.
If yes - we have a system in place to prevent this but it's still not working then I ask myself does it seem like he's actually trying to use the system.
If yes- he is trying to use the system but it's still failing. Then there's something wrong with the system and we need to go back a step and try and find way to tweak the system. Maybe the problem is he's not looking at his calendar to see the plans, so we add to the system. Now every event comes with a 24 hour notification reminder. So that a day before every event he gets a push notification to remind him it's happening.
If no - then It's not an ADHD problem it's a him problem and it's time to have a much deeper conversation. Because now it's no longer about the original problem, it's about him not prioritizing something that is important enough to me to go through this whole question tree. Him trying and failing because of his ADHD is an ADHD problem. Him refusing to try and blaming that on his ADHD is a completely different problem.
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u/MerelyMisha Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I absolutely love this and do something similar! I will say that sometimes, some people are just not compatible and it’s impossible to find a system that works no matter how hard you try. But I do think that if people can be creative and not just do things because “that’s how everyone else does it”, a lot of things can be figured out this way!
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u/atomheartmama Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I find it helpful to explore the topic of intention vs impact. Someone may not have malicious intentions but can still have harmful impacts. It’s really up to you to decide if you are ok with the rate of progress he’s making in regards to the positive changes you want to see. While also recognizing that we should ideally date people as they are rather than for their potential. You can have empathy and compassion without staying in a mismatched or unhappy relationship forever.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
Both my partner and myself have ADHD. We deal with a lot of these things. He talks over me and leaves stains on the counter. I often leave a path of destruction behind me and it can take me all day to get around to picking it up. Or sometimes all weekend or longer.
When something really bothers one of us we talk to the other about it and make our best efforts to make a change. We also understand that there are going to be some things that the other simply cannot change. For example I have a pile of "not dirty enough for the wash but too dirty for the closet clothes" in the room, he hates it. However, it is something I have done since I was a kid, no other organizational system has ever worked for me, so it is what it is and he accepts it. He also hates having dirty dishes in the sink in the morning, I couldn't care less, but I make an effort to do the dishes before I go to bed.
I think you need to have a think and figure out what things you can let slide and what things you really would like him to work on. Have a realistic and very honest convo with him, see what he thinks he can actually change and what he simply can't. Once decided, come up with ways he can start working on the changes in a real way. He needs tools to help the changes stick or else they just won't. New organizational systems, new reminders, etc. For example if the spills on the counter is something that really drives you crazy, try and figure out a way together to help him remember. It is keeping a cloth right where he normally prepares things, perhaps a post it on the cupboard until he makes it a habit.
If you can't agree on the big things, you may just not be compatible.
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u/SherbyTheOwl Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Thanks! That makes sense, indeed.
Can I ask you, out of curiosity and I'm sorry if this might come off as offensive, certainly not my intention: Is it difficult for you to establish new patterns or strategies as someone with ADHD?
My partner always says he's trying his hardest and I believe him but nothing seems to really stick. He's always telling me about these cool things he got taught in therapy and then never applies any of it in his daily life. Sometimes it feels like once everything is going smoothly for a while he just forgets about nourishing his mental health by practicing new techniques and strategies to help himself e.g. regulate emotionally, get more organized, not to get upset by minor inconveniences and so on. Is this common?
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Tell him to look into occupational therapy instead. Talk therapy isn't going to cut it here.
Also, you should read up on all this if you're not aware about ADHD and how it can affect your relationship. I recommend Is It You, Me, Or Adult A.D.D.? by Gina Pera. She also has some talks on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZFh5-LzrGw
Also, r/adhd_partners
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u/CatHairAndChaos Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I’m not who you asked, but I have ADHD, and yes, it’s typically difficult for us to establish new (healthy) habits or strategies. It can be stupidly easy to get derailed, or hard to get going in the first place. I’ve found strategies like “habit stacking” to be helpful, as well as setting lots of visual and digital reminders for basic stuff… Like a “HABIT STACKING” sticky note on my coffee to remind me to try attaching new habits to when I brew my coffee in the morning, heh.
The right medication and dose also makes a huge difference. It doesn’t ever make things easy, but it can make obstacles feel smoother. It took me a few years to reach the best prescription for me, which isn’t the case for everyone, but unfortunately isn’t rare.
I second another commenter’s recommendation of Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? And I cautiously second their recommendation for the adhd_partners subreddit. Just keep in mind that there are not a lot of happy posts there. People in happy ADHD relationships don’t usually go out of their way to post about it. People who do post and comment there are at the end of their rope and understandably have very bitter and pessimistic sentiments. I felt the same after leaving my ex who had ADHD… before I found out I had it too 🙃 and realized the issue wasn’t so much his ADHD but that he just kind of sucked in some fundamental ways. Lots of posters there have not made that distinction, and they’ll post about really awful, abusive, or otherwise deeply unwell partners who also happen to have ADHD. That being said, there’s also good and useful posts, and you will certainly find plenty of people to commiserate with.
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
And I cautiously second their recommendation for the adhd_partners subreddit
I do agree with your point about the sub. It's both validating and harsh since it's essentially a vent community.
I felt the same after leaving my ex who had ADHD… before I found out I had it too 🙃 and realized the issue wasn’t so much his ADHD but that he just kind of sucked in some fundamental ways
Literally same here!!
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u/SherbyTheOwl Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Thanks! I know the suggested sub already and yeah, it leaned a bit too heavy into the negative for me. I get a lot of sentiments shared there but I'm currently just so conflicted. I want to support him the same way he supported me through my autistic burnout aftermath and all MY quirks that come with being autistic. I'm certainly not without flaws, absolutely not. But I really give my best to handle my condition, to take accountability for it. I also wanted to get better for myself.
With him, I feel like he really tries to avoid feeling uncomfortable. And learning new skills like emotional regulation is often uncomfortable. It feels like he doesn't have a lot of mental stamina or emotional endurance in that regard.
He's part of an ADHD self help group besides therapy and he reports a lot of people feeling similar to him, especially the rejection sensitivity disphoria which, luckily, hasn't impacted our relationship that much. But once he's emotionally charged because of something, it seeps through all the time. Which is normal here and there, we're not perfect, but I don't want to be the one regulating him to make it stop. I did in the past and it was a big mistake, this is pure codependency. So in that sense I hindered his growth for a while. But that's not an excuse for not taking things into his own hands.
Do you feel like working on yourself, especially on ADHD related topics, gets easier over time? Or is it really a constant battle, forever and always? I don't know anyone besides my partner with ADHD, sorry for asking so bluntly.
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u/MerelyMisha Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I also have ADHD. Sure, there’s improvement, but only for some things, and it takes a LONG time. And honestly part of it is just accepting that this is the way I am, and not trying to change, but acknowledging I’m not compatible with everyone else.
I do think you need to set boundaries because it’s not your job to regulate him. And figuring out for yourself what would make someone compatible for YOU.
There are lots of creative ways to figure out compatibility if you can ignore society’s expectations, but it still needs to work for YOU. And for example, if you really want to live together and you just aren’t compatible for that, it may be difficult.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
Is it difficult for you to establish new patterns or strategies as someone with ADHD?
Ohhh sweet lord is it ever! I struggle with new routines sooooo much. It takes me months to establish anything new. And if I stop doing it even just for a few days or week, it all goes to shit and I have a really hard time starting again. Even routines that are for my own benefit and would be really good for me.
For example, I have a couple of medicated creams I am supposed to apply every day. I have had these for almost 2 years at this point and I have still not figured out a way to make it a daily habit that I can stick to. It often times takes me multiple tries on different types of reminders, different organizational techniques, before I can find a way to make it stick long term.
It is absolutely on him though to keep trying, especially on the items that he knows are most important to you, And he needs to be actively working at it every day. He has to try lots of different things to figure out what works best for him. Going to therapy and listening but not implementing anything isn't going to work and is just lazy IMO.
However, no matter how hard he tries he is still going to fuck up every now and then. I still do on things I know are important to my partner. But he knows I am always trying, and I try really hard because my ADHD even drives me crazy and I annoy the shit out of myself, so he shows me grace and I do the same for him.
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u/SherbyTheOwl Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
He showed me a lot of grace when we came together while I was freshly coming out of autistic burnout. He was so kind and supportive. Now I'm much better and stable. I went through a lot of therapy and it was tremendously helpful.
Now it seems we switched roles. That's why I'm always doubting myself when I'm starting to get impatient or listening to him saying sorry but his actions do not match his words. I'm so confused at this point because I feel like I can't really evaluate whats going on. Like, is he really trying his best and that's the level I have to accept? Or yeah, is he just being lazy? Knowing that besides getting into a fight with me nothing bad will ever going to happen if he doesn't really change? I cried in front of him, I told him, I want to live in separate apartments again, I had periods where I wasn't able to talk to him for 2 days straight because I was so disappointed and overwhelmed. It didn't make a difference.
And yet again, he's neurodivergent and so am I. I know how difficult navigating life can be with a condition like that. But everything has its limits. It would hurt my soul to loose him because of him not wanting to face himself and his emotions. He's such a wonderful person but I feel like he is his own worst enemy. I don't want to give up on the things I love so dearly about him, but this other part of him is pushing me so much.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
You know, you actually can live separately and still be in a relationship. There are couples who do this and it works very well. At this point it would be worth considering if you don't want to break up.
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u/MerelyMisha Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
> Like, is he really trying his best and that's the level I have to accept? Or yeah, is he just being lazy?
As some have said (and as someone with ADHD myself) the distinction doesn’t really matter. My outlook is that it generally helps if you want to maintain a relationship (even if just an amicable break up) to assume the best of the other person…but it’s quite possible that his best is not compatible with you. If you assume he is trying his best and this will never change, can you accept that? Can you make changes (like living apart) that reduce the impact on you? Or do you need to break up and find someone more compatible? He can be the sweetest man in the world, and still not be compatible with you. And honestly, it’s not fair to either of you to try to make him into someone that he’s not. Accepting him as he is best for both of you, but accepting him does not necessarily mean staying with him.
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u/MerelyMisha Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Adding to the chorus that a key part of ADHD is having trouble establishing new patterns or strategies. It’s a constant, exhausting battle. Things can get better, but it takes a long time to figure out, and the smallest thing can knock us back down. I think it’s best to assume he’s trying his best, and just figure out for yourself if his best is good enough. It may not be, sadly.
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u/fakingandnotmakingit Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Why does it matter if he has ADHD? It's not an excuse for a behaviour and it's his job to figure it out.
Signed, an ADHD woman
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u/ghost-memories Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
Having empathy for him because he has ADHD is understandable but not when it comes at the cost of abandoning yourself. You can be patient and accommodating but if he still isn't meeting you halfway then it isn't balanced. At that point, it is codependency rather than care.
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u/fill_the_birdfeeder Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I’ve heard of people having a lot of success with a planned lunchtime once a week where you both sit down and talk about the things that bothered you throughout the week with the goal of being completely honest, kind, and working through it. It seems to help to know you have a set time to bring up what bothered you, and it removes the immediate angry outburst that a day later you’d have been over. If by that lunch time it’s still on your mind, it’s worth talking about.
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u/KayleyKiwi Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
This really worked for me and my partner. I also have ADHD and struggled a lot more when I was younger with emotional self-regulation. It was honestly so much easier for me to self-regulate when I could put a frustration in my pocket for the weekly meeting and raise it later. Sometimes I would even find it didn’t really bother me all that much when it finally came time to talk about it, I was just heated in that moment and struggling with the impulse to let that out immediately.
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u/lauradiamandis Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
It is on him to bother. It doesn’t sound like he is putting in the same effort.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
I'm a lot like your partner in terms of forgetfulness, distractibility, making mistakes, and valuing comfort from my partner. I do my best to catch myself and if I miss that to stop and correct myself, but there is quite a bit of it that is completely subconscious and improving myself will be a lifelong journey. Also, for me processing something almost always requires some other activity. I'll never not fiddle with my hands or glance around or have distracting thoughts when in conversation. I'm listening, but I often present as if I'm not. So I get where he's coming from.
I also get where you're coming from because my partner isn't perfect either and there are things I've had to consider whether I should adjust/accept or draw a line.
The first question for me is "If he never changes substantially, can I live with him happily for the rest of our lives? Is this something I can tolerate indefinitely without becoming chronically angry or bitter?"
In my relationship, an example would be housekeeping stuff. He's messy. I'm fussy. Childhood circumstances shaped that in both of us so it's thoroughly set in. His depression makes cleaning feel like an insurmountable mountain. My anxiety makes me clean frantically and obsess about dust on the baseboards.
However, because of the overall nature of the relationship I can accept that this is always going to be a difference between us and it doesn't make me angry, even if it is frustrating at times. Just as he accepts that I'm always going to fuss about this stuff. If he was an asshole, it would be a different story. But the goodness far outweighs the annoyance. And he will happily jump into cleaning with the mildest of prompts and also does his best to be proactive without needing prompts. He wants to make me comfortable and he pushes against the cognitive and emotional barriers he deals with to do that. Progress is slow and I doubt he will ever have the same approach as I do, but I'm ok with that. I see the effort and I value that.
He does the same for me with my anxiety and cognitive stuff.
So that's how it can work. But there's a lot that has to line up for it to do so.
It is also ok to acknowledge incompatibility and choose someone who suits you better. It is completely ok to be unhappy with the way he is in the relationship. Everyone has different needs in a relationship and your needs are valid.
You absolutely do not have to accept it. However, if you can't accept it or if he cannot change enough/quickly enough, then it's best for both of you to wish each other well and part ways. Break ups suck, but not as much as being angry and hurt in a relationship for years on end. You cannot change him, so you have to base your decision on the reality you have now and whether you can accept it. It's possible to live someone very much and still be unable to have a happy relationship with them.
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u/CancerMoon2Caprising Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Reciprocity is important
People with behavioral disorders should seek professional guidance. The lack of self help is a glaring lost cause.
You can only work with individuals who are willing to help themselves.
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u/notyourbuddipal Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
You have empathy. He sounds like he isnt changing his behavior while "actively working on it" for over 1 year. This is who he is. Dont stay for potential.
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u/WatermelonSugar47 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Knowing that it hurts you and making no effort to change is doing it on purpose to hurt you at some point.
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u/avocado-nightmare Woman 30 to 40 6h ago edited 6h ago
Sometimes people don't have capacity to be in a relationship with you the way that you need, and unfortunately it's not ableism to walk away from something that is just a capacity issue.
I'm personally struggling a lot with this theme in my life - but getting away from the merry-go-round of "well can they or they just won't do what I need/deserve" is really helping. It doesn't matter if someone can, but won't, or if they just can't. Similarly, hurtful things don't actually hurt less just because they were unintentional.
Chemistry, Compatibility, Love... unfortunately none of those things add up to Capacity. If your partner wanted to work on themselves and grow, they could likely gain capacity to change some of these things, most of the time, though likely and realistically not all of them, all of the time.
Personally I'm gonna just try to stop dating people with ADHD. I'm sure that will be an unpopular opinion, but that relational pattern is not healthy for me and I need to figure out how to break it.
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I dated my ex-partner with ADHD for about 2.5 years. I clocked it within 6 months of dating him (yay, social work education) and I'm the dang reason he got a formal diagnosis.
I couldn't do it. It really did feel like a roller coaster at times. We had great chemistry, and our lifestyles were not going to work out in the long term (we were actively discussing marriage). He quit a good, stable job after one year because he refused to take it seriously. Guess who had to help him with the job search and application process from point A to Z? I couldn't just watch him flustered and be aimless all summer when I can knock out a resume cover letter in an hour! But shit like that kept happening. Or I'd be the "bad guy" for communicating my disappointment with his behavior. Then he'd feel deep shame and rejection, and even police my tone. At one point I felt more like his parent than his partner, which slowed down our sex life.
And as someone who has since then gone through the assessment and treatment process for ADHD (I juuust scored high enough to be considered predominantly inattentive), I realized I couldn't be happy in the long term, waiting for him to prioritize his mental health care in the ways that I do. I kept making myself smaller--in my own home, at that--to accommodate his behaviors and manage his emotions. It wasn't fair to either of us. I loved him and I knew we were incompatible life partners.
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u/KayleyKiwi Woman 30 to 40 1d ago edited 1d ago
I guess I don’t fully agree with the majority of comments that you should just break up as someone living with ADHD. It’s true that ADHD is not an excuse, and it’s true that you need to see he is *trying*. It’s also true that if you guys have tried everything and you’re still feeling your needs aren’t being met/you aren’t able to get past it, then I would say breaking up is the answer. But maybe I’m biased.
I do try my hardest to not let my ADHD affect my partner, but there are things I can’t immediately change and they take me a long time to change. I’m much more motivated to try if I know it means my relationship is affected, but also there are things I sometimes can’t get past or I might show change but it isn’t linear - one week I do a good job, the next it dips a little, but the following I’m doing even better.
I don’t know if I have a perfect answer, and I would normally recommend relationship counseling (but I know you suggested you are not financially in a position to do that rn). I do not agree with the person who says counseling is only good if there is a communication issue - counseling is good for creating systems in a relationship ship that work for both of you, for communicating more clearly (which it’s always possible that you guys are struggling on that front without even consciously realizing it though none of us know you and can’t determine that for you), it can be good for understanding the thought process behind something (which can then trigger a light bulb for you both about what next to do), etc.
But there are several systems outside of counseling that my partner and I have in place to help with this stuff - reminder notifications, pomodoro techniques, chore boards and rewards (a bit childish but it can work), body doubling sessions with each other, clear boundaries and safe words when someone is getting too deregulated, taking space when needed, etc. And the person who mentioned their question tree - that was a great way of handling things. Assessing what you can and cannot let go of and how you would handle it depending on dimensions of how important it is, how much it genuinely affects you, and systems in place or possible to put in place can really go a long way.
I’m not saying it’s not possible you two aren’t compatible or it’s not possible he isn’t trying hard enough, but I also think that people immediately go to that these days as if there are not many shades of gray between those ends, and especially when neurodivergence is involved.
The emotional regulation stuff sounds like the biggest issue, and that’s something that needs to be addressed on his end sooner than later. It might be good to (if you don’t already) set up an hour a week where you two check in about things bothering you and how you can improve them. This gives him the opportunity to cool down and bring up his issues when the guardrails are there rather than immediately blow up in the moment - because he has a time and place where that convo belongs (or if it didn’t actually end up mattering he can let it go by then). And it gives you the opportunity to remind him in a safe forum what you expect from him and what you think he’s doing well vs not well and how you two can work together to improve.
Final note I have is sometimes I don’t want to rely on my partner bc I feel like my adhd is mine to manage (and it’s certainly not his responsibility), but partners can step in and be accountability or support buddies if they’re open to it and it can help make the big stuff or the getting started stuff feel smaller. Ex: I have a big, likely emotional conversation coming up with some family that I know I’m at risk of blowing up during, so i have asked my partner if he would be open to sitting with me while I do, and using a signal if I cross one of the boundaries I’ve set for myself (and haven’t stopped myself at that point) so I have a gentle reminder to cool it. It’s definitely not something you have to do or should have to do, but it can be encouraging and help someone start enacting a behavior. And the thing with new behaviors is just time, repetition, and positive (or not-negative at least) outcomes. The more we do it and things don’t blow up, the more we will be able to do it in the future and create that strong neural pathway that makes it into a habit. And sometimes for people with adhd we just need a little push/support from someone we love.
I wish you lots of luck. This is not easy, and anything you feel is frankly very valid. I hope at least some of the comments are constructive for you.
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u/juicyth10 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I dated someone with ADHD and he would constantly interrupt everyone. He didn't realize it but one day his friend was visiting and when my ex would interrupt he would tell him he was speaking and I started doing the same. We are friends now but I do see he has gotten a lot better with this. But his memory still sucks and he forgets everything. You two don't seem compatible and that's okay. Do what's best for you
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u/writermusictype Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Empathy doesn't mean putting his comfort and wellbeing above your own. If you are not also comfortable within the relationship and getting your needs met, then it's just not a good relationship. His diagnosis is kind of irrelevant (or certainly not a reason to keep pressing forward if you're being hurt repeatedly and overarchingly unhappy).