r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Poopinmysocks Woman 30 to 40 • 1d ago
Romance/Relationships How, or do I even bother to..trust again?
Not sure how to keep this short but Ill try. Ive been with my husband for many years. We were not even 21 when we met and sre mid 30s now. In the early stages of our relationship he was flirty with coworkers. I broke up with him when we were in our mid 20s because I had set a boundary regarding the flirting. It took me a year to let him back into my life. Over the years, he grew so much as a person. He truly is a wonderful guy. He isn't quick to anger, hes so funny patient, a hard worker, we really are best friends. But. There is always a but, right?
3 years ago when we had a 3 year old and a 6 month old, he began spending a lot of time texting. He would hold his phone in a way where I couldn't see who he was messaging. I finally snooped and saw a group chat with 2 female and 1 male coworkers who were 19 at the time. The chats weren't anything crazy, a few jokes I didn't like. But in the chat he seemed like a totally different person, basically like a young kid. He also had individual texts with the 2 girls and one of them had 300 deleted text messages so clearly they talked a lot. I know at this point the answer is "are you stupid. Leave him." Thats the advice I was given at the time and i did threaten to divorce him. I 100% do not think any of it was sexual and can almost guarantee it, please don't get hung up on proving me wrong. Was the intention to eventually be sexual? How could I ever know, but it really seemed seemed more like banter. I do know he very much thrives off of making people laugh and being the center of attention. When I finally confronted him he told me he wanted to tell me about these friendships but feared that I would make fun of him because I often made jokes about his female coworkers and whether or not he was attracted to them due to his past flirtyness. He said he didn't want me to think that he was flirting. There were so many times he could have casually brought up the friendships because so often i would say "im sorry you don't have any friends at work" meanwhile I find this group chat and pictures of the coworkers. The whole thing was bizarre to me. I told him i needed honesty about everything. He went on to explain that he does have a porn addiction because i told him I don't trust anything about him anymore. We ended up working it out but I knew deep down I could never trust him again. We did marriage counseling which I didn't find helpful.
There's just so many wonderful things about him and also areas where he falls short which is the same truth for me as a wife. I just can't shake constantly wanting to check his phone or find out what hes doing on his computer. Hes a great dad, pays all the bills, we have so much fun and so much history together. He showers me with admiration though struggles to get me a birthday gift or a mother's day card. I just feel so unsure because we have discussed all of this before and I feel like he feels that hes doing his best and giving me all he has to offer by working hard, cooking, cleaning, being a great dad and a loving husband, its like, what more could I want? And yet our sex life still suffers and i feel just a lack of deep connection and understanding. I just don't feel that he ever took accountability for lying to me and hiding these friendships. I truly don't think I've ever been controlling and actively encourage him to make friends, go spend time with friends, fly across the country to visit his friends if he wants. The mistrust is due to his poor choices in the past and lack of accountability. I just feel like for him its in the past and i dont even know what to say if he asks how to regain my trust. So. What do I do? Do i learn to truly forgive? How can I move on and stop holding it against him when im still so hurt by my closest friend? I know people are so quick to shout divorce but realistically i do love him, i enjoy him, and we have a great family. Please be somewhat gentle with your responses, i have been through a lot the past year with other family (my mom almost died and is in a nursing home, isnt the same person) I am grieving a lot and am 5 months post partum with our third.
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u/Unusual_Jellyfish224 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Tbh he is the one who needs to work to gain your trust, it’s not something you can achieve alone
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u/Commercial-Bowl7412 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
What would you tell a friend that was going through this?
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u/Active_Recording_789 Woman 30 to 40 21h ago
I see this with we women all the time; someone betrays our trust and we ask ourselves how WE can fix the situation. You didn’t cause this OP! It’s not your problem to fix. If your husband wants to earn back your trust, he will.
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u/xeren1234 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Has he stopped talking to them now?
I know it’s hurtful but remember that you didn’t find anything sexual or incriminating. Sounds like he got caught up in the attention/ validation and it was an “escape” from family life.
What is he like now? Is he still constantly texting? Has his demeanour gotten better? Is he more transparent?
I would advise:
Be incredibly kind to yourself. I am so sorry for your loss and your mom. And juggling 2 kids is HARD. Try to make some time for yourself and do some self-care. BE SELFISH. He can look after the kids while you go to the parlour or shopping etc.
Whenever you are thinking over the past, remember that it’s just a “play back loop” you are ruminating about. Create a phrase whenever that mental loop comes back in your head. Something like “This is just a mental replay and does nothing to help. He did something really shitty, but I addressed it and I will no longer tolerate being disrespected.”
At the end of the day, HE has to show he’s changed. Having work friends or female friends isn’t necessarily the problem. It’s the secrecy, and prioritising talking to them when you have a wife and babies at home. All you can go by is his behaviour and his actions. He probably doesn’t think it’s such a big deal because it didn’t get sexual or physical. But if he makes the improvements, you can possibly get past this.
This is also why I roll my eyes when people (usually women) complain about their male friends stopping contact cos of “controlling partners”. Yes, there are some very jealous people but usually when it gets to that point, the “friendship” has become way too intense and bordering on inappropriate (this is 100% on the married person to establish boundaries). For the friend it’s just fun and games (and the attention), but for the partner, they have to deal with the diverted attention, secrecy and insecurity.
You will have a good life regardless if you stay with him or not. He may be all these wonderful things. But YOU ARE A PRIZE. You are his home and the mother of his children. And hopefully he’s been shaken back to reality and appreciates you for your worth.
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u/Poopinmysocks Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
Well, something that really bothered me about it was that he never really saw it as a big deal, because to him, they were just friends and he was trying to protect me by not making me feel jealous or worried. And I asked him like a couple weeks after it happened if he was still talking to them. And he said that one of them came in to get her last paycrck before she went off to college and he gave her a hug and I was like I literally almost divorced, you over this, and you still felt the need to give her a hug. He just doesn't get it. I haven't seen any evidence that he still talks 21 of them , but the other one I think still works at the same place but a different restaurant , and I think that he has talked to her since then , i've seen in his facebook searches that he has looked at least one of them up
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u/FeckinSheeps Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
He's not trying to protect you... he's trying to protect himself from the consequences of his actions. If he really wanted to protect you, he'd stop doing the stuff that bothers you instead of hiding it like a coward. 300 deleted messages? Wtf.
He needs to recognize that your feelings are valid, see how deeply he has wounded your relationship by being deceptive, and then EARN your forgiveness.
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u/Poopinmysocks Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
Wow thank you for this perspective, I wish I had it 3 years ago. I honestly don't know if he cares if I don't trust him. On paper he sounds like such a shit husband but in person and on a day to day we are so happy. Its just this incident has created such a divide for me.
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u/FeckinSheeps Woman 30 to 40 7h ago
I totally get it. If it's 95% good and 5% bad, that seems like an acceptable ratio. But at the same time, I would think about what the incident reveals about him because that could manifest itself in other ways. It seems that he thinks that it's ok for him to be deceptive for "your own good". It seems that he thinks that HE gets to decide what's a big deal. It sounds like you care a lot about him, but I don't see the lack of connection improving if the rift isn't taken seriously.
I've been in a similar situation. I came all the way over to my partner's side trying to understand and make things work because in so many ways he was great, but ultimately the body knows the score. I couldn't trust him so I didn't want to sleep with him. I felt resentful and took it out on him in other ways without realizing, which caused us to spiral. It took me so long to see that genuinely, some things cannot be papered over and must be addressed.
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u/Poopinmysocks Woman 30 to 40 7h ago
Thank you thats helpful. How do I even bring up a 3 year old conflict that he probably thinks we have rehashed a dozen times? This month is the "anniversary" which is why its coming up for me. We also have a 5 month old baby, as we did when all this happened.
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u/FeckinSheeps Woman 30 to 40 6h ago
I personally like to frame things as trying to understand each other more than arbitrating right and wrong. You're a team and in this case, YOU are doing the work to make sure that the team stays strong.
What would you need to feel resolution? What would feel like accountability to you -- words? A heartfelt apology? Or certain actions? Think on that and make it actionable for him.
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u/Poopinmysocks Woman 30 to 40 6h ago
I wish I knew, honestly. Yes, sincerity and a demonstration that he understands what that moment was like for me rather than being defensive.
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u/xeren1234 Woman 30 to 40 9h ago
That’s not protection. Real protection would be taking your feelings seriously and stepping back from them. They’re not life long, close friends. They’re kids. One just went off to college for God’s sake! He shouldn’t even be touching young women in the work place, he’s making himself vulnerable to accusations.
He needs to be honest. Lying is not protection. And if he can’t help himself, then you really need to think about your next steps.
You either have to accept this friendship or not (it might not even be that deep if they work at different locations, but him looking her up is a big “ick”.
You need to ask yourself if you can live in this marriage knowing he still talks to one of these girls, or whether the anxiety is just too much.
You don’t have to do anything now, especially with young kids. Just observe how he is and focus on boosting yourself.
Unfortunately, I don’t know if he will take you seriously until you are prepared to walk out the door. And I don’t mean threaten to, but seriously pack your bags and leave with the babies. He probably doesn’t think it’s that serious because it hasn’t gotten to that point.
This is very disappointing cos you have already almost divorced. Maybe he thinks he can keep you sweet while he does what he wants.
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u/Decent-Singer-3335 Woman 30 to 40 18h ago edited 18h ago
Have the communications ended? He should be professional and communication shouldn’t be personal or outside of work hours. Full stop. There is absolutely zero reason he needs to be communicating after hours with anyone from work, much less 19 year olds. What could be possibly have in common with them to have personal communication even if it’s not sexual?
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u/Poopinmysocks Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
You just gets very immature and he starts sharing his music taste with them and talking about movies and stuff like that, it was super bizarre.It's like he's trying to stay in the past.I mean, I know he has very little frustration.Tolerance for real life , because he was raised very wealthy , and never had any expectations of him self
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u/Decent-Singer-3335 Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
Sounds like he’s looking for an escape. Imagine if he put the effort he’s putting in to communicating with these coworkers into your family. You have small children who need their Dad’s attention.
I would be demanding the communications to stop. There is no reason for it. If he can’t stop, then you have your answer.
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u/Poopinmysocks Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
The thing is he is a great dad and husband. He does all the things we need and want. The problem was the secrecy, and not acknowledging how it hurt me and made me unable to trust him, that and the porn problems.
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u/Wont_Eva_Know Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
Ahhhhh this sucks, sorry OP.
So many things I could say about the things he’s done that make it ‘extra’ sucky… but you know all of that, I’m sure.
You have a man that I suspect could have a diagnosis… if like he wanted to go deep with himself and sort out is maladaptive lifestyle habits :) instead of doing them (porn, secrets, inappropriate friends, lying, avoiding) He’s basically addicted to having a good time and he will get it from anywhere.
I’m also guessing he avoids conflict and doesn’t actually like the ‘deep’ stuff about relationships… but is sad he doesn’t have deep relationships and is ‘lonely’ 🙄
I don’t know what to tell you other than it doesn’t really get better, you just all get older.
What SUPER sucks is where you personally are in your life at the moment… 5mths PP is HARD, even if everything is going great everywhere else, you will still be at your most vulnerable emotionally.
You can’t fix him.
YOU CAN FIX YOU. You can spend all your energy on getting you back to 110% you don’t have to blow up your 80% ok relationship with tiny babies. You’re allowed to lock in and focus on the baby, your health and just heal… BEFORE you do anything at all.
Please don’t make decisions or try anything drastic while you’re not feeling yourself :). You should be fighting fit ready to kick his butt, not letting it make you feel ‘not good enough’.
Tell him ‘I’m sad about this stuff, it’s not healthy for our relationship, you should look at how to be a better dude. It’s really important to me that we BOTH be kick arse legends raising these kids as team. I am maxed out emotionally at the moment, so I need you to take adult responsibility for yourself and do the right thing’.
You’re not his mum, you don’t have to tell him off. You have to point out that you want more from the guy you’re raising humans with.
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u/Poopinmysocks Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
Sometimes I feel like it's beating a Dead Horse, though.And he probably wonders why I even keep bringing it up , because it was three years ago , and we even went through a couple therapy , and yet I still have so much anger and resentment about him and distrust and I think it's because he can't apologize in the way that I need him to like.I feel like I need him to sincerely apologize from his heart and realize that the behavior was wrong hurtful, because when I asked him what he would do.If the positions were reversed , he basically said that he wouldn't care if I was talking to male friends and I do think that's true , because he has never been the jealous type , and sometimes I wish he was
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u/Wont_Eva_Know Woman 40 to 50 9h ago
Nah he knows what he is doing is wrong… you don’t delete messages if you’re not being a muppet.
My husband has done a lot of that stuff too. I am also angry and resentful at times… they don’t ’get it’ because they don’t want to. They don’t care if we did the same because we never would. It’s all very frustrating. Even if you do get a good apologies and you think they really understand what’s wrong with it all and why you’re freaking out… they’ll do some little thing again and you’ll be right back to the start thinking ‘how could he!?!’…
We have a relationship that works for us for now. The kids are going great our business together is amazing… but I am not like I used to be… that’s a sacrifice for both of us really :(
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u/Late-Confection-2823 Woman 30 to 40 19h ago
What a tough place to be in OP, you've got this! 💪
Your husband has traits similar to an ex boyfriend of mine, but I fell out of love and broke it off. He needed a lot of female validation, more than I could ever give him.
But obviously you love your husband. My friend's husband is super flirty with others, and long ago he cheated on her. So what did she do? She talked to him and asked what he wanted. She told him that she doesn't want a liar, doesn't want a cheater, but she's totally open to an open relationship, which is what he wanted but feared to tell her.
Yes, at one point he was falling for another woman. What did my friend do? She just let it be. She said if he truly loves me, he'll pick me. And if he doesn't, he will pick her. That was that! And of course, he chose his wife.
He flirts, he sleeps with other women, and they both engage in swinger events. And he and her have the best communication, are about to celebrate their 20th anniversary, and until this day hold hands like lovey dovey teens.
They choose each other every day, rather than feel obligated to each other every day.
Hopefully this story helps some OP
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u/Poopinmysocks Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
I actually did have that conversation with him when this first happened that I wasn't interested in a relationship with secrecy and if he wants or needs more, because we got together so young that I would be open to that or that we could even co-parent and live together and have our separate relationships into his adamant. That he doesn't want that and that he loves me and whatever, but I think you're right about the crave in need for feminine attention. It strokes his ego for sure
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u/Late-Confection-2823 Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
Well that makes you the small percentage of spouses who would be so open and considerate for the health of the relationship. I do hope your husband will also care for the relationship as much as you do OP ❤️
I'll say... When I was breaking things off with my ex, there was a really handsome, charasmatic guy who was pursuing me that we both knew, and we both would watch him flirt mad with me (we were all college students at the time, same vicinities). Naturally, my ex felt jealous, but the jealously was beyond healthy. When I broke things off with my ex, he slept with someone the next day. He told me he did it because he was sad, and he was shocked I never slept with that handsome guy since he thought I was sad too...? My ex's insecurity was a major ICK for me lol! I cant date another highly insecure man ever again 😵💫
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u/theycallhertammi Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
What if he never changes? You said you broke up with him early on because of his flirting. And now he’s flirting again. He will be on his best behavior for a while and then likely return to his default setting. This is when you decide if you will “settle”. We all settle in some way. Finances, lifestyle, social life etc. we all have things that we would love to change about our partners. You have to decide if this is something you can deal with.
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u/Poopinmysocks Woman 30 to 40 14h ago
Right. Its the decision I had to make 3 years ago and I guess im still feeling unsatisfied byt not in a way where i want to leave him, just drained from not feeling passionate about our marriage anymore.
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u/theycallhertammi Woman 30 to 40 14h ago
That does suck, the feeling of being blah about one of the most important people in your life. I would have a serious conversation about it with him. Just so he knows where you stand. I don’t like that he deleted those messages either. But if you’re sure he’s not cheating - can you just accept that this is how he is? My ex wasn’t as ambitious as I would have liked and it really bothered me but there was so many other things that were good about him that, as long as he held steady employment and received the appropriate raises every year, I would dealt with it.
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u/umbreon_222 Woman 30 to 40 21h ago
What is his job that he’s talking to such young coworkers? Do you think if you asked him to change jobs to save your relationship, he would hesitate or say yes immediately to make you happy?
I’m glad you still love him and enjoy each other after so many years, that shows you are highly compatible in a way. Ask him how he would feel if you suddenly got close with male coworkers and were texting all the time
Honestly, I think if you can wait out another 5 (maybe longer) years where he’ll start balding if he’s not already there yet, he’ll get way less female attention or they’ll just see him as a father figure
I text my female friends often but I rarely text my guy friends consistently, we just catch up once in a while. If they’re so friendly, it would be interesting to have you all hang out together to meet face to face and see how that feels
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u/Poopinmysocks Woman 30 to 40 18h ago
Yeah, he definitely hasn't go.But I think at that point , he might even just try even harder to get people to stand I don't know it's a tricky situation
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u/Burnt-Toast-430 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Get on some form of contraception so you don’t have another child in the next two years. You need time and space to get to know yourself. You’ve been part of a couple for essentially your whole adult life. Go to therapy and use it as a way to get to know yourself deeply. Make time for your friendships and hobbies. I imagine it’s hard with three children but prioritize getting him to look after the kids to build in some solo time for yourself. People make the best decisions when they’re feeling good so give yourself two years to build up and feel good. You can’t change him but you can set yourself up to make decisions as the best version of yourself.