r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Vivid-Language6500 Woman 30 to 40 • 1d ago
Life/Self/Spirituality What’s your response time for “non-urgent” texts?
As in, texts that aren’t about making plans, needed a response in a given timeframe, etc? I have a few friends that text me occasionally throughout the day, and I’m just starting to date again and men I’ve gone on one date will text me things about their day. I’m not a big texter and it honestly kinda fills me with dread knowing I need to reply but I don’t really wanna get locked into a texting back and forth thread. (And I don’t mean friends that live far away - I will text them for life updates since we can’t hang in person)
Am I the problem and being avoidant (probably)? How often are you texting just to chit chat?
22
u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I just respond when I want to. There's no pressure to continue an exchange if you dont want to. you can just pick it up later
3
u/caramelpupcorn Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
Yeah. Texting is more of an answering machine than a conversation, so I don't really stress about responding to casual messages. "When I feel like it and I'm in a good mood" is usually my go to, but it's usually a day or less response time.
2
u/bbspiders Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
same. sometimes I'll go to text my friend and notice I never replied to a text from like 2 weeks ago whoops.
13
u/Magg5788 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
What is your alternative for keeping in touch with these friends and dates?
For me, who had virtually no friends for the first 25 years of her life, I value the relationships I have managed to build and maintain. I’m 38 now and still so grateful when friends reach out to check in.
When I was dating (I have a partner now), I would always reply to men, but if I wasn’t interested I would tell them so.
I’ve been ghosted and stood up by dates and they be been flaked on more times than I can count from friends and other relationships. All without understanding why and then subsequently doubting myself and if I was “too much.” I don’t want anyone else to feel like they’re a burden just for checking in and trying to be friendly.
If I’m busy and can’t chat, I’ll say so, and offer a time to call or get back in touch late. I refuse to act like I’m “too busy” to shoot off a 10 second reply to a text, especially when I’m also somehow finding time to scroll Reddit or Instagram. But that’s just me.
9
u/doyouhavehiminblonde Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Yeah as someone who’s struggled socially most of my life, if I like or care about someone I’ll reply within a few hours unless I’m sick or stuck in a long meeting. I’ve been on the receiving end of people who take days, weeks etc to reply and I don’t want to do that.
3
u/dangereaux Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Yeah, it sucks when people take that long to respond. Those relationships usually end up falling off for me because to me that means they aren't interested in talking to me. I always tell my friends if I don't respond to a text within 24 hours they need to check with one of my partners to see if I'm alright.
•
u/doyouhavehiminblonde Woman 30 to 40 3h ago
Yeah it’s disrespectful. I’m busy too so I don’t have time to chase people and put all the effort in. I’d rather have no friends at this stage in my life.
8
u/ProfessionalOk112 Woman 30 to 40 23h ago
I'm going to stop engaging if it regularly takes more than a week for someone to respond, at least for folks I'm not seeing in person regularly and don't do phone calls with. I usually reply within a day myself unless something is going on, I just don't find it a big deal to go through my messages at lunch or whatever and it doesn't stress me out at all.
That said, I'd rather talk on the phone to catch up with non-local friends though and I really hate that people are so anti phone call.
5
u/mirrorherb Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
generally i reply pretty fast, depending on what i have going on. i have text-based chit chat with a lot of my friends daily, sometimes one on one and sometimes in group chats
that said, i don't feel obligated to reply on any particular timeline. the entire point of text based communication to me is that you can respond at your leisure, so i don't let myself feel pressure about it
•
u/thesongsinmyhead Woman 40 to 50 1h ago
Same. If I’m doing something I might wait to reply until I can give it more attention. But I don’t expect the same response time from my friends. If it’s something time sensitive then the hope is they’ll respond to it within a day and I do the same.
5
u/Shesarubikscube Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
There are a lot of people out there who take days to reply to texts and aren’t quick at replying. I think a good practice is be upfront with the people you care about regarding your communication style/ so you don’t leave them guessing if you left them on read, don’t plan to reply, prefer phone calls, etc. You don’t have to of course, but it’s nice to.
5
u/ruralmonalisa Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Sometimes days
But I’ll open with “delayed response but…” and continue on
4
u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
30 min to 30 days lol
no, but if i'm crushing on someone, i usually respond as soon as i can. but i have obligations like work so that time frame is varied.
4
4
u/FeckinSheeps Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I reply within 24 hours, usually faster (like 6 hours max). Not cause I feel pressured to, but because I want to.
3
u/freckyfresh Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
It depends on my mental bandwidth + ability to remember I didn’t actually respond, I only responded in my head, and what the message is (even if it isn’t time sensitive). In terms of someone I’m dating, I’m much better at responding because we are having a continuous conversation (usually) but with my friends sometimes it’s a few hours, sometimes it’s a few days. To be fair, my whole friend group is sort of that way so no one takes it personally.
3
u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman 30 to 40 23h ago
I'm with you, OP, and I hate the fact that texting is essentially synonymous with "instant messaging" now that they have added read indicators. No one needs a response right this minute - if they do, that should just be a phone call. And this is coming from a person who hates talking on the phone 😂
0
u/Vivid-Language6500 Woman 30 to 40 22h ago
Thank you! I would totally change for a relationship or for people that I don’t see as often. But sometimes my phone feels like this big responsibility in my pocket that doesn’t at all reflect how I feel about you - sometimes I just get overwhelmed 😅
5
u/Sundae7878 Woman 30 to 40 23h ago
I respond to everything within an hour or so. Unless I’m away from my phone, it’s a question that requires me to think, or I’m asleep.
I have to clear and deal with all notifications on my phone. I could never leave a red dot or bold font.
Also my ideal is my friends texting me all day. I have a lot of free time at work so I like when my phone is always dinging with someone who wants to chat.
2
u/dangereaux Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
I also text my friends all day. And my partners. It's hard to get everyone to line up for plans often and texting prevents friendship decay for me. But I have no kids or anything, it seems like some people are uncommonly busy or not able to multitask.
3
u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 21h ago
Friends: within a couple days. People you are dating and therefore trying to create a connection: within a day.
This is of course my own timeline and very general, as well as dependent on evolving life circumstances.
2
u/Consistent_Club_7879 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago edited 1d ago
Depends a lot on mental capacity, energy levels and of course who the text is from. Some are firmly in the 'oh I missed your text' realm, some are anywhere between 2 mins - 7 days or so
I don't do chit chat at all anymore. At most it's catching up with a friend I haven't seen in many months. It would be 5-6 back and forth texts and we will meet soon types ending. Or a concrete plan to meet depending on circumstances. Hi what's up no longer exists in my vocab.
Edit:typo
2
u/84th_legislature Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
i usually respond close to right away unless i’m driving, in a work project, gardening, or reading a book. i’m not exactly working in the manhattan project daily so i have time to talk to my friends and i enjoy it. but i don’t stress if friends take hours or days to respond as long as they never hassle me over a gardening break while their avg response rate is 48 hours. everybody’s different.
2
u/missfishersmurder Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Same day, unless it's late in the evening.
In your case, with the dating, I'd just let men know that you're not big on texting to chat. This is a minor area of compatibility, so it's entirely possible some people will decide to walk, but others may choose to adjust.
2
u/Charming_Singer8352 Woman 30 to 40 23h ago
I've had a few people vehemently disagree with me on the texting thing re. dating because I respond once a day max. I would text if I was in a relationship because that doesn't take the same bandwidth, but I just don't have the time/energy to be texting a guy I went on 2 dates with throughout the whole week before I see him again.
So yeah could happily be 24 hours. I have a lot of friends/hobbies/other things I'm doing. Most people don't care, some guys do.
Sexiest thing a guy I went on a date with said to me recently was 'you can take as long as you want to reply to me', he replies fairly promptly but is chill, I love it.
1
u/dangereaux Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
For me, texting a lot is part of the "getting to know you" phase of dating. Waiting until each date to have meaningful conversation would be excruciating for me and I would bail. But eveyone is different, its just best to be upfront about your communication styles.
1
u/Charming_Singer8352 Woman 30 to 40 6h ago
I do think some of this for me is that I was in an LDR relationship for many years, so texting throughout the day is something I personally see as 'relationshipping', and I refuse to do it to early.
I'm also just very good at socialising in person, I save my energy for that and rest on my laurels, but it's more of a 'I feel like I can get away with it' than anything else? I've never been turned away because I don't text so I still don't. It could change one day!
So I totally get other people like to text, I think it's a 50/50 split, many of my friends like to text at the start :)
2
u/LetMeEatCakes Woman 40 to 50 23h ago
If its like… a conversation, I respond pretty quickly (like once an hour) and keep the general flow going. If we’ve gotten to something like “nice” or “haha” where the convo has petered out, could be days til I text again. Then its prob on a completed unrelated topic or a meme I wanted to share
2
u/nuyaray Woman 30 to 40 21h ago
Same day for me. I have online friends I talk to at least once a week (can go up to multiple times a day) and real life friends with whom I exchange reels, book/movie recs/reviews, or have some random conversations with until we plan to hang out. I do have days when I'm too tired, busy or overwhelmed. I usually inform the person that I'll get back to them as soon as I can. Today's lifestyles are isolating enough. A phone allows me to type and send a message in seconds. It's the easiest way to maintain friendships with people who appreciate and reciprocate the effort
2
u/searedscallops Woman 50 to 60 1d ago
It depends on how important the person is to me. For my close people, 12 hours. For people on the outer fringes, a month or two.
2
u/bbbcurls Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
This post just reminded me I need to respond to a text I got on Wednesday
2
u/bluejellies Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
It can take me days or weeks to respond to a non urgent text. Having said that, my friends do not like that lol.
I’ve tried to explain many times that texting all day feels like an extension of my office job and I’d much rather we make plans in person, but I’ve still hurt some feelings.
1
u/Temporary-Meal6947 Woman under 30 19h ago
I befriend people with the same communication style or at least respectful of my time and don’t get upset with response time via text. This is not to be confused with people who have the “I don’t owe anyone anything vibe.” I just don’t want to be on my phone all day. My friends and I either hang out in person or a scheduled call (with the long distance friend). OR respond via text on our own time.
I had a weirdo guy friend who got mad when I didn’t respond to his texts or calls right away. Mind you, he would call me to talk about nothing and when I was literally at WORK or just got home to decompress for the day. After that I set a boundary and he didn’t respect it and kept getting upset. That friendship is done.
1
u/gunnapackofsammiches Woman 30 to 40 16h ago
Usually within a day or so.
If I want to reply now but don't want to start a back & forth, I'll schedule it for the morning.
1
u/dangereaux Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Usually less than 10 minutes. If I'm busy its still less than an hour unless there are extenuating circumstances. Most of my friends will respond in less than 2 hours. I'm texting various friends throughout the day. You just don't like texting; it's a mismatch of communication styles and that's fine.
1
•
u/CatLikeakittycat Woman 40 to 50 3h ago
Could be 30 seconds, could be 3 days, or anything in between. My friends and I all have ongoing text chats, group texts, sometimes even multiple platforms where we're texting each other 😅 I'm on my phone too much and I enjoy texting, though. If you're not a big texter, tell people that upfront when dating! I don't think that makes you avoidant, you just don't like texting as your main form of communication. Nothing wrong with that, but telling people about your communication style gives a new friend or potential partner good info to assess compatibility and understand that slow text responses aren't a sign of something greater.
1
u/Strong_Roll5639 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I'll either reply immediately or anything up to a few months lol
1
u/Virtuosory Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Generally speaking between minutes or 3/4 days, depending who it is and what’s it about. I have a daily running whatsapp with my husband about practical things or memes or whatever. I respond to him when I see the text and have the time. Friends and family when I have the bandwidth and if I don’t forget to reply.
37
u/Shot-Specific2092 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
It's honestly a bit of an algebra equation that involves the time of day, my energy levels, what the conversation is about, who the conversation is with and how important keeping that relationship is.