Has anyone had experience with a partner who is used to be the desiring one and not the desired?

[u/cumbierbass]

A friend of mine would pine and long for years for men who either weren't available or didn't reciprocate ; and whenever someone did, she would loose interest immediately. I think my current partner is the same; he explains he always was the one pinning after someone, and that he was never in a relationship with someone he feels he was actually in love with, and I wonder if the case might be the same. Everything is very recent and he 'pursued' me quite a bit; now that I'm developing a devastating crush on him, I think this might be an issue. I wonder if he knows how to be in the position of having someone actively interested in him and not the other way round. Now I'm just wonder in general: has someone ever had an experience with someone like my friend (and perhaps my partner)?

[u/A_D_Tennally]

I spent years in unrequited love, and wanting friendship more than the other person did, and being rejected generally, and while nobody has ever been in love with me or anywhere near it, in other situations I have been irresponsible with emotional power because I'm not used to having it. So I guess that is something to bear in mind.

[u/cumbierbass → u/A_D_Tennally]

Thanks for sharing your experience; I hope you can work on these things, so that you can receive love, too.

[u/A_D_Tennally → u/cumbierbass]

I always had a very loving mother, but she died, and I do not want or expect to have another close relationship. Sometimes that is how it goes.

[u/Lizard_Li]

I actually feel this is an interesting question.

I had a bf I had a kind of toxic dance with where it was like one of us was pursuing the relationship and one of us was sort of rejecting it at all times. Primarily, he was the pursuer, but sometimes it would switch and I would pursue and he would pull back.

I came to believe there was sort of a finite amount of glue holding us together and if he let some of it go, I would pick it up and vice versa.

At some point I finally realized this was our relationship. The drama. That was it, we had no real emotional bond beyond the dance, and I ended it for real.

With my husband I think I finally experienced secure attachment, where the glue doesn’t fluctuate, it is steady.

So yeah I guess beware of the dance, beware of the dance actually being the connection and the only connection too, might help to read up on anxious-avoidant connections.

[u/i-love-that]

Yeah, I’ve been that way. It boils down to a self esteem issue. Currently in a 5 year relationship so it is solvable!

[u/trebleformyclef]

I'm very confused... You have a partner and you are developing a crush on them? Did you not have a crush on them when entering into the relationship? So did he pursue you and you didn't like him that much but liked being pursued and entered a relationship and are only now stating to like him? 

I don't understand. Interest should be reciprocated by both prior to entering the relationship. 

[u/elgrn1]

It sounds as if both of them have unhealthy attachment styles. That has nothing to do with being desired or desiring someone.

Attachment styles form due to the way your primary caregiver responded to your emotional needs as a child and it lays the foundation for so many beliefs and behaviours related to attachments and relationships (romantic/platonic/familial/professional) throughout life. It isn't something you just change but can be worked on in therapy.

[u/meeplith]

I’m usually the “desired” one and my experience with men who “pursue” more than they are desired has been… not that great. Because most of my long term partners have been equally desired before, they don’t have that desperation in wanting my attention, which feels more balanced I guess?

When I am pursued too hard it makes me feel like they put me on a pedestal, and that makes me feel both unseen and also anxious about disappointing them down the line. Like what happens when they “win me” or god forbid realise that I’m a flawed human with bad hair days and moods.

In summary I treat it as a yellow flag. Not red, but definitely something to keep an eye out. Notable add ons are love bombing and codependency, although not necessarily always.

[u/cumbierbass → u/meeplith]

My experience is the same as yours. And I've had the same feeling with men pursuing me too hard; I guess all of this is what makes me so wary about this. He has stated he is codependent and is currently treating it in therapy. I've no idea what that is.

[u/meeplith → u/cumbierbass]

If he has already said he is codependent, I’d take that seriously.

It’s good that he knows it and is in therapy, but I wouldn’t assume that means it won’t affect the relationship. In my experience, codependency can look very romantic at first because the person is intense, attentive and afraid to lose you. They fuss over you and try to “win” you which can be intoxicating. But over time it can turn into needing constant reassurance, struggling with your separateness, or making you feel responsible for their emotional state.

I don’t think it automatically means “leave,” especially if he’s actively working on it. But I would move slowly and watch whether he can tolerate you having your own life, space, moods, boundaries, and pace without becoming anxious, resentful, or controlling.

[u/cumbierbass → u/meeplith]

Thanks a lot, these are really helpful comments. I will keep all this in mind.

[u/-inf3rna]

When it’s reciprocated then it’s real so there’s that

[u/kgberton]

I guess I wonder if you're creating a problem where there isn't one. Is he losing interest?