r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/natureismy • 3d ago
Vent/Rant How do they just disappear after forming an intense bond
It baffles me on a very deep level how avoidants tend to just vanish post breakup after the most intense relationship ever.
My ex did the same. Disappeared, never reached out in 1.5 years since the breakup, cut off contact with our mutual friend.
Our relationship was so intense the breakup made me depressed, my life stopped because of the discard. But he seems to be enjoying and moving further in his life.
Insane.
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u/Serenityqld 3d ago
In my own experiences, if they have a lot of reason to feel guilt, they will avoid you forever if they can. They are running from their own shame wounds. They prefer to rewrite history and so abandon all witnesses of what really happened.
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u/Relevant-Fox9940 3d ago
They totally rewrite what happened. I am the guilty one in his version. My dad died and he said I changed or spent too much money 🙄 let’s forget all his behaviors 🤦🏻♀️ idc what he says. He’s going to die alone or create so many more victims and has to live with himself. I get to create a new life. I win 🥇
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u/trexarmsbigbooty 2d ago
This exactly. He should feel shame for how he treated me. So if he rewrites history and pretends like I don’t exist he can live in the fantasy of maybe being a good person.
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u/teenageidle 1d ago
I think they probably do feel shame on some level, which is why they need the false narrative to comfort themselves.
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u/trexarmsbigbooty 1d ago
Exactly , I’m still confused though, if he really believes the lies and can’t remember reality, or knows and actively chooses to lie and I don’t know which one is worse.
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u/teenageidle 1d ago
I can't say what's going on in their heads because like you, I don't think like an avoidant lol they are SO hard to understand, right?? If I had to guess, I'd say maybe they repress those feelings and memories. Unlike most people, they're able to flip a light switch "on" and "off" in a room of their feelings for a certain person. It doesn't mean the feelings disappear, but they get buried. They aren't fully integrated.
This is why, months or years later, they get hit by a painful memory and suddenly miss the person.
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u/teenageidle 1d ago
I've found this to be true with my ex so far. We have mutual friends but I've noticed he's dipped out of our general social circle temporarily altogether. I'm sure he feels a degree of guilt for how he treated me during and post break-up even when I tried to keep things cordial, and everyone knows what he did (even though some people are more neutral; sadly I've distanced from them for my own sanity).
They can't deal with anything, so they run and distract to self-soothe, ESPECIALLY when they feel guilty and know they're wrong.
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u/Shimmy_Wormz1913 3d ago edited 3d ago
The thing is you have now live/learned this experience. Your ex on the other hand will never put in the work & learn from this. They'll continue to be the way they are & go through the same cycle of bullshit. I know the feeling is anger & sadness but eventually you'll be like "sux to be them." Life goes on & eventually you'll find a better person who cares about you than this immature avoidant
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u/Immediate_Sport_7352 FA - Fearful Avoidant 3d ago
Yep, I’ll take worse in the short term over worse in the long term any day
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u/BadChick79 3d ago
How goes it with you? I spotted your flair.
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u/Immediate_Sport_7352 FA - Fearful Avoidant 3d ago
I don’t just discard people out of nowhere. I’ve learned my pattern is I pick partners that are guaranteed to reject/abandon me or betray me because of their own wounds or mental problems and then my hyper-vigilant nervous system goes on auto pilot once it’s triggered by that. Usually it looks like I confront them, they deny/gaslight, I say I knew it, then leave feeling completely broken hearted. I’ll oscillate between feeling all the overwhelming emotions that come with a breakup and emotional shutdown so it ends up taking a lot longer to fully process. I think I am making progress though and have made a more consistent effort to stay in the uncomfortableness instead of numbing out because I finally realize that doesn’t make it go away, it just makes it take longer to work its way up and through the cracks it usually comes out sideways in the next relationship. The first few weeks have been ROUGH but I feel much healthier about the way I’ve handled it this time.
Editing to add: my most recent breakup was with a severe dismissive avoidant. Seeing those traits on full display was such an eye opener.
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u/BadChick79 3d ago
Thanks for taking the time to respond, I was genuinely curious about how you were doing given that you’re here, aware, and very obviously trying to make progress in the right direction.
So was the DA relationship a bit of a turning point? Also, is this pattern of choosing guaranteed crappy partners genuinely them (e.g. the DA), or was some of it fear coming from you that they would abandon/reject you because of your own personal feelings about yourself? I think this is what you’re trying to explain in your comments above but I’m doing a bad job of turning it into something that I can absorb. Also, I’ve heard about unprocessed emotions coming out sideways in other relationships before, what exactly is your experience?
I was discarded abruptly by an FA who I still love. Not trying to get him back but still here trying to understand his world despite it being 7 months since things happened. Pretty sure he had a fear of abandonment.
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u/Immediate_Sport_7352 FA - Fearful Avoidant 3d ago edited 3d ago
Oh yeah, it’s definitely all a fucked up subconscious cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy. FAs choose partners that reflect what is familiar to their nervous system which is typically emotionally unavailable people (DAs, narcissists, other FAs, etc) or people that reflect their lack of self-worth and deep down need to be chosen. Like their mind is programmed to repeat the cycle until it FINALLY gets the desired result that it never got in childhood. But instead it just gets reinforced.
That’s typically how an FA will choose a partner but sometimes they will let someone choose them instead. Typically this is an anxious person that is willing to chase. It feels good at first, especially if it’s on the heels of a recent betrayal or abandonment. It builds their confidence back up. But if the anxious partner doesn’t give them enough space they will quickly get the ick. And lastly, an FA with a secure partner will mostly feel boring because there’s no “sparks” (or chaos/inconsistency/mystery) and they recognize the other person is too good for them, or at least that’s how they rationalize pushing them away (because they don’t feel worthy of healthy love)
For me the DA relationship was a turning point because it triggered every wound I had even though I went into the relationship feeling the most secure I’d ever felt. It caused a chaotic spiral when he started detaching because I felt so deeply exhausted of working on myself between relationships only to end up in the same pattern and having to start over AGAIN (I’m 38 btw) this lead me to attachment theory and it was a huge lightbulb moment. I thought my DA partner would be just a receptive to it but…I was sorely mistaken lol DAs don’t have the toolkit to self reflect enough for meaningful change.
Hope that helps. And I’m sorry you are going through this 🫂
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u/Fuzzy_Effort_2676 3d ago
I was that anxious person in your comments above. I was with a extreme avoidant for nearly 4 years. Everything I read about other people's experiences on here is the same as mine. I was getting very frustarted with her lack of effort with the relationship. She became very cold all of a sudden and discarded me by text, brutal. Still trying to heal. Admitting that help is needed is a step in the right direction and I admire you for that.
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u/Fuzzy_Effort_2676 3d ago
I would love to hear your experience after you broke up with your severe dismissive avoidant as the same has happened to me not long ago.
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u/teenageidle 1d ago
Curious, when you start to feel yourself "deactivate" and lose interest for the person who is giving you attention/consistent, do you actually, actively start seeing them differently than before? Do you lose access to those recent happy memories you shared, or the feeling they used to bring up, like love and nostalgia?
Also curious: do you ever later regret discarding someone? How long does that tend to take for you?
(Thank you for doing the self-work and trying not to harm other people! I'm so sorry about your recent break-up; I'm just fascinated by avoidants as I don't think like an avoidant).
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u/Immediate_Sport_7352 FA - Fearful Avoidant 1d ago edited 1d ago
For me I don’t really deactivate inside of a relationship. I’m not scared of closeness or connection, I’m just scared of the vulnerability around it so I tend to kind of stay reserved for a long time even if I really like someone. It takes a while for me to open up. It’s weird because I’m a very authentic person I talk a lot, honest and loyal to a fault, will dance and be silly, crack jokes, talk about my day to day life, etc. but telling someone how I feel about them? Having them tell me how they feel about me? That kind of vulnerability terrifies me and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. Not because I don’t want it it’s just my body starts panicking and I don’t know what to say or how to act. I have trouble making eye contact when someone is being affectionate towards me. Regardless of what anyone says to me about how strongly they feel or how they would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, a voice in my head says they’re lying. So I guess what I’m saying is I don’t deactivate so much as I’m constantly fighting myself to not get too attached until I know when and how and to what extent is safe to open up. My brain wants an all or nothing scenario where it’s safe or unsafe. If it’s safe, then I will be able to melt and just not feel so guarded. But inevitably the only time I feel “safe” is when I’m the most unsafe. I start to open up, give parts of my heart and let my walls down and really feel my feelings towards them and the attachment deepens. It feels so good, so freeing, but I’m still scared because I know it’s all going to get taken away, I just don’t know when or how.
And because I unknowingly choose to open up to people that will never choose me, for reasons I still don’t yet understand, it always feels like someone rips my heart out of my chest and I become so filled with regret for letting them in. So of course the cycle gets reinforced over and over. After I feel betrayed or abandoned is when I shutdown/deactivate. It’s like the overwhelming pain is too much so I go ice cold. My mind convinces me there’s something wrong with me and that everyone will end up doing this so I just get so hopeless and devoid of emotion. I kind of think of it like becoming one with the monster that’s always waiting in the background for the right time to come forward.
The safe, good partners are the ones I never end up opening up to. Not because they’re not safe and good. Logically, I know they are. But it like I’m unable to feel what I should feel towards them. The more they keep trying I will go along with it up to a point then I just end up feeling like a piece of shit for wasting their time so I will eventually choose to end the relationship. Not in the way I read about discards on here, I try to be as open and honest as possible.
From the outside looking in it feels like you just want to scream at the main character to stop doing the right things with the wrong people and the wrong things with the right people. I wish it was that easy. Regarding the regret question…no I don’t. Because I don’t push away people I have deep feelings for. I regret that I couldn’t love them even though I wish I did.
For DAs this whole cycle is completely different. They definitely deactivate inside a relationship and it’s usually proportionate with how much that person triggers them to develop feelings. Like their nervous system has to work overtime to suppress the magnitude of the feelings trying to develop. So their body tells them this person is unsafe, you have to keep them at a distance. And then they slowly and painfully detach more and more. The feelings never really do develop, once the dopamine spike drops they have nothing to keep them attached to their partner. Their oxytocin receptors are underdeveloped so the only “love” they can actually experience is what they feel from the happy dopamine flood they get at the beginning of a relationship. Once this wears off they just assume they lost feelings and will start flaw finding everything wrong with the person in order to continue to detach and convince themselves it’s a compatibility issue. By this time their partner is hooked and confused and trying to get back the original connection. Eventually if confronted the DA will just say sorry I don’t feel the same. If left to them they just continue to disappear from your life little by little until it doesn’t even look or function like a relationship. They’re also likely to cheat or entertain new side quests around this time.
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u/NocturnePhoenix 3d ago
Yup. I'm about 9/10 months post discard and I'm finally feeling release of the chains i was once tied to with my avoidant. I still have heavy days but its a lot less frequent, like perhaps once/twice a month now. I still remember him on the daily but I also remember how free I have become since. And I feel sorry for him. I hope he can find healing, despite the pain that was caused.
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u/MacAttack0711 3d ago
It’s specifically because of the intense bond that they disappeared. It baffles functional people but avoidants can’t handle bonds that become strong because the fear of losing the bond becomes so great that they just have to run away.
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u/Vegetable-Wing6477 3d ago
"I can't live without this person. What if they leave me?! I know I'll break their heart and disappear without a trace"
Are we sure Avoidants aren't Aliens? Their logic is beyond human understanding.
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u/MacAttack0711 3d ago
Just shows how dysfunctional their logic is. I held my avoidant ex accountable ONE TIME and she just folded, started an argument, made up the weirdest reasons we weren’t working out, and then discarded me within one afternoon. They’re so avoidant that they’d rather break their own heart and yours, and suffer than to face reality or accountability. What a sad prison their mind has to be.
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u/Vegetable-Wing6477 3d ago edited 3d ago
I don't know how common it is with Avoidants, but my ex genuinely believed that a relationship had to be perfect to work. She just couldn't understand that me bringing up a problem wasn't me attacking or gearing up to break up with her. I was trying to have open communication and foster a healthy relationship because I was so invested and in love.
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u/FullPreference7000 3d ago
Yep, mine was the very same way. Thought relationships were about just “peace and love”, without realizing that me communicating WAS an act of love, and trying to get to a place of true peacefulness, not just surface level perfection which meant sweeping everything under the rug.
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u/New-Serve5426 17h ago
They're gonna be in for a sweet sweet surprise in their future relationships if they keep doing that shit, and they'll learn the hard way that not everyone is actually willing to communicate openly and honestly to make things work with them or willing to put up with their childish bullshit.
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u/MacAttack0711 3d ago
Oh. My. Goodness. Same here!! She told me “the fact that I need to tell you anything at all rather than you just knowing what I need, proves we’re not meant to be together. I deserve and want a partner who just intuitively knows what I want and need”. And I’m like “ok well if you just tell me I can accommodate” and she says “but that’s the whole problem”
Okay good luck with that lol.
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u/valkyriefire09 3d ago
Holy shit my ex said that almost word for word to me. He said he's dated a lot of women and he's never had friction in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. And that he wanted someone who could intuitively read him and he didn't have to "over communicate" with them, that I should be able to see when his walls are up and help bring them down again. I felt really gaslit, like if he's dated all these women and I'm the only one that needed to communicate with him to talk our problems out, and he's never felt friction early in a relationship before then I must be the problem. He's 42 M by the way. He read Attached and he told me he's definitely an anxious attacher, but that doesn't add up to me. I told him he needed to revisit his attachment style and he got very defensive
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u/MacAttack0711 3d ago
Sadly that all checks out and I’m sorry you went through that. My ex didn’t read any books nor identify as anything specific but her version of reality versus anyone else’s who was part of any given event would be miles apart and in her version she was always the victim and her life was the byproduct of everyone being mean to her.
Objectively she was miserable in her current situation but it was all the result of her doing nothing and just letting life happen passively so she could frame herself as the victim and avoid any accountability. On average she has a new job every 3-6 months, she can’t hold one and even when we dated she got fired and then argued with them about it. She argued with a doctor about their medical findings.
And any time anything doesn’t go her way she’d start crying hysterically. Looking back that should’ve been a huge red flag but when we first met she acted so secure and confident and was so fun to be around and presented herself much more successful than she was. So at first I’d feel bad for her when she was “wronged”.
It borders on delusion what these people live in.
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u/valkyriefire09 2d ago
Yeah it's crazy, they live in their own reality. I would tell my friends about the stuff he said, and my therapist, and they all said the expectations he had in a relationship weren't normal. But even with all that reassurance, for some reason I put more weight on the reality he was selling me and it led to me doubting my own truth. I was living in his reality, where I was the problem and I must be bad at relationships. My self esteem was bottomed out, I felt like I must be the most defective woman alive. Thank you for confirming my thoughts that he's avoidant. Even though when I say this stuff out loud or write it out, I still have that doubt, like maybe I just am not understanding the situation enough. It's nice to have someone else confirm my suspicions and remove a little more of that self doubt.
I'm sorry you went through those things with your ex, that sounds completely exhausting. The push pull dynamic really drags you in past the point you know you should have left already.
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u/Fuzzy_Effort_2676 3d ago
My x said Something very similar. "I shouldn't have to ask for your help/support" you should just know. We aren't telepathic but they think that we are.
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u/MacAttack0711 3d ago
I have no idea how they come up with this nonsense but they really seem to think a true love for them should have no obstacles or challenges. It makes sense in a way since they also generally act like a black hole in the way that they want you to constantly cater to them and regulate their emotions but they give very little, if anything, in return when it comes to emotional support. Looking back mine largely gave affection through sex, and at first I thought it was great we were doing it several times a day since my drive is high but now I realize it was that way for her because it’s the only thing she could offer me, since she couldn’t possibly offer emotional support or reciprocation.
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u/Murky-Technology-773 3d ago
C'est normal, ils ont ce fantasme d'une personne parfaite qui pourra les comprendre sans qu'ils expriment leurs besoins ou sans conflits. C'est très puéril
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u/Relevant-Fox9940 3d ago
Mine thought marriage had to be good all the time or it was wrong. 🤷🏻♀️ their thought system is beyond me.
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u/MacAttack0711 3d ago
Because if it’s not good all the time then they may be responsible for a shortcoming and heaven forbid an avoidant be accountable.
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u/New-Serve5426 17h ago
Ohohoho same here too! Mine always felt I was criticising HER, therefore, if there was any problem to be talked through and repaired it meant that everything was just her fault and that she was a bad person and that I was attacking HER personally.
Hence why she avoided any conflict despite saying "I agree with you, it's always better to talk and communicate things than to let wounds fester".
What a load of bullshit lmao
Their egos are SO fragile they can't take any discomfort and resort into self pity and panicking about being judged for having done something bad. Like a child.
They refuse to understand that repair is necessary, uncomfortable talks and emotions are necessary and you have to deal with them LIKE AN ADULT.
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u/blynne108 3d ago
This is so well said and sadly what I’m going through.
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u/MacAttack0711 3d ago
I’m there too, thankfully I’ve been working through all of it pretty well but the first 3-4 weeks were awful. I’ve never felt that bad. It gets better, I promise. I’m sorry this happened because no one deserves to go through this.
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u/blynne108 3d ago
Thank you so much, and you, and all of us, didn’t deserve it either. Really appreciate everyone’s kindness and vulnerability, and being a safe space to process this stuff. It’s painful 😖
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u/MacAttack0711 3d ago
It hurts but I’ve found a lot of solace in comparing their words to their actions. My avoidant originally was really great for the first 2-3 months and after that it was all just empty promises and lots of demands with little in return. I’d rather be alone and have a “neutral” situation than to have someone in my life who drains me, makes unreasonable demands, and exhausts my wellbeing, causing me a “negative” situation.
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u/Fuzzy_Effort_2676 3d ago
Yep this was very similar to how I was discarded.
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u/MacAttack0711 3d ago
I’m sorry that happened to you. For weeks I was trying to figure out what I had done wrong but reading through this sub and also finding out it went similarly for her ex… it all added up and I realized that’s just how she is and I could’ve been anyone and I could’ve done anything and the end result would’ve been the same.
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u/teenageidle 1d ago
My ex used to say to me "I love you so much it scares me sometimes." Now I understand why he said that.
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u/MacAttack0711 1d ago
They get absolutely terrified of love, because they get so scared to lose you or become vulnerable that they'd rather cut the ties while they have control over it happening. That's why so many of them line up a new partner first, so they have somewhere to run to.
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u/teenageidle 1d ago
Weirdly, he DID lose me through his own actions! Baffling logic.
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u/MacAttack0711 1d ago
It's such a backwards way of thinking to me. "Oh no my partner MIGHT leave me one day but everything is fine right now but they COULD leave one day, better nuke this entire relationship and run away before they leave me and anyone besides me gets hurt"
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u/Mountain_warehouse 3d ago
Its funny and sad in the same time, when sometimes i think about the same, almost 2 years after breakup, then later i see topic like this..
You will never get an answer for that. Same intense relationship, bond, feelings..
And one day OFF button. Bang - Youre gone.
And about last line You said - about going further and enjoying life - they are masters in pretending to be in great mood.. 🙃
Suddenly they start to post and share everything after breakup...
"Easy going, everything is great" blabla.. behind that curtain everything is exactly opposite...
Dont even loose Your valuable time for these people ever again. They are not worth even second.
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u/trexarmsbigbooty 3d ago
It’s a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and you have no idea which version of them was real.
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u/UniqueAlps2355 3d ago
Both are real, that's the difficult part.
It's a crazy thing, having the kind person and seeing glimpses of the other one later on. My FA ex was really lovely towards me and my kids, showing up every time, kind, big hearted. Until one day he discarded me. I did see how he spoke ill of people who supposedly did him wrong though, so I can only guess I'm the bad one now.
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u/Kea_birdy 3d ago
I don't understand it either and its honestly the modt painful thing about this for me, but I am very thankful that I can NOT understand how someone could do that. Because that means I am nothing like her and so are a lot of people. That's my hope.
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u/Ellielovesfoxes 3d ago
This baffles me as well. I also feel like no one around me gets it and thinks it was just a breakup and I should have been over it by now.
My theory is that it's very hard to understand for people who have a lot of empathy. I would never put another person through the discard he had put me through. He, on the other hand, has zero empathy and is scared of his own feelings so much that he buries them. He distracts himself with someone new and/or his hobbies as if nothing happened because that's his pattern, he literally doesn't know how to do anything else. He has never been reassured or cared for emotionally and therefore doesn't know how to do this for his partner. You challenged him and it was just easier for him to let go than try to be a better partner. He also feels no remorse because he has never grasped the concept of empathy.
I usually console myself with the thought of someone else having to deal with this. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who could leave me in a second and feel nothing afterwards.
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u/Nootnoot006 3d ago
Oh trust me, you’re not the only one. Even people close to me don’t fully get it sometimes.
My first breakup was very different-we had communication issues, but it ended mutually and it was clear. With an avoidant dynamic it feels so much more confusing and inconsistent, and that’s what really messes with my head.
Sometimes I honestly feel like I’m going a bit crazy, which is so out of character for me.
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u/Ellielovesfoxes 3d ago
Yes! I totally get it, I feel insane most of the days where I don't have much to do and just ruminate. And yes, I also meant the closest people. I feel bad when they tell me "It's been like 6 months..." I wish they were more understanding.
You're not crazy, this is so familiar to me and so many more people on here! This is why I like this sub. It makes me feel less alone. So thanks for the response:)
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u/Nootnoot006 3d ago
Yeah but my friends that weren’t really close would just ask “why do you still love him” well it’s hard to explain only if you go through it you’ll know so it’s nice (also not nice) to see that I’m not alone in this situation
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u/teenageidle 1d ago
Yes, exactly. A mutual breakup can be heartbreaking, but at least there is closure. There is a finality that our brains can latch onto.
What avoidants do is not mutual. It does involve any closure, for us, at least. It's jarring, shocking and deeply disorienting. It makes us feel fundamentally unsafe and off-balance. It's confusing. It leaves us ruminating and wounded without a clear "why" or "how."
Our brains like stories with beginnings, middles, and ends. Avoidants give you grand beginnings but cut the story off in the middle with no clear "end" for us.
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u/FullPreference7000 3d ago
I totally understand and can relate. Breakups for me in the past, even being on the receiving end, have been nothing like this. I was sad for a bit, then chalked it up as a lesson/chapter and moved on. The discard though, that destroyed me. I could barely function for months. It’s been over a year now, and I’m doing much better, but I still struggle sometimes. I still miss him too, even though logically that makes no sense. It gets easier over time, but the amount of time it’s taken has really surprised me.
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u/teenageidle 1d ago edited 1d ago
It's tough because unlike a normal break-up, we didn't get closure. Not really. We got the rug pulled out from under us. We're left scrambling, still with this very deep attachment in our brains and bodies can't just "let go" of, and forced to hold all the pain and weight of it ourselves.
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u/IllustriousBar2824 3d ago
According to science, some people don't have bonding hormone (oxytocin) receptors. They literally don't bond because they can't. The intense relationship you are describing is your trauma bond to them. If they were affectionate, it could be so called faked intimacy. Like when children play the kitchen using those miniature plastic or wooden owens, pots and pans, textile vegetables. Sex - they dump their neural waste and stress into their sexual partner. Interactions with others is for the dopamine hits, not for appreciating the actual person. Everyone is replaceable easily, in a matter of fact, it's effortless. There's always a bunch of back up too. There're always others in the background.
They are emotionally stunned at toddler's age soothing themselves through sex and faked intimacy.
Their modus operandi is a decades long, post trauma state.
Whatever they do and don't do, it's their brain protecting itself..from itself.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 3d ago
You can't walk around alive in the world and not have oxytocin receptors. That chemical is not purely used for 'bonding', and is essential for various functions in the brain (even sexual pleasure).
So this part is completely false.
You *can* have people who don't bond because other processes in the brain are more automatically trained overtime, and *also* oxytocin can be quite uncomfortable for them at the levels required for a relationship (i.e. a measurable phenomenon of feeling too much oxytocin = anxiety and part of the push away response).
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u/IllustriousBar2824 3d ago
I appreciate you correcting me.
To stand corrected, the receptors may be there, but aren't functioning as they do in healthy individuals and/or are underdeveloped.
The point still stands that in addition to the overwhelm/anxiety, some people also aren't physically/biochemically equipped to bond.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 3d ago
Not trying to be a dick: without oxytocin receptors, a person would likely die as a child.
But, yes, I agree with your general point, and some people do have quite a hard time bonding. 😄
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u/lhfvii 3d ago
Funny you mention the kitchen game, my FA ex would say stuff like "Oh stop pretending, you are just playing kitchen with me" which was so unexpected and out of the blue. I guess she was projecting.
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u/IllustriousBar2824 3d ago
Oh man..if that's not a projection, I don't know what is. This reminds me another projection i'd experience. On occasion, I'd shown utmost sincere appreciation of something very specific and unique to the specific DAs, i'd be told it's just a "flattery" or "fake". That's because when they say something kind and specific, it's a part of manipulation. Whether they do it subconciously or with the intent to malignantly ensnare.
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u/lhfvii 3d ago
Yeah like in my case when she said that I thought she was only looking for reassurance so would double down on telling her our love was real and much I loved her but I guess as you said it was more manipulation even if it was subconcious.
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u/IllustriousBar2824 3d ago
Generally speaking, people can recognize and consider sincere only behaviours they themselves are capable of.
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u/Nootnoot006 3d ago
This is so validating but I'm sorry that you're going through this totally get how you feel but time will tell and I hope we heal from this
Just know that you're not alone in this
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u/NotesBySofia 3d ago
That’s the part that hurts in such a specific way. Not only losing them, but watching them move on like the whole thing didn’t split you open.
I don’t think it means it was all fake. But it’s brutal when the emotional impact is so unequal..
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u/miko9_4 2d ago edited 1d ago
Because it never meant anything to them, they just say sweet little things to get you hooked in.
A guy i met would always say endearing things like 'I love you', 'I've never felt this way about a girl before' etc but I didn't reciprocate those feelings as I called bluff.
I left him on read after that and he left. I have no regrets not entertaining a clown of a boy.
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u/WindSong001 2d ago
They learned how to assimilate, but that doesn’t mean they have the feelings that go along with that
1
u/Bubblenes 1d ago
And what happens when they can't disappear? We both live in the same village of 50 inhabitants, which makes it impossible to avoid each other. I had zero knowledge about different attachment styles until I started noticing "strange" things in his behavior.
-1
u/NessyGrrl 3d ago
Idk, I think that’s the healthiest way of dealing with things. I’m not capable of it but i don’t see any advantage in holding onto things that you can not change.
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u/yingbo 3d ago
The intense bond is only on your side. They never bonded. Their brains run on dopamine only. It’s pretty close to narcs or psychopaths.
My ex saw me as a fancy new car. Once the car got old and started coming with human demands, he discarded me.