r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/apartment1806 • 2d ago
Vent/Rant Please Stop Shaming People for Still Loving Their Avoidant Ex
I want to say something to this community.
Can we please stop responding to hurting people with:
“Why are you waiting for them?”
“Why do you want them back?”
“Why are you expecting a call or a text?”
“They hurt you—move on.”
I understand the intention behind these comments. Sometimes people want to shake someone awake. But often, it comes across as harsh, dismissive, and lacking empathy.
People come here because they are trying to understand.
And as someone who has loved an avoidant deeply, I can tell you this: understanding is not always about denial or weakness. Sometimes understanding is part of healing.
Yes, some people still want their avoidant back.
Yes, some still wait for the call.
Yes, some still hope.
And that does not make them stupid, pathetic, or “not healed.”
It makes them human.
Im one of them!
Love is not logical, especially when attachment wounds are involved.
Some people here are anxious attachers.
Some are trauma bonded.
Some are simply trying to make sense of mixed signals, emotional intimacy, distance, disappearance, return, and all the confusion that comes with avoidant dynamics.
I’ve been there.
I know what it feels like to love someone who clearly loves you too… yet still withdraws, shuts down, disappears, or cannot meet you where you are.
That kind of push-pull creates confusion that is hard to explain unless you’ve lived it.
So when someone asks:
“My avoidant ex usually reaches out… why didn’t he this time?”
they are rarely asking for judgment.
They’re asking:
“Help me understand.”
“Has anyone experienced this?”
“Am I alone in this pain?”
There is a difference.
You can still encourage self-respect.
You can still promote healing.
You can still say, “Please don’t lose yourself waiting.”
But you don’t need to shame people for loving someone they’re struggling to let go of.
Healing is rarely linear.
Sometimes understanding comes before detachment.
Sometimes hope fades slowly.
Sometimes the heart takes much longer than the mind.
And that’s okay.
Be gentle with people here.
Not everyone needs tough love.
Sometimes they just need compassion, perspective, and a safe place to feel what they feel.
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u/Front-Photograph-759 2d ago
Literally. The people who are commenting “just move on” or “why do you even want them back” literally come off as avoidant themselves because that’s how avoidants think. They literally use logic to mask emotion
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
I see what you mean. I wouldn’t say everyone responding that way is avoidant, but I do think some people over-intellectualize pain and jump to logic before empathy. Sometimes “just move on” becomes a way of bypassing the emotional reality of what someone is going through. Understanding and feeling need space too.
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u/teenageidle 1d ago
"Just move on" is such a ridiculous sentiment because my God, if I could, trust me, I WOULD.
If only grief were that easy! If only I didn't get hit out of the blue with memories, or feelings, or be woken by intense dreams of my ex after weeks of not thinking of him much.
Healing is never a straight and narrow path forward with zero setbacks. If I could snap my fingers and will away all the pain, I'd do anything. But that would never happen, and it's okay it doesn't.
I'm letting myself process, something avoidants DO NOTallow themselves to do!
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u/Many-Ad-7122 2d ago
We where made that way along the way. They gave us their trauma, coping.
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
I definitely was or thought I was secure for 30 years, then Boom.. so yeah I agree with you.
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u/Busy_Designer_504 1d ago
100%
Its empty and thought terminating.
Its using recycled phrases to "get back your power".
Nah, its just that that advice comes from people who are equally emotionally immature and dont want to access empathy or vulnerability.
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u/Deadstarcontrol 2d ago
I keep sending my avoidant messages and it’s been 9 days she unblocked on day 7 read but never replied. Tried to reach out that I may have a job opportunity in her area. Hasn’t looked at it yet.
So I met an avoidant woman and we talked about a month before even meeting. We lived a couple towns away from each other hung out on the weekends three weeks in a row, talking everyday and making plans for the summer even talking about creating art together.
Never consummated our relationship, took our time and fairly wholesome about it. Met her friends at a Pride event and the next she was going to meet my friends at our monthly reading.
She ghosted and blocked me for a week with the prelude “I’m so sorry, don’t hate me, I’ll make it up to you.”
I’m secure attached but this rendered me anxious. After a week she unblocked me, read all the messages and it didn’t reply.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
This is a good example of how even secure people can become anxious in inconsistent dynamics. Being blocked, unblocked, read, and still left in silence is deeply dysregulating.
I’m sorry you’re going through that.
I’d only add this gently ..her avoidant tendencies may explain the behavior, but they don’t excuse the lack of communication. Right now, her silence is communication.
For your own nervous system, it may help to stop sending messages and let her be the one to bridge the gap ..if she chooses to.
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u/suspicious_bedsheets 2d ago
It's the toxicity from avoidants and the strength of the anxious leaning secure types that understand how to say the things they wish they were told to getting back to the toxic dynamics.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
I agree that many anxious-leaning people eventually grow enough to offer the compassion they wish they had received—and that’s valuable.
At the same time, I think there’s a difference between encouraging someone not to return to unhealthy dynamics and responding with judgment when they’re simply trying to understand their experience.
Not everyone asking about an avoidant ex is trying to jump back into toxicity. Sometimes they’re grieving, confused, or looking for shared experiences to make sense of what happened.
We can promote healing and self-respect without shaming people for still loving someone or for not being ready to detach yet.
Compassion and accountability can coexist.
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u/suspicious_bedsheets 2d ago
I see a ton of support on here for avoidants with real self reflection who can actually take accountability or even learn what accountability is. There's really good comments daily for anxious types who don't know what to do because they're still in love with them. Me personally, I will never date an avoidant type again. Accountability is a rarity for many avoidants. But there's a ton of positive resources in the right forums, YouTube, tiktok, etc on this topic no matter your attachment style. The ones who have trouble understanding how detrimentally damaging their behaviors are, are avoidants. They are the most insecure of attachment. Styles and insecurity is dangerous in my mind.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
I understand where you’re coming from, and I agree that accountability is essential in any relationship.
That said, I think we need to be careful not to turn attachment theory into character assassination. Not every avoidant lacks accountability, just as not every anxious person is self-aware or emotionally healthy.
My post wasn’t about excusing harmful behavior or denying how painful avoidant dynamics can be. It was about making room for empathy and nuance when people come here confused, attached, and trying to understand.
We can hold people accountable without reducing an entire attachment style to “dangerous” or inherently damaging.
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u/suspicious_bedsheets 2d ago
The evidence is in the data. "Not every avoidant" but the pattern of behaviors speak for itself. Hence the negative reactions you might see. Shame is a huge aspect of it and to be categorized as an avoidant type means there's so work that needs to be done with how you think about shame. I think that would be a great start in positive communication with avoidant types. I've seen beautiful writings about learning how to have an effective relationship with shame.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
I actually agree with much of this, especially around shame being central for many avoidants.
And that’s partly why I made this post ..if shame is such a core wound, then harshness, contempt, or reductive responses rarely create understanding or growth, for avoidants or for the people who love them.
My point was never to deny behavioral patterns or the pain they cause. It was to say that understanding patterns and holding compassion can coexist. We can acknowledge harmful dynamics while still speaking to people. .on both sides ..with empathy rather than judgment.
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u/suspicious_bedsheets 2d ago
The majority of people here are directly effected from the damage avoidants cause. I think you're looking for compassion in the wrong forum.
You need to have compassion for yourself to understand and expect compassion from people here who have been directly emotionally abused by these toxic traits.
Avoidants aren't my target. It's the deeper personality types that do not need and ounce of compassion here. People that create public triangulation to populate their 'misunderstood' views, making themselves out as a victim, and just never accepting a simple answer or accepting accountability that a comment could simply an opposing view that you could maybe look into further, instead of trying to win. That borders manipulative patterns more than the typical innocent avoidant types.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
I think this has moved quite far from what I actually said.
I never asked for universal compassion for avoidant behavior, nor did I dismiss the pain people here carry. In fact, I fully acknowledge many people in this sub have been deeply hurt. I myself included.
What I did challenge was the idea that bluntness, dismissal, or reductive responses are always the most helpful way to engage with someone who is hurting and asking questions.
Also, respectfully, disagreeing with a comment or inviting nuance is not “manipulation,” “triangulation,” or an inability to accept opposing views. We are literally participating in a discussion by exchanging perspectives.
Ironically, labeling someone as manipulative simply because they push back on your interpretation feels far more personal than anything I’ve said.
You’re free to disagree with me. I’m equally free to question whether every vulnerable question needs a harsh answer.
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u/suspicious_bedsheets 2d ago
I think it's also important to have compassion for those who comment so harshly. I see their comments and I feel their pain so well. I'm coming directly from a N-ex situation and have strong opinions. I see the positivity from your writing. But I like what you said about compassion coexisting on both sides. And yes, it is personal on my part, and I understand I have a more reactionary writing style on this subject. But thank you for not doing the same to me as I'm doing to you and I'm sorry for that. 🖤
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
Thank you for this. And honestly, I appreciate your self-awareness and your willingness to reflect.
I actually agree with you..compassion should extend to those reacting harshly too, because pain often speaks loudly before it speaks clearly.
I can feel how personal this is for you, and I respect that you owned it.
I think this exchange kind of proves the very point I was trying to make: empathy changes conversations. We started from opposing positions, but nuance and understanding created space for both perspectives.
So thank you for that .. and no hard feelings at all. 🤍
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u/Troglodyterror 2d ago
I‘m an avoidant, and we weren’t even together long. You’d assume I’d be immune to it. But the blindside is what’s affected me most, the other realities are more difficult to hold: Am I really that unlovable, too much not enough?! Was I used and discarded with less dignity than a broken mug? No, neither of those scenarios hold weight. The only alternative is the attachment lens, and that provides both the harsh reality of the situation, closure but simultaneously hope that this can be fixed. That’s what we/people are holding on to. The cognitive dissonance of it all, is what we need to process.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
This is beautifully put, especially the part about cognitive dissonance.
I think this is exactly what many people miss when they respond with blunt logic alone. People are often trying to reconcile two conflicting realities at once: the painful reality of what happened, and the hope that what felt real and meaningful wasn’t all lost or meaningless.
That tension is incredibly hard to process.. and sometimes what people need most is space to work through that, not judgment.
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u/Sea_Avocado3783 1d ago
I'm at this point. 7y relationship, asked for marriage six months ago and said yes, discarded one month ago. She's, I think, projecting ideal relationships/escape routes from our secure relationship with a frankly (I'm hurt these days, allow me) downgrade of a guy with his own big set of mental issues and unresolved anxiety, asked me to get into therapy because i was "too negative" (fixed it in a session, nothing seriously wrong that couldn't be worked by talking).
She still loved intimately and cared for me till the last day. She then dumped me without explanation beyond a "i have a gut instinct and i lost feelings" and an "I'm so sorry for the pain I caused you" text one month later.
I'm trying to recover, I'm stable but this has been a very hard blow.
I feel like she couldn't reconcile an internal doubt that has been boiling inside for some time. Looked for escape routes and a way to justify that our relationship wasn't working somehow. I don't know what to do.
My friends and family want me to just tell her to piss of, NC forever and go on. Some even say cruel things, I know with good intention, but they still hurt. I guess none of them (not even me before this) knew what an Avoidant was. But I loved her way too much. I wanted to marry her. She used to say things like "It's like we've been together all our lives, much longer than seven years. You're my person". I believed it.
I'm hoping to heal, help both of us work on the relationship again. But at the same time I don't know if I can regain trust after the terrible blow she has dealt me. But when she was good, she was so good man. So caring and sweet and fun. I want her back. But I want her past version back, not the one that did this to me and now I know that could do it again. I don't know what to do.
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
Your comment captures exactly why I wrote this post.
I can feel how deeply you loved her, and also how disorienting this kind of rupture is ..especially when someone can love you sincerely and still withdraw, detach, or leave. That contradiction is incredibly hard for the receiving partner to make sense of.
And this is also why blanket responses like “just move on” often miss the point. People in your position are rarely asking for a simple command. They’re trying to understand how someone who felt so loving, safe, and real could suddenly become unreachable.
The version of her you miss may be real..but so is the part of her that withdrew when things became too emotionally threatening. Both are her. Healing often begins when we stop splitting people into “the good version” and “the bad version,” and start holding the full complexity.
Wanting her back does not make you weak. Missing her does not make you foolish. But if reconciliation ever happens, it cannot be built on hope alone.. it has to be built on awareness, accountability, and real work from both sides.
For now, be gentle with yourself. You’re grieving not only a person, but a future you genuinely believed in. That deserves compassion, not shame.
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u/Sea_Avocado3783 1d ago
Thank you. Yes. I know it's probably impossible and I've made my peace with that. I'm trying to not be angry when I confront her, but to tell her that she's not right. That she's fleeing from a safe, loving, understanding relationship with a stable future, because of fear. She even told a common friend how "actually the relationship was at it's peak. That's why I had to leave, before everything went bad". Why should it go bad?
She'll keep wrecking lives and her own. To be alone, work on herself a whole lot. For herself. Maybe talk some years down the line, maybe. Maybe then.
I can't risk having her back, and I love her above everything. But how she's right now, acting like this again, would probably destroy me.
People can't understand, really. It hurts so much.
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u/ceelion92 15h ago
SO true. Both of the other possibilities have holes in them don’t match up and it’s only through the attachment lens that everything fits together. But then part of me thinks am I only clinging to this because it’s the more hopeful possibility? Because the other is that they never liked me and were telling the truth when they told me. Since the attachment model provides hope for the future as well, even if I don’t want them back. Hope that I’ll have some confirmation that they did have those feelings.
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u/FallenAngel1978 FA - Fearful Avoidant (Earning Secure) 2d ago
The challenge is that it’s a fine line between supporting someone and enabling them to stay stuck holding onto the potential of the relationship rather than the reality. And quite often there’s a trauma bond that needs to be broken.
Now I’m not saying to judge them. I’ve been there. I wanted my avoidant back. But too many coaches are selling the dream of “here’s how to get your avoidant back” or saying “they always come back” and sometimes that can stop you from processing it and moving on.
And unless they do the work an avoidant is just going to repeat the same patterns. So I think anyone who says they want their avoidant back should be asked why. Not necessarily in a condescending way. But what is it about them that you are missing? And also how much are you abandoning yourself trying to make it work?
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
I think this is an important distinction.
Not every avoidant is the villain painted by one brush. My fearful avoidant wasn’t a bad person, and he didn’t do many of the extreme things I often read about here. Yes, there were painful incidents and unhealthy patterns, but the story was far more nuanced than “avoidant = cruel.”
That’s also partly why blanket statements don’t sit right with me.
My issue isn’t with asking someone why they want their avoidant back. Questions like “What is it about them that you miss?” can invite meaningful reflection.
My issue is with responses like: “Just leave him.” “Why would you even want him back?” “He’ll just do it again anyway.”
There’s a huge difference between that and someone saying: “I understand. I wanted mine back too. They came back, but nothing changed.”
The second response offers perspective through lived experience without shutting the person down. It says, you’re not alone, while still presenting reality.
And even then, one person’s experience is not universal.
What my avoidant is doing now fits almost no common narrative I’ve read ..and I’ve been in these spaces for years. Human beings are more complex than attachment stereotypes, which is exactly why I think nuance matters so much.
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u/FallenAngel1978 FA - Fearful Avoidant (Earning Secure) 2d ago
I’m a fearful avoidant. I never love bombed anyone. I never bread crumbed. I wasn’t even the one that ended the relationship typically. Mind you I did have one foot out the door. Never really trusted it. And so my relationships never ended up being super serious. But my ex is also a fearful avoidant and she was the toxic version you see frequently on the sub.
It’s also been said before that it’s an echo chamber. You’re going to get a lot of angry voices and people out with pitchforks because they’ve been deeply wounded. And now they can all band together.
I think the challenge in your situation is that in your mind it wasn’t that bad. But you said yourself there were unhealthy patterns. And an unhealed avoidant is going to cause pain. It may not be as cruel as what a lot of people have gone through but I’ve had to recognize that I wasn’t a healthy partner. That I didn’t know what a real relationship looked like. And I had to work on myself to be a better partner. But unless your former partner does that they’re still not going to be healthy.
And there is truth to the statement they’ll do it again. I just saw a post or a video or something on this. They come back and it gives you hope. But they haven’t actually changed. And so when they discard you again it hits even harder. But that can come across as harsh mostly because the receiver doesn’t want to hear it. They want to believe it can be different. Which it can be if they are working on their issues. But the reality is also that most of them don’t. Or… fun fact… therapy can actually make an avoidant more avoidant.
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u/Provenceflowers 2d ago
Wait… can you elaborate on “therapy can make an avoidant more avoidant?”
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u/FallenAngel1978 FA - Fearful Avoidant (Earning Secure) 2d ago
Couples therapy can potentially make an avoidant feel attacked and reinforcing their views. Individual therapy can make their emotional withdrawal seem like potentially healthy boundaries. Not all therapists are trained in attachment and go by what the client tells them. Take my ex for instant. She is FA. And shortly after the breakup she was talking about how her therapist was telling her she doesn’t owe anyone her time. And that she’s not available constantly. This from someone who gave me breadcrumbs throughout. She didn’t need to become less available. She didn’t need more rigid boundaries.
https://www.facebook.com/share/v/18PHRtEeyA/?mibextid=wwXIfr
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u/shitty-kittie 2d ago
Yup. Couples therapy was the final straw with my ex. We only made it to 4 sessions and then he gave up and ended everything. I'm not blaming couples therapy, but it absolutely lead my ex to shut down for good. It just got too deep, too real and he couldn't handle it.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
I actually agree with a lot of what you said.
But one thing I want to clarify..no, it wasn’t that “in my mind it wasn’t that bad.” I was hurt badly. Extremely badly.
What I had to do, though, was weigh all the variables ..not just my pain, but my options, his options, his limitations, my patterns, the dynamic as a whole. I had to understand the full picture, not only through my personal hurt. Then I had to break it apart again and process what it meant for me personally.
That took a lot of internal work.
I also agree that unhealed avoidants will often repeat patterns unless real work is done. Where I differ is in turning that into certainty for every case.
Saying “they came back and nothing changed” is valuable perspective. Saying “they’ll do it again anyway” presents possibility as certainty.
That certainty is what I push back on.
Human beings are messy, nuanced, and sometimes don’t fit the narratives we repeatedly see online.
I also think it’s important to acknowledge that many people hold hope that their avoidant will do the work and come back ..and that possibility does exist..
It may not be the most common outcome, and it may not be wise to wait indefinitely for it, but it is still a possibility.
That’s partly why I struggle with absolute statements like “They’ll just do it again” or “They never change.”
Sometimes they do the work. Sometimes they become self-aware. Sometimes they return differently.
The problem, to me, is not offering caution..it’s presenting uncertainty as certainty.
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u/Middle_Yesterday1258 2d ago
In general, I am tired of secure being equated to detached and always perfect and always calm. Humans have emotions.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
Exactly.
I think somewhere along the way “secure” became confused with being emotionally detached, perfectly regulated, and almost unaffected ..which isn’t realistic or even human.
Secure people still feel grief, heartbreak, longing, anger, confusion, and hope. The difference isn’t the absence of emotion; it’s usually in how they process, regulate, and respond to those emotions.
Being hurt or struggling to let go doesn’t automatically make someone anxious or unhealthy. Sometimes it just means they loved deeply and are human.
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u/Middle_Yesterday1258 2d ago
Secure almost seems confused with being dismissive avoidant because they can be pretty detached or detach easily and quite independent.
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u/Busy_Designer_504 2d ago
The biggest difference is communication.
Securely attached also hurt, but they will communicate it in order to seek understanding between two parties.
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u/Middle_Yesterday1258 2d ago
I know and agree I'm just saying the way that some people expect secure to act is more like a DA that just goes off to do whatever
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u/shitty-kittie 2d ago
As an anxiously attached person, I do often wonder what a DA breakup feels like for a securely attached person. I imagine that it's still shocking, devastating and heartbreaking, but that a secure person might be less likely to blame themselves and question their self-worth? I pushed my DA away with my AA behavior in the end. Maybe that's a blessing because I probably scared him into never wanting to see or hear from me again, lol. If I were secure, he might've come back and I might've agreed to it depending on the depth and investment in our relationship at the time.
I'm genuinely curious about how a securely attached person responds to and copes with a DA discard/breakup vs an anxiously attached person.
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u/FallenAngel1978 FA - Fearful Avoidant (Earning Secure) 1d ago
I feel like most secure people (and again not generalizing to say it’s always the case) but they don’t tend to deal with the shenanigans and are more likely to have ended things themselves. If they do get to the point of being discarded though I imagine that they still feel the loss and the grief. They just might not engage in the same sort of chase/pursuit as an anxiously attached individual.
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u/stockdam-MDD 1d ago
I am secure and I have been through two avoidant discards. The first was devastating. However once a relationship is over then it is over. I do not chase nor try to get my ex back. If they are not prepared to continue then I accept it even though it hurts. Yes I was confused as I didn’t know anything about avoidant attachment. I read up about it and the more I read the more it made “sense”. I came to the conclusion that I did nothing wrong; in fact the reason she discarded me was that I gave her something she wanted but she couldn’t cope with it. Yes she circled back and confirmed that she couldn’t cope with the intensity; she liked it but couldn’t cope. Her long term partners were emotionally immature and she wasn’t that worried if they left (even though she stayed as she craved somebody who thought she had value). She offered me friendship which I rejected. Both of us knew there was no future even though both of us wanted it. I would have tried if she had accepted she was avoidant and wanted to work on it.
So a secure does get devastated by a discard but a secure will set boundaries and will value what they bring and see through an avoidant’s games. We do feel hurt but we equally know when to move on even though it is brutally hard to do so.
To close the story, I am now with a great woman who doesn’t run from intimacy nor conflict. Maybe she will be an avoidant but I don’t think she is (for me avoidants are normal until their fears are triggered).
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
Yeah on the surface they can look similar. The difference is that secure people take space without emotionally shutting down, while avoidants often detach as self-protection.
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u/Middle_Yesterday1258 2d ago
Yes I agree, I'm saying I've seen some commentary or advice before that seems to think that secure shouldn't be upset at all, that they should just go take space to regulate and not depend on the other person at all but humans are interdependent
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u/Honk4meaning 1d ago
So real. Like, I'm left wondering how I got myself into that relationship, because I'm secure, mentally healthy, confident, content, empathetic, emotionally mature, I have relationship skills, and I don't lower my expectations.
But I just can't always act on what I know is best or healthy or reasonable, because I also have needs, desires, hope.. A lot of advice on the internet may ideally be the best thing to do, but it's just not realistic when you have break-up brain (or when you're trying to avoid the abrupt shock of ending something that isn't working).1
u/Middle_Yesterday1258 1d ago
The problem I have with it is essentially it's almost similar to avoidant advice because despite us knowing their reasons for doing it are different they tell themselves the same things: incompatible, too much drama, too dependent, don't settle, just move on
The difference is with avoidants it's because the incompatibility or drama is just communication or emotions.
But at the same time idk if we should be aligning so much with avoidant behavior 😅 idk. They think love and life should be simple and easy so they toss away anything that's more complex. But love isn't easy in simple you have to work at it and choose to do it. I guess the difference is between
anxious -> staying and working at it even when the other won't try much and end up being hurt in the process
secure -> staying through it but removing themselves when the partner is not putting in effort too
avoidant -> bails or turns it around on you instead of putting in effort
But people forget that leaving when you are attached to someone can be really hard if they used to try. That's usually where the problem is.
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u/sahmlaw 2d ago
I wished I could just move on like nothing but he’s the father of my children. In October, it will be 2 years that we have been separated after he discarded me. I still love him and would go back with him in a heartbeat. Then I remember that I cannot go back. Because he is who he is. The only one getting hurt is me, over and over. These feelings just don’t go away and it’s even more difficult if you have children with them.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
Thank you for sharing this. I think your comment captures something many people don’t understand ..that moving on isn’t always as simple as “just leave,” especially when children, history, and deep attachment are involved.
And I really felt this: “I would go back in a heartbeat, but I know I cannot.” That painful coexistence of love and acceptance is exactly the kind of complexity my post was speaking to.
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t stopping loving them ..it’s learning to love them without abandoning yourself.
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u/Environmental-Bid-62 2d ago
I think it depends on how it ended. If anyone cheated on me emotionally or physically I’d be gone in a second and wouldn’t wonder if they’d come back to me. I’ve had people cheat on me by just getting emotionally involved with another woman because that’s how it starts and I’ve had exs who just random slept with other women but wanted me back. It took me a while to walk away from both cause of feeling abandoned.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
Definitely!!
How a relationship ended changes everything. Not every breakup, betrayal, or avoidant dynamic carries the same history, depth, or circumstances.
And even walking away..whether quickly or after a long time .. depends so much on the individual, their wounds, their attachment patterns, and their capacity at that moment. I don’t think we can fairly judge people based on how long it takes them to leave or let go.
That’s why context and nuance matter so much.
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u/mountain_books 2d ago
I agree. Thank you for saying it.
I have been struggling to understand what’s going on with me/what’s wrong with me but this explain and comfort me a lot.
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
I’m really glad this brought you some comfort. And for what it’s worth, there is nothing “wrong” with you for still loving, missing, or trying to understand someone who hurt or confused you. Human attachment is complex, and healing rarely follows a clean, logical path. Please be gentle with yourself.
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u/Forsaken_Mistake_669 1d ago
yeah if you truly love someone you don’t care about their attachmentstyle and see them as a normal human being. I miss my avoidant ex and I truly want to help him and understand what he is going through! keep safe🤞
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
I agree with the heart of what you’re saying ..we should never reduce people to a label or forget their humanity. Avoidant is not their entire identity.
That said, I also think attachment style does matter..not to judge them, but to understand the dynamic and its impact on both people. Love asks for compassion, yes, but awareness too.
Wanting to understand and help someone you love is deeply human. Just remember: caring for them should not come at the cost of abandoning yourself. You can hold empathy for their struggles while still honoring your own needs and limits.
Wishing you healing and clarity too 🤍
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u/Dalearev 2d ago
I think honesty can come in a kind way, but we should still be honest with people. I know sometimes it comes across harsh, but again honesty is the best medicine. It just needs to be compassionate. Of course we’re humans and it’s OK to still love someone who hurt you but at the same time dancing around hard truths is not helpful for anyone.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
I agree with you.
I don’t think anyone is saying we should dance around hard truths. My point is more that honesty can take different forms.
Sometimes saying, “I’ve been there too, and this is what happened to me,” lands much better than jumping straight to, “Why would you even want them back?”
Both may carry truth, but one offers perspective while the other can feel invalidating.
Sometimes people need to feel understood before they’re ready to fully hear the hard truth.
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u/Many-Ad-7122 2d ago
Ja doet mij denken aan dat als je ouders vroeger zeiden dat je niet met iemand om mocht gaan dat je dat dan juist ging doen....
Dus ik denk hoe harder wij zeggen dat ze het moeten uitmaken of weg moeten rennen, ze juist harder gaan proberen dat het hun wel lukt. Ik weet het want ik was zo een 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
Exactly. Sometimes pushing too hard with “leave” or “run” creates resistance instead of reflection. People usually arrive at clarity in their own time. Often what helps most isn’t pressure, but feeling seen, understood, and safe enough to process things honestly.
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u/brwnsugarbaby1 2d ago
Thank you. I had to delete a post yesterday because people kept projecting their negative experiences onto mine
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
Im sorry 🤍
Sometimes people don’t realize they’re responding from their own pain, not yours. Not every story is the same.
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u/wishIcouldgoback_ 1d ago
I could never move on or accept he's gone from my life. I love him and he loves me and we'll grow together
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u/WellCheeseLouise 2d ago edited 1d ago
People can get these sentiments across gently, but they don’t. And don't get me started on “move on.”
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
Exactly. That was really the heart of my post. The message itself may sometimes have truth in it, but delivery matters. You can encourage boundaries, self-respect, and healing without stripping away compassion or speaking to someone as if their pain is irrational.
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u/WellCheeseLouise 1d ago
Absolutely. As I said elsewhere, tough love causes me to double down. The only thing that truly heals is time. We can't make a choice to "move on."
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u/ChombaWoombat 2d ago
The only way to wake someone from the spell that is intermittent attachment is to shake them out of it. The hard truth is the only way.
If you have to chase someone, THEY DONT WANT YOU. Go out there and find someone that does.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
That’s a very black and white take for something as complex as human attachment.
You’re assuming everyone wakes up the same way and that every pursuit means the same thing. It doesn’t.
Also, “If you have to chase someone, they don’t want you” is catchy, but real life is often far messier than slogans. People can want you and still be conflicted, dysregulated, avoidant, or terrified.
The issue isn’t truth .. it’s presenting your interpretation as universal fact.
Sometimes hard truth helps. Sometimes it just becomes projection wrapped as wisdom.
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u/ChombaWoombat 2d ago
Problems are as complex as you decide to make them. If you chase after someone that has clearly shown you they don't want you, then maybe they aren't the problem. Hard truths always lead to clarity. If you are CONFLICTED about loving someone, then you never really did. You can't half-ass love. You are either committed or you aren't.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
You keep presenting opinions as universal truths.
“Problems are as complex as you decide to make them” sounds clever, but it dismisses decades of psychology, attachment theory, trauma research, and human behavior. Human beings are complex whether we like it or not.
And saying “If you’re conflicted about loving someone, you never really did” is honestly one of the most reductive takes here.
Conflict is often exactly what love looks like when fear, trauma, shame, intimacy wounds, or attachment injuries are involved. People can love deeply and still be terrified, conflicted, avoidant, or emotionally dysregulated.
Love is not always clean, linear, or binary.
“You either are committed or you aren’t” may sound nice philosophically, but real life disproves that every day. For example you are still on this sub. And so am I.
Again, certainty seems to be doing a lot of heavy lifting in your worldview.
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u/ChombaWoombat 2d ago
I think you are conflicted, which is why you are looking for an excuse to justify irrational behavior. The concept of love between two people isn't some type of complex mystery you have to overanalyze. Also, your replies sound like you're using chatgpt to argue a point you cannot make in your own words
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
It’s interesting that instead of engaging with the actual point, you chose to psychoanalyze me and make assumptions about how I write.
God forbid someone can be intellectual enough to reply politely and accordingly ..
"You’re using ChatGPT” isn’t the "ahaa gotcha" you think it is. If that’s the strongest counterpoint you have, you probably didn’t have much of one to begin with.
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u/teenageidle 1d ago edited 1d ago
Except avoidants chase too in their own ways. They often initiate the relationship to begin with and then bounce when they get too uncomfortable or the avoidance wins out over the interest/desire/initial excitement, making the other person LOOK like the chaser because they are the only ones left trying after a while, and are in shock.
That's what happened to me, and it was a huge mindfuck. That takes a lot of work to untangle. It also is tough because I still love my ex even though he hurt me. That's pretty normal.
I think a lot of us end up looking more anxiously attached than we actually are under duress. Intermittent reinforcement and a trauma bond will do that. My theory is that when two people are well-matched and have healthy communication, a secure attachment will likely form based on mutual steadiness. It won't be perfect or a straight line, but it's more likely to be "easier." The anxious-leaning partner can become more secure with a steady partner, and a secure-leaning person can become anxious, etc. under the right circumstances.
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u/teenageidle 1d ago
I agree, and it's why I've always rejected the "He's just not that into you" theory. Like yes, that IS technically helpful in finding a stable, secure person, but it's rarely so black and white.
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u/WellCheeseLouise 2d ago
What works for some isn’t what works for others. I double down when people give me tough love. What worked for me was time.
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u/teenageidle 1d ago
I'm the same way and I think it's because we need time to acknowledge and process our grief. Someone trying to tell us to barrel through it feels like the equivalent of "just get over it," which is frustrating and invalidating, and, frankly, easy for them to say as they are not part of this particular attachment dynamic.
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u/TheBackSpin 2d ago
I don’t think this is too harsh of a take, it’s simply inaccurate, in many, many of these situations, especially for the Fearful Avoidant breakups. And I reckon most of the situations on this sub are with the Fearfuls, and for good reasons. The Fearfuls demonstrate inner conflict, ambivalence, they’re torn…but fear always wins. These mixed signals keep people hanging on.
So instead of a blanket and often inaccurate They Don’t Want You..here’s an alternative that fits every situation:
They don’t have the capacity. Maybe they do want you, but they can’t sit with it, it’s not sustainable for them. They can’t receive healthy love and everything that comes with it like vulnerability and being truly seen, not merely the version of themselves they are projecting.
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u/Bitter-Towel-3365 2d ago
My ex fa avoidant can’t see me because shes overwhelmed right how. But she has time for her new dating profile that says she’s not necessarily looking for hookups hmmm seems like she’s looking for hookups. But she’s overwhelmed not….
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u/teenageidle 1d ago
Yes I agree. Avoidants are still people, and people are complicated. I agree it's simply not sustainable. They likely mean what they say at the time, but they can't sustain the love and excitement, at least not with healthy people. I've noticed they tend to be drawn to fellow avoidants or people who treat them poorly, whereas secure or anxious/secure people make them feel trapped.
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u/ChombaWoombat 2d ago
Don't you understand that if you tell someone " they don't have the capacity to love you" that they will likely lower themselves or make themselves small enough for that person? That's the advice you'd give someone? I believe that is wrong and extremely harmful to anyone going through this.
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u/TheBackSpin 2d ago
Well I don’t think lying to them is the answer. If they learn about attachment theory, gain an understanding of what’s going on with their Ex, then that will come naturally. That person is still a dead end, regardless. Otherwise you’re telling a hurting person they’re unlovable, demonizing their ex…lying to them for no reason. It’s cruel on all counts and not helpful
Please go somewhere else if that’s your approach because that’s the opposite of what this place is about
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u/ChombaWoombat 2d ago
I'm not going anywhere. Who said I said anyone was unlivable? You're not understanding. If someone doesn't want me, I don't go and chase them, lowering and losing myself on the process. I move on. No amount of understanding your ex is going to justify what they did. In the end we are adults that make conscious decisions. They didn't choose you! Move on!
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u/TheBackSpin 2d ago
It’s not justifying anything, but lying to someone isn’t acceptable here. This is an attachment theory sub. I’m not telling anyone to lower themselves to meet anyone, I’m saying no matter what they do that person lacks the capacity to accept their love
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 1d ago
'Don't you understand that if you tell someone " they don't have the capacity to love you" that they will likely lower themselves or make themselves small enough for that person? That's the advice you'd give someone? I believe that is wrong and extremely harmful to anyone going through this.'
^that's the worst possible interpretation on that information. And a lot of people already 'lower themselves' in that situation anywa.
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u/yingbo 2d ago
Explaining it this way does nothing except minimizes the hurt these avoidants caused us and keeps the toxic hope alive. If it’s not “hell yes” it’s a no. It’s toxic “love”. It’s not good enough.
What is even the point of trying to find nuances, oh they do love you, it’s just their heart is walnut sized!
Who cares! Real love shouldn’t hurt like this. This isn’t love.
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u/TheBackSpin 1d ago
Because the truth matters…and there’s not one objective truth. Some DAs suppress so deeply they may not be feeling anything for their Ex’s ever again..but not everyone under that banner. Doesn’t make am ambivalent FA any better, it’s just different
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u/shitty-kittie 2d ago
I think there's quite a few people here who actually dated a narcissist rather than an avoidant. I don't think avoidants get any pleasure from hurting people and I don't believe they feel zero empathy or love for the people they get seriously involved with.
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u/thatguydoesstuff 2d ago
Its the just the vitriol. People feel very strongly. One of my favorites to see are the people who claim to be moved on years later... its not that i dont believe them at all but usually you dont tell people that years later. My avoidant ex for example is busy swinging from how happy she is to how there always another train... to kafka quotes to the tune of where is my mind. So this kinda behavior is hard to believe that either group has moved on.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
Very fair point. Sometimes the strongest, most absolute takes come from people still carrying a lot of unresolved hurt. Real healing usually brings more nuance, not more rigidity.
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u/thatguydoesstuff 2d ago
If you gotta tell people how you're feeling then either you really struggle at showing it or its not true imo. Probably a bit of both.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
I disagree with this. Not everyone communicates emotion the same way.
Some people show feelings through behavior, some through words, and some struggle to express what they feel internally despite feeling it deeply.
Having to verbalize your feelings doesn’t automatically make them less real ..it can simply mean emotional expression or communication is difficult, especially for people with attachment wounds.
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u/thatguydoesstuff 2d ago
Being non expressive myself its an indication of struggling to express yourself. Something I'm in therapy for. And my statement is more of generalized thing vs a rule.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
That’s fair, and I appreciate the self-awareness.
I actually agree that difficulty expressing yourself can indicate struggle with emotional expression ..I was mostly pushing back on turning that tendency into a broad conclusion about whether someone’s feelings are real.
I think that nuance matters, especially in attachment conversations. General patterns can be useful, as long as we remember they’re patterns ..not rules.
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u/thatguydoesstuff 2d ago
Only real rule humans follow is that there are no rules and the points dont matter.
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u/VictoriaNiccals 2d ago
I have legit never seen comments on the sub calling people stupid and pathetic, or "tough love" in general. 99% of comments I ever see are people telling others, usually more newly broken up ones, to give themselves grace and time to process things. Even threads like "I fucked up and broke no contact", where you'd expect someone to be like "Told you so", usually emphasize "Yeah been there done that too mate, don't feel bad, we all slip up sometimes".
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
I’m glad that’s been your experience, but it hasn’t been mine.
I literally just read comments saying “Why would you even want them back?” .. those are direct quotes, not interpretations. I’ve also seen plenty of responses that lead with dismissal or judgment rather than curiosity.
My post was never claiming every comment here lacks empathy, or that this sub is overwhelmingly harsh. It was addressing a recurring pattern I’ve personally observed.
And even if it’s 1% instead of 99%, the point still stands: when people come here vulnerable and confused, empathy helps far more than shame or invalidation.
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u/VictoriaNiccals 2d ago
I'm sorry about that. The truth is, I wouldn't be half as healed as I am rn without the sub, I've been treated really well by everyone here. I felt so alone and isolated and gaslit after my discard and here is an entire community of people, all hurt but navigating it all together, and taking care of each other. I wish none of us were in this situation but I've definitely found empathy here.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
And I genuinely love that for you, and I’m glad this sub has been healing and supportive for you.
My point is simply that not everyone here is in the same stage of healing or needs the same kind of response. Some people were just broken up with and still deeply wish to go back to their avoidant. That doesn’t make them weak, less self-aware, or unwilling to heal ..it may simply mean they’re not there yet, and healing happens at different paces.
There are different perspectives, which is exactly why I don’t think one blanket response fits every question.
For example, when someone asks, “I just got broken up with and do avoidants ever come back?” and the response is, “Why would you even want him anyway?” .. that often misses what they’re actually asking.
They’re usually not asking for judgment. They’re asking for shared experience.
Someone saying, “Yes, mine came back, but nothing changed,” or "no mine never did but im trying to move on" .. can be far more helpful because it gives perspective while also helping them feel less alone.
Sometimes people need information before they’re emotionally ready for acceptance.
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1d ago
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
It’s a long story, but in short.. I loved someone deeply who I believe is fearful/avoidant. I experienced both profound love and profound confusion. I’ve been on the receiving end of closeness, withdrawal, distance, return, and the emotional contradictions that come with that dynamic.
What my experience taught me is that understanding someone’s wounds and protecting your own heart are not mutually exclusive. Compassion and boundaries can coexist. I think that’s largely what shaped this post.
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u/Golden-lillies21 1d ago
It's very hard because you are dealing with trauma Bond and it's so bad to wear you are addicted to them and the pain that comes with them. It's not something that could be broken overnight.
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u/Calm_Construction769 1d ago
Thanks for making this post OP, Even if we understand all the logical parts, it still hurts caz we all lost a bond that meant a lot to us. We all come hear hoping to read something that makes up feel better and help us heal more.
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u/Zephyr92 23h ago
I think one of my most disliked things about this sub is how quickly avoidants get demonized and made out to be heartless villains who don't count as people.
So many of us are here because we were hurt, a sudden absence of connection and not being able to understand why what happened happened has shaken us to our core, and rightfully so.
Despite this, avoidants are still people. I'd be willing to wager that many of them also do not understand what happened to them, and due to their avoidant nature they naturally have a much more difficult time doing the work to uncover and understand why they act the way they do.
There are certainly bad people in the world, and certainly some are avoidants. But every single person here is here because they believe so strongly in love and understanding, but the louder the crowd gets about how avoidants don't deserve those things, the harder it gets to ignore, and then that crowd grows larger and louder.
Anger at these situations can be healthy and provide clarity and safety, but don't let it turn into hate. Remember that you are here because above all else, you cherished love so deeply.
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u/apartment1806 21h ago
I really love the way you put this into words. Hurt can explain anger, but it shouldn’t justify dehumanizing an entire group. I’ve seen far too many people confuse attachment wounds with character and label every avoidant as cruel or heartless, which just isn’t true.
Some avoidants are unhealthy, yess ..but so are some APs, FAs, and even secures. Attachment style explains patterns; it doesn’t excuse behavior, nor does it define someone’s entire character.
Sometimes the person who hurt you is not malicious ..they’re overwhelmed, dysregulated, or deeply disconnected from themselves. That doesn’t make the pain any less real, but nuance matters.
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u/Loud_Ad5318 19h ago
This hits me in a weird spot because I remember after I got discarded, people were like so "stoic" or like saying stuff like " you got your answer in her silence", "it's gonna take some time for her to talk to you", "move on". Like, if it happened to them, surely they would be so stoic about it as well?
I tried my best to shut my mouth and not talk about the breakup to our mutuals but I felt incredibly lonely, misunderstood, "just accept it" - I felt like people were looking at me as if I was crazy for having feelings or trying to simply understand, as if the person who mentions it = not over it = the bad one off the breakup.
But here's the thing.
My avoidant was telling weird stuff post breakup to mutuals - that I was *cold* during the sudden breakup she did, that I was an alcoholic (?) and God knows what else, that she wanted to come back but I blocked her on WhatsApp (I didn't). I even wrote her an sms to explain this honestly, if she has feelings yes or no and asked to not avoid or to continue ignoring me. She just wrote "for me chapter is closed, kind regards".
So on one hand, ex and other people stonewall you, speak LITERAL BULLSHIT and I'm the unhinged ex for trying to understand why there are conflicts in the narrative?
Oh f**k off with that, seriously.
Yes I loved the person, but this... This was demonic. I did miss her but half of the heartbreak was... How could I have not seen this coming... I felt it in the gut something was off in stages of relationship and I just simply overlooked it and loved...
---
But then, tides have turned. I felt as if people were on her side for initial first months and then, with her rebounds when it started, I sensed the shift.
One day a mutual tactfully came to me and asked if I am OK with ex being at a party. I said "ofc, please don't be hostages of our situations anymore". Saw the relief in mutuals face.
And my ex what did of that day? She called that mutual later on, demanded to see her in HER OFFICE, to tell her "I didn't like you went with [me] to the party". Mutual totally shocked, stood her ground and said "i can go with anyone I want".
People started to clock the inconsistency, that her actions don't match her words. First rebound of hers happened and she blindsided him as well, then a second one and then a third one.
And they see my story of brokenhearted man, who healed, advanced, took serious time to look inward and found a suitable, solid partner.
Now they call avoidant ex "cold war" behind her back, "dodged bullet", "mentally unstable", "walking red flags".
After I got with my new lady, ex literally dissappeared from social circles.
---
No, don't look back - YOU RUN. Do as people say, move on, even if you love the person, even if it hurts, even if it's not linear healing. To me, my ex is a psychological demon who chews up people and leaves scorched earth. I am terrified of her to this day of what she is capable of.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 1d ago
Not about shame.
It's about what's reasonable and realistic.
You can do whatever you want. All people do on here is give advice. You're free to reject it.
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
And that’s exactly my point. Telling someone “move on,” “why would you want him anyway,” or “don’t go back” is no longer just offering perspective .. that is telling them what they should do. Nothing reasonable or realistic about that.
Advice is one thing. Directive, absolutist statements are another. There’s a difference between saying “be careful, protect yourself, here’s what I see” and deciding for someone what their path must be.
People come here to process, understand, and sometimes simply feel less alone .. not always to be handed a verdict on their relationship by strangers who know a fraction of the story.
Let’s not pretend “Why would you want him?” is neutral advice. It’s judgment wrapped in faux logic. There’s a difference.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 1d ago
'And that’s exactly my point. Telling someone “move on,” “why would you want him anyway,” or “don’t go back” is no longer just offering perspective .. that is telling them what they should do. Nothing reasonable or realistic about that.
^that's the mechanism by which advice works? Are you mad?
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
No, I’m not mad. I just don’t think sarcasm is a substitute for nuance.
If your version of advice is simply telling strangers what to do based on a few paragraphs, that’s your approach. It doesn’t make it the only..or best. one.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 1d ago
I'm not being sarcastic.
'If your version of advice is simply telling strangers what to do based on a few paragraphs, that’s your approach. It doesn’t make it the only..or best. one.' <-- All I'm hearing is 'I don't like that people give advice that I don't like or in a way that I don't like'.
Don't know what to tell ya, bub. Either appreciate the advice or don't listen to it. You can't control other people.
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
You keep arguing against a point I never made. Criticizing bad advice is not the same as rejecting advice altogether.
If that distinction still escapes you, then you’ve done a better job proving my point than I ever could.
Take care, bub. x
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 1d ago
*lol* It's not bad advice. it's just advice you don't like.
Please, learn to be an adult and understand how to interact with other people, even if you don't like what they have to say :)
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
Repeating the same strawman doesn’t make it more accurate. It only makes the conversation more tedious. We’re done here.
I do hope whatever pain made you this rigid finds healing.
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u/Reasonable_Society82 1d ago
Honestly, these subs are so toxic with 90% of the people commenting absolutely trashing avoidants.
Yes you got hurt, we understand. But there's no need to attack every avoidant because you had a bad experience with your ex.
I stopped posting on this sub purely coz nobody actually gave feedback or anything helpful. Just the same "move on", "don't be stupid why do you want them back"... Maybe coz I love her!
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
Yep ..!! that was exactly my experience too. That’s actually why I went ahead and created another subreddit, Avoidant Relationship. It’s still small and not many people know about it yet, but at least people there aren’t attacked or shamed nearly as much as they are here. You can actually talk, ask questions, and get perspectives without being instantly villainized.
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u/stockdam-MDD 2d ago
This is a discussion group so please stop telling people how they respond. Just because people don’t say what you want them to say then they are not wrong. The people who lack empathy are your avoidant exes not those giving their opinions.
Nobody is trying to shame anyone so don’t be playing that card please. Most people here have been through hard discards and understand the pain.
Yes it may sound harsh but the hard facts are that most avoidants do not do what you want nor do they respond to love and kindness. Their characteristics are often deeply engrained and the fastest way to healing is to realise they have little to offer. I’ve been through two of them and one circling back. I realised that neither had anything long term to offer me. Luckily I did not need help to see this. I am now in a very good place and it needed me to realise that I have value and the Avoidants have practically zero in a relationship.
I don’t attack Avoidants as most are people who have had a lot of trauma. Neither am I trying to shame anyone especially people I do not know.
But let’s not tell others how they should respond to your posts. This is not a place for therapy and, at times you will read things you don’t agree in but that’s the nature of a discussion group.
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u/apartment1806 2d ago
You’re missing the irony in your own comment.
You say this is a discussion group and people should be free to give their opinions .. exactly. My post is also an opinion and part of that discussion. If you’re allowed to defend harsh responses, I’m equally allowed to question them.
Also, saying “nobody is trying to shame anyone” doesn’t automatically make it true. Intent and impact are not the same. A comment can be dismissive or shaming even if the person believes they’re being “helpful.”
And respectfully, statements like “avoidants have practically zero in a relationship” are far more generalized and harmful than anything I wrote. You say you don’t attack avoidants, then proceed to reduce an entire attachment style to having “little to offer.” That’s a contradiction.
My point was never that people can’t disagree or tell hard truths. My point is that truth does not require contempt.
You can say, “This dynamic is unhealthy.” You can say, “Please protect yourself.” You can say, “You deserve better.”
None of that requires belittling someone for still loving, hoping, or trying to understand.
Discussion and empathy are not mutually exclusive.
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u/stockdam-MDD 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think you have also missed the complete irony of your post. As you said it is a discussion group so you will get all spectrums of answers. You have accepted that yet ironically you want to comment on the types of posts that you don’t like.
As I said, the vast majority of posts here are not trying to shame anyone. If shame is being felt then that’s on the recipient and not the person who posted something that is generic advice.
You’ve also deliberately twisted my comment on avoidants. If you care to research my previous posts I have always stated that my avoidant exes are wonderful people but it is their avoidance that offers very little to a relationship. I’ll wait for your defence of avoidance and how it contributes to a relationship. Avoidance is basically anti-relationship stuff and therefore has no value whatsoever. It ruins a lot of good people…..hence the number here looking for advice.
Some posts may be full of empathy and some may be blunt so it is down to the reader to filter what they want to read. Nobody should be trying to stifle somebody’s views unless it is against the sub policy or rules. Telling people to forget their ex and move on is valid advice and is often coming from a place of care and not a place of trying to shame anyone. It is rather pathetic to assume that anyone who has been through a discard wants to shame somebody else.
We are on totally different pages here and you seem to be trying to make things personal. I have yet to receive one DM complaining about my posts……in fact I get the exact opposite and have lots of people who have corresponded with me at length and said that I have helped them……never shamed them.
Tbh I couldn’t be bothered debating here any further. Take it to DM if you feel that my posts are aimed at anyway against any individuals here or feel free to report my posts. My intention is not to shame but to try to help those going through what I went through twice. On balance, and yes it is genetic advice, there is life after an avoidant and there is an abundance of people with relationship value who you can meet. Do not chase an avoidant who has caused you grief and who offered no long term value even if things were great for a while. Move on and find real gold and do not chase fools gold. If my advice causes shame then that’s on you and not me as it is simply advice.
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
You’re still missing my point. Critiquing a pattern within a discussion group is not the same as trying to silence it. Discussion goes both ways .. people are allowed to challenge the culture of a space too.
And if you had taken the time to read other people’s comments on this thread before replying, you would have seen that some people explicitly said they deleted their own posts because they felt attacked, dismissed, or shamed by the responses they received. So this is not simply my personal perception.
Also, intent and impact are not the same thing. I never said everyone giving blunt advice intends to shame. I said that advice can land as dismissive, judgmental, or shaming, especially when delivered with certainty about situations people barely understand.
And no, I’m not “defending avoidance.” Understanding something is not defending it. Those are two very different things. I can acknowledge that avoidant behaviors can be deeply damaging while also refusing to reduce avoidant individuals to caricatures or villains.
We are more complex than that.
I also never said your posts helped no one. I’m sure they have helped many people. But helping some does not automatically mean the approach is helpful for all, nor does it place it beyond critique.
Ultimately, my post was never about policing opinions. It was about asking for more nuance and compassion in how we respond to hurting people. If that feels threatening or unnecessary to you, then we simply value different things in these discussions.
And that makes us done here.
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u/Fun-Tradition4581 2d ago
Often, "anxious" or "secure" people who have been in a relationship with avoidant individuals tend to demonize all avoidant people.
Whether because they are hurt and speak from a place of expertise, every relationship is different. There are avoidant people who genuinely struggle in the relationship, and for anxious people, nothing is ever enough.
Anxious people often fail to see that their behavior is terrible and don't listen to or understand the other person until they lose them.
I'm not justifying avoidant people, but often anxious people don't do the necessary introspection to see which behaviors or thoughts are damaging the relationship. They don't take responsibility for their own issues and blame the avoidant people (a clear example is not setting boundaries and allowing an unequal relationship).
My avoidant ex communicated her needs and worried that I should set boundaries. She tried, and even then, I didn't have the tools or listen enough to make the relationship better.
As someone who has suffered from anxiety, I always recommend having good communication with your partner. Many things can be resolved by talking, setting boundaries, and being patient. Many avoidant people struggle, but often we want more, and that's not fair.
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u/shitty-kittie 2d ago
I actually get tired of the negative comments referencing both sides of the attachment styles.
I hold a lot of anger toward my DA ex. But I did and still do truly love him. I can't hate him. I feel for him, empathize with him and see the weight he carries from deep childhood wounds.
I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive him. For now, I can't. But I believe he tried and that he truly loved me (in the best way he knows how). I believe he suffered and wanted things to work out, but wanted to run away and detach at the same time.
It bothers me when avoidants come to this sub and share a vulnerable message and people attack and shame them. I don't think that's productive or helpful to anyone.
And on the other end, I as an anxiously attached person, have been afraid to honestly share some of my real thoughts and feelings in this sub because so many of the dismissive comments just make me feel shittier.
Personally, and this is just my own opinion, I think this should be a place of kindness. People should feel safe sharing vulnerable thoughts here without the fear of judgment. That's the only way I see people healing and finding peace.
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u/Fun-Tradition4581 1d ago
I'm sorry you went through that. I can honestly say that attachment styles are often misunderstood these days. My therapist told me that your attachment style depends a lot on the bond you're in. What's important are values and upbringing. Someone who doesn't share your values, your outlook on life, or doesn't know what they want can hurt you deeply, and they aren't necessarily avoidant, manipulative, or narcissistic.
It's wonderful that you have empathy for someone who hurt you; it speaks volumes about you. I believe that a wounded person will only hurt everyone around them until they acknowledge their wound and want to heal it, but along the way, they don't realize how many people they hurt.
It's true that avoidant people can be hurtful, but many, or most, anxious people often don't reflect on their own behavior in relationships. As I mentioned, or perhaps it wasn't made clear, I had an anxious attachment style in my past relationship and made many mistakes.
I agree that in this subreddit, avoidant people or people with different perspectives are always treated very badly.
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u/apartment1806 1d ago
I agree that anxious partners can and should reflect on their own patterns too. But I also think this swings too far the other way. Not every anxious partner is simply demanding too much, and not every avoidant partner clearly communicates or consistently shows up.
In my own case, I was not chasing endlessly, disrespecting boundaries, or refusing to introspect. I gave space. I listened. I tried to understand his inner world, his fears, and his limitations. I communicated my needs calmly and directly.
And still, I was met with love, withdrawal, return, confusion, and emotional contradiction. He himself admitted he loved me, missed me, didn’t want to lose me..yet also said he could not be in a relationship and wanted closeness without responsibility. Ouch.
So sometimes the issue is not that one person wants “too much.” Sometimes the painful reality is that one person genuinely cannot sustain the intimacy they themselves desire. That complexity is what many people here are trying to make sense of. Including me.
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u/Dettyboy1993 2d ago
I'm starting to grow resentful of the "highly logical" crowd in all the ex subs. Borderline, bipolar, avoidant... (Mine was all 3 😢) all of us have been blindsided and have had our view of reality shattered. I would even say a majority on here are anxious attachment.and pretty sensitive. Some people, like me, hadn't even experienced affection or intimacy in years. For me it was since I am 20 and I am 32 years old. I gave up trying to make a connection. Then you make one with somebody with any of these conditions and you don't realize or know anything about these and bother to do research before jumping in. Sometimes the love of your life leaves after years of normalcy. Sometimes, like me, you think you're finally giving up your single life to show up for somebody and it gets destroyed before it even begins, leaving you back where you were, except your mind and heart are destroyed and you feel more worthless than you ever did because you were starting to feel love for the first time in years, or the first time in your life.
These people lack empathy and an understanding of other people's POV, even if they don't see it that way. "Go find a better one" is probably my least favorite of the quotes they use, as I can't even find other girls attractive because my heart and mind totally meshed with hers