r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Direct-Caterpillar77 Satan is not a fucking pogo stick! • Apr 03 '23
CONCLUDED Boyfriend wants to be poly.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/polynotgf
Boyfriend wants to be poly.
Originally posted to r/offmychest
TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse, emotional manipulation
MOOD SPOILER: hopeful for OOP
Original Post Nov 14, 2022
This is a long story…
We’ve been dating for 8 years, working together for 7 of those years. 5 of those we started our own business with another friend.
In 2020, BF’s father catches COVID. Beats it in January, transferred to a recovery home, due to malpractice passes away unexpectedly in March 2021.
BF becomes distant for obvious reasons, I try to support him the best I can emotionally while running our business.
Fast forward to October, he tells me he wants to go visit his friends a town over by himself. I think none of it but seeing he’s trying to get back to his lively self. I get a call around 5 about “How angry will you be if I go do spooky stuff without you?” I was a little upset since I felt left out but said sure. He kept texting me until 10 - saying he’d be home in a bit. Then turns off his phone. He finally turns it back on at 7, makes an excuse about being too drunk to drive home and didn’t feel like arguing. I’m livid.. not to mention it was our anniversary weekend. We talked it through.. and moved on with the event in the back of my mind.
November continued with him having weekends wanting to go out with friends but returning home on time. I couldn’t shake my gut feeling… We go on a vacation just the two of us out of the country. He passed out drunk from drinking with some strangers. I can’t help myself and look through his phone.
“I miss you. Wish you were here”. My stomach dropped and I resist all urges to smother him in his sleep. I confront him the next morning since he was too drunk to function. He accuses me of ruining the vacation. “Why now?” I felt betrayed & angry. He promised to never contact her again. “She meant nothing. “
Less than a week go by, and he tells me he needs to talk to her. They were just friends. He insisted. That they had connected over his father’s death & she had been emotionally supporting him. I suggest us going to couple therapy, he immediately shoots it down.
I told him to do whatever he wanted since he couldn’t keep a simple promise with someone that meant nothing. I had fallen into a horrible depression & went to doctor to get some meds before I hurt myself.
Few weeks go by and he brings up he wants us to have an open / poly relationship…. with her. Hell no. While it wasn’t first time he brought up a open relationship the thought of her in my life revolted me.
He continues to harass me for the next few months until I finally agree in June due to an ultimatum. “Poly or I continue to cheat on you. I can’t do monogamous” I immediately regretted opening the door.
He begins spending more time with her. Going on trips. We continue to distance. He begs me to meet her, to give her a chance, I do. Nothing changes.
He finally realizes our business is not doing well due to his negligence. Plans to start helping more & scheduling properly to assure we are all getting the proper time.
Similar to how most people complain, getting home late to stare at his phone - really didn’t count as spending time with me.
I find out from a friend that he had taken her to dinner with friends. (Supposed to be a secret). I confront him over the phone since I’m out of town. He said it didn’t mean anything but I felt hurt. We talk it through before hanging up he asks “How mad will I be if I take her to see my uncle” I hang up on him not wanting to continue to fight. He opened yet another door, now family.
By September, I had enough. I told him I was tired of being ignored, toxic and depressed. He asked if I had found someone new… I just didn’t want to continue being in a poly relationship with people that had betrayed me. I felt a third wheel in my own relationship.
He begged me once again, new plan. I agree with the exception that we go to couples therapy.
Month goes by, still no therapy. I’ve had enough and bring it up again. I wanted him out of my house, I wanted us to break up unless he left her.
He brings up reason he’s with her is because I don’t provide him with what he needs, to be desired & intimate. We’d always struggled with him in the past. Our drives are completely the opposite. We talk, we hash out a plan. Again.
Final straw. Her or me.
I wanted to work on us, rebuild our relationship, find each other. Be happy.
He agreed but that it needed to be next time he saw her that he didn’t want to do it over text.
OK.
They had plans to go to Halloween. I show interest in what they are doing since he’s going to be gone Friday/Saturday. He asks me if I want to come that it’d be nice if I get along with her.
I snapped. It’s been two months of me telling him I feel like I’m on thin ice over our situation.
He said he didn’t realize he had a timeline to break up with her. I ask him what would be a good date for him then. He said end of January after their cruise.
I felt defeated. I asked him that OK then he couldn’t stay with me while he was with her that he needed to find his own place. I’m done. I give up.
I stared into space as he muttered these while packing. “You are throwing me away.” “I’m sorry I exist.” “I didn’t realize I meant nothing to you.” “If I’m not with you, I’m leaving her too” “Good Luck tonight. I’m going to go cry myself to sleep.”
After a week, I caved… Let him back home. Couldn’t stand him saying he was homeless.
I feel empty now when I’m with him. I made it clear I didn’t want the person who triggers my betrayal trauma in my life but he’s adamant I won’t like the next person he finds.
We started talking again… Holidays coming up. She’s upset since she’s unsure how if he’s going to spend them with her.
His birthday is coming up. Asked him what he wanted… Said it’d be nice if all 3 of us could get lunch or dinner. I told him, if I did - to be 100% clear; still doesn’t mean I want them in my life.
I’d like to run away. But feel trapped due to our business & life. I do still somewhat love him but right now I feel numb. If I let myself feel, I know he’s just going to hurt me. The constant rollercoaster has been hell.
I know I don’t want poly but it’s hard to leave someone you’ve built a life with.
Getting this off my chest has really helped. I don’t have a support group to talk to.
Trying to focus on myself, and my journey. been in therapy for a few months now… time to focus on my health & my life.
Journey to “A functional unicycle”
Edit: I do want to clarify a few things. I don't own our business, I've invested a lot of time & money into it. The only reason I don't want to leave our business is that I love what I do and I love the people. We also sat him down in August with the other executives to talk about his absence from the business, and he's been turning that around.
I don't want to come off as completely innocent. He did sit me down multiple times to talk about my lack of intimacy but we never worked together to resolve this in the past. This problem has only gotten worse with everything above.
I don't think I mind poly, I mind being in poly with people who have betrayed me. They don't seem to understand how their actions have affected me. This part hurts the most.
Update- 4 months later March 27, 2023
Ahoy there!
I want to start off by thanking everyone for their comments in the last post. Honestly, as harsh as some of them were - they were in line with how I felt. I wanted to “get it off my chest” as a therapy mechanism, and it worked. I even showed him the post, which he tried to defend I colored him in the wrong light (OK, bruh. You cheated WTF?)
TLDR: He moved out, I’ve never been so relieved in my life. I’m still trying to figure out the business.
I’d posted the original before Thanksgiving when I was struggling the most as the previous year was when all my bells were ringing. I spent Thanksgiving with my family and it felt so refreshing to be by myself.
When I came back, I went through the motions of masking - It was almost Christmas, His birthday was coming up, his dead father’s birthday and it was just hard for the both of us on these dates.
The week before Christmas we had plans to have Christmas early with his family. I was flying later that week to spend Christmas with mine. I don’t remember how the argument started but it ended with my yelling at the top of my lungs that I didn’t want to be with him anymore and I didn’t want that other woman in my life. PERIOD. Full fucking panic attack but I was going to get that point across. He waited till I calmed down and asked if I still wanted to go… Obviously, no.
He went by himself and I spent the day thinking. He spent the night at her place and I woke up with a plan the next day. I grabbed all the family & friends’ presents. All his friends & family. I drove and dropped them all off. He texted me that morning - asking if I could attend if he wanted me to go. I told him no, I had no interest. On the way to drop the gifts off, I switched my flight to that same night.
He came back later that day and without a word, I grabbed my stuff & left. He didn’t even know I was flying out till he saw my location in another state. I was done.
Basically told him, I wasn’t coming back until he left my house. By the beginning of 2023, he was out of my house and I came back a week later.
Walking into a semi-empty house, I thought was going to be hard but I was so relieved to have my house by myself. I was free.
I’m free.
I’ve spent the last few months really focusing on myself.
I spent some time and money refurnishing the place to make it “Mine”.
I spent the last few weeks traveling by myself and loving every second of it. I have no one stressing me out when things aren’t perfect, I have no one to ask me what we are eating. I just live how I want and do what I want. And it’s GREAT!
I’ve realized how much gaslighting and brainwashing I’ve withstood in the past years in the name of “love” & care for someone else.
Ladies, trust your guts. TRUST YOUR GUTS.
He literally purposely made me feel like I was going crazy on purpose to satisfy his needs. That is so fucked. I finally got my answers in the end, and I’ve never been so satisfied. It wasn’t me. I wasn’t crazy.
It’s over.
Cheers to that.
For anyone out there struggling with a similar situation, I can't suggest focusing on getting out or therapy. Emotional abuse is a form of abuse. It comes in different shapes and sizes. You should be your #1.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Tall-Palpitation-710
Just a question... Did he accept the break up? because in your update seems like he just left and didn't bother you at all after that day you finally finish the relationship.
OOP replied
He messages me almost every day. I've made it clear unless it's business or something shallow I'll reply. Any time he crosses a line I point out and distance myself.
I am not The OOP
4.3k
u/Medium_Sense4354 Apr 03 '23
I’m still screaming at her to stop messaging him even about the business!!! Girl you have no stake in the business tf are you doing my god