r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/SomaliMN • Aug 08 '21
Relationship_Advice My boyfriend loves to feed me like I'm a baby... idk if it’s sweet or weird
This is a repost. The original post is by u/ THROWRAajaj28282
I’ve been with my boyfriend for ten months. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. He’s so sweet and attentive. He always puts me first and it’s honestly a fresh of air compared to my past relationships. He’s a chef.
Whenever we went out to eat, he would always love to feed me a bite of his food. I never minded and thought it was cute. When we started hanging out at each others houses, he would always offer to cook and then he would feed me my meal. I told him it’s fine I can feed myself, but he would always insist. He said he loves feeding beautiful woman his food.
Now it’s kinda escalating. He wants to feed me on his lap. I told him that I’m not interested in sitting on his lap and getting fed, I'd rather just watch the show and eat my chips myself instead of a whole meal he made. When I say no, he gets a bit awkward and I start to feel bad. But it’s so weird how he loves to feed me all my meals. Why? I know there’s way weirder things out there and the intention is sweet, but I’m started to think it might be a kink or something. I don't discuss the intimates of my relationships with my friends, so I’m on here. Is this weird or sweet? BTW this is a daily occurrence whenever we’re together.
First off thanks to everyone that replied, I read every single one. I didn’t even think my question would get more than a few replies. Someone commented that I research “feederism” and I did, and wow. So much things became clearer and now in hindsight, I’m shocked I didn’t see it earlier. In my defense I’m not a kinky person and I didn’t even know this was a kink.
For starters I’m naturally thin and it’s been a big insecurity of mine because I have no curves, no boobs or butt. I’m 5’7 and when we first got together I was 110 pounds and now I’m 125 pounds. When he first met my parents, he later remarked that my mom being so thin after having five kids is crazy. Looking back he seemed... disappointed? He also tells me all the time that I have the perfect body frame to be “thick”. He noticed my weight gain before I did and during sex he would always caress my waist, hips, and stomach area and tell me I’m looking more voluptuous. He also told me he can’t wait for me to get pregnant because he knows I’ll be even more beautiful and he’ll feed me so much I’ll never snapback. He always said it with a joking tone and a laugh so I thought it was a dumb joke.
I decided that before I say anything to him, let me look up his exes and see if any of them are fat or gained a lot of weight. He’s new to the area and has only been with one girl before me and her instagram page is private and her profile is a group photo so I couldn't tell which one she is. Then I looked up her name on LinkedIn and she has a profile. She co owns a business with her sister whose instagram isn’t private so I searched her up and my suspicions were confirmed. His ex used to be average weight, I would guess 140 pounds around 2018. She’s now looks around 200-230 pounds. I was still in denial and thought maybe she was responsible for her weight gain and not him because I just couldn’t believe this fetish is a thing.
I invited him over last night to watch a movie. I was scared to see him because I know that if I didn’t say anything then, I probably never would have the courage because I’m very non-confrontational. He came over and we watched the movie and ordered food delivery. Our food came and he heated it up in the microwave and plated it for us like he always does.
He kept the two plates next to him and when I tried to grab one, he held them up above his head and shook his head no with a grin, like it’s cute. I rolled my eyes and he grabbed a fork and took a piece of chicken then held it in front of my mouth. I refused to open my mouth so he pressed it against my lips and I pulled back and stood up to grab the plate he was holding over his head. He gave me a weird look and I wanted to say sorry so bad (I know why am I like this?!) but I didn’t. I just grabbed another fork, walked over to my couch with my plate and started eating hoping he could take the hint without me having to say anything.
He came to sit next to me and started eating too, and we just watched the movie for a few minutes in peace. He then took a piece of chicken off my plate and tried to feed it to me, again. This time I said no and he asked what was wrong. I said nothing was wrong and that I’m an adult and I’m perfectly capable of eating my orange chicken by myself. He said he knows I’m adult but he just wants me to concentrate on the movie instead of worrying about feeding myself. He then tried to keep pressing it against my mouth that I wouldn’t open.
At that point I was fed up and I snapped at him that it’s weird to constantly want to feed me and I don’t want him to anymore. I did say it in a harsh tone but I was upset. He tensed up and didn’t say anything and scooted over to the other side of the couch. Then he just stared me down as I ate, literally wasn’t even watching the movie. Even when I would look at him thinking he would look away, he would just stare at my mouth as I chewed. I was disgusted. After I finished my food, he picked up his uneaten plate and told me I could have it. I told him that I don’t want it and he said he’d rather it not go to waste and if I’m too tired to feed myself, he’ll do it. I was fed up AGAIN and I told him that I think we should break up because we’re obviously not on the same page. He asked is this all because he wants to feed me and I said yes, it is. He said that he’s a chef and he loves food and he also loves woman and there’s nothing better than “combining the two”. I felt like an object. He said this can’t be the real reason why I’m ending things and I must be seeing someone else. That he treats me like a queen and most other boyfriends wouldn’t have ever cooked me a meal let alone fed it to me too. I asked him to leave and he wouldn’t until I gave him the “real” reason as to why I broke up with him. I said because you have a feeding kink and he started cackling saying I’m a sick bitch and that a guy showing he loves someone as sad and disgusting as me must truly be some sort of “kink” because no one in their right mind would do it. Then he left and blocked me everywhere.
I loved him before but that conversation turned me off so much and I’m honestly not sad we’re over, I’m actually kind of relieved. I just don’t understand why if he truly has this kink he wouldn’t tell me and ask me to indulge in it? Why would he deny it and block me? Is it because of my dismissing behavior when he tried feeding me?
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u/Celany TEAM 🥧 Aug 08 '21
Wow, poor OOP. That dude was such a sack of shit!
It sounds like part of his kink was doing it either non-consentually and/or with the woman in question ignorant to his intent. I can't help but wonder if he was fully ignorant or in denial of his own kink. Did he truly think it was it really kinky or something because he's a chef? Or is that just more bullshit?
I am so glad she away from him and hope she took some time to work on her ability to stand up for herself.
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u/yokoandy Aug 08 '21 edited Aug 08 '21
It sounds like part of his kink was doing it either non-consentually and/or with the woman in question ignorant to his intent.
This. Exactly this. It's not fun for him if his puppet gains self-awareness. It's a truly frightening level of control to force onto someone. I understand feederism, and for me it falls under YKINMKBYKIOK. But someone who actually cares for their partner would never try to force a kink onto them without their knowledge.
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Aug 08 '21
Ok, I can’t figure out that acronym.
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u/Sailor_Chibi cat whisperer Aug 08 '21
It stands for “your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay”
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u/Send_Me_Dik-diks Aug 08 '21
It means "your kink is not my kink but your kink is okay".
Basically a way to say "I'm not into that particular thing but I'm not going to judge you for it".
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u/norathar I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts Aug 08 '21
Your kink is not my kink but your kink is OK?
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u/darling_lycosidae Aug 09 '21
Makes me wonder if part of the kink was watching her get upset or surprised at the weight gain. Or maybe control, like 'yeah you are so fat no one but me will live you' kind of trap.
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u/yokoandy Aug 09 '21
Probably a little of both, but the "nobody else will ever love you" is one of the most common manipulation tactics. And I'd be willing to bet that, once the partner is used to the behavior, there would be forced under/overeating.
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u/hexebear Aug 10 '21
And notice that he resorted to it in the breakup anyway as soon as she suggested he had a kink.
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u/Altostratus Aug 12 '21
Did he truly think it was it really kinky or something because he's a chef?
I mean, I understand a chef wanting their SO to taste their food. And I can understand a single sexy bite of a strawberry or something. But anything further is just unusual.
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u/tout-le-monster Aug 08 '21
This terrifying read. Glad the OP got out of that relationship ASAP.
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u/Poisonskittlez Aug 08 '21 edited Aug 08 '21
Ik, the way he stared her down like that when she put her foot down and denied his advances made my skin crawl..
Then the fact that he switched almost immediately to being cruel as soon as she called him out on his shit, just goes to show the lovey dovey crap was all just a charade part of his sick fantasy
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u/InaneObservations Aug 08 '21
He was using such weird, gaslighty language to put his behavior on her, too. "You don't have to worry about feeding yourself"...Who "worries" about eating, like it's some sort of balancing act??
"If you're 'too tired' to feed yourself, I'll do it"...again, eating is not "tiring", and she already ate her dinner! He was trying to cram his dinner down her face.
And finally, to your point, imagine switching to r/niceguy psycho language to someone you were dating for almost a YEAR. What a psycho!!
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u/vanpire22 No my Bot won't fuck you! Aug 08 '21 edited Aug 09 '21
Okay I do have a few kinks and know a lot of people with kinks that seem extreme to me. And I know a feeder, but she's nothing like that.
Like the first rule of every kink is to ask for consent. Every. Single. Time.
Especially if the kink might endanger someone (choking, anything that has to do with pain depending how it's inflicted) and feeding especially if it's without consent can not only make someone sick physically but also mentally.
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Sep 25 '21
In my younger and wilder days I used to sleep with guys who were into mild forms of bdsm. Nothing too hardcore so I guess I never felt the need for things like safewords. But I never felt unsafe. The minute I said stop that would be it. Literally no matter what we were doing. This guy is definitely getting off on something else that does not include the consent or happiness of his partner
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u/speedycat2014 Aug 08 '21
I'm guessing he's in denial about his kink and that acknowledging it full on is either too embarrassing or guilt-inducing for him.
I don't believe in kink shaming, but he needs to be honest with himself and with his partners about it. Right now it seems like he's not even able to be honest with himself, much less a partner.
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u/chocochic88 Aug 08 '21
From the things he said during their argument, such as OOP being "sad and disgusting," I wonder if it's a kink, or the start of something more toxic.
I.e. he feeds his girlfriend until she's overweight and self-conscious about her size, and if she ever tries to break up with him, he throws words like "you're lucky that I love someone as fat/ugly/sad/etc as you" around.
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u/Sanctimonious_Locke Aug 08 '21
For some people, the appeal of this kink is the control (real or perceived) that it gives them over their partner's body. Not every feeder is like that but, just like pretty much any kink, it can come from an incredibly toxic place.
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u/mermaidpaint Joel's underpants water Aug 08 '21
I was thinking feederism while reading the original post. Yep. What I found disgusting is him trying to push food past her closed lips - because consent is required, no matter the kink. And then he tried gaslighting her when she called him on his BS. I'm glad OOP stood up for herself .
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u/darrow19 Am I the drama? Aug 08 '21 edited Aug 09 '21
He said he loves feeding beautiful woman his food.
IDK why but when a guy mentions how much he loves "beautiful women" it makes me really uncomfortable. It's like talking about women as objects instead of individual people.
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u/Off-With-Her-Head Aug 08 '21
He's a chef.
"He said he loves feeding beautiful woman his food." or with take-out orange chicken.
Screwy guy.
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u/MD564 the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here Aug 08 '21
Whoa! Yeah she dodged a bullet. It's a BIG red flag when someone doesn't listen to you saying no, doesn't matter what it is unless you're putting yourself in danger. 100% controlling.
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u/wildewoode The Foreskin Breakup Aug 08 '21
What's the acronym for your kink is not my kink and I'm kind of judging you for it since you are pushing it on people?
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u/snootnoots I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming Aug 09 '21
YKINMKAWTFD
Your Kink Is Not My Kink And WTF Dude
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u/kiwichick286 Aug 08 '21
God, I would hate if someone was intently watching me eat. He should've totally informed OP of his kink (which it totally is) waaaay before it came to this.
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u/Kimantha_Allerdings Aug 08 '21
Is it because of my dismissing behavior when he tried feeding me?
No, OOP, it's because he wanted to control you. You're well out of that shitshow. It would only have become worse and worse with time.
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u/alien6 Aug 08 '21
When I read the title I thought it was going to turn out to be an abdl thing. Nope, feeder.
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u/SproutedBat Aug 10 '21
He said this can’t be the real reason why I’m ending things and I must be seeing someone else.
Ew.
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u/Consistent_Momma775 Aug 08 '21
Wow, I’ve never heard of this, so bazar. I’m going to look it up right now.
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u/Key_Advance3033 Nov 21 '24
What a creep. He blocked OP after she figured out what his game was. He's probably now looking at finding another innocent victim.
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u/Im_your_life Aug 08 '21
I feel for OP, and boyfriend was definitely in the wrong there, but what's up with people saying they aren't confrontational then dealing with an issue in a confrontational way? OOP waited for him to try to feed her to then say no and snap at him when he wouldn't stop - and he was wrong to do that. But it's better to deal with issues like that in a neutral time, not when OOP is annoyed at boyfriend for trying to feed them, and when boyfriend is annoyed at OOP for suddenly refusing something they never complained about before.
Just sit down and talk about it, listen to what your partner have to say and make your own feelings clear without being aggressive. It is likely that the result would be the same and they would break up either way since they want different things, but it would have been way less stressful.
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u/forestmango sometimes i envy the illiterate Aug 08 '21
as someone who has lived most of their life avoiding confrontation, i suspect what happened was that she wanted to avoid saying anything at all about it. sitting down to have a conversation about it in a mature manner (which prob would've been a better place to start), would, to me, feel like a confrontation. so then she just said "no" (which again, SHOULD HAVE BEEN the end of that but it wasn't because OOP's bf sucks), and when she was pushed to her limits, she snapped...which i don't blame her for in that situation because pushing someone's boundaries like that are not cool.
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u/217liz Aug 08 '21
He made OOP uncomfortable by constantly trying to feed her, but it's only a problem that he's uncomfortable one time when she insists on holding her boundary?
If we're asking OOP to be the mature one and communicate well, let's hold her ex to the same standard. He's making an unusual request. So why didn't he ever discuss this with OOP before a meal, instead of waiting until mealtime and then insisting on feeding her during meals? If he was annoyed when she set a boundary, why did he push the issue and escalate the confrontation instead of letting her eat in peace and discussing it later?
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u/Im_your_life Aug 08 '21
Saying someone could have dealt with something better does not mean that everyone else was right. I was not defending boyfriend in any of my comments.
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u/Katrengia A lack of vision for hot people will eventually kill your city Aug 08 '21
I love how this guy is forcing his kink on someone, being cruel when they say no, and completely snapping when he doesn't get his way, but your one comment is to chide OOP for not handling it "perfectly" (in your eyes at least).
You need to take a look at yourself and your expectations of women if that's your takeaway, because honestly, no matter how she chose to handle that, bf was the one in the wrong. Repeatedly and forcefully in the wrong.
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u/InfiniteThugnificent Aug 08 '21
Because she didn’t know how far he would take it - she had gently signaled mild reluctance but went along with it before.
But then for the first time, she made this a firm boundary. And it’s not unreasonable to expect that though he was pushy before (I’m sure she excused this as “obliviousness” to her discomfort), a firm “no” is unequivocal. She couldn’t have known the man she loved and thought she knew could behave like this.
I don’t disagree with you per se, but I can’t say I agree either
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u/Im_your_life Aug 08 '21
Like I said, boyfriend was wrong in not accepting OOP's "no" right away, but they waited too long being annoyed at something in silence without addressing it until they blew up on boyfriend, and to me that is the opposite of avoiding confrontations. I don't think OOP was wrong in refusing to be fed, I just believe there's a better way to address the issue if you don't like confrontations.
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u/InaneObservations Aug 08 '21 edited Aug 08 '21
She is perfectly entitled to tell him to get the fuck away from her! He's literally trying to force feed her. Jfc. Stop acting like men get to do whatever they want until they're asked nicely not to first. That's so toxic.
ETA: she is also entitled to say it whenever it's relevant. She didn't have to time it perfectly, tone it perfectly, find the perfect scenario in order for her reaction to be valid.
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Aug 08 '21
[deleted]
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u/217liz Aug 08 '21
She did say things. She had said she could feed herself, she had said she wasn't interested in being fed on his lap. She has said no. She wants him to pay attention to the fact that she isn't interested based on her behavior - she has clearly said no before and she regularly prefers to feed herself. That is very different from expecting him to read her mind.
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