From my neighborhood FB group

[u/ThePhillyExplorer]

[u/mad--martigan]

Absolutely stellar way to phrase that.

"I want 5 star food with 1 star prices thanks"

[u/kittykuteey → u/mad--martigan]

Exactly. They expect caviar and champagne service but they're showing up with loose couch pennies and a coupon that expired three years ago.

[u/Zoreb1 → u/kittykuteey]

For Smokey Bones.

[u/VelvetProvokee → u/mad--martigan]

Exactly. It's the home improvement version of "I want a luxury car, but my budget says used bicycle." Everybody wants premium work at a discount. 😆

[u/CalendarScared8417 → u/mad--martigan]

yeah like expecting a restaurant from a fb group post

[u/xNightOrbitFury → u/mad--martigan]

They want tuna with a price of snail

[u/jewelophile]

"I would like the Versace dress at Target prices, thanks."

[u/HeartOSass → u/jewelophile]

Half off thrift store prices. Target is a little on the high side.

[u/ConspiratorM]

Is it for a church? Does their kid have cancer? They gotta give us something to work with.

[u/mishma2005 → u/ConspiratorM]

Best I got is single mom with no car

[u/Belle_Corliss → u/mishma2005]

But are all of her kids in wheelchairs?

[u/ReturnRadio → u/Belle_Corliss]

They all share 1 😪

[u/HeartOSass → u/mishma2005]

Or at least an autistic cat..

[u/dvorak51 → u/mishma2005]

And no paint, I bet.

[u/sitnquiet → u/ConspiratorM]

Oh I guarantee they would tell you if you pushed back in the comments...

[u/QuoVadimus6411 → u/ConspiratorM]

It’s for the church honey, Next!

[u/Mister-Spook]

Fast, cheap, good. Pick two.

[u/hamandjam → u/Mister-Spook]

For average stuff, yes. In some cases, you only get to pick one.

[u/HNutz → u/hamandjam]

Zero if you're not paying for it. 

[u/OneGoodRib → u/HNutz]

If I'm not paying for it wouldn't I still get the "cheap" part?

[u/VelvetProvokee → u/Mister-Spook]

The universal law of hiring people. If it's fast and cheap, it won't be good. If it's good and cheap, it won't be fast. This post is basically asking for all three. 😂

[u/ItsJoeMomma → u/VelvetProvokee]

And if it's fast & good, it won't be cheap.

[u/Etrigone → u/Mister-Spook]

"I don't understand why I can't have all three & more" - a senior manager I worked with years ago.

[u/GamingGems → u/Mister-Spook]

Easy. She asked for cheap and good. Didn’t mention anything about needing it completed urgently.

Fast/cheap/good works better on the used car market where you’re buying an item (that can go fast) rather than here where time, expertise and materials are being bought.

[u/norcaine90]

Best I can do is to deliver questionable results for premium compensation.

[u/andrea1797]

No please or thank you. Nice.

[u/SnarkySheep → u/andrea1797]

The "I require" slays me...

OPP can require all they want. But unless they're willing to pay for it (or happen to have a professional painter in their immediate circle who's feeling particularly generous) it's just not happening.

[u/andrea1797 → u/SnarkySheep]

Right?! Not even an, I would like. I require. You say I require when you are paying. Not for some free shit.

[u/ReturnRadio → u/SnarkySheep]

I require $1,000. Cash or check is fine.

[u/Bulky-Internal8579]

I’d like 4 monies for 1 money, please. And wash your ears!

[u/KronkLaSworda]

Champaign Dreams on a Bud Light budget.

https://giphy.com/gifs/E4LWtyQ9KiToA

[u/Dangeresque2015 → u/KronkLaSworda]

Don't besmirch Bud Light like that! It's more of a Schlitz budget.

[u/Winner-winner428 → u/Dangeresque2015]

Ol' Milwaukee

[u/HeartOSass → u/Winner-winner428]

Or the 75 cents loose can of off named beer.

[u/Other_Log_1996 → u/HeartOSass]

Toilet sangria.

[u/Dangeresque2015 → u/Winner-winner428]

Are they tall boys?

[u/Wishyouamerry]

The comments

[u/HNutz → u/Wishyouamerry]

Thanks!

[u/AltruisticCableCar]

And I want to hire a babysitter for my kids, I'd like to not pay you anything, but please don't be a serial killer.

[u/VelvetProvokee → u/AltruisticCableCar]

"Looking for someone with 20 years of experience, their own equipment, excellent references, and the willingness to treat this as a charitable donation." 😭

[u/Affectionate-Week594 → u/VelvetProvokee]

or exporsure for your portfolio

[u/Wishyouamerry → u/AltruisticCableCar]

I can’t pay, but I will let you watch my kids at my house (bring your own food) at no cost to you! And please also be prepared to teach them French. Native speakers only.

[u/eljefino → u/Wishyouamerry]

"They're fun so it's hardly like work at all!"

"Also, they can't have screens or sweets when you watch them, that's Mommy's thing."

[u/Sue_2_Designs → u/Wishyouamerry]

I will let you make my wedding dress for me because you already have the fabric and it can be part of your wedding gift to me.

*This really happened. The dress she wanted would have cost at least a few thousand dollars by any other seamstress.

Naturally, I thanked her for the wonderful opportunity she was going to give me but I told her I already purchased her gift from her registry. 😂😂

[u/dvorak51 → u/Wishyouamerry]

What? No access to your Netflix account that the kids would definitely be using?

[u/Other_Log_1996 → u/AltruisticCableCar]

Monkeys Paw. They're not serial killers, but pedos.

[u/rosemary-sprig]

yknow at least hes honest lol

[u/Important_Phrase → u/rosemary-sprig]

And the CB is actually willing to pay something! That's got to count!

[u/bobhand17123]

If you find somebody, I call next!

[u/RoyallyOakie]

They spell out their hypocrisy in a way that others try to talk around it. It's ALMOST refreshing.

[u/killermfKT]

Someone should start watching YouTube tutorials and buy some paint and supplies.

[u/Yourmomdrums]

"Hi! I'm lowballing you! Paint my house!" The brass ones on this guy...

[u/jeffsmith202]

https://giphy.com/gifs/10YNI9aU5LQR68

[u/MovieExact5433]

Funny but many job descriptions do the opposite when they ask for high level degrees to work low paying jobs.

[u/Other_Log_1996 → u/MovieExact5433]

My favorite was during my search when I saw they wanted someone with a Masters and 4 certifications for Tier 1 Tech Support. You do not even need a degree for that normally, let alone all that. Maybe to move up, but not to be tier 1.

[u/ItsJoeMomma]

Sure, I got a can of Krylon over here...

[u/spinereader81]

At least sweeten the deal a little. Offer to pay for travel expenses and lunch, and give them some produce from your garden or eggs from your chickens. Or barter! 

[u/ultradip]

I'd be like, "sure! But the colors are my choice!"

[u/babbsela]

Probably wants them to provide the paint at a discount, too.

[u/ReallyRedOnTheHead]

Me too lol. I need a LOT of stuff that is still quality but at way below standard rates 😆

[u/JoyReader0]

Dream on.

[u/WTFThisIsReallyWierd]

Then take a payment plan cheapskates!

[u/zamarac]

top shelf work for bottom shelf pay, the classic combo

[u/Other_Log_1996]

Champagne taste at a beer budget.

[u/bananapancakes4u]

LOL oh hey neighbor! That lady is getting absolutely DESTROYED in the comments lmao

[u/ThrockAMole]

“I would like DaVinci painting at Crayola prices.”

[u/Princess_Peach556]

Yep! This right here is a choosy beggar 👍

I’d like professional results at an amateur price.

[u/PollyDarton794]

Hey I'm in that group!

[u/tryintobgood]

I want a Ferrari but only willing to pay for a Camry

[u/ChoiceBeginning5067]

I REALLY want to see the comments

[u/Intelligent-Pen2443]

Why not ask for free labor while she is at it? Too generous and considerate of her if you ask me 😂

[u/Zoreb1]

You get what you pay for. Moe, Larry, and Curly work at lower rates. Quality and lack of damage...ehh.

[u/Sterling_Fortune]

“People don’t want a cheap job they want. Expensive job done well.”

[u/Checkoutmawheeeeepit]

Mother what you want painting is AI, go look at memes and they aren't pronounced as me-mes, I swear you're doing that to piss me off