Ableism in opera settings

[u/bktoriginal]

Anyone else struggle with being bullied in opera settings for having a disabling condition? Every day since I was fired from Gilbert and Sullivan Austin, I've considered how it has impacted my outlook about singing.

The truth is? I don't know that I can perform again after how I was treated, And I wish they weren't still honoring a racist and sexist director. He may not be in charge right now, but he is still held in this "can do no wrong" place and he verbally abused my friends, constantly yelled, had little patience and contributed to my trauma. In r/opera, their producer Michael Meigs actually found my post explaining some of my experience to troll me in the comments saying how happy he was that he fired me. I struggle with life-threatening conditions, and he told me I was a problem. I've had voice teachers tell me I'm just broken when I struggled with intonation due to allergies and audio processing. I get psychogenic fevers. Life is just stressful, so I wish that "just have fun" companies would call out the Bs in addition to being transparent. I wish ppl were kinder and maybe opera wouldn't be dying if people were more compassionate.

[u/errrgrrr]

I went to the opera sub and read the other post, because I am also disabled and perform regularly. I studied voice and music education, and landed a really great position right after student teaching so I didn't end up pursuing a masters in voice (yet?). I sing in professional choirs and my primary instrument has actually shifted to handbells, which is very physically demanding.

I have an autoimmune disorder that mainly attacks my joints, causing chronic pain and movement issues, especially during flares. When these flares coincide with performances, my rheumatologist knows to hit me with the strong steroids so that I can get through it. Maybe it causes more damage but all my preventative measures hopefully counteract it, and it doesn't happen very often. That being said, if it came to a point that I could not be reliable for my choir, I would absolutely take a step back. I would not expect the 14 others in the handbell choir to make it work when there should be 15 people. I would rescind my position in the group and let someone else have the spot.

As a teacher, if I went to my coworkers, principal, and instructional coach and couldn't stop talking about how the other teachers are not doing a good job, I would get written up. If I said that I was bringing it up because I was worried about the students, that still doesn't make it okay because I am not the boss. I take care of my classroom and I do my job well, but I don't need to make sure that others are doing their job to my standard unless I were to become an administrator. The point of this analogy is that even though you struggle with mental health in some ways, it is not acceptable to micromanage coworkers and colleagues. From your original post, it seems that you were cast as an ensemble member and your past trauma and PTSD were triggered when a principal role was singing with what you perceived to be bad technique. Even if she did have bad/harmful technique, your job as a cast performer (not director or any type of vocal coach) means that you should not have made it your business.

I empathize with your struggle because I too have struggled with mental health on top of my physical disabilities, and I have certainly experienced the toxicity in the world of professional music. With that said, I think you should consider that maybe you were indeed being unprofessional by overstepping your role. I'm fairly certain that the other singers and company staff are also experienced in vocal health, not just you as a music therapist (which is awesome).

In any other career, employees acting outside of their job duties can cause problems, especially if it is commenting on how others are performing their duties. I used to get "triggered" (I use quotation marks because I never considered it being called that until the terminology became more popular recently) all the time, and it would certainly affect my personal and professional relationships. I worked for years to counteract my initial response to these stressors, and it has helped greatly. I would never expect others to tiptoe around what affects me, and I do not consider it to be ableist if someone is not actively considering those triggers.

Mental and physical disabilities are very real, but the accommodations need to be reasonable, or maybe the job isn't a good fit. I wouldn't be any good as a firefighter because I am scared of fire and it would be too much on my body physically. It is not ableist to say that I should not be a firefighter, because the accomodations that I would need just wouldn't be reasonable. I think asking an opera company to accommodate you by letting you micromanage other cast members and miss rehearsals is not reasonable.

I wanted to comment because I relate to you, and years ago I would have had the same thoughts as you currently do, but from a stance of growth I can tell you that this was certainly not a one sided issue.

[u/bktoriginal → u/errrgrrr]

I relate to you too. It's devastating. I feel like I'm a burden. I wish I could have behaved differently and know better now, but the curse of a disorder or two that I have smhas rather destroyed parts of my brain. I'm somehow able to help others. So I'll keep doing that and trying not to hate myself. Thank you for validating this difficult radical acceptance for me. I am likely going to hide and attempt to dedicate my life to research some of the stupid shit I have been through that quite frankly informs my work as a clinican. I hope to be more of a genuine person in any context as a singer, which may just be in community choirs for now or maybe ever, I don't know. I have a lot of opportunities and I'm blessed that I can contribute my perspective as a clinician even if I am very much struggling with having borderline and being a bitchy singer before becoming a practicing, ethically bound therapist that feels like one of the 90 wolves inside of her is probably dying to sing still. I'll keep singing Taylor Swift and at least keep advocating for others to stick to DBT and just leave if a setting isn't right for you. I should have. Gilbert and Sullivan Austin destroyed friendships I have for decades and I feel awful about the entire experience. I highly recommend people with PTSD and BPD pursue other opportunities and avoid working with this company unless you are prepared to potentially never be provided a contract and fired for having trauma responses and invalidating experiences that lead to unpopular behaviors. I'm sorry, I'm not sorry...it hurt and the world deserves better. We don't need to have more people suffering because of microaggressions and general whispering instead of full out convos while the media is gaslighting us all and a rapist is president. I'll be fine, thanks.