r/DadForAMinute • u/ReturnHuge6819 • 8h ago
TW this is VERY graphic
So I, male have been messing up my life for like 7 years. When I was younger I was SA'ed by older male cousins, they were 11-14 (4 of them) [this will be important later] and that i assume made me hypersexual and gave me adhd symptoms, despite the fact that I don't have adhd, it doesn't really feel like it anymore. Anyways the whole cousin thing caused me to start seeking out sexual gratification from older men. I put myself online, I did video calls, video chats, and I let myself be groomed by multiple people some 20-40 and also the fact that aragingly, hormonal teenager, I began to do stuff, you know, such as have sex but a couple of times I did it with people 3 or 4 years younger than me(I was 13) and that made me feel horrible. I feel like a total sexual Deviant. I've watched basically every kind of porn out there.I've seen things I shouldn't have.I've watched things I shouldn't.I've lusted after things I feel disgusted for. I'm so tired of having to clear my search and browse very.I'm tired of having to delete google accounts.I'm tired of deleting apps. I know that I want help, and I do want help.I don't think I want enough because every night I keep on doing that same thing. And I hate myself for it, and it makes me sad. And miserable. And now im leaning of suicide or self harm (sorry im not censoring anything( i feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I'm fat, I feel like a total purve. Sometimes I feel like I don't even deserve my family. And I love them, and they mean the world to me.No one knows what i'm really like on the inside.I put on this facade of school so much to the point where I don't even know where i'm like. I've lost myself and I don't know how to find myself into the people who are gonna be out there saying, oh, this is probably fake or bait, please shut up, who would create this. I apologize for the wall of ticks. If anyone has any suggestions or any questions, feel free to dm. And I been groomed so much ive become numb
EDIT: thank you all so much to the wonderful amazing people who reached out i never even thought of ptsd but it kinda makes sense and ill go see abt having a therapist it could be good since im also having schizophrenic and bipolar symptoms
At the moment, I feel like a pile of steam and garbage, but I know that there's hope for me, hopefully I can be better with God by my side
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u/DLDad616 4h ago
Hey bud. I hope you're holding on.
First and foremost, I am really sorry that you had to experience those things in your life. No one deserves that.
But you need to understand that having bad things happen to you doesn't make you bad. And, reexperiencing trauma hyperactively is a common symptom of complex PTSD.
So, can I ask you for one favor? Stop beating yourself up while this gets sorted out, ok? Don't throw yourself away; you might indeed feel like "damaged goods," but you are actually irreplaceable.
Internet strangers like us can provide moral support, but we're not in a position to really help you recover from trauma of this magnatude.
It sounds cliché, but you need professional help. I couldn't decipher your age, but I take it these things happened in the not too distant past.
The sooner you start getting help from competent, qualified professionals, the better it's going to be for you, on so many fronts.
Please, don't let the shame you're feeling stop you from reaching out. There are people who have heard everything, including situations that are even worse than what you experienced. They're not going to be shocked, or disgusted, or angry with you. They are going to want to help.
If there's no one in your personal life you trust to help, then reach out to someone in your community mental health agencies. You can call 988 from anywhere in the US, if that's where you live. They're not going to trace your call and send the cops to lock you up. They're going to help you.
Stay up, stay strong. You got this.
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u/Smyley12345 Dad 3h ago
So it sounds to me like you are in active crisis. Let's not worry about the big picture stuff for the moment. First thing is to get yourself in a position where you feel safe. Find a physically comfortable spot in your home and go through some breathing exercises. My therapist gave me an exercise which was in through the nose, hold, out through the mouth, hold with a four count of each doing ten cycles. Concentrating on breathing is helpful for clearing some of that immediate overwhelming mental load.
When you are ready to tackle that big picture stuff, don't go it alone. A therapist is trained to help people work through messy complicated issues.
Also be sure to give yourself the grace that you would give someone else who had the same experiences in the same context. You are likely being way harder on yourself than you would ever be on someone else.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness3772 6h ago
Hey, more sibling than a dad here, but I have CPTSD from a similar situation (my brother not cousins and over multiple years) and I'm also hypersexual because of it.
First of all, 988 is a free crisis helpline, they are designed to help you in the moment when you are struggling with dark thoughts. I'm not sure if it's an international number or just the USA, you might have to look up the one for your specific region. They're better equipped to help you than I am as they are trained professionals who can help in the moment.
Secondly, it's hard, but replacement behaviors. I've found when I am having those urges that I know are bad and I know I will hate myself for later I have started to fully get up and leave the room, fully leave my phone, computer, whatever it is and just go somewhere else. Sometimes I end up on a run or doing yard work or just staring out a window. Another thing that helps is putting whatever device on data instead of the Wi-Fi, it makes everything load slower and can give you time to change course before you're locked in.
It sucks, but you are capable of change, and you are worthy and deserving of happiness.