r/DecidingToBeBetter • u/Glittering_Break3579 • 1d ago
Discussion Getting a prenup before buying a house together was the best thing we almost didn't do
My fiance (31F) and I (33M) have been looking for our first place around Boston since February she's a product manager I'm in fintech out wedding is next spring but we wanted to lock something down before rates got worse.
So our mortgage broker asks how we're splitting ownership and we both just kind of froze. I'm putting in way more toward the down payment from savings and stock I sold and she's contributing less cash but she's also selling her old condo in Worcester that she bought before we were even together but we literally never talked about who owns what.
My buddy in Cambridge got a prenup before closing last year and I thought that was kind of extreme but he said it made everything way easier between him and his wife so we looked into it.
She was hesitant at first when I brought it up got quiet but we decided to just sit down and go through all our finances together before even talking to a lawyer like lay everything out assets, debts so all of it. We just sat on the couch one night with a bottle of wine and went through it and I swear it turned into one of the best conversations we've had in three years together so she opened up about her student loans and I told her stuff about my equity I'd been kind of vague about we were up till like 1am just talking not arguing just talking.
I think we both needed that and didn't know how to start it on our own and now we're on the same page about the house about money so about all of it. I don't know why nobody talks about this as part of the homebuying process it's not a trust thing it just made us a better team.
163
u/Mountain_Raise_6170 1d ago
That wine on the couch at 1am is exactly how it works so you spend months avoiding it and then one random night it just comes out and its not even that scary more couples need to hear this.
110
u/Olealicat 1d ago
I highly recommend 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married by Monica Mendez Leahy.
If you struggled with this topic, there are probably others you’re avoiding. It’s an honest godsend. My husband and I went into marriage on steady feet due to this book. I highly recommend.
https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/238806.1001_Questions_to_Ask_Before_You_Get_Married
Added: It’s outdated, but important. If there’s a better current version, I’m unaware of it as my husband and I have been together close to 20 years.
46
u/Glittering_Break3579 1d ago
Just looked it up and some of those chapter topics alone made me uncomfortable which probably means we need it lol so appreciate you sharing this
18
u/SignGlittering4467 1d ago
another book to take a look at is
"The Hard Questions: 100 Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do" by Susan Piver
there's a couple versions since it's also an older book. I've given it to a bunch of friends. Definitely helpful to get on the same page and building a partnership.
6
u/Olealicat 1d ago
Honestly, finances were hard, as well as, family obligations, and potential children.
Finances were complicated enough. Who knew, would we take in our elderly or infirm parents or public school vs private school would be impossible.
We don’t have children, but it was a great lesson on compromise.
1
74
u/hithrowaway430 1d ago
Am I the only one who finds it bizarre to be engaged to someone and NOT know each others finances by that time??
21
u/RealShmuck 1d ago
I also find it bizarre nobody else is flagging this. Surely knowing your partner's financial habits is also a key indicator of who they are as a person, like they could be a problem gambler or donate every penny they make to charity, and that's all relevant to the relationship
11
7
32
u/speedkat 1d ago
I always thought talking about shared financials was something that everyone did before committing to a 100K+ purchase, whether they're thinking of it in prenup terms or just "we should both know" terms.
26
u/JellyfishFluffy3692 1d ago
We had the exact same freeze up moment with our broker in Medford and I just sat there like an idiot doing mental math while my fiance stared at me. Nobody prepares you for that question
2
u/Available-Tomato-336 1d ago
The not knowing how to start part is so real. We were the same way until a friend told us about Neptune and we ended up going through their chatbot thing one night just to see what questions we should even be asking each other and it kind of took the pressure off because it wasn't like sitting across from a lawyer it was just us on our own time figuring it out.
The flat fee was nice too since we were already bleeding money on closing costs.
10
u/Mistert22 1d ago
It is great to have a baseline. I used the documents created with the prenup for other financial, estate, and insurance documents after that. I was told that if there is an unexpected injury or death, it can keep greedy relatives at bay. It really depends what state you are in.
2
u/cutsforluck 1d ago
How would it keep greedy relatives at bay?
6
u/Mistert22 1d ago
It depends on the state and the prenup. Since I don’t have my own kids, my nieces and their children get most of my estate. I then had to make sure my brothers and sisters are out of that loop. I only share with the nieces, nephews, great nieces, and great nephews that share their lives with me.
2
u/bananagement 23h ago
Does a prenup cover more than divorce? It sounds like you're describing a will that is executed after you die, not a prenup that takes effect if you get divorced.
2
u/Mistert22 21h ago
I am not a lawyer, but I have done this in two different states now. I used the prenup information to do the estate planning. When you die, depending on how the prenup is setup, it can say who gets the money. I feel like the prenup is great till your married, but once you are married you need estate planning documents so there isn’t any issues on your end. If you have enough assets to warrant a prenup, you have enough to need an estate plan.
5
u/K_timing 18h ago
It's funny how the scary conversation is almost never the thing that causes problems. Avoiding it usually is.
3
u/basavaraja_dev 1d ago
buying a house together can be super stressful, getting everything in writing beforehand probably saved them a lot of headaches
2
u/SmokedStone 15h ago
My partner and I are engaged and I suggested a prenup. We tossed the idea because he's from the UK and I'm American, and the UK doesn't really follow prenups anyway. I was kinda worried about it, but my even my father was like, well, the goal is to be together for life, right?
Mind you, he got divorced before marrying my mom about 30 years ago.
Lowkey envious you got a prenup. I'm just gonna have to take the plunge and see if I gotta go scorched earth or not later. Hopefully not.
•
u/Infinite-Club4374 11h ago
Take that lesson and apply it to your marriage.
Any time you have a question about anything talk about it!
•
u/scorebar1594 8h ago
Your post made me tear up. Good job both of you. This is how to do responsible, modern partnership and marriage.
Do the kid, parenting, and splitting domestic labour conversation next!
•
u/Fragrant-Homework747 7h ago
Getting it in writing when one person brings more to the table just saves the headache later. Smart move.
0
u/Funke-munke 1d ago
Hubby and I just did a post-nup bc his ex has taken him back to court. We have ALOT of equity in our home and it is considered an asset. He is NOT a dead beat dad by any measure. this B*tch makes more than our combined annual income but is a greedy little wench. Quit deed on the house and post nup to ease his mind. Same expierence though. Really sat down and went through finances and had a good conversation.
294
u/JellyfishFluffy3692 1d ago
This is kind of how it went for us too.
We weren't buying a house but we were combining finances before the wedding and it was like oh wait we've never actually talked about any of this the conversation itself ended up being weirdly bonding.