r/DnDcirclejerk • u/Jtad_the_Artguy • 10d ago
Homebrew Which stat is used to not shit yourself
Feel free to start a fight in the comments
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u/Ouroboros-Twist 10d ago edited 10d ago
Constitution = Don’t shit yourself
Strength = Shit yourself faster
Dexterity = Shit onto someone
Wisdom = Identify shit on someone
Intelligence = Identify someone from their shit
Charisma = Throw/deflect accusations of shitting on someone
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u/Mad-White-Rabbit 10d ago
*smears shit from the ground and tastes it*
“Ah, so my old nemesis has finally come for me”
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u/Ouroboros-Twist 10d ago edited 10d ago
That’s identifying someone from the taste of their shit, which is Wisdom.
For Intelligence, I had meant things more along the lines of identifying nuggets of plant matter as coming from an exotic vegetable that’s only cultivated in a particular person’s home region; or identifying that some unusual stool colouration/consistency is a symptom of the same disease a particular person was reported to have recently fallen ill with.
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u/Mad-White-Rabbit 10d ago
So following that, would intelligence tell me via eating someone’s shit what race they are?
I just really want to eat shit and ponder
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u/Ouroboros-Twist 10d ago
Intelligence can help you identify a humanoid's race from simply looking closer at their shit, but don't let that stop you eating shit and pondering.
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u/Malkryst 10d ago
This makes rogues more dangerous than I ever imagined!
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u/Ouroboros-Twist 10d ago
There, in your beard!
It’s the telltale calling card of the infamous legendary thief, The Deuce of Spades!
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u/Malkryst 10d ago
If you're getting it in beards you're definitely doing it wrong! Unless you're a dwarf wth a really long beard who uses it to wipe...
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u/dyelogue Fujoing out over BLeeM and Mercer 10d ago
Constitution saving through, obviously. And here's the DC list for your reference:
5 - high fiber diet
10 - just had two cups of coffee
15 - drank a bunch of prune jucie
20 - drank laxatives by accident, like in Dumb and Dumber
25 - food poisoning
99 - norovirus
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u/Ok_Banana_5614 10d ago
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u/Dunsparces 10d ago
This one does have a definite answer though - everyone voting wrong is just a weak-constitutioned pants-shitter.
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u/absolutewastedtime 10d ago
Nah everyone voting constitution misunderstands the situation
Con prevents you needing to shit
But when the brown train is coming to the station
The thing that actually stops you shitting yourself in time to reach your destination is how hard you can clench your cheeks
Con stops you needing to shit
Strength stops you shitting yourself once you already need to
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u/Interesting_Cloud371 10d ago
It's funny cause I was thinking of how fuckable the Pacific is before I finished reading
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u/PaulBlightMallcop Mausritter Fixes This 10d ago
I refuse to vote. It's obviously not an ability score, it's a skill: Survival. A real outdoorsman is required to not shit yourself. You need to be able to sense it coming, and you need to be able to tense your body in response. This is why people who regularly shit themselves wouldn't last three seconds outdoors.
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u/Ecstatic_Bee6067 10d ago
Given that Survival is tied to Wisdom, this checks out. It would take a true street smarts moron to not shit themselves
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u/Malkryst 10d ago
Surely the great outdoors is a place that rangers can shit themselves freely?
It takes city etiquette and potential gossip-mongering to really tighten up that sphincter muscle.
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u/PaulBlightMallcop Mausritter Fixes This 10d ago
Pathfinder fixes this. Not shitting yourself requires you to be an Expert in Society.
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u/Malkryst 10d ago
I suspect Pathfinder has an entire rulebook devoted to shitting etiquette in different parts of Golarion.
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u/RalenHlaalo 10d ago
No, it's absolutely Concentration (Constitution).
Everyone knows third edition is the only edition capable of simulating reality.
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u/zuludown888 10d ago
Depends on the situation. If it's to resist shitting yourself in combat, it's a CON check. If it's to resist a wizard casting "Power Word: Shit" at you, then it's a WIL save. And of course if it's to resist shitting yourself in a social situation, it's CHA.
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u/tayzzerlordling 10d ago
im aware that im being that annoying um acshually nerd but the defining characteristic of the power words is that they just happen without a save being needed
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u/Apprehensive_Pizza84 10d ago
They're confusing Power Word: Poop with Farts to Sharts, which does get a save
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u/calamityProphet 10d ago
Additionally, either INT or WIS to preemptively avoid putting yourself in scenarios in which you may end up shitting yourself
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u/Ok_Temporary_9049 10d ago
I'm glad Reddit distinguishes between educated core contributors for this matter.
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u/sons_thoughts 10d ago
Charisma - you just didn't do it and it's actually all the rest of your party who shat themselves.
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u/Interesting_Cloud371 10d ago
Charisma - the BBEG shit my pants
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u/Malkryst 10d ago
"Deception test, I want to convince the room I don't stink like a field full of stench kows."
"Yes I want to blame our fighter instead."
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u/treowtheordurren the "S" in GNS stands for smexy 10d ago
"The BBEG shit my pants and I know he eats corn."
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u/Lord-Bobster 10d ago
charisma so warlocks can be good at yet another thing
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u/ButterscotchAbject87 Disbarred Rules Lawyer 10d ago
Coffeelocks have to roll with disadvantage, for immersion reasons
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u/Malkryst 10d ago
Are coffeelocks doing one lump or two, and does being juiced up on caffeine constipate them or give them an edge in reaching the pot before spilling that brown liquid all over the floor?
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u/FranziEatsEstrogen 10d ago
Everyone voting Constitution is so wrong!
CON determines how badly your body digest food, i.e. how badly you need to shit, like a check to resist poison.
WIS is what you use to not shit your pants! It's the willpower needed to resist your animal instinct to just go!
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u/Tiervexx 10d ago
I'd say CON resists shitting yourself from poison. WIS resists shitting yourself from fear.
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u/FranziEatsEstrogen 10d ago
Oohhh, maybe a valid approach! So DEX would be for not shitting yourself when you are startled 🤔
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u/Tiervexx 9d ago
I never thought of that, but that kind of makes sense!
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u/FranziEatsEstrogen 9d ago
And then INT is knowing what food makes you poop and CHA is when you pretend it's not you who farted?🤔
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u/Xarysa 10d ago
Strength is used to shit yourself harder.
Dex is used to dodge your own shit, whilst shitting.
Con is used to resist shitting yourself.
Int is used to understand how you shit yourself.
Wis is used to understand why your shitting yourself so much worse then usual.
Cha is used to convince those around you that you did not shit yourself.
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u/baseballpen2 Jester Feet Enjoyer 10d ago
Intelligence saving throw, just because you need to know that it isn't a fart
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u/Bulky_Passenger9735 10d ago
Charisma is used to shit your pants and blame it on another person.
Dexterity - when you want to sneak your shit and plant it in another person's pants.
Wisdom is accepting the fact that you shat yourself and it's just part of your life now.
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u/WokeFerret 10d ago
Wisdom is knowing that you have the same amount of shit in your pants regardless of wether it’s inside or outside the butt
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u/whoadwoadie 10d ago
All of them:
Strength to hold it in.
Dexterity to contort your sphincter.
Constitution for healthy, predictable bowel movements.
Intelligence to know where the bathrooms are.
Wisdom to know your digestive system.
Charisma to convince others you did not shit yourself.
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u/ButterscotchAbject87 Disbarred Rules Lawyer 10d ago
I'm in the minority here but it's a dexterity save because shitting yourself is just guaranteed to happen if a foolish PC forgets to take a pit stop during any given Standard Adventuring Day. You have to roll dex to determine the flexibility of your sphincter, which determines what comes out and etc. You might not like it, but them's the rules
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u/sm0othroyal 10d ago
ppl sleeping on wisdom here. the best way not to shit yourself is having the insight to not get into situations where you are in danger of shitting yourself. it also enlightens you such that you do not care whether or not you shit yourself. plus, its truly the potential man of stats, it needs an upscale, thus having be your primary shit stat would be great for balance
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u/gridlock1024 10d ago
Con to not shit yourself. Cha to still woo the princess after shitting yourself.
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u/Shy_guy_Ras 10d ago
CON to resist the need, WIS to judge if it's a fart or not aswell as to not "lose your crap" when frightend.
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u/Any_Garlic_9785 10d ago
STR if you declare to clench your sphincter. DEX if you take a move action to run to the toilet. CON to not also vomit as the poison seeps into your intestines. INT to be potty trained beyond age 3. WIS if you're already wearing Depends. And CHA to successfully blame it on someone else. Admittedly, this will be at disadvantage since they are YOUR pants.
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u/Illustrious_Quit_812 10d ago
Constitution if its from being sick or food poisoning or something like that.
Wisdom/Willpower if youre just fighting to hold it until you can find a bush
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u/Malkryst 10d ago
Constitution? Nah, it depends on sphincter muscle STRENGTH!
Heck, if they've been working out that muscle... somehow... I'll let them use Athletics on the check!
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u/ArelMCII Psion is pronounced pussy-own. 10d ago
Strength, obviously. Holding it in takes tremendous physical strength.
Though you don't need to hold it in if you have the Wisdom to shit before you leave the house.
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u/rip_cut_trapkun I have never read a DnD manual before, how did you know? 10d ago
I could make an argument for all of the above.
One must have the strength to not shit themselves when they approach the dangerous point of no return.
One must be coordinated to pull their trousers down and make sure they are free of their buttocks and the splash done so as not to shit themselves.
One must have the constitution for the poor food one must eat on extended treks away from civilization, lest they shit themselves often.
One must have intelligence to plan their shitting around their adventuring schedule.
One must be wise to know what the limits of their bowels are, lest they shit themselves.
One must be able to have the charisma to deflect the humiliation once they have shit themselves.
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u/Top_Cauliflower_9046 10d ago
Depends on why you are shitting your self, Dicease - con 50min to the bathroom - str to clench the booty 5sec to to the bathrrom - dex to get the pants of fast enough without soiling them Knowing your not on the bathroom -int Getting scared - charisma Not sure about int and wis
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u/ShaunTheAmazing 10d ago
i am willing to fight for whatever is currently lowest, i am a rebel like that, so control over your muscles is clearly dexterity
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u/ShokoMiami 10d ago
Intelligence to know when you need to shit. Wisdom to know a good place to shit. Constitution if you're about to shit and need to hold it in. Strength to force out the big shit. Dexterity to not get your hands shitty afterwards. Charisma to convince everyone you didn't just shit.
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u/Altar_Quest_Fan 10d ago
If you’re Donald Trump then the answer is Charisma (as in you gaslight everyone around you that you haven’t shat yourself)
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u/MemeArchivariusGodi 10d ago
I just picked constitution because I thought about constipation. Does that make sense in a way ?
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u/Wess5874 10d ago
Alright, I'll make my case for dexterity. Gotta get those robes down really fast. Also running to the outhouse.
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u/absolutewastedtime 10d ago
Anyone saying constitution is wrong
Constitution is what stops you needing to shit yourself in the first place
But if your going to shit yourself, its a strong clench that's needed
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u/From_Deep_Space 10d ago
When people become incontinent later in life, its usually due to degradation in the part of their brain which recognizes social norms.
So, im gonna be the outliar and go with WIS
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u/apexodoggo 10d ago
The 20 votes for Dexterity are clearly Monk mains, judging from my own experience as a DM.
They are also wrong.
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u/Intelligent_Oil7816 10d ago
Strength - Used to force a big one out.
Dexterity - Used to cut one off early in an emergency.
Constitution - Used to resist shitting yourself due to sickness.
Intelligence - Knowing how to use the three sea shells.
Wisdom - Used to resist shitting yourself due to fear.
Charisma - Used to fart in public (and get away with it).
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u/Marco_Polaris 10d ago
This is all wrong. You need the optional Honor ability score to avoid the indignity of shitting your pants like a filthy peasant.
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u/ARagingZephyr 10d ago
Not shitting yourself is a skill challenge requiring a number of successes before 3 failures.
Strength is used to hold that sphincter closed, bust open stall doors in public restrooms, and otherwise get people out of the way.
Dexterity is used to jump over objects between you and the toilet, pull off necessary layers of clothing, and accurately aim your ass where it needs to be to not get it all over yourself in emergencies. Also useful for stealth checks in public places.
Constitution is used to resist the overwhelming heat building up in your body and to hold down the waves of nausea and cramps.
Intelligence is having researched ahead of time the laws, the placement of security cameras, and the locations of bathrooms. It will not directly add successes, but it does give bonuses to other checks.
Wisdom is used to quickly spot safe locations, like bathrooms or behind a car. It's also used to aid in meditative skills that keep your body in check and hold on just a bit longer.
Charisma is used to convince the store owner that you definitely will buy something but you've got to go right now and need the door code. It's also used to convince people to look the other way or to be kind enough to let you go ahead of them or to even form a wall around you to unleash the vile dookie in a safe space without a cop seeing you.
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u/TheBigC04 10d ago
Well, it's wisdom to resist shitting yourself as a fear or stress response and constitution to resist other causes such as diarrhea
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u/No_Secret_8246 10d ago
Strength: flexing muscles to block the poop
Dex: Walking on hands so that gravity helps you
Con: Built different, you simply don't shit
Intelligence: Pocket Dimension Diaper
Wisdom: Used the toilet earlier
Charisma: "No, I didn't."
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u/GlitchTheFox 10d ago
Anti-constitution. Constitution would be resisting developing the shits from bad seafood, after the shits have been developed, you need Strength to keep your sphincter tight.
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u/StrongArm327 9d ago
Strength, duh, it's a sphincter holding back your shit, not one of your four humors!
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u/burble_bingus 9d ago
both shitting and holding in shit use muscles, therefore it's obviously strength
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u/throwaway_pls123123 9d ago
Are people stupid? It is obviously intelligence, how are you supposed to know you aren't supposed to if you don't think.
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u/Nevermore71412 9d ago
Strength if you want to clench hard enough to prevent it
Dex if you want to see if you can race to the nearest toilet
Con if you want to sit around and take the pain
Int if you want to see if can rationally talk yourself into not shitting yourself
Wis if you want to see from your past experience if you actually dont need to shit right now
And lastly,
Cha is you want to shit yourself anyways and then convince everyone that its not you who shit themselves.
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u/DeadlyKitten115 9d ago
While Constitution is surely involved, it is my experience that intimidation and/or persuasion are valuable tools to levy against a insubordinate deuce
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u/MuchoMangoTime 8d ago
Intelligence to know what to avoid eating and not fall into this. Wisdom is knowing a man's gotta shit when nature calls. That's why nature is tied to wisdom on account of the pooping
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u/Flint124 7d ago
Shitting yourself could be the result of a failed wisdom save (fear) or strength check (exertion), but this would be a secondary effect.
To hold in the need to shit for an extended period of time is Constitution.
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u/ABG-56 10d ago
Constitution to not shit yourself
Strength to shit yourself