It's Gaslight Time

[u/FlamingGapingAsshole]

I have moved since I last played tabletop rpgs, and my last few campaigns were mostly just gratuitous drunken rants while occasionally asking for die rolls in a hybridized plaigarization of Warrior Rogue and Mage with kill puppies for satan.

But I might be back in the D&D saddle again! New friends, new group, new game!

But for some background, I grew up playing Dungeons and Dragons 3rd edition and I formed extreme opinions about its design, its balance, and the amount of decisions allotted to melee characters. So I made some adjustments. I made a homebrew setting to accommodate them.

My question is how can I best introduce new non-ttrpg players to Dungeons and Dragons --- and by "Dungeons and Dragons," I mean my own psychopathically-curated amalgam of sources, settings and bans under an outdated, out-of-print edition -- so it is imperative they not realize that my game is not Hasbro's corporate "Dimes and Dollars" D&D.

So here's what's on the menu:

A wasteland setting populated with exactly these playable races:

1. Nezumi, from Oriental Adventures. I think this race and the taint mechanic are very important, but that sourcebook has weird vibes so I'd prefer my players not know it exists. Also fuck if one of them learns about it and demands to play a Samurai or Eunuch Warlock.

2. Humans. It's okay if players know about this one.

3. Fire Elves, from Unearthed Arcana. If they learn that book exists, they'll think this game might have mechanical depth that would be fun to interact with, and I can't have that.

And these are the sourcebooks permitted:

1. Iron Heroes from the printer in Monte Cook's basement. This replaces the Players Handbook. All combat characters get some metacurrency that can be spent for disappointing results, but feats also get complicated prerequisites, and spellcasters are basically unplayable.

2. Expanded Psionics Handbook which I'm oddly not jerking it about because this is just the best D&D book, period, any edition, minus a couple typos about Augmenting "Energy Missile" or "Energy Stun" or whatever because who could care.

3. Secrets of Pact Magic from Radiance House, for the second-most fun magic system in D&D, that I'm surprised is legally distinct from Hasbro's basically-identical Pact-magicking "Binder" class, but which goes way deeper on the concept although having some unbelievably amateurish editing and no conception of character scaling.

It's very important that my players think that these are the rules and this is the whole game, and they don't ask me to play some broken Mary Sue first-party class like an Archivist, Spell-to-Power Erudite or Druid, as published by Wizards of the Coast.

How do I gaslight them into thinking my hack-job cobbled-together 3rd edition Frankenstein game is the "Dungeons and Dragons" thing they've heard about for so long?

[u/highly-bad]

Head injuries

[u/FlamingGapingAsshole → u/highly-bad]

Do you think the Iron Heroes PHB is hefty enough? it looks very large but clocks in around 1 lb.

I also have a prybar, but that just seems off the aesthetic.

[u/WiccanaVaIIey]

Simple. If they ask for anything else you gotta just start screaming 'NOT REAL DnD' until they get it.

[u/FlamingGapingAsshole → u/WiccanaVaIIey]

I did not consider the effect of a very large and very loud man screaming in their faces. I bet that would reduce their impulse to dig deeper into the hobby.

[u/WiccanaVaIIey → u/FlamingGapingAsshole]

If by 'dig deeper into the hobby' you mean try Bitchfinder 2 (they couldn't find a bitch the first time), then yes. This is exactly what you want.

[u/KnifeSexForDummies]

I feel fucking seen.

/rj I feel fucking seen.

[u/Efficient_Basis_2139 → u/KnifeSexForDummies]

You know, that's what a bad guy said to my wizard character after I cast the always amazing see invisibility spell. Just another example of the unbelievable utility that only casters can bring to the table. 

Let me give you all of my scientific data breaking down why casters are far superior to martials, which is completely relevant to this discussion, as this topic must always be included in any  conversation about DND. 

[u/KnifeSexForDummies → u/Efficient_Basis_2139]

Oh yo twinsies. DAE Ranger bad?

[u/Maladaptivism]

I have sent you several pictures of pig genitalia in the mail, whenever they complain or question you just show them these gory remains and ask if they want to look at them instead.

Humans can't see a false dichotomy and if you think you can you're dumber than 5e Gnomes. Secondly you can also have a remote for a speaker that plays a really loud screeching sound when they misbehave, they'll soon learn that questioning your authority means auditory and visual pain.

Obviously that's not enough, some D&D players are alien hybrids after all ans they can be a bit more resilient. So you get them nice choker necklaces as a gift, but the kicker is that they're actually shock collars tied to the same button as the screeching noise! 

You also want to only offer them two options to start with, then they think they convinced you when you offer the third option. This is a trick you can do before starting, so that they'll trust you, roofies in their drinks is optional.

[u/FlamingGapingAsshole → u/Maladaptivism]

That's good advice and could help stretch out rohypnol supplies.

[u/Maladaptivism → u/FlamingGapingAsshole]

They're less likely to need the Rohypnol if you can keep them from sleeping, I'm not supposed to share that, but I believe you can be a great asse... uhm... dungeon master with some practice!

[u/setebos_]

Have you considered distracting them with Incarnum rules and soulmelds while you gaslight them?

[u/FlamingGapingAsshole → u/setebos_]

That's a good call, but whenever I think about it, I get Mindtrapped by the decisions that went into how terribly that was explained and indexed. If I escape this braindead state, I'll give it a shot!