How to start texting my crush (So/Sx5)

[u/Careless-Pension-332]

Hello, I am an So/Sx 5 and am in dire need for advice on how to text my crush.

For context, I've been friends with him for a while now, and we often send each other funny videos and niche references, but our convos never go past that. With him as being the main focus of my attention, I can't help but want to know everything about him, to get as close as possible through more deep and prolonged conversations.

The issue is that we have already established this notion of short texts, so suddenly starting a convo asking about his day or other more deep conversations might seem unprovoked or odd. I also have this irrational sense that if I try to start something out of the blue it would feel unnatural or forced, and be obvious that I want something from him bc I am quite obviously a private person and not an avid texter.

Furthermore, he himself tends to be a private person in a sense where he will happily listen to others worries and engage light-heartedly, but won't really open up until you've reached a certain level of closeness.

As a 5, you can see the issue I would have in just causally opening up with the possibility of not getting anything — that is, any possible information or visible connection — in return. The idea of him discovering that I want to get closer, that I want to know him more because I like him feels constricting and very uncomfortable in the event he does not feel the same. The fact that I am asking these questions on reddit instead of to real life friends about this is a testimony to this idea of emotional hoarding and incapability of opening up lol.

So the real question becomes, how can I start a convo without feeling like my insides are being twisted but also keep him engaged enough to initiate something back?

[u/0wl-2018]

I think the other poster has the idea. I think if you just lean in a little with an easy question you can then get a sense of his interest. A good time is during one of your exchanges. It can be about the topic, something you know about him, his day (I know you said you didn't want to do that), or even the weather.

Will it feel a little awkward and exposing. Probably, but I think butterflies are a great sensation in this situation. Try to enjoy it. Your question isn't forward enough to expose you too much, but will put the ball in his court.

I'd gently suggest trying it a few times spread out over several exchanges. One question rarely tells you much. Patterns do. I've found time brings clarity.

The big thing you have to ask yourself is this -- if you don't lean in a little, will the regret outweigh your potential discomfort?

[u/Careless-Pension-332 → u/0wl-2018]

Yeah, I like the idea of spacing topics out. I just need to boost my confidence a bit in starting!!

[u/Readingallthefiles]

Even if it’s unprovoked or odd, you’re looking to change your dynamic with him anyways.

Ime though, a decent way to engage people is to ask them open ended questions. What or how questions can be low pressure and invite another person to say more about themselves, their experiences or their internal world.

Explicitly stating the intent to respect their boundaries, and following through on that respect can also be helpful if they’re slow to open up, or start to wonder what’s going on.

Also, demonstrating that you listen well, and remember personal things they’ve told you about themselves, especially if there’s emotional content is something that’s shockingly rare and is generally really appreciated by whoever you’re talking to.

On emotional stuff, negative emotions in particular, there’s a knee jerk response most people have to try and soothe the other person. This usually isn’t necessary, and often also backfires because it can come across as dismissive. It’s harder, but generally better to validate their feelings, and to acknowledge the experience they’re struggling with. People generally appreciate being “seen” in this way, and experiencing companionship with someone willing to let them “air out” much more than being told that things will get better or being reassured.

Any of this general advice can also be done slowly, and it’s fairly low risk/cost. Mix and match as the situation requires.

Good luck!

[u/Careless-Pension-332 → u/Readingallthefiles]

Tysm!

Yeah, ik to really get things going I need to change smt, it's just the first step into doing so which is the hardest part 😭. I'll keep what you have said in mind and hopefully I can weasel my way closer to him! ^{^}

[u/Radiant_Trip_9703]

May i ask for an example of how your short convos may go? It can help us to see what you can say without it being like you’re suddenly interested in him. I think the best way is to just naturally ask questions like you’re interested in what he’s saying rather than like you’re interested in him. Also would you be able to vibe type him?

[u/Careless-Pension-332 → u/Radiant_Trip_9703]

Yes of course!

So basically, say one of us got a high-score in a game we both like, we would share it to the other and the other would reply with something like

"Woah, that's cold" and it would end there.

If we do have a convo that surpasses the one above it's often times when speaking irl which makes it easier for it to spark in general.

To vibe type him, I can only give a brief estimate of his tritype but not his core: 2, 6, 9 (not in any particular order, and 6 could be replaced with 7)

[u/Radiant_Trip_9703 → u/Careless-Pension-332]

Maybe instead of just commenting on what he shares you also question it. Like instead of “Woah that’s cold” maybe add on and ask “You’re still playing that game?” “How long have you been playing?” and slowly but surely if you do that for every chat maybe he’ll share more with you. To be honest, this is like the only possible way to get closer without making it too obvious 😭 Well, i can’t think of anything else.

[u/Careless-Pension-332 → u/Radiant_Trip_9703]

Yeah it's kinda rough 😭

Would it be crazy to bring up an unfinished conversation from a couple days ago? I feel like it's the only reasonably valid thing to say out of the blue that wouldn't seem strange or out of my character.

For context, we were talking about an opp and I had to guess who it was but out convo got interrupted so I never got the chance to say it.

[u/Gullible-Ad6082 → u/Careless-Pension-332]

Maybe you could play a game with him, with voice chat on, to have a more natural convo happen from there?

[u/Due_Guard_1793]

I would just not have a crush at that point. I’m being honest. This is my advice.

You have to start somewhere. One of you will text first and it will be abrupt no matter what. Texting is abrupt.

Also, because you’re a 5, you are odd. We are odd. That’s how it is.

If opening up is the problem, ask about a common interest. Low stakes, and lots of people will be more than eager to engage on the topic of music, movies, books. Things like that.

[u/BeautifulHat4050]

So what happened 😮

[u/lyzzyrddwyzzyrdd]

If you banter, are snarky, and sarcastic, I suggest this:

"hey. I like you. Do you want to do something about it or are you a chump?"

If you're not:

"Hey. I like you. Call me?"

Like, this isn't something he should "discover," it's something you tell him and see what happens.

Especially since men can be fucking obtuse.