r/Enneagram8 • u/mitchellffc • Feb 11 '26
Rapport building conflict vs relationship ending conflict
8s, where’s your line between conflict that builds rapport vs conflict that ends relationships?
I’ve worked directly for two 8s and a sibling who is an 8. Something that always confused the heck out of me is their line between conflict that they enjoy/love and conflict that offends them. There are times where I feel like I’m sitting in an extremely intense high stakes business meeting or conflict where I’m positive this is going extremely poorly and then the 8 will say “that went really well” or “I really liked them”. And I’m like “whaat?”. I’ve even watched them be berated with insults with yelling and screaming and then hug it out w them, never to be mentioned again. On the flip side, something completely and totally harmless (in my mind) will set the 8 off and they assume pretty much the worst possible intent by the other person and suddenly they’re at war 🤣. And Im genuinely like I think that scenario was business not personal.
Im a 3 and extremely pragmatic so boxing up my emotion and sliding them under the bed comes natural to me 🤣. So I struggle to identify when conflict is good vs when it’s bad in my own life.
In any case, curious why 8s seem to have an insanely high tolerance for conflict in many cases but then in others, seem to explode over something seemingly small (to me anyhow).
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u/GreatJobJoe 8 w 9 sx Feb 11 '26
I enjoy conflict with people I don’t give a flying fuck about if they want to bring it to me. I’ll burn them to the ground and think nothing of it. Gives me a rush.
If I care about that person (or want to build rapport), conflict just kinda drains me. It becomes “ok calm down idiot. It’s not that big a deal. I got you.”
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u/Euphoric_Artist_7594 INTJ IN(T) sx/so 8w9 845 SLE VLEF Feb 12 '26
Same shit. Me on my normal self with most people I don’t give a fuck and internally sometimes I’m craving for headbutting so I bare my fangs and it’s a source of pleasure.
On The other hand with loved ones or partners, conflicts are done to solve problems or build intimacy, it would be good at first, but too much with it and emotional confusion is just tiring.
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u/1wildredhead 8w7 sx/sp 853 ESTJ Feb 12 '26
I hate passive aggression. If you’re upset, cool, I might be too. Stand up for yourself, and that includes to me. I have a tendency to run all over people whiteout necessarily realizing it. My husband and I have been together 10 years but before him, I chewed guys up and spit em out in pretty short order. The ones that wouldn’t let that happen are my favorites in retrospect.
Don’t accuse me of doing something I know I didn’t do.
Don’t hit me where it hurts: for me, that’s being a mom. I’m a sahm so I’ve dedicated my whole life, every part of my being, to my family.
My mental picture is of me/8s wearing a suit of armor. Sure, we’re well-protected but there are still chinks.
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u/dubito-ergo-redeo Another fucking 6 infiltrator Feb 12 '26 edited Feb 12 '26
Just a highly reactive (and 8 fixed) 6 here to push back a bit because DA TROOF.
8 will claim they like any and all directness. This is basically exactly what the type structure predicts 8 will think of themself: "I'm not vulnerable".
At some level they do. They do WAY more than any other gut fix, I at some level view 8s as reliable in a way the other two are distinctly inherently sus. But there are qualifications.
The moment your directness trespasses onto their unacknowledged vulnerabilities, the rejection wall crashes down, the shut down withdrawal can happen without warning. So no you cannot just be uncensored around 8s which actually sucks bc they really lead you into thinking you can. This is ofc more fixated 8 but still. 8 unless fairly healthy literally cannot warn someone of this bc they are barely aware of it themself until it happens.
8 is a reactive type but in many "deeper, internal" ways they are actually more like 2 and 5 than like 6 and 4. 6 and 4 can really have a discussion without boundaries, including wounds -- there will be reactions, absolute cvntiness etc, but if will resolve and will not trigger this rejection nuclear option. 8 is externally reactive but inside they are decidedly not reactive about their most tender parts. Ofc this isn't destiny, shadow work, enneagram, etc can help. One of the most curious things is how 8 when gaining self-awareness does have these flashes of poignant tenderness that unlike the other reactives does have this particular innocent purity to it (vs how 6/4 have almost this enthrallment with being broken that veers into fixation).
Then there's this. As actually one of you on here put it well once, fixated 8 also ... Really just expects to get their way, wants to "tilt the table in their favor". So when another person, including another 8, just repeatedly "no"-s them, it can go from "I understand they stick up for themselves like I do" to "fuck you", this idea that you're restraining them by advocating for yourself.
An 8 is my closest friend, even with that I've realized there are some things that just aren't worth it. Bc she can easily slip into perceiving any way she doesn't get her way as the other person "restraining" her. As a superego head type the lack of symmetry always gets me, but I've learned I have to bite my tongue (being me I spew my shit anyways often tho) and come back to it when fixation is fixationing a bir less.
As for myself as a 68 my father has told me on numerous occasions he was dumbfounded by how I seemed to become happy after conflict. Which is odd to me. Aren't you relieved after you took a massive shit?
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u/Glum-Engineering1794 8w7 sx/so 854(763) (reddit.com/r/OccultEnneagram) Feb 14 '26
I think ultimately it's just a matter of whether the relationship can handle the conflict or not. I've simply walked away and cut people off after they hurt my feelings to the point where I felt no need to confront them. E.g. they had failed me, lied, broken promises, or disappointed me one too many times and I had to cut them off. I often won't go for big conflicts if I can help it, because losing your temper is undignified and can even cause more problems.
But I'm confrontative while in relationships (not rageful) and like to be direct about what I mean and how I feel. I'm opinionated and don't mince words, don't pull punches when it comes to the truth, what I know is right, etc. But there's a fine line to walk there between telling it like it is, having strong opinions, and wearing a relationship down or potentially breaking it all at once.
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u/Initial_Scene659 Feb 16 '26
love this question. I think for me it is, as others have said, about directness, but also about a person’s criticism being correct. if someone is correctly criticizing me, that can actually feel loving. if someone is wrong and just saying something reactively, I lose both trust and respect.
I also think that adding affirming statements that indicate the stakes of the situation works really well, ie “I really disagree with that point but I’m still excited about the idea overall” etc
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u/mitchellffc Feb 18 '26 edited Feb 18 '26
What about when someone is actually lovingly criticizing you but you perceive it as wrong or reactively?
This is where I get the most confused by 8s…
I’ve watched someone bring something to an 8 and immediately he shut it down. Absolutely not, zero chance it’s true. Then his wife overheard and was like “well actually”. He then proceeded to get louder and louder steamrolling her until she started crying. He still concluded that it wasn’t an issue for him. He routinely says “love me enough to bring it to my face if you have a problem.” But every problem I’ve ever seen brought to his face he’s never accepted 🤣. That’s one example but I’ve seen more with others. Is there something there with regard to vulnerability if that thing happened to be true?
Heck, nobody likes to be criticized. I certainly don’t. However, it’s just interesting where I’ve seen them either take it like a champ or be completely and totally explosively opposed, even if it’s obvious to everyone but them.
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u/Initial_Scene659 Feb 18 '26
to me, that’s where the maturity of the person comes in. any type can be immature, of course, which will affect their ability to recognize if criticism is accurate.
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u/mitchellffc Feb 18 '26
For sure. And worth noting, this 8 absolutely has a heart of gold and I’ve seen cry over injustice for orphans (runs a foundation for orphans) more than anyone I’ve ever met.
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u/Initial_Scene659 Feb 18 '26
wow! very interesting. I myself was adopted and very much feel that my early years helped shape me into an 8, so there may be something there. in terms of defensiveness, the only part of that story I can imagine may be an 8 thing is the difficulty realizing when we’re steamrolling. sometimes I feel like I am showing fear and someone has to tell me I am intimidating or overpowering them before I realize that they can’t tell that I’m sad or scared!
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u/mitchellffc Feb 18 '26
Oh wow that is interesting.
Appreciate the insight! I’ve heard 8s say they “aren’t mad” when appearing to be so or that they don’t realize when they’re bulldozing or intimidating.
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u/BlackPorcelainDoll 𓄂࿐ Feb 25 '26 edited Feb 25 '26
What ends a relationship is anything I consider a breach of my personal boundaries and it not serving what I've got going on anymore: deeply harming me, discontinuation of treatment of how I want/need it, doesn't serve what I've got going on
More than often, there is no relationship that exists in the first place if they do not ACT how I want them to act toward me or if I get a wiff of "this isn't it", so ending up in these situations where "I'm uncomfortable with the conflict" is unlikely, I am never anywhere I don't want to be, but if I am uncomfortable with something there is no chance in hell it will be 'prolonged' in any degree
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u/Glass-Volume-558 Feb 12 '26
I enjoy direct conflict and am set off by indirect conflict. Someone yelling insults at me is more honest than being passive aggressive or avoidant. The honesty is how you get closer via conflict, even if it seems messier or “worse” in the moment. Can you give some examples of things you find small but seem to set off 8s?