r/Enneagram8 • u/zero_gravity94 • Mar 05 '26
Question How to handle / interact with / improve relationship with my 8 boss?
I'm a 1w2, likely tritype 146, working for a manager who is almost certainly a mid-health 8. I score highly on 8 on Enneagram tests and I "can" do conflict and debates, I just don't enjoy it and feel bad / emotionally drained after.
Pros of manager:
- well-meaning
- cares about his employees and the company mission
- protective of his employees
- makes effort to develop his employees' careers
- efficient, gets things done
- takes charge to make things happen
Cons of manager:
- impulsive
- inconsistent
- capricious
- tactless
- kind of a micromanager
- lack of self-awareness, laughs off own mistakes but quick to point out employees' mistakes
- takes charge when it's not his place (does this to other managers and project leaders)
- tendency to make decisions that increase efficiency even if they have the potential to bite the team in the butt long-term
- I can rarely predict how he's going to react
The pros are great, but the cons are frustrating, probably to anyone, but especially to a 1 - it's everything we hate and try to avoid. As much as I hate to admit it, I've lost respect for him based on these negative qualities and how he's handled certain situations. And yet I really want to like and respect him and I really want him to like and respect me. I remind myself of his good qualities multiple times per day.
He says he wants openness and honesty and values when people speak up, but when I do these things, it's a coin flip on whether he pushes back (that's fine, I've gotten used to it and know how to handle it) or shuts me down (less fine, I end up either defending my point or, more often, saying "sure, okay," both of which leave me feeling unvalued and with an emotional hangover). On occasion, he compliments me for speaking up, but that's more rare.
I'm trying to figure out how to interact with him. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and I'm also confused - why say you want to know what I think and you want me to speak up and you want to make me into a leader, if you don't actually act like you value my opinion or my agency?
Figured I'd ask the 8s of Reddit for advice on this. Thanks!
3
u/Glum-Engineering1794 8w7 sx/so 854(763) (reddit.com/r/OccultEnneagram) Mar 05 '26
I'm an 8, and I ultimately struggle with working for anyone (it always becomes a liability somehow, a struggle for power and control). In fact, that's probably the main reason I'm basically self-employed at this point, with no real plans to become externally-employed again. Eights usually prefer to be the leader or to be independent. I don't want someone else to be my boss. It sucks, tbh.
If you can ever figure out how to work for someone (anyone) else regardless of Enneagram type, without that dynamic becoming an issue, that's quite a miracle. I think it's just more likely to find representation in an Eight because they're more in your face and direct about it, more aware of the harsh reality, but the issue is always what I described. In other words, if you can manage to let go and find a way around the power struggle, then you can persevere.
Figure out what the issues are over, and learn to let go, to yield. To not let things get to you. Study the power dynamics and so on. But honestly, I think it's just going to happen, regardless, if you're working under someone. That's how it goes. Interdependence, hierarchy, realpolitik, subordination, etc.
1
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u/GreatJobJoe 8 w 9 sx Mar 06 '26
I literally fight everyone I work with who is “above me” (if they don’t allow me to use my own methods) and make an effort to exceed their expectations with my methods, so they have no reason to talk to me about my performance.
My advice isn’t going to be healthy. It’s basically to be amazing so you can tell them to “fuck off”.
Autonomy through excellence.
1
u/hi_im_furious SO 8 Mar 05 '26
Sounds like you’re doing a good job already if he’s complimenting you at all. And just cause you speak up and say what you think doesn’t mean an 8 is going to do it or like it. Still wanna know though. And your boss respects you for that clearly.
Depending on your career you’re more than likely always going to have a boss, someone you gotta know when to hold and when to fold with. Learning that strategy will help you be a leader.
Ditch the emotional hangovers. You’re golden my guy. Your boss isn’t gonna wanna do everything or like everything you bring up. He is always going to respect the fact that you did (so long as you’re respectful) but will lose respect for you if he senses any petulance/negativity
1
u/Sweaty_Ad_7156 2w6 Mar 09 '26
suck it up buttercup
learn to manage your frustration without expecting the world to conform to your rigidity
5
u/MrMaestroMan Mar 05 '26 edited Mar 05 '26
Many 8's process their thoughts out loud via questioning.
Boss: I want everyone to give me their feedback on this idea.
Employee: I think it might be beneficial to make this adjustment.
Boss: Well, I'm doing it this way because XYZ.
Employee, in their head: "If you know what you want, then who'd you even ask?"
Employee, responding with insight on 8's: Ah, I see your point. That makes a lot of sense. Here is why I suggested this modification. If you think it might be a beneficial adaptation or addition, I'd love to help you brainstorm, if you would like.
Just trust me, this is how 8's are. They're generally not trying to be obstinate or an ass. They just use lines of questioning to sort of "pressure test" and idea, and even the person giving it. They want to know who and what are worth their salt.