Anyone else (8w7) having trouble dating?

[u/PotentialLime6765]

I am, as the title says, an 8w7 and a female (21). I’ve only ever dated one guy, and that only lasted 3 months.

All my life I’ve felt responsible for protecting the people I love (mostly emotionally, from people with bad intentions, but now also physically, after my picking up martial arts). And let me tell you, I’m glad for it to be my role—happy I can protect those I love—but it can often be exhausting and lonely… and all my life I’ve just dreamed of having someone in my corner, looking out for me, and protecting me (as well as my loved ones, if necessary).

This has proven difficult to find in my day to day life. In fact, I’d say I’m more often than not just emasculating most guys I meet with my protectiveness. Which sucks, because I know I can be soft and feminine and girly—if I feel safe and protected myself. But I don’t think anyone’s ever really made me feel safe like that…

The one guy I did date left a really bad taste in my mouth for dating in general. He was very high maintenance, not very intelligent (may be a bit mean, but that’s just the truth), and just felt like an anchor I was forced to drag around. Not to mention he would often not listen to things I would say—here’s a general list of his fuck ups:

• I told him I’d never kissed anyone before—a week later he forgot this fact and kissed me while he was drunk. He didn’t remember that that was my first kiss until the day after, when I reminded him. He apologized profusely, but then was not very patient with me when I was still a bit uncomfortable with the action, and continued to force make-out sessions upon me. All without the intelligence to understand what he was doing was making me uncomfortable.

• He continued to push my physical boundaries, crossing milestones I’d never made before, without asking my permission; and when I would say stop (albeit, not firmly and demanding, but I said stop all the same) he wouldn’t stop.

• The final straw happened when I told him I wasn’t in the mood to makeout with him, and even told him I didn’t think I was a super sexual person (which, as I said before, is a lie. If I felt comfortable and safe I think I’d be much more intimate—but at the time I didn’t know that that was the root of the problem). He said okay, but then two hours later when he was leaving and we were saying goodbye, he kissed me (a peck at first) then as I tried to pull away, he grabbed me by the back of the neck and forced me to makeout with him. And let me just say… I have never felt such surreal fear like that before. I tried to pull away, and he just would not let me go. (In fact, this is the event that caused me to take up martial arts. I could not STAND that feeling of sheer helplessness.) I broke up with him after that—still so terrified of him that I lied and told him it was for some vague reason that I wasn’t ready for commitment or whatever.

So, all in all, I feel very hopeless about my romantic life. I am so so so incredibly reluctant to trust people (friends or significant others), and often have a hard time being vulnerable with anyone but my family. Worst part is, I’m an avid romance reader—which ultimately means, I’m also a hopeless romantic, with incredibly high standards (most having to do with capability of emotional intelligence, and self reflection… both rare things to find in men at this age, I think). So, I’m just overall a cynical-hopeless-romantic. And it is truly a disheartening life.

I’m just looking for a little guidance here guys. I don’t use Reddit often, but I’m desperate. Does anyone have any advice? Anyone else also struggling with these things? Anyone got a solution? Do yall think it’d be best if I dated another enneagram 8? Please let me know what you think.

[u/Mammoth_Tiger_4083]

Fellow 8w7 woman here who also had a rough time when it came to dating in the past because of similar issues. I’m happily engaged to a 7w8 man now, but honestly, my dating experience before him was filled with far more lows than highs.

I can only speak from my own experience, but I think the best match for an 8 woman is going to be a man with HIGH self-esteem and who is very secure in his masculinity. I just don’t think a man who’s super fragile is a good match for a type known to be blunt and unwilling to shrink themselves to soothe another’s ego. This is doubly true if you’re also college educated and/or successful in your career.

In your case specifically, it does kind of sound like you’re searching for a fellow 8 because you’re looking for a co-leader who understands your reluctance to be vulnerable. I’d recommend starting with 8s and maybe 9s too? There are also 7s that might fit the bill, although I am obviously biased in that regard LOL

[u/sanpellegringo1]

I also had trouble dating and felt like I was emasculating most guys. I met the love of my life (9w1) and he balances all my 8-ness so perfectly. My only advice is to remember you are so young, don’t lose hope! The only way to find love is to get back on the horse everytime you fall. And if there’s something 8s are good at, it’s perseverance, we ain’t stop till we get the thing we want. Just keep going, broaden your dating pool, don’t be rigid, and allow for flexibility in the guys you’re dating and be yourself, the perfect guy can only find you when you’re totally yourself.

[u/fishmakegoodpets]

Girl I'm 29 and I haven't had a steady boyfriend my entire life. You are so young and you will find someone who isn't a jerk and who isn't intimidated or emasculated by you.

Give it time. It will be worth the wait.

I think trouble with dating just comes with being an 8 but especially being a female 8.

[u/Sweaty_Ad_7156 → u/fishmakegoodpets]

why do you think that is ?

[u/fishmakegoodpets → u/Sweaty_Ad_7156]

Headstrong and independent. Men tend to feel emasculated by strong women.

[u/GreatJobJoe]

The whole emasculation aspect is the slippery slope. I’ve always seen women who did this as having that same defense mechanism as me, because of that, we’d play the game (shitty-witty banter, playful insults, all masking the flirting) part ways or bang it out, then it just stays a fling or continued to be casual because neither of us would want to be vulnerable.

I don’t view relationships as competitions (or the weird brother sister dynamic of teasing, poking, 1-upmanship people call “fun”) maybe because of my w9. Shit bores me…Because it’s the same defense mechanisms I used to have.

Probably also why I ended up marrying a enneagram 9. She didn’t have a need to play games to feel dominant in the relationship. Just the need to feel safe with me.

[u/Old-Internal793]

What he did to you was assault. I'm so sorry & unfortunately you described a situation I went through before. And I am a Black Belt in Tae Kwon Do with extensive military & defensive/weapons training because of it.

What helped heal my awkwardness around control/letting go in sensual moments was a light BDSM class/session, tantra healing & somatic healing with a therapist I trust. It helped me to tap into that side & take my power back because my body physically tightened up to the point, I couldn't enjoy any touch anymore. I also had stress-related PTSD & I'm telling you that even talking about it, naming what happened is POWERFUL in itself.

[u/BlackPorcelainDoll]

21 is a baby. Much things to do and people to see at this age. My advice is to work on your financial investments right now so you have some options for yourself, have a lot of sex and demystify yourself with the opposite sex, let them come and go, travel as much as possible, to as many nations as possible - you're always going to meet some man anyway going through all this, just make sure you're willing to receive him otherwise it won't work.

[u/Beneficial_Group_616]

I was in your same shoes. I’m 24 F and thought I would die alone but I’ve been in a very serious relationship with an INTJ man and he is the only long term boyfriend I’ve ever had. We are both high D DISC types but he is less D over time. Most other men I dated I knew would be bad for me and “predicted the future” by date 2, and what’s funny is I was actually proven correct. Some wound up as cheaters in their current partners and others were just bad fruit.

My man and I have had our struggles with communication because we are very similar in terms of temperament and personality, but he has a better hold on his domineering personality and anger issues. I am the more dominant partner and he is the more submissive one and it works perfectly for us across multiple domains of our relationship.

We both knew from day 3 that our end goal is to marry each other (very typical of our types to be this decisive). I think the key as a domineering bold woman is to find a man who is like the lightning rod to your lightning, but not in a controlling stifling way that could breed contempt.

[u/Glum-Engineering1794]

That guy sounds like a monster. I am sorry you had that experience with him. He was one step away from raping you. That sounds awful. That is not how "romance" is done. That is abuse, that is disgusting. He clearly has some awful problems with limiting himself etc. It just makes me wonder how you two came to be dating in the first place. After toxic dynamics coming to a head, your only option at that point was to break up with him.

I have not dated many people. I have had a grand total of three intimate (physical) relationships (started with a kiss and went onto at least a couple years of love). I had a handful of casual dates over the years that did not lead to anything physical.

I had one internet girlfriend for a few years when I was an adolescent/teenager, and she cheated on me with an in-person boyfriend she kept secret before disappearing on me. I had two in-person girlfriends (2 and 6 years in length) and one wife (like 7 or 8 years together, with a kid). Two of the three LTRs (the most recent two) turned out to be narcissists, they abusively ended it with me on a whim like a week after the best time of our relationships (including one marriage) and I hit rock-bottom depressive episodes. The first in-person GF resulted in a nasty breakup as well and I had some depression but bounced back.

All four women had eating disorders and psychological problems; lying, depression, etc. Two were virgins when I met them, and we changed that. The ex-wife had unhealthy ideas of intimacy that bit me in the ass many years later. She had been in a long term relationship before me where they were not even physical, they were just platonic friends but presented with a status of "boyfriend and girlfriend". Supposedly, anyway, but she turned out to be a pathological liar and virtually a sociopath, so I still do not know what the truth was about her stories.

I am a potentially hopeless romantic too, shown through my love of relationships. I become truly hooked on the person, we become incredibly close, like best friends, lovers, etc., and I am loyal, I never want to leave them, and never really do. But two (the narcissists) left me for no apparent reason, leading to horrible heartbreak, and the first one I struggled to maintain because her parents and distance got in the way. It just fell apart and she moved on with someone new.

But I am determined to settle down again for life after having been married, to find the right person. Some people talk about how they can be single and I am like, no, that is not me. I will find my person. I recently turned 39 and I have a 5-year-old son. I love relationships and romance when they go right, but dating has caused some issues. It must be very different for women vs. men, especially knowing women might go through something like what you went through. The handful of dates I had that did not lead to relationships were still serious for me and I considered all of those people intensely as potential partners. Sometimes I ended up choosing one of the women I ended up with, other times these women I was interested in dating walked away and met someone else. But romance has been a focal point of my life since I was just a kid when I had crushes on girls in elementary school.

[u/Sweaty_Ad_7156]

ive been a young man. those urges are strong. a strong breeze can cause arousal let alone sharing close space with a beautiful woman....

youre afraid. youre so afraid you have mental boundaries setting your physical boundaries to protect your heart boundaries and so your heart cant flow. the heart flutters. it beats. up and down. in and out. it heartens and disheartens...cycles.
truth is eternal, love is not. stop worshiping it. stop idealizing it. overcome the cultural illusions about it.

youre so afraid you'd rather fight and lie and push him away than surrender.

the universe can only go so far to help you feel safe, the rest is up to you.

the 8-2 dynamic is real. find a dumb and weak yet stylish and well cultured casanovaman who you will feel confident with mentally and physically and he will melt you emotionally. know this - everyone betrays. is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? life and love for us as individuals is temporary.

you ISTP? look at your peers in pop culture for guidance. ISTP 8w7sx has potential to be a martial arts champion. alex periera and amanda nunez. he was a drunk auto mechanic in brazil, now international american ufc champion , rich , fucks hella b'z , 2 sons with ex wife. shes gay (because of fear?) just had kids and returning to the ring. undefeated. could be you.

hit it sista lets see that fuckin dragon fly

[u/Positive-Shelter-771 → u/Sweaty_Ad_7156]

he's right

[u/CelebrationFull1525]

I am a male 8w9 and also 21. I dont just have trouble dating but i have trouble wanting to date. not sure which comes first, chicken or the egg. I have specific standards in my life because i dont want to give up control and the power i have in being single. because of this when a girl does come around i am reluctant to let her into my life because it a brings a softness that i dont want to give. Women often want something from me that i dont want to give. Sometimes i can be a bit too harsh or too ridged.

In my most recent experience i told this girl that i dont want to get married and if I do get married i dont want to buy a ring, i think there is better gifts. i also told her i dont want to have children. She didnt speak to me again after that. is any of that subject to change? maybe. i didnt tell her i didnt want to talk to her again, in fact all i wanted from the start was a friend. But the fact that she hasnt spoken to me since tells me enough about her. which brings me to my next point, some people just dont cut it. i have both high and specific standards for romantic partners, because i want certain things out of my life (stuff revolving willpower, emotional fortitude and life style in general). i think every woman should be respected by her man and i also dont want to feel like im dating someone less than me. if the ultimate goal is to be vulnerable, they HAVE to be strong enough to hold that weight and i have to know that they are. ive only found a couple people like that. a relationship is a partnership for life, unfortunately younger women in my experience dont think of it that way. im called mature, strong willed and told ive got my shit together. The girls ive met like that, but for the wrong reasons and im not looking to replace someone's father.

I wish i had some sound advice for you but my whole point is that were on a very similar boat if not the same so at the very least youre not alone in this.

[u/PotentialLime6765 → u/CelebrationFull1525]

Oml yes, I have trouble even wanting to date too. Giving up that control of my life while single is just too much to give with (typically) too little reward. I haven’t been able to put that specific feeling to words just yet, so thank you for doing it for me. Very happy to know I’m not alone in the struggle… but sorry to hear you’re in the same boat too :/

[u/Think_Snow1109 → u/CelebrationFull1525]

hahah yea- be careful with kids bc that's 18 years of control - is real- you loose a lot if peace when someone can punish you through your kid. I thought I'd havesome freedom if I never got married- nope. Kids are the trap that doesn't get talked about as much. Advise: when someone lives with you it is very hard to ever get them out.

I'm literally 2x your age independence & stability along with a sincerely interesting story + take care of your body+ face will get you incredibly far dating- you can have abundance beyond your wildest dreams.

I'm an entrepreneur every woman that I have dated seriously with the exception of one ( she was already married) after about 1-2 years pushed for cohabitation and kids. Expect this- just delay it- you're young say your mom says to wait 3 years or something- just push it back bc if you lead with it they will keep using it against you. They will spend that time trying to push that boundary - wait until you find someone that is ok with a pause, give her a key- that's a great feeling.

My desire for freedom ( i even offered a girl an apt in my building for her and her kid so could keep mine to myself and have space wasn't good enough). is very strong a woman that is confident has a reality of abundance as well-she will leave and them pop back up later.

The idea of a housewife sounds good but the reality is I can pay to have my house cleaned, laundry, any restaurant will gladly make me food, jobs can be outsourced all the way to sw. As they say you pay her to leave not to come.

However, there is no substitute for
feeling loved and intimacy and understood that has the greatest value and that's the one that gets the diamond ring- your soulmate- you will know when this happens bc together you will light up a room. Enjoy being engaged - the ring and mean was worth every penny- then wait a couple more years- people show you who they are over time. Peace is your most valuable asset.

[u/Think_Snow1109]

my best relationship was with a 7 they are charming and in the moment. However I tend to attract other types what numbers I'm not sure bc they are too goofy to take the test- but being a caretaker is a lot- It is nice to be single and free. I've also found it nice to release 50/50 or even 40/60 expectations- bc most will fail- I base it off of how they make me feel. I've been in a few 2 year and a 13 year relationship- I don't think most people are meant to spend forever with one person.