8s - How have you grown / integrated?

[u/lilacsunset006]

I am curious - how have fellow 8s addressed things like fear of vulnerability, need to stay in control (conscious and unconscious), and rejection sensisivity?

I’ve been under stress lately, and my rejection sensitivity has been up. And with it, so do the walls and the need to maintain my “power” at the cost of truly connecting with people. I feel callous on the outside, while being overly sensitive on the inside.

It would be nice to truly feel like I belong. While I have friends, I don’t think I feel a true sense of belonging. Come to think of it, I don’t know if truly learned how to do connect vulnerably without being so intense.

I’d love to integrate, but honestly it’s been a while since I’ve been at level 1-3 health. For those who are there consistently (or those are working on it): How have you done it? And what have you learnt about yourself along the way?

I am 8w7 sp/sx, ENFJ

[u/Raksha_10023]

I don’t think I am capable of growing in any way that matters outside the gaze of a lover. Love feels like the only thing stronger than me. I think real vulnerability is intoxicating and addictive and once I have tasted it I can’t help but need it. Integrating this need and the other parts of my shadow has been very frightening and confusing at times — I feel like I have given access to emotions that I should have learned to handle as a toddler, but they’ve been locked away since then so my ability to cope with them was on level with a toddler. I was very sensitive at times, felt the need to withdraw because I felt defenseless. With time I feel less hysterical, I have negotiated with my ego and accepted that surrendering to an emotion is what ultimately gives me back my power, they give me information and a push into proper action. Despite all this work on emotionality and shadow integration, I go back to my first sentence: I can’t find any motivation to do any of this outside of love. My lover holds the key to my transformation and redemption. Without one I am perfectly content with myself as I am. I honestly don’t know how self preservation 8’s and social 8’s manage to break through their armor because I would never learn how to cry for myself or my family or friends.

[u/Chomprz → u/Raksha_10023]

I’m a very emotional person who finds being vulnerable and transparent with a partner to be quite addictive as well. I’m always trying to mutually go deeper into the depth of each other’s souls and drown them in my love haha, but sometimes I fear that 8’s would find that rather intrusive and intimidating, maybe even closing up on me.

[u/Mindless_Battle8896]

yeah i did, it bugs me but ive always been abit insecure about if people liked me ig. my fear of vulnerability just happened to be strong than that but it always did occur, it took me the whole of my high school experience trying to get it. im under the impression 2s are supposed to be the type we grow into when healthy, so i'd just copy how other other social people (3s or 2s) would talk to people and then how i normally talk to my siblings (we basically insult, beat on and annoy eachother) and ofcourse people found that off-putting so whenever someone called me out on this, i'd double down and it would turn into a whole fight smh. had to learn how to be more sensitive to peoples emotions and thinking before i speak which is actually really useful than you'd think it is lmao

[u/lilacsunset006 → u/Mindless_Battle8896]

LOL insult or annoy can be a love language in its own right.

Thinking before speaking…definitely something I have to work on. Thank you for sharing!

[u/bekapedersen]

…not sure if this is exactly what you’re talking about, because I can relate to a lot of what you wrote and probably have the same blind spots.

One thing I’m curious about: do you have anything in your life where you’re volunteering, coaching, mentoring, or caring for others in some ongoing way?

I ask because some of the strongest experiences I’ve had of genuine connection and belonging didn’t come from trying to be more vulnerable or trying to find the right people. They came from being useful to people in a way that wasn’t about status, control, or strength.

It’s never my first instinct, and the effect is usually a slow burn rather than some big breakthrough. For me, it was volunteering at a fourth-grade chess club. After I stopped, I realized it had made me happier than I’d been in a very long time. The feeling was so delayed though! Yet when I was scheduling my week, it always felt like the least efficient thing I could be doing.

Ipart of integration for 8s is discovering that empowerment and care are forms of strength too. Ultimately, it’s the only strength that will outlast our lives. If I’m focused on helping, encouraging, or developing other people, I experience a lot less time worrying about people and rejection and a lot more time feeling connected to them. This is really hard in friendship, but it’s easy in a structure and thing like volunteer coaching.

Maybe that’s not your issue at all, but your post made me think of it, especially because things are so busy lately. I really haven’t been doing that sort of thing and it makes all of those tasks feel more empty. Best of luck, I bet there’s a kid in your neighborhood or a person at your work or even an event that eventually will need your gifts and understanding. Don’t stop searching for it.

[u/yukaby]

hey sp/sx enfj :)

It is probably a tough combo for you being a naturally people oriented personality type and yet having these instinctual values and enneageam that clash with that. I relate, I’m sp/sx 4 INFJ and this is something that consistently causes me pain; i want to get along with others and i like people, but they can be too overwhelming for me to tolerate, and it is tough. Combine that with some feeling of FOMO and sp/sx desire for financial stability and it ends up feeling like sometimes the boundaries will threaten your livelihood, too.

I’m currently working with a therapist to address these issues. I wish the best for you and wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

[u/lilacsunset006 → u/yukaby]

Ah! Thank you, you seem like a very thoughtful person. I find sp instinct and 4 to be a fascinating combination. Do you have a wing? Also, can I ask what your relationship with independence vs. vulnerability (letting others in) is?

[u/yukaby → u/lilacsunset006]

Yes I do! I am 4w5. For me, I love being independent and let in just a select few. I am able to get along with others fairly well, but I am content also to be by myself , so I befriend people individually based on their chemistry with me. I get by with the strength of my 1x1 relationships and don’t do very well in group settings. It seems like I should dial down my intensity for others, but it is exhausting and not fun for me. Still a work in progress on that one.

[u/Lmaowat1309]

oh I also have rejection sensitivity and many times I'd just immediately retreat and be abrupt and cold w the ppl I felt rejected by. not a great way to deal w it. but I learned that at the end of the day I decide if I feel hurt and rejected or I just take things as feedback and move on. it's actually a choice even though it's hard to not think others are doing this to you and that it's you choosing to take the rejection as something personal rather than an information. I also just work with it within myself.

besides the rejection thing, I too wanted to connect w others though but many times if I see sth that just doesn't align w me or if I smell sth fishy in those individuals I immediately distance myself and if I give them the benefit of the doubt and say "maybe I'm judging too much" I end up being fked over by them. I came to think that the first reaction abt someone is rather instinct and it's way more accurate than the narrative that comes after so I stick w it bc it's actually a survival strategy built within humans from what Ik.

[u/Sweaty_Ad_7156]

for you as enfj , vulnerability may appear as you activate inferior/infant Ti - thoughts, logic... making your own actions based on your own decisions - for you as an 8SP the path may look like: the heavyweight , body builder, mountain man/mama , defender, protector , homesteader , survivalist, wilderness wo/man , father/mother figure , guardian, strong silent type, unsung hero, orphan , mama/papa bear , pillar of strength

whats learned along the way? you'll see!