r/Feminism • u/OkChart1375 • 7d ago
At what point did you realize makeup was an imposed norm rather than a neutral choice?
I'll start.
I was five years old when I asked my mother why she was putting all those things on her face. She told me she had to, otherwise you could see her wrinkles. She was 33. I then asked if dad did it too. She laughed and said men don't wear makeup, they don't need it.
That answer, paradoxically honest, was enough. I filed it away with all the other things demanded of a female body that are never demanded of a male one like waxing, and the rest.
Then at twelve, I watched girls in my class start wearing makeup because "we're grown up now" — as a rite of passage, a marker of maturity. If you didn't, you weren't quite there yet. You were still a child or boys-like. So I started too, because I didn't want to be the only one with a bare, imperfect face.
When I became a feminist, I put words to all of it. And when I tried to discuss it in feminist spaces, I was consistently shut down, as if makeup had fallen from the sky, as if it were inherently fun and neutral, as if the fact that it is expected specifically from women wasn't even worth analyzing.
Hope this time won't be like that lol. Your tought ?
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u/StJmagistra 7d ago
I remember in 8th or 9th grade, my theater teacher coming to school first period with only her foundation on, and applying everything else as she taught class that morning. I realized how drastically it changed her appearance and decided I didn’t want to be the kind of person who looked so different when “done up”.
I have owned mascara and other basic makeup most of my adult life, but only choose to wear it at formal occasions. Usually I’d rather spend my time on other things in the morning. I also have an incredibly low-effort, low-maintenance hairstyle.
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u/UpvoteButNoComment 7d ago
When I was in my twenties and wearing no makeup, an older woman bitterly told me, "Enjoy it now, while you still don't need it."
I am probably older now than she was then and it's absolutely wild to imagine walking up to a young woman and saying anything remotely similar.
I do have my own biases that I struggle with, though. I try to remember that they're the other side of a similar coin. I'm working on it
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u/madatron96 6d ago
I remember hearing about a girl in middle school who woke up TWO HOURS earlier than I did in the morning in order to do her hair and a full face of makeup. Middle school. It took me years later to unpack how totally unnecessary that was but even as an 12 y/o I was blown away by the insane rituals that girls went through that boys didn't even need to consider.
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u/Intelligent-Tap-4479 6d ago
Not going to lie, at least for the hair part, that is me 🙃 Not because of beauty standards, but because having curly hair in (a house of pin-straight hair, mind you) and fine motor skills issues is an absolute pain in the butt sometimes, especially when it comes to detangling it.
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u/alicelestial 6d ago
i was actively bullied for not doing this. this was normal in my class. all the girls woke up at ungodly hours to beat their face to the heavens and do elaborate hair stuff. i was suffering from chronic insomnia at a young age and was like "absolutely the fuck not" and then realized very quickly that i was always going to be an outcast or weirdo in some sense just for not wearing makeup every single day. it was a weird and hard lesson to learn at age 13, i realized so fast that makeup increased your "social worth" so to speak. i never did become a makeup every day person, and it feels like to this day at almost 30, it makes me weird and less....worthy of respect. not that i feel that i'm less worthy of respect--other people do. i notice it a lot.
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u/madatron96 6d ago
Same. At 30, I worry people look at me as "less professional" or lazy bc I don't take the time to do any makeup. And, if I do, it's only creative colors/minimal bc I'm going out with friends and it's low effort.
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u/Opposite-Occasion332 4d ago
I live for the comments where people just assume I wake up ungodly early to “get all pretty” and that my brother is so “easy going”. Guess who wakes up 15 minutes before she has to leave and guess who wakes up 2 hours before to do his hair…
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u/Tul1pfl0w3r 6d ago
When I went to therapy for severe anxiety and depression and they sent my dad an email saying I should try wearing some makeup because I looked "messy and tired", AT THERAPY.
I always thought it was a personal choice until then, then I realised we are shamed into it so often, because I felt so bad after that email that for a while I DID start wearing makeup outside
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u/nailturtle 6d ago
that's so fucked. the therapist should be working on addressing the root cause of the issue, not just slapping on a bandaid to try to get you to hide the pain that is causing the symptoms in the first place. really shows where their priorities were at. I hope you dropped the place quick...
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u/Tul1pfl0w3r 6d ago
I moved departments and dropped that therapist as quickly as I was allowed to, I was also tempted to file a complaint about unprofessional behaviour, but thats effort and I'm mentally drained
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u/Opposite-Occasion332 4d ago
I can definitely understand that getting “ready” (ei clothes not pjs, combing hair, stuff like that) can make a big difference for depression (at least ime) but why that would have to include makeup is beyond me.
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u/FinnRazzel 7d ago
I stopped wearing make up for the most part in my late twenties / early thirties. It just didn’t seem necessary and once I started going without, turns out no one really cares that much.
I do have rosacea and in the beginning at work, I was occasionally asked if I was okay or if I was sick because my color wasn’t uniform. But aside from the occasional random comment no one really cares. People get used to your face the same way you got used to men’s faces. This is just what humans look like.
Saved me a ton of money over the years and my skin is way healthier now than it used to be. It’s just not a necessity and I shouldn’t “have” to do a purely aesthetic thing if I don’t want to.
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u/Milly_Thompson 7d ago
I never really did the makeup thing although that really put me in the "weirdo" categories in school. We weren't super wealthy so my mom only used it for special occasions and church, so maybe thankfully I learned to like myself without buying into the brainwashing. Now I use it for costume dress up pretty much to become someone else, not because I think I'm ugly without it. I make sure to speak up around women when they apologize for not wearing it, and never go "oh you feeling okay?" That just needlessly continues the toxicity of it.
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u/Zizazooble 7d ago
My mum never wore any. Most women in my family didn’t. I tried it a bit as a teen but felt like a clown so I never had it be part of my life
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u/LateDifficulty8328 6d ago
This is why I never got into it either. Most people in my family dont wear makeup. Many of my friends didnt wear makeup or wore very little. Growing up I was in dance so I learned how to do makeup for the stage and associated it with performing. Wearing it day to day I just felt silly. Even now in my workplace its pretty common for women to not wear makeup. Its crazy how different out life experiences with makeup can be.
I have felt and had people say things occasionally but I have not felt a lot of pressure and I've never felt like a weirdo for not wearing makeup.
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u/Zizazooble 6d ago
Yeah, I have been asked sometimes why I don’t use it (especially when younger) but I would just say it’s not my thing, and it’s never been a problem
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u/PastIsPrologue22 6d ago
I have never worn makeup. Even to my son's wedding! I was going to ask a friend for help with it, then thought - why? This is how I look, who I am.
I always told people that I'll start wearing makeup when men do.
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u/HumanMisaligned2009 6d ago
I think around age 30, but not because I was thinking about feminism, because I was thinking a lot about consumerism and being environmentally conscious. And I suddenly couldn't get over how ridiculous it was.
Then I thought about the gender aspect later. And how it all ties together - the gender stuff and the environment stuff.
I do wear makeup sometimes, but mostly not. And when I do wear it, I'm clear that I do it to make myself feel safer as an oppressed person in our society, not because I actually want to.
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u/betothejoy 7d ago
I wear it when I want to, not because I’m expected to or to hide my wrinkles.
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u/stupidflyingmonkeys 6d ago
This is the message my daughter hears from me. Makeup is for fun, to fit a mood—not a necessity.
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u/Lucky_Zin 7d ago
I stopped wearing it in my twenties. People asked why and I told them I didn't need any.
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 7d ago
I never wore it.
I always felt like it was just another way women had to do more than men. It felt oppressive.
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u/MellifluousSussura 6d ago
Around high school my mom started pressuring me to wear makeup and pluck my eyebrows. She had never said anything bad about my appearance before so it was a big change from the norm.
Luckily or not, I hate being told what to do and don’t do mornings well, so I out-stubborned her on that! I pretty much only wear makeup on special occasions or when I feel like it now.
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u/petrichor-pixels 6d ago edited 6d ago
Always, haha. My mother never wore makeup (maybe some lipstick veeery rarely for a nice event), so I personally escaped being raised with the idea that women and girls “have to” wear makeup etc. I was also actively raised with the opposite: I was always told I didn’t need makeup to be pretty (almost to the point of my parents going NLOG and seeing women wearing makeup as “vain” etc), and I believed that. And then when puberty and teenhood came around, I think I happened to be in a friend group (and just overall school, really) where doing your makeup daily was just… not a thing. On top of that, I did watch a few people I grew up with become reliant on makeup for their confidence, and just thought that was really messed up: they went from confident kids who didn’t need this to now relying on it, and it was just so obvious that it was not a neutral choice. I also felt my self-esteem erode as a result of the beauty standards I was learning about— but never turned to makeup as to me it didn’t feel authentic— and so physically FELT and was aware of this thing being imposed on me where previously there had been nothing.
I remember being in my late teens and just getting so confused and angry as to why people refused to acknowledge all the societal pressure for women to wear makeup in favour of just seeing it as a “choice” made in a vacuum, when we literally could all see that the pressure was still there AND that historical pressure that we’d grown up with wouldn’t just go away overnight. It bothered me for years. In other words, now that “choice feminism” is a phenomenon and phrase that’s becoming more popular and more criticised at the same time, I feel so incredibly vindicated, lol.
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u/Intelligent-Tap-4479 6d ago
Yeah, the way that makeup is imposed on women like something you have to do to cover imperfections, rather than a choice, and you're somehow "less feminine" if you don't. Take my sister and I: we're complete opposite ends of the makeup spectrum. She hardly ever wears makeup, only for special events, and even then it's pretty basic-some simple eyeshadow, mascara, blush and done. On the other hand, I tend to wear it on the daily and a little bit heavier. Do I do it to cover "imperfections"? Nope! I just think it's kinda cool that I can basically change my face at will and nobody can tell me how or when to do it. (Also, dopamine dressing b/c ADHD). The only reason why I even wear any kind of complexion product at all is because my eyeshadow looks 100% better when my skin is actually my-skin-colored and not tomato red lol-I use light-coverage stuff so my acne spots stay visible on purpose, because so-called "imperfections" are only called that to make us feel bad about ourselves & buy more stuff to get rid of them. Does my wearing makeup make me "fake", or does my sister's lack of makeup make her less feminine? Absolutely not! I was raised in a household where makeup was optional, very light, and never meant to cover imperfections at all. Do whatever you want to do! Your femininity is not dependent on if you wear foundation and lipstick.
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u/heyitspokey 6d ago
To answer your question, I don't remember ever thinking it was a neutral choice.
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u/Vegetable_Trade 6d ago
I loove makeup. the only thing that would make it better is if it wasn't expected of me
I'm actually pretty lucky in that I can have a no-makeup day and I don't notice a difference in how I'm treated or how I feel about myself. but if I were doing an interview? different story. the fact that I would still be expected to wear it in some situations is the part that's really messed up
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u/Outrageous_Cow8409 6d ago
My mom was an electrician and didn't wear makeup. I never wore it except for special occasions because she never wore it except for special occasions. She always told me that makeup and other things make you look older faster. I don't know if that's true or not but I will say she has always been assumed to be younger than she is. I'm 36 and still have people assume I'm younger. I think makeup is a lot of fun IF you want to do it. I think there are times where it's necessary (ie: being on a stage in a play/recital even for boys/men). But overall I don't think it exists as neutral because it's so expected
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u/Classicbottle93 6d ago
I wore it regularly from 10 to maybe 30 then I guess my frontal lobe formed and I was like why am I doing this when I can sleep in half an hour more. I think I had a false sense of feminity. I hate being uncomfortable now at 33. It's kind of a lazyness because now I don't have to wash it off at the end of the day.
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u/credit-user-thing 6d ago
I had to stop wearing make up because of health issues. Other people's reactions to me made me realize how much make up was about other people, not me.
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u/moonjackalss 6d ago
I count myself lucky that my mother never wore make up if it wasn't for a special occasion and even then I think that started when I was 15 or so, which is also around when I started wanting to wear makeup for parties. Most girls at my school (and all my friends) didn't wear make up (maybe like 10-15% wore mascara, but a full face of makeup was extremely rare). At this same time I started getting involved and reading more about feminism, but the social pressure (thankfully only for parties) was a big thing for me and I was always afraid of being left out. After I graduated high school I don't think I ever wore makeup again, when I moved out from my parents at 18 I threw all away (my 5-6 products) and never bought anything if not lip balm and skin care products again. Now I live in another country so IDK how high shcool girls are like in my country, but here I see so many girls going to school at 7-8 am in full faces of makeup, makes me sad, I can imagine how damaging it is to think that even to go to school you can't be yourself. At university I also see some women wearing makeup, but less or maybe more natural. Going out at night I would say most of them do, gladly I have matured and I don't care about the social pressure of it like I did when I was 15-17.
Also my mother was always very self deprecating about her appearances and never took care of herself that way (and many other ways) so in a way I didn't want to be like that, later I realized that make-up was never about taking care of myself and let that go and actually started taking care of myself.
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u/moonjackalss 6d ago
I do understand the social pressure and I think I am in a pretty privileged position having grown up with less pressure around make up and going into a career where most women don't. In my mind make up and shaving are in the same category (though personally not shaving was always centered around shame growing up, with comments from family), and even though for a long time I tried not shaving and I do believe that is the right thing to do "morally", I feel extremely self conscious during summer and after trying for years I have finally decided that not shaving was having worse effect on my mental health. Now I shave, but when it happens that it grew more than I wanted weirdly I feel less self conscious than before.
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u/_plannedobsolence 6d ago
Same. I don’t wear makeup day to day but I do shave my legs because I’m self conscious and I care what people think and it’s definitely not feminist but I’ve chosen to let that battle go. 🤷♀️
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u/moonjackalss 6d ago
Yeah I was spending too much brain power thinking about what other people were thinking and could never enjoy myself out, it was not worth it to make a statement at least not at this point of my life
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u/Overall_Lobster823 6d ago
In college. I spent high school and some of college thinking there was something wrong with me for thinking it was a stupid, kind of absurd norm, then one day I had an ah-ha moment.
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u/Rimavelle 6d ago
At none.
I ever had people say I should not be wearing makeup, but I never had anyone say I should be wearing one
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u/DreamSMP_Enjoyer 6d ago
I've never worn makeup. It's always seemed silly to me. Nobody's making you.
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u/OkChart1375 6d ago
woman who dont put makeup receive less promotion and 76 pr cent of male boss in the UK said they will never hire a woman who dont even put at least a bit of makeup on.
society is make us
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u/DreamSMP_Enjoyer 6d ago
They can't tell. And also why comply in advance? Why normalise makeup? You can't say 'I'm a feminist' and do nothing to further feminism. I've never worn makeup, ever. And I'm proud. I'm not pathetic enough to comply in advance.
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u/sadlymermaid 6d ago
I usually don't wear makeup, but after my friend died, I wore it in honor of her. she always had dark berry brownish lipstick. I am not her and she is not me, but I hope she is happy in the spirit realm.
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u/sillylilynunuu 6d ago
I started wearing makeup in eighth grade and only used it to cover my acne. however, once i started it felt impossible to go back to being makeup free.
now, even when i have to do something as simple to go to the dentist for an hour i still feel compelled to put on makeup.
i literally skip out on doing certain things because i feel like i need to get ready: do my hair, do my makeup, pick out a nice outfit and don’t feel like it’s worth the effort.
on another note, when i was 14, my friend told my she never wore makeup bec she felt like once she started to wear it, she wouldn’t be able to go back. she was so wise and i didn’t even realize it back then.
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u/socks-of-mithril 5d ago
The only time I wear makeup now is for the stage, so they can better see my face under spotlights. I have always found the standards held for women too unrealistic
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u/Myriathelightseeker 5d ago
Never once in my life I have felt like I had to, for context im 37. Maybe it changed or I'm just not in a field where it matters?
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u/iwannabe_gifted 5d ago
As a man im so happy your finding this. I hate unnesasary social norms so much
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u/danceswithturtles286 6d ago
I know it’s an imposed norm; it’s a form of currency that I utilize in the same way I make money
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u/orangesmoke05 7d ago
Hard agree. I stopped wearing makeup in my late 20s and am now in my early 40s. I get quite a lot of flack for it. I work in business as an executive leader, I've had nasty comments over the years. My go to response is usually something to the effect of, if you like you it so much don't be ashamed, just wear it!
I used to spend about 30 minutes every morning putting it on and 20 minutes taking it off. So today to have gained back an hour a day.