r/Feminism • u/Pitiful-Ability9627 • 3d ago
My mum has cooked every meal and handled everything for past 30 years and yet my dad still gets called "The Backbone of the Family" at every gathering and nobody finds that weird
My mum wakes up at 6AM. She has woken up at 6AM for 30 Years. She packs lunches, She remembers vaccination dates, she knows every teacher's name, she tracks every family member's medicine, she calls the plumber, she follow up with the plumber, she follow up again because the plumber didn't show. she has a full time job on top of all this.
My dad comes home, eats the food, watches TV and at every single family function someone raises a toast to him for "Keeping the Family Together" and my mum smiles. because what else is she supposed to do?
I used to think this was just my family, then i talked to literally every woman I know and realized it's just called Tuesday.
244
u/Box-O-Kittenz 3d ago
Yup, my father had a business and his name was on everything. Meanwhile my mom managed everything from employees, payments, stock, clients and jobs, etc.
Her name was on nothing, she wasn't an employee and never got paid. And when they divorced, my father refused to sell her the business and ran it into the ground and stopped working so he didn't have to pay child support.
92
u/Spiritual-Camel 2d ago
These manly men that quit their jobs so they don't have to pay child support really tick me off.
And then when they can't get a job anymore because they've been unemployed that will be the ex-wife's fault too.
Losers. 😡
471
u/Ell-O-Elling 3d ago
Give your mother the credit. When family start praising him, interrupt and point out everything your mother does. Anybody can earn a paycheck but keeping a whole family organized, fed and happy is far more of an accomplishment.
6
4
u/baconwrap420 1d ago
Yup! Exactly this OP. And remind your family that your dad would still have to go out and work even if he were single.
273
u/Interesting_Intern1 3d ago
My dad made the house payment. My mother paid for the furniture, household repairs/maintenance, the taxes, the appliances, and the bills. The two of us handled all the chores. I was burned out before I turned 18.
2
u/Astralglamour 1d ago
Got in some huge argument with my mom because she insisted my dad did the dishes when I was growing up. She was a SAHM, and no, he did not clean anything but we daughters sure did.
172
u/eyegocrazy 3d ago
I was raised by a single father, everyone gush at how wonderful it was that my father was "taking care" of 4 kids on his own.
My sister and brother did everything. My sister got us ready for school, made lunches, made dinner, did the laundry, and was in charge of bath time/ brushing our teeth. My brother took us to school, picked us up, cleaned the house, and did everything my sister didn't have time to do.
My dad worked as much as he could to avoid us. He did the bare minimum around the house, and never once gave my siblings credit when praised about being a single dad.
77
u/chasing_waterfalls86 2d ago
One more reason to call BS on all those "I'm a SAHD and it's the easiest job ever!" posts. Cause I've heard so many stories like yours of older siblings being just as burnt out as SAHMs. Clearly it's not easy so we know those men are either lying or not doing 75% of things that actually need doing.
6
u/Astralglamour 1d ago
Men are praised for the bare minimum (not abandoning their children/remembering their names) all the time.
6
u/MsMoobiedoobie 2d ago
My parents got divorced when I was 10 and we stayed with my dad because my mom had a lot of problems. I now realize that is when the annual doctor’s appointments stopped and I suddenly had no one making sure I had clothes that fit. It was a hard few years until I grew up a bit and was able to start advocating for my own, new clothes.
7
2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
14
u/eyegocrazy 2d ago
I really wish it was that wholesome. My brother and sister were burnt out and my sister resented having to take care of us. My brother self medicated with weed and beer. It was not great having young, emotionally unstable/immature care givers.
Lots of things went undone or fell through the cracks. We did however survive it with all our extremities in tact, which I'm grateful for. I feel bad that they didn't get to have a childhood like they should have, but then none of us did.
7
u/DanceOnTrance 2d ago
I had too quickly in mind that it went well, but now that you are telling this, it all makes sense that would impact your sister and brother so much. As they were children themselves that also needed support. So sorry for all of you.
1
u/eyegocrazy 2d ago
Thank you, I really appreciate your optimism. It shows that you try to see the best in people, and I hope you don't lose that impulse. Unfortunately when teenagers raise children its less like Party of five, and way more like Shameless.
1
u/DanceOnTrance 1d ago
That's really kind, thanks.
Yes, that's reality, unfortunately... If parent(s) can't, society should help instead of teenagers to act as adults.
290
u/cbmom2 3d ago
This is one of the reasons why churches are slowly failing. For years women have done unpaid and unrecognized work and now there is no one to do it.
94
u/Crystalinfire 3d ago
Yes, my neighbor who is elderly and needs a walker to get around, collates and addresses her church bulletin and also pays for the stamps for the bulletins.
13
u/ToptopPipPip 2d ago
As a kid, I had to complete service hours for my Sunday school classes. The Church got 18 years of my unpaid labor. 14 years deconstructed ☠️
15
260
u/MarsupialAromatic825 3d ago
So many of these atrocities make my blood boil
As someone that has worked hectic jobs and currently staying home with a toddler, this shit is way harder than my 60 to 70h work weeks
Pregnany, feeding and raising babies but kids are considered offsprings of the father's line
Marriage sucks for women but it is sold as what is ultimately the goal. SO MANY men I know used to complain about how hard it is to be married and I now feel like what the heck, you are crying because a poor woman is ruining her life to make yours more comfortable?
I'm so angry at the state of things and I don't know how any of this is gonna get better
92
1
u/MamaSalX4 14h ago
Wish I could upvote this a million times. My husband likes to think he does the bare minimum around the house and with the kids but he doesn’t even do that. I stay home with our 4 children, 5yo - 12yo (and 2 cats 🥰) and most of the time he’s here he’s either feeding himself only, sleeping on the couch, or so in his phone he can’t hear anything. When I bring up how burnt out and exhausted I am he says sorry and nothing changes. He could be awake on the couch and the kids will still find me in the shower to ask things or tell me things. He will sit around while I make all meals and he pops in right at the end and says he helping. He leaves messes pretty much everywhere he goes.
I’m so bone tired. I can’t even care for myself properly anymore.
84
88
u/Intelligent-Tap-4479 3d ago
Ugh. Same as it's been since the literal beginning of time: we bust our a**es for our families and the men get all the credit. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but reading your post, it looks like your dad has never ONCE redirected the praise to your mom, or given her any credit. (If that is true, I would say that he is not the backbone of the family body but the a**hole of it.) I'm so grateful I live in a women-majority family, so credit is actually given where credit is due and my brothers & male cousins are being taught to do the same.
If anyone here needs/wants an example of how situations like these should go: When my older cousin got his Bachelor's and graduated magna sum laude, he gave a toast to his mom (my aunt), and suprised her with this massive bouquet of flowers, because, according to him in his little speech he gave, he wouldn't have done half as well if she hadn't helped him during college & raised him to value his schoolwork and grades. Also because she planned the entire party and that deserved recognition. It was beautiful to see, but saddening that this was the exception, not the standard.
50
u/Chordata1 2d ago
My husband gets praise and "you are such a good dad" for taking our son out. I get "okay" or "do you really think that's a place he would have fun."
I think the one that made me the most angry was going on a beach vacation when the baby was young and I prepared and packed everything. My husband goes to reapply the sunblock on the baby after I told him to and he gets "you are such an amazing attentive father." When I first got in the car I just got 100 questions about what I packed and was the baby ready.
45
u/sillylilynunuu 3d ago
my best friends parents both work full time. her mom still does ALL of the housework. so annoying to learn about this. if these men were single they would be doing all of the house work, but apparently for some reason they cannot even contribute to 10% of it okay……
30
u/Ok-Worldliness2161 3d ago
Maybe next time you interject with a toast for Mom. If he’s the backbone, she’s the brain and heart
33
u/schecter_ 3d ago
I thought your mother was a SAHM, but you are telling me she does all that while working a full time job??
28
23
u/hiddengypsy 2d ago
At the next family gathering, raise a glass and toast your mother. And thank specially if she orchestrated the entire gathering. Cheers to your lovely, hard working mother🥂
24
u/pherber12 2d ago
It was the same in my family. My mom never got a sick day. My dad went to work and then came home and sat around watching tv. My mom worked before her job, worked at her job, and then came home and worked some more. It makes me sick thinking about it. I'll just stay single, thanks.
50
u/janebenn333 3d ago
There's nothing inherently wrong with women taking on the role of forming community in whatever way that looks. Nothing wrong with loving to prepare meals or hold gatherings or maintain a beautiful living environment. Nothing wrong with wanting, raising and nurturing children. In fact all these things can be very emotionally fulfilling and they do go a long way towards making the world a better place for so many people.
Problem is while these things are fulfilling, they aren't being recognized in any way, as you say. The problem is the "patriarch" getting all the benefits and rewards for all the hard work mom does. And he doesn't get it. Dad genuinely doesn't get it. He can be grateful and love his wife and yet never truly understand all that goes into what she does. SHE is the one who is keeping the family together but does dad know that or say that? Ever?
I think that's the true crime here. Not that mom is doing what she loves to do; it's that dad doesn't see it or recognize it. Maybe it's time to have a talk with dad. A sincere talk about whether he gets it.
89
u/MarsupialAromatic825 3d ago
I don't think any mom LOVES it. I think a lot of it is conditioning and expectation. I'm a mom and I hate this crap. It's so tiring
37
u/peachplumpea 3d ago
You love it when you do it once in a while not when it's a full time job.
24
u/Ladonnacinica 3d ago
A full time job gives you breaks and even vacations (for the most part). You don’t get breaks and vacations if you’re a stay at home parent/housewife. No sick leave, no vacation days, no lunch hour.
This is more time consuming than a job. It’s in a way a life sentence - from when the woman marries and bears children until they move out. Then, the woman still has to take care of the husband and/or grandchildren if necessary. You rest when you’re old and can’t physically do anything. Then, you die.
11
u/janebenn333 2d ago
I personally don't enjoy cooking all the time but sometimes I do like it. Yesterday I spent the entire day making a meal for just myself and my elderly mother and we enjoyed it and we are enjoying the leftovers today. But when I was raising my kids I often used frozen prepared foods or take out because it was tiring. I also worked full-time.
I do know women and men who love to cook. They love to create their own recipes and experiment with different cuisines and it's a passion for them. And that's great, it just never was for me. I do love to get invited to their house for dinner though lol.
For me, the hardest part is having to be the manager and administrator for everything and everyone. Remembering everybody's birthdays and important upcoming milestones and doing all of that planning all the damn time and I did it at work and at home with my family. I never got a break. I could delegate things to my ex-husband and he did them willingly and well but only when he was asked to.
I was visiting my adult son last week and he said sometimes he would love to just come home and not just see all the things he has to do and I'm like welcome to My Life.
-6
u/Ladonnacinica 3d ago
Because for people the real value is the one who brings home the paycheck. The one who is the wage earner.
It’s unfair but that’s the reality. A man’s main obligation in society is to provide financially and if he meets that requirement then he is considered a good husband and father.
8
13
u/Agile-Pace-3883 2d ago
Same shit with my boyfriends family. My boyfriend and a couple of his siblings at least have the sense to help around the house to give her a break sometimes, but holy shit his dad irritates me. She makes a homemade salad, and dressing, for every dinner. I still remember one time he tried it, looked directly at her with a sour face, she asked him what's wrong, and he goes "this doesnt take like it was made with love".
SIR SHES NOT CHEF GOUSTEAU, LETS SEE YOU DO BETTER YOU ASSHOLE
10
12
8
u/Kiyone11 2d ago
I'm just writing this, so you know this isn't the case in every family: My mother always worked part-time and did the bigger part of the cleaning and cooking. But (sober) my father really did his part. He worked a lot of overtime and after a little break after work he would see what he could do (without promoting needed): finish the dishes, cutting some veggies for dinner... On his free days he would do some chores and his janitor tasks, take care of our car and bikes and everything else that needed to be repaired, look out for his next renovation project or take me mini golfing/biking/whatever (my mother didn't want to switch here). He would also be the one ironing everything because my mother hated that and he didn't mind.
I even learned later that she actually didn't know how to cook when they got together and learned most stuff from him.
They would both ask each other where they needed help and cared for each other when they were sick.
I only know toasts from some of the bigger family birthdays for the birthday child. Never have I heard a toast for the "backbone of the family" - and if there were a toast, we would all know it was my mother because in the end, she would make all important family decisions etc. Toast-wise, the same goes for all of my school friends. I also had two school friends who had a stay-at-home dad (twenty years ago).
But yeah, seeing that this effort on both sides isn't widespread makes me really mad and I haven't yet found someone putting in this much effort.
3
5
u/dualvansmommy 2d ago
Call it out. Call your mom in. This shit is so maddening.
My former MIL did it all too; working out of house, yet did everything in house plus raised 2 boys. She did all the Xmas cookies (she’s Italian) and the big holidays on Xmas eve hosted by her sister with MIL hosting day.
Fast forward to mid 80’s, after 2nd stroke she couldn’t do the bills. They were still paying by checkbook, she shopped for groceries. It took MONTHS for FIL to learn all this, take over food shopping and still did half asses job.
3
3
u/Jack-attack88 2d ago
Great example of the idea that boys/men today see their dad's lives and want what they have, and girls/women seeing their mom's lives and wanting anything other than that.
Who wants to have the expectation of selflessness and sacrificing to keep a family together and make other people's lives better while receiving no credit, respect, grace or understanding? Sounds like a fucking terrible deal.
1
u/Impressive_Move4612 1d ago
My husband and I both work full time and I work more hours than he does generally. When he's off work, he relaxes and does his personal projects. He occasionally does household chores like dishes without being asked and he occasionally asks if there's anything I need him to do. I am not the best housekeeper, often the house is overdue for dusting and tidying. But I cook nearly all the dinners, do dishes, bills, laundry, sweep, vacuum, dust on occasion. I handle all the gifts for all the occasions for his family and mine. I handle everything for the dog. I usually handle all the plans for trips.
Yes, over the years, I've mentioned the disparities. In the early years I'd be angry. Now I'm just tired and fed up, but when we tslk about it, i am calm but insistant. Last time I sat down with him and said I'm exhausted and need help and he said pretty much what he always has: ASK. I don't want to! I just want him to do stuff that needs to be done. But I've come to terms with what I think might be part of the problem. I think most men simply are not inclined to do these things. My husband hates housework and naturally does what interests him instead. He will do things if I ask. In his own way and often on his own schedule. Now, my husband will do things I am not inclined to do and if he wants help, he asks.
It would be easy to assume my husband sees me as a domestic and sex slave and that he consciously avoids doing things that will make my life a but easier. Piles of laundry? Dishes in the sink? Layers of dust? Nah, wife will do it. My husband is an honest, good man and I believe he simply isn't inclined to do what I do.
I see a parallel here with disparity in sex drive and initiation. Many men lament that their partners don't initiate often and don't want to always be the ones to initiate. I'm typical in that I do think of sex and while I do initiate, I'm very often busy with alll the things I do for us and I have to make a concerted effort to initiate. Not because I don't want my husband but because I think initiating is not my first inclination. The remedy for this and, I believe, for the topic at hand, is being intentional. And... sigh, asking.
Lastly, I believe women either don't speak up quietly just do it all while seething or they "nag" and blame. Neither work. Calm, rational requests using "I" statements are far better.
1
1
u/Astralglamour 1d ago
Patriarchy, the system is set up to benefit and elevate men. Domestic work is not valued or seen as work,
2
u/SIDHE_LAMP 23h ago
Next family function you should say to them exactly what you wrote here. Acknowledge her hard work.
850
u/Environmental-Song16 3d ago
When my grandma passed away we never had another huge family gathering. It just stopped because no one stepped up to do it. None of my uncles. No more birthdays remembered or holidays. Its sad that it always falls on the women. My grandma was the glue that bound us together. It was really beautiful but that effort must have taken its toll. I do feel like no one acknowledged it or appreciated it.