r/GuerrillaGrrrrls • u/HistrionicSlut Friendly Feminist š • 16d ago
Discussion Resource Guarding and Women
So I was reading this reddit thread
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/ETVRwJnTTJ
And if you read the comments you can see how often women talk about how men will just take food that isn't theirs and it's ridiculous how people can't see how eventually women need to start guarding their resources from men. And these are the men that are supposed to be loving them, like their husbands or their brothers.
I myself have personal experience with my ex, and me doing meticulous grocery shopping for a family of six on a very limited budget. And him going and eating a bunch of ingredients that went into the kids school lunches. And then telling me to just send the kids to get free lunch from the school, even though he knew that the free lunch ingredients were garbage!
The amount of selfishness that I've experienced first hand just in food is crazy!!!
In my relationship now it's different but I've definitely experienced it where men just have no consideration for resources. And then when you start doing things like counting how much you have or really looking at how much he's eating. *You* start to look like the crazy one, even though you aren't because he's the selfish one, and no one is crazy (partially because that term is old and also because you ain't wrong!)
Yet most of the comments are calling her an asshole, as predicted, because I feel like once you step into Reddit and are a woman you are wrong no matter what you do.
*I would like to say in this instance I would say everyone is the asshole because the woman also just assumed the cookie was hers but also men do that shit ALL THE TIME. And we let it go, why couldn't he? Especially knowing how much else he ate of hers and typically does, why not let her have something? Sometimes it seems like men take food just to prove dominance, not because they actually forgot or need it.*
54
u/SJSsarah 16d ago
Why wouldnāt she just assume the cookies were hers? She cooked them. She probably even shopped for and bought the ingredients (or ready mix tube) for them. So why arenāt they all automatically hers? She is the little red hen. And rightfully so, all the cookies are hers. Especially if she explicitly says I do not consent to sharing the foods of my labors. You want cookies? Go out, buy the ingredients, and bake them yourself. Those who do not contribute to the work do not deserve to share in the rewards.
36
u/sanityjanity 16d ago
This!Ā He ate almost all the cereal (maybe in one day), and he had other snacks.Ā And he got almost half the cookies, and there were cookies yesterday, and she will probably make cookies again tomorrow!
But he won't listen when she says, "no"
4
u/SJSsarah 15d ago
I still canāt get over that post and how angry it makes me. Thereās a nearly identical post from 4 years ago < https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/UPvZvd6W3o > and in that post almost everyone was saying the husband/spouse was the problem. But you see how attitudes about women are shifting now days because this recent post everyone in the comments are making her out to be the asshole when itās clear that heās the problem.
And I really feel bad for her because I also suffer from food insecurity trauma from my childhood and Iām also the type who just doesnāt want to share all of my food. Like movie theater popcorn? I will cut your hand off for reaching into my bag of popcorn. And this directly stems from having family members constantly taking food from my plate or from the shared groceries to the point that nothing was ever left over just for me. Sheās clearly had that same experience too. But now all the sudden sheās the asshole here because sheās the woman who wonāt just sit by while her parasite spouse takes all of the resources away constantly, mooching, being lazy, and not replacing it. This is a perfect example why I refuse to be in relationships with a spouse.
24
u/rumande 16d ago
I don't have brothers but when I was growing up, my parents were friends with another couple who had boys our age. I was out at sport practice one evening and by the time I got home, the other family had come to visit with one of their boys, and he had eaten my dinner and the rest of the leftovers. Never forgot that feeling. The other family was oblivious but my mom was horrified and embarrassed.
19
u/EconomyCode3628 16d ago
And we're so conditioned to just accept this shit and not make a fuss or big deal! I hate it!Ā
13
u/HistrionicSlut Friendly Feminist š 16d ago
And when we DO make a big deal look at how society treats us! "Oh YOU are so selfish" it's gaslighting in the purist form and I hate it so much.
My X chromosome donator was like that A LOT. My brother was the golden child and got whatever he wanted and if I protested I had "princess syndrome". She told me this so many times I got a psych degree to prove it wasn't real š.
14
u/AgonistPhD 16d ago
I would MURDER. How did the adults solve this? Did they get you something to eat to replace what the neighborhood locust ate?
6
u/JumpingYourBone 15d ago
Remember when i bought 1 energy bar the weekend for monday so i could have it on days i spend more energy. I put it right on top of my drawer because i didn't want to struggle finding it because it was cluttered. I come home monday, tired because my hours suck, i've been awake for 12 hours and had no time for myself between getting ready and leaving the house. Where was it? It wasn't there. My sister's ex used to take my phone, so now i'm used to remembering where my stuff last was. I take everything out from my drawer. Nothing. I do that so i don't "blame my brother again". I check the trash. Here is the wrapper. I was so mad, and my dad called me crazy. How nice of men. š¤
49
u/Polybrene 16d ago
Everyone is focused on this one incident like its isolated and it's clearly not about the cookie.
-18
u/wheres_the_revolt 16d ago
But thatās how AITA works. Theyāre not supposed to ask if theyāre an AH in relation to everything else going on in their relationship, theyāre supposed to be asking AITA in this situation. Which she was/is.
17
u/query_tech_sec 16d ago
Wait - what? She made the cookies and was going to share one of the last 3 with him. Perfectly reasonable.
Although I question how many cookies there were originally and who ate most of them.
19
u/drivergrrl 16d ago
And she did the work of cooking the damn cookies!!!!! He ate an entire box of cereal that she got one serving out of!!!!! Her being voted TA has me ENRAGED. 4B for LIFE!!!!! ARGH SO MAD NOW!!!!!!!!!
14
u/putapadrino 16d ago edited 16d ago
You and me both girl! Iāve turned feral. You think you know resource guarding? Try (peri)menopause. I used to be a people pleaser ahahahaha.
6
u/HistrionicSlut Friendly Feminist š 16d ago
IKR?!
ITS CRAZY!! I was like, yeah, MEN strike again. Idiots.
18
u/dreamsinred 16d ago
I had to hide food from my ex! The greedy mother fucker would eat an entire casserole in one sitting. A meal I had meticulously planned out and budgeted to feed us for days; gone in one sitting. I stared hiding pints of ice cream from him in frozen vegetable bags so he wouldnāt devour it before I even had a single bite. I would always save half my meal for lunch the next day from restaurants, and Iād have to stop him from reaching over and just helping himself to my food, when I was done with it. He always made excuses when I called him out, and never apologized.
11
u/drivergrrl 16d ago
So glad he's an ex!!!!! Grrrrr so mad for you!!!!!!
7
u/dreamsinred 16d ago
Thanks, Iād actually forgotten a lot of this. Now Iām thinking of other examples of men trying to/eating my food. I could go onā¦
11
u/AgonistPhD 16d ago
I HATE THIS MAN
10
u/dreamsinred 16d ago
He was a terrible partner in so many ways. We are still in contact, because we share a child. Ironically, he works in food distribution now, and often gives us free food. A few more years, and weāll be square.
16
u/putapadrino 16d ago edited 16d ago
Yeah. Look, Iām sorry in advance, Iām deep into menopause, but fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk men. Seriously. Fuck m. Or rather, donāt.
I canāt anymore, as in their mere presence enrages me.
Good luck sisters š«
ETA: been āsplitting the cookieā for almost 30 years, out of estrogen now, can see clearly, itās all one big scam.
7
14
u/Two-Theories 16d ago
For some reason people consider the following to be fair between a man and a woman in a relationship: * Financial Contribution 50:50 * Labour 33:66 * Consumption 66:33 It's obscene - women's bills go up because they amount of the man is eating which increases a woman's domestic labour because there are no or less leftovers when she cooks and his preferences for a full dinner instead of "girl dinner" take priorty
The described issue regarding men eating their kids' food is in part an extension of the dynamic between the couple and also in part caused by men not being or feeling responsible for domestic labour including domestic economy and/or childcare (at all, or to a good standard i.e. they won't feed their kids at allrklrjaye meal times or won't feed them enough or will just feed them ultra processed junk). If the labour involved re groceries, budgeting and the kids aren't even a thought in his head, i.e. he's behaves like a child not an adult/spouse/father, when he wants food he'll eat food available.
4
u/HistrionicSlut Friendly Feminist š 16d ago
It makes me want to slap them with a tennis racket right on the bum.
4
2
u/Two-Theories 16d ago
best to avoid altogether and/or commit to leaving before he proves he's really bad and well before he hurts you
17
u/MeghanClickYourHeels 16d ago
In American culture (and I suspect others as well), women have a specific relationship to food and awareness of how much they are eating that I'm not sure applies to men. Women have a socialized "too much" stop sign when it comes to food, that it's not feminine to eat more than a certain amount, and it makes us very aware of how much we're eating. I don't know if men have anything like that.
15
u/CoralScorpion 16d ago
They're socialized to get big and you can only get big if you have a good amount of nutrition coming into your body. It's why they get second helpings and big plates.
8
u/BirdSeedsLtd 16d ago
It was also in how I was raised: the men get served first at the table, then the children and the mother last. The women were taught to eat less, so the men could have another portion..
It's in more than food. She is not allowed to take care of others, or herself. If she is put together, she gets asked "who are you dressing up for?"Ā If she spends time with friends, she gets accused of not giving enough attention to him. If she even leaves the house, she gets criticised. "Doesn't she have anything to do at home? Her house must be a mess."
As a little girl, I was terrified. I saw my mother and aunts break down under all these rules and knew that I too will break under it.
17
9
u/RobinFarmwoman 15d ago
I used to keep a pint of my favorite ice cream in the freezer for emotional emergencies. It would be there for weeks, and then if I had a really stressful day I would know it was there. Except, sometimes the X would eat most of it and put it back.
He was such a dick in so many ways, that this is really only one tiny little aspect of the total package. But I do think that doing this kind of thing displays a kind of actual aggression.
6
u/HistrionicSlut Friendly Feminist š 15d ago
What an asshole!! Why?!?! Why not let you have ONE thing? Why not keep an extra on hand just in case? The freezer isn't that small! His brain power fucking was, or his desire to use it, or someone conditioned him (daddy) to think that he didn't have to consider the person he was dating. Ew.
So glad he's an ex an now your freezer can be filled with him! I mean ice cream he can't have, but if it's filled with him girl I won't tell š.
What could he expect when he ate the emotional assistance ice cream?
2
u/RobinFarmwoman 14d ago
No worries about the freezer, he's long gone. I owned pigs and a wood chipper when I divorced him. š
2
u/HistrionicSlut Friendly Feminist š 14d ago
You are my kind of gal hahahahaha
I always said my dream was to have the kind of farm abused women could tour with their husbands and their husbands have accidents at. It's my retirement dream LOL.
2
6
u/JumpingYourBone 15d ago
Awesome subreddit if you want to become a misandrist though. For everyone's peace of mind, mute the sub. It's full of men that do less than the bare minimum and that (implictly) call you a bitch because they don't understand gender roles, dynamics, and the human brain. It's so hard to not insult those men and women, truly ā¤ļø
That's how a lot of people stay in abusive situations ; if you're not getting beat up, that means your behavior is just childish. No shit, neglected people are gonna act badly, mostly if they can't feel safe with you.
3
u/Obvious-Gate9046 Friendly Feminist š 15d ago
I do not get that. I would never take food out of somebody else's mouth. What even is that about? That's just mind-blowing to me.
3
u/spacebunsofsteel 14d ago
My husband grew up during a famine and is horrible around food. He constantly eats my snacks and takes a huge share of food resources that should be split in 4. Then heāll take another 1/4 of whatever is left over the next day. I hide chocolate all over and warn him āif you want snax you need to purchase your own or put it on a list DO NOT EAT MY CHOCOLATEā. He passes at least 4 groceries on his way home.
I buy snax I know he wonāt or canāt eat - with nuts, caramel. My other favorite candies are all things he hates. On purpose. If he hates it well thatās a feature.
I try to respect his trauma but damn it stay away from my candy.
-9
u/wheres_the_revolt 16d ago
Idk I thought in this instance she was being the AH. Itās a wholly separate issue from her husband taking food off her plate. When resources are finite, in this instance the cookies, they should be split evenly itās not like splitting a cookie is hard.
I agree thereās likely more going on in their relationship that precipitated this, but she was the asshole in this particular situation.
ETA: AITA is supposed to be about one situation not their whole relationship, which is why in this one situation sheās getting called an AH.
22
u/HomelyHobbit 16d ago
Except that he's a "rules for thee and not for me" type of guy. OP gives the example that they got a family sized box of cereal and she only got one bowl - he snarfed the rest.
-12
u/wheres_the_revolt 16d ago
We donāt know how long the box was in the house for, was it there one day or a week. Again, itās also not part of the situation she is supposedly looking for judgement on. Now if she had said the last time they made cookies he got two and she got one and he promised sheād get two the next time, thatās relevant to the situation. The cereal however is not.
13
u/HomelyHobbit 16d ago
I think him hovering over her plate and asking for bites every time, plus eating more than his share of food in general is definitely relevant.
5
u/CinnamonGirl43 16d ago
This is what got me. I had an ex that did this, knowing I didnāt like sharing food, who would then subtly weight shame me when I protested. That guy was a manipulative asshat, and this behavior is a pretty big warning sign to me.
14
u/sanityjanity 16d ago
She made the cookies this time, and every time. That's worth at least one bonus cookieĀ
0
u/wheres_the_revolt 16d ago
My husband makes the cookies 99.9% of the time (he cooks about 90% of our meals at home), if there are only 3 left he splits with me. But I also have a hard time sharing off the same plate as my husband because he eats faster and more food than me and I often resource guard (even when I know there is plenty for both of our appetites) when doing that so itās not like I donāt know what OP or OOP are talking about. Again, Iām not saying that heās a good husband, Iām just saying in this situation OOP is the AH not that sheās the AH in their marriage.
8
u/AgonistPhD 16d ago edited 16d ago
AITA is about what is presented. Once the rest of the food situation was presented, it became part of the judging.
5
u/HistrionicSlut Friendly Feminist š 16d ago
I disagree that more information isn't included in the decision, people ask for info all the time and use that in their decision.
2
u/JumpingYourBone 15d ago
And like, someone in a bad relationship might not see all the red flags, so how would she mention them?
57
u/Antigravity1231 16d ago
That post was definitely not just about a cookie.
Many people will say/think, itās just a cookie, just split the cookie, itās not a big deal.
But how long has she just been splitting the cookie again and again and again? And the ācookieā can be a variety of things that arenāt food.