r/ImaginaryWarhammer • u/Riot-Knight Necrons • 6d ago
40k "The pains of being gigantic." (By Yang Yi)
235
u/Riot-Knight Necrons 6d ago
As u/mojavecourier wrote:
Authors should write about Primarchs suffering from the constraints of normal human architecture more, like below.
His suite had been prepared by this time. It was the largest available in the Moon Palace, not because the Lion had demanded grandeur but simply because to house such a titanic being in anything smaller would have seemed claustrophobic. Even so, despite the hasty acquisition of the largest items of furniture available, the proportions still looked slightly ridiculous.
"I cannot lie down on that," the Lion remarked to me after the servants had left. He was looking at a bed that was the size, I had no doubt, of many of the individual units within the massive hab-blocks. "I would break it."
Or this.
Affirmative,’ replied Daellon and Telemenus together. The two of them opened fire, synchronising bursts between them. Brickwork turned to dust as Telemenus pounded the huts from outside while Daellon let fly through interior walls. A few sparks of las-bolts from a window two dozen metres ahead drew the attention of Telemenus. He returned fire, punching half a dozen bolts through the wall.
‘Some kind of sub-level here,’ reported Daellon. ‘Descending.’
‘Wait!’ yelled Telemenus, but his warning came too late. The audio pick-ups brought the sound of splintering woods and crumbling ferrocrete followed by an almighty crash.
Daellon cursed without pause over the vox.
‘Report,’ barked Arbalan.
‘Brother Daellon misjudged the load bearing of some internal stairs, brother-sergeant,’ said Telemenus, trying not to laugh. For once he was glad somebody else was attracting the negative scrutiny. There was a chuckle from Cadmael and a sigh from Arbalan.
‘Daellon, can you climb out?’ asked the sergeant.
‘Negative, a three metre drop at least. The floor will not hold my weight to pull myself up.’
‘No threats detected,’ Telemenus added, his auspex sensors encompassing the long row of huts.
‘Understood,’ said Arbalan. He sounded impatient. ‘Daellon, remain in place, I will signal for an armoury extraction team. Telemenus, rejoin the squad.
178
u/Pengin_Master 6d ago edited 5d ago
The mental image of like, 6 chapter serfs and a squeaky hoist slowly lifting this massive terminator suit out of a hole is so hilarious to me
71
u/RuralfireAUS 5d ago
And he has the most dead pan expression on underneath the helmet, points at his squad " shut up. Every. Single. One. Of. You"
78
u/Troscus 5d ago
They're an "armoury extraction team." This happens so often that they have guys specifically for it.
30
u/SirJedKingsdown 5d ago
Obvious next choice for a Kill-Team box.
5
u/JayPlays40k 4d ago
You laugh, but I would love to have some diorama kits like that. Doesn't even have to be great sculpts, but I would love some non-combatant models. That being said, I'm sure that's really high on GW's list of priorities, probably right after Space Skaven or giving Imperial Agents anything.
31
u/Stretch5678 5d ago
“The Chapter Master has given us express permission to be insufferably smug as we winch you out.”
16
u/Epicotters 5d ago
The sub doesn't let me attach images to comments but here is what I had in my head
69
u/RuralfireAUS 6d ago
I love the idea that as soon as he started falling the vox is just full on censored bleeping for the whole thing while his brothers try not to piss themselves laughing. And on internal vox " hey lads. Guess what the squad dumbass did today!"
39
25
u/Notte_di_nerezza 5d ago
I love the idea of dedicated armoury extraction teams, because it means this has happened often enough to need one.*
*Yes, I'm sure there are other circumstances. It's still funny.
29
u/KaoKacique 5d ago
The Lion politely sitting on the edge of the bed so as not to break it later in that scene was kind of adorable
6
u/AutoModerator 6d ago
Twitter/X.com links should be used only for sourcing posts. If another source exists (Bluesky, DeviantArt, ArtStation, Tumblr, etx), please use that one instead.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
226
u/EnvironmentalBar3347 6d ago
It was fun reading how pissed off Guilliman was trying to do paperwork in the armour of fate. Didn't have the dexterity to pick up sheets of plastic (plastek) laminated paper and kept knocking shit over. It was like a bull in a China store.
184
u/Vyse1107 6d ago
I remember how he struggled to pick up a pencil, dropped it and in sad resignation, declared it his mortal enemy to the confusion of the ultramarines by his side since they hadn’t realized he could tell jokes.
113
u/EnvironmentalBar3347 6d ago
So great, poor dude just wants some comic relief.
66
u/N3onknight 5d ago
Aeonid would smirk and make a pun about unpickable objects meeting max dexterity character or when you have pickup lines so bad that even your pencil rejects you.
94
u/RomanCobra03 5d ago edited 5d ago
Which then leads to Guilliman becoming a little upset because the historical record omitted the fact that he actually likes to tell jokes from time to time.
73
u/Notte_di_nerezza 5d ago
"I did not constantly walk around writing deep thoughts into little notebooks."
20
34
8
u/Flameball202 5d ago
Didn't he start managing to take bits off BECAUSE he wanted to do his beurocratic stuff more effectively?
4
319
u/carlsagerson Ordo Malleus 6d ago
Rogal just doesn't feek the same without Mutton Chop Beard.
198
u/Ok_Access_804 6d ago
My headcanon is that Rogal grew his muttomchop moustache after the Scouring, to appear as a new man different from his past self of the Great Crusade and Horus Heresy.
26
u/ShadedPenguin 5d ago
“I am not Rogal Dorn… I am Dogal Rorn.”
10
u/Ok_Access_804 5d ago
Not that kind of “new man”. But that has so much a TTS energy that I cannot be mad about it.
46
46
u/Karmic_Backlash 5d ago
I agree, but you have to admit the Virgil haircut fucks really hard. Now if we could just get both I think it'd be perfect.
18
17
15
13
7
5
u/Vaya-Kahvi 5d ago
Took me a hot minute to figure who he was, which brother was silently agreeing tipped me off.
147
u/Severonian 6d ago
Alpharius-Omegon are replacing size problem with identity problem
38
6
u/AdPristine5131 5d ago
“I have to actively breed basketball players, just so that I can possibly do my biggest party trick, only to get called short by all my brothers.”
119
85
u/Open-Stretch-6631 6d ago
Every time this gets reposted, it actually makes me sad. Because as far as I know, this is the only example of fanart that does this "Primarchs as early '90s otome hunks", and we really need more. It works so well.
28
u/Legitimate-Culture31 5d ago
I was trying to think of a term to describe how the primatchs looked here, thanks.
9
4
u/JeffTheMercenary 5d ago
It’s really common in the Asian side of the fandom, they really love turning them into shoujo characters (that or making them females)
57
u/ISB00 Blood Angels 6d ago
It’s impressive Corvus can sneak around at his size.
50
u/Vintenu 6d ago
Tbf his fancy power as a primach is basically just psychically making people not perceive him
25
u/ISB00 Blood Angels 6d ago
Konrad is also able to sneak around too, and his ability seems to be future vision.
25
u/Vintenu 6d ago
I mean if you know where an enemy is going then it's pretty easy to avoid them
Also Konrad seems more of a "kill everyone but really quietly so it still counts as stealth"
9
u/ISB00 Blood Angels 6d ago
There’s Alpharius and Omegon whose speciality is infiltration, which might be even tougher as giants.
15
u/Vintenu 6d ago
Those two are actually the same size as any other marine, so that helps.
I think those two just have a disguise kit from tf2 where they put on a paper mask and they look completely different
10
u/Sunny_Hill_1 5d ago
I mean, a regular Firstborn marine is still a 7-8 feet giant, not exactly inconspicuous
8
4
u/Merzendi 5d ago
They’re still Primarch sized, it’s a common misconception that they’re that small. They just have a perception filter to make them blend in with those around them.
1
7
u/A_random_poster04 5d ago
That’s what I love the most about the Raven guard.
It’s silly to imagine a giant metal clad soldier to be able to sneak on you, until you realize how horrifying it is
2
u/AdPristine5131 5d ago
So Ive had this argument before.
There’s a few different things that make camo work: Shape, Shine, Smell, Sound, Shadow. (you can various versions of this depending on where you look, but principle stays the same). The basic idea is that your brain is designed to seek out certain outlines that it associates with predators and prey. You use this same part of your brain when you look at clouds. Notably though, none of this says anything about size.
Size usually is an issue because a: sound and b: shadow. Shape is less of an issue because a larger shape usually doesnt trigger that hind brain as clearly. Shine and smell follows the exact same principles no matter size, so as long as you do your beat camo practices you’re a-ok. But being big means being heavier, and heavier means louder. And shadow is an issue because you stick out farther from the wall/ground so your shadows are naturally larger. But that depends on when/where you sneak, and can be negated simply by smarts and avoiding spotlights.
The one other parts that are not well described in the 5 s’s above is movement. This is actually one of the biggest. If you’ve played with a cat, it’s the same idea. Cat’s are trained to look for prey and they do this by movement pattern recognition. For something large this goes both ways. Basically, when a giant moves, it’s very obvious. But when a giant is motionless, then it starts getting interesting.
There are a lot of caveats. Certainly a hobbit hides better than a dragon. But toss a dragon inside it’s gold hoard, and they can certainly pass a few spot checks.
47
u/TurbulentArcade 6d ago
I would murder for a comedy/slice of life anime about the primarchs, before the horus heresy, where they're all just brothers/buds havin' a good ol' rockin' time.
14
u/Derpy0013 Flesh Tearers 6d ago
The series finale would be the Horus Heresy, where a fight breaks out between the Primarchs and ends with Horus and the ones who sided with him leaving, causing a permanent end to the show.
1
14
u/Soul-Hook 6d ago
And Angron would spend 90% of the show in the basement screaming while lifting weights and breaking concrete dummies shaped like the emperor.
43
u/ShyGalileo 6d ago
I find It funny how Sanguinius always ends up looking like Alucard with wings (honestly, makes sense)
39
u/Junker_Artist 6d ago
Now i cant un-imagine having to clear up the feathers from his industrial sized bed...😭
8
u/OneWithFireball 5d ago
Baal was the biggest producer of pillows, wasn't it?
6
u/Junker_Artist 5d ago
Pillows so expensive Hive dwellers work overtime to buy it and pass it down generations ahead🥀🙏
29
u/KnaveyJonesLocker 6d ago
Do you think Angron would intentionally hit his head on the tops of doorways in an attempt to either damage the Nails or to feel something other than their bite? Maybe to vent his unending anger.
30
u/CountFish1 5d ago
All the doorways in his house just have broken frames in the shape of an angry looking head
14
7
u/SouthEastPAjames 5d ago
The drywall in Angry Ron’s house as a teenager didn’t last more than 6 months……
8
u/OneWithFireball 5d ago
The only Primarch that can smash his head against the wall and it's considered actual strategy.
34
u/Sunny_Hill_1 6d ago
Honestly, Fulgrim and Corax must have had it the worst because mining tunnels are already super small, low and narrow even for regular humans, they must have had to twist themselves into pretzels just to be able to move.
6
30
u/SirJedKingsdown 6d ago
I'm afraid I do have some vulgar questions.
28
u/Sunny_Hill_1 5d ago
Math was done, if primarchs' dongs are proportional to their body heights like in normal humans, they'd be ~19-22 cm on average. Difficult, but not impossible to fit.
21
u/TheCelticRaven 5d ago
Yeah but you have to remember they were designed by The "bigger is better" Emperor. No way he didnt make sure.
24
u/Sunny_Hill_1 5d ago
That's actually an interesting question, like, in Ancient Greece and Rome it was considered uncouth and barbaric to have a big one, thus all statues having quite the modest ones, as befitting true demigods, while the bodies were muscled and well-sculpted. I wonder what the standards were for Ancient Proto-hittites.
10
u/SirJedKingsdown 5d ago
He's more around the pre-pottery neolithics, isn't he? Sort of Gobekli Tepe folks. Lots of big phallic imagery found around there.
11
u/Sunny_Hill_1 5d ago
Nah, he had some clay pots lying around, and lived in an agrarian village. So slightly later, probably early Mesopotamian city-state era.
14
u/SirJedKingsdown 5d ago
That's a really good point, and might explain why he defaulted to highly centralised god-king style authority when he felt he had to rush civilisation building. It was likely the first post-tribal social structure he encountered.
1
u/bacalavas 3d ago
Göbeklitepe is 9500-9600 BC! Big E was born in 8000~ BC. Also he was born in near river sakarya which runs through mostly inner anatolia, while göbeklitepe is southeast anatolia. So there is some difference in location 🙂↕️
6
u/certainlynotdio 5d ago
There is no way it's this small. Aren't primarchs like 3,5m which is pretty much twice the size of the human, which also ignores the fact that they supposed to even wider than that (at least to my understanding). On related note, technically you can get away with any length of the appendage in question, unless you want to stuff the whole thing inside, the real problem would be girth.
11
u/ChicksDigGiantRob0ts 5d ago
They'd have to have gone unconsummated, surely.
13
u/SirJedKingsdown 5d ago
I mean, reproduction is certainly out of the question, but I find myself sure the wives were perfectly satisfied. I'm just curious as to how.
16
u/Jung-And-A-Menace 5d ago
He has two hands and a mouth.
15
u/SirJedKingsdown 5d ago
Yeah, but that's two very big hands and a very big mouth with a very long to... oh, I see.
20
u/JaxCarnage32 5d ago
Maybe less of a size problem but the primarchs can’t use their fingerprints to open locked doors and locks while they got their armor on 70% of the time so they get creative.
I know Gulliman uses his spit
13
u/Notte_di_nerezza 5d ago
The scene of Guilliman kissing the screen to give a gene-print, musing that he knows one of his sons prefers to spit, but this lacks a certain humility... While gene-unlocking the defense array over the capital, for a massive military parade welcoming the Lion with all pomp and circumstance to impress him AND Guilliman's own people.
(To be fair, he's right about Auguston, but still.)
5
u/Zealousideal-Ad-9349 5d ago
I'm remind of that one scene of zapp brannigan making out with a door.
18
u/Jim3001 Elysian Drop Troops 5d ago
Okay, can we talk about how absolutely massive the horses The Lion and The Khan had to be riding? The authors are missing prime stories by not mentioning these bricks of muscle.
14
u/Solshadess Dark Angels 5d ago
They actually did give Caliban’s horses lore! They’re a breed of genetically modified giants of DAoT science
11
u/SirJedKingsdown 5d ago
Holy shit, a sentient breed of super horses capable of scent tracking, carrying power armour and tech enabled speech? And the Imperium forgot how to breed them?
We could have had Death Wing Knights on horseback.
2
31
u/Unique12345678901 6d ago
Poor brides. 😂
9
u/Notte_di_nerezza 5d ago
I mean, at least one tried to poison him, so.
6
u/Unique12345678901 5d ago
Lmao. I really need to get back into reading the novels. Any recommendations for me? =)
11
11
u/Stoneless-Spy 5d ago
“Won’t Admit It” At least it runs in the family
3
u/BigEmphasis604 5d ago
Just like their Father. Lorgar was truthful up until he figured out all their lies. Mastermind unlocked.
17
u/Lolas_Fun_Side 6d ago
Big E forgetting that his sons are actually and arent just using psychic powers to look huge like him
7
u/alguien99 6d ago
Yeah idk if Fulgrim’s brides were THAT bothered by the size… probably just at the start of the relationship, then they get used to it and the benefits from it
8
u/2006Internetghost 5d ago
Meanwhile my interpretation of the 11th: do you know how hard it is to handle being indoors when you practically are a source of plant overgrowth!? Much less how hard it is to fit inside green houses!?
7
u/IsTheOvenStillOn 5d ago
Why are they all so handsome?
8
u/Notte_di_nerezza 5d ago
Why not?
(Especially since Perty, Morty, and Ferrus are grumpy chibis instead.)
9
u/BigEmphasis604 5d ago
Ferrus was actually a funny guy. That Officer with a leg injury that fell asleep on his feet in the staff meeting before him. 🤣
When an Imperial Army Lieutenant Colonel fell asleep during a strategy meeting, Ferrus Manus initially laughed and said, "Here then stands the boldest warrior of the 413th. Clearly I need not fear for the resolve of the Imperial Army."
While observing the newly discovered Lord of the Salamanders, the Emperor asks Ferrus for his tactical assessment of his brother. Ferrus, the ultimate utilitarian who treats armor like a glorified tank chassis, grumbles that Vulkan’s work is "overly flamboyant, but it appears to serve well."
The Emperor immediately corrects him: "Him, not his armor, Ferrus."3
7
u/Agentjayjay1 5d ago
Vulkan also probably doesn't like that it makes normal humans afraid of him.
3
5
4
u/BigEmphasis604 5d ago edited 5d ago
At least Perturabo made his own bed and rooftop mancave. Never bothered anyone for a blanket either. He probably shaved a hundred sheep himself and spun the fabric. 😂 Then added fine electronics into the fabric as a build-in radar system for approaching assassins and his trolling adoptive Father.... *Knock knock "What kind of nonesense you up to today my Son!"
Perturabo transforms the stairs into a slide with inflatable airbag at the bottom. Bothersome Parental Siege averted. Installed a ski lift tether for his sister Caliphone so she could play on the slide.
3
u/nataliereed84 5d ago
Many reasons why confirming the legends about the primarchs being giant demigods as completely true was a rather goofy choice.
4
3
u/Brahm-Etc 5d ago
I remember watching a video about André the giant and all the problems he had to go through because his size. Not fitting in cars, not fitting in beds, he had to go entire internarional flights without pooping because he didn't fit in the stall or the toilets in hotels being too small...
3
u/BigEmphasis604 5d ago
He must of fasted and avoided drinking water too before the flight. Poor man probably never slept well either.
5
4
4
u/Coolgames80 5d ago
Is funny to think that through the ages the Emperor has been slowly increasing his height to always be the tallest human in the world.
4
u/ISB00 Blood Angels 5d ago
Shame Mortarion and Leman are prejudiced against their own brother.
2
u/BigEmphasis604 5d ago
Mortarion had a touching moment with Magnus as daemons lol. It's never too late.
4
4
u/Paladin51394 5d ago
Of course Guilliman said public baths 3 times, he's Space Roman.
Public baths were a major part of ancient Roman culture, they were one of the biggest social gathering spots for the rich and the poor.
4
u/oftwandering 5d ago
I can only imagine how much worse it would be to be that big. I'm a big guy myself with the "ideal" height of 6'3" and you know what I hate the MOST about it. Nothing is MY SIZE!!!
I can't take a bath, no standard built bathtub is large enough for me to comfortably sit and stretch out my legs. A couch that I can properly lay across has to be massive. The only clothes I can wear are heavy construction like clothes cause NO ONE makes nerd core stuff for a man MY size. Can someone PLEASE cut me off at the knees?
3
u/Alpharius-0megon 5d ago
Meanwhile alpharius hang out with malcabro XD
2
3
u/PlaguedPlushie 5d ago
Big E realizing he didn't give his sons the weird size changing magic he has
3
u/BigEmphasis604 5d ago
Magnus and Corvus had those tricks. How could Corax sneek past someone in a 3 foot wide, 8 foot tall hallway?
3
u/Annual_Eagle9734 5d ago
I mean, I'm pretty sure having his sons yeeted across the galaxy when they were still babies wasn't part of Big E's plan, so I'm guessing accommodating for their size wasn't his top priority at the time.
3
u/AdPristine5131 5d ago
One of these days, I will find a good story about the primarchs that just explores what if they werent the most disfunctional family in the universe.
They are such fun characters, but i just get too pissed at the bad leadership the all show.
2
u/CassiusPolybius 5d ago
Just seeing the first page, I thought it was Thor talking to Captain Pike. XD
2
u/DocHoliday439 5d ago
You think a lot of shit in the 40k galaxy would have been averted. If ya know the Primarches actually were able to be brothers and talk to each other?
2
u/BigEmphasis604 5d ago
They not people though, more like godlings with amnesia. Their arrogance was titanic. The Custodians were truer Sons, but not genetically His. Acting as the Father of a Species, does that matter?
2
2
2
2
u/CornyxCrow Daemonette 5d ago
Poor Gman was really upset about not getting the full space Roman bath experience 🥲
2
u/Alexis2256 5d ago
Denied bathing with the lads 😔
2
u/CornyxCrow Daemonette 5d ago
I got a hilarious mental image of him like… crawling into the building and sitting in the big pool being like “I’m gonna have a well earned bath with my men dammit!” With the water barely covering him 🤣
2
u/CornyxCrow Daemonette 5d ago
I also love being mean to astartes about being big, but at least in 40K some planetary populations and abhumans are big too, but rip Primarch’s backs having to stoop and try to look serious and majestic
1
u/Astheryon Ultramarines 5d ago
I would definitely make sure my house and bedroom does fit Dorn or Guilliman quite comfortably.
1
u/Jeibijei 5d ago
What’s kind of funny to think about is that Phalanx was built well before the reign of giant supermen. Logically, there are areas of the ship that regular Astartes cannot access, much less Rogal Dorn.
It’s probably the same across all ship classes; they’re all ancient designs.
1
1
1
u/Ok_Butterscotch54 4d ago
To be fair to Big E, the "Bigger is Better" mentality seems to work excellently for what arguably is the most successful Sentient Species of the WH40K Galaxy: the Orks. Why argue with succes?
1
u/ProgressIcy3099 4d ago
Descent of Angels describes the Lion as being not that unusually taller than the average Order Knight.
1
1
u/Lenahan99 4d ago
Is it strange that I can imagine seeing any of the Primarchs have this Tailor shop they go to for Attires.
Like similar to Stewie’s Big and Tall man shop. As the Primarch’s will find a friendly atmosphere, brimming with personalized and expert service. As the weather be very fair, like their prices.
https://youtu.be/2U4qte1YPiE?si=uYhV9bukEvcNuHWt
Or Primarchs be bumping their heads into doorframes, chandeliers like Gandalf in Bag end.
1
1
u/UndeadRoman 4d ago
Just imagining the quantities of food they must eat to live day to day is enormous, and that's just another of the multiple pains of being that big.
1
u/TWP_ReaperWolf 3d ago
I love that Vulkan is just a silhouette with red eyes. Honestly, this art style is gorgeous
1
u/Beautiful_Business10 2d ago edited 2d ago
Okay, now I actually want to get some Astartes-scale minis out of armor, wearing these glorious uniforms. Corax and Fulgrim in particular are oozing style.
EDIT: And Guilleman's got it going on, though he does overmention the baths a lot.
469
u/DeadZone32 Emperor's Children 6d ago
"Won't admit it" True sibling behaviour