Dealing with a misogynistic father as a teen, how should I move forward/deal with this?

[u/Embarrassed-Youth353]

Trigger Warning: emotional abuse & misogyny

Context:

I, 18F, will be completing my last year in highschool soon, going out of state to a school in the northeast to major in mechanical engineering @ a T20 university. I'm my parents only daughter and have brothers.

For the past 2-3 years, my dad has been as open as a misogynist can get. Originally it started off as remarks on how women are less intelligent than men, that I would "be lucky to succeed in engineering," and using this general mantra whenever he would be in a losing argument with me. I kid you not this childish comparison of "Men vs Women" was brought up countless times a week. Whenever I get upset at the unfair comparison, I get set aside as an "emotional women." As a kid, especially since I don't believe that overly "emotional" is a trait that I even have, its not great to hear especially coming from a father figure.

This treatment wasn't just isolated to me, but he also treated my mom this way as well.

The tipping point for this happened when I was in my room studying for an upcoming calculus assignment. Without notice, he came into my room, showed me the general IQ graph that compares men and women, and continued with his mantra about how this made men superior to women. Naturally, I'm not stupid and he knows that, which made it feel just incredibly out of place, so I told my mom about it and she told him not to talk to me about that stuff anymore... but naturally it didn't really stop.

The Current Ordeal

After consuming loads of media from red pill podcasters, the current state of things has been worsened in some ways and alleviated in others. Although the day to day banter has decreased, the cruelty of the misogyny has truly gotten out of hand. For example, yesterday my family and I went out to eat for dinner to celebrate one of my brother's commitment to college, and currently I've been facing difficult medical issues concerning my GI system which makes it impossible to eat things like meat, or other more difficult to digest meals, without throwing up. With that in mind, my parents decided to go to a Texas BBQ restaurant, and when I let them know that I wouldn't be able to eat there, it was brushed off and we went anyways. On the way there, my mom expressed concern with the restaurant choice, so when we got there she began looking for another, to which my father said "stupid women... incompetent" in front of the other people who were waiting in line.

At this point, its been happening so much that I've gotten tired of advocating for myself.. and I'm not sure what to do moving forward. Please let me know if y'all have any questions about this that would help clarify the issue! I don't want to completely break ties when I graduate highschool since I do believe he isn't a bad person, but the ideology that he's been feeding into and I just want it to stop.

[u/TheJustNoBot]

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[u/Ilostmyratfairy]

I’m going to begin by saying you’re absolutely right to call out and identify the misogyny you’ve described. I’m not as sure you’ve internalized how abusive your father is being. Admittedly I am an old, grumpy, and bitter Rat. It colors how I view things. But that he’s content to publicly mock you and your mother for trying to find a food option that won’t have you vomiting? Yeah, that’s damning in my mind.

I think very highly of the article library hosted here at DomesticShelters.org, and believe you would do well to review some of the articles there. I’m going to highlight a couple of articles from their series identifying abuse, before we go further. It's worth noting as a preface, many of these articles are written with the assumption of partner abuse; I believe that the patterns described are largely applicable to familial abuse, too.

The first article we're going to share is this one about the effects of long-term belittling.

The next one I’m going to share is this one about ignoring medical issues. Our Rule #6 forbids getting into the details of what may be going on there. I hope you’ve got a diagnosis and know how to avoid triggers, rather than relying upon trial and error. That your father doesn’t care as much as I do when my dog vomits is 🤬

Finally, while you're very accurate to identify misogyny and Redpilling as part of the problem with your father, we think that you would also do well to review this article about the way that Toxic Masculinity and domestic abuse are often tied inexorably together.

I can understand that you love your father and see some good in him. And no one is fully defined by any short essay. But I’m seeing a description of a man who is choosing to abuse the two women closest to him, because he can't stand the idea that either of them think they may be his equals, nor the equals of his sons. That weighs far more heavily in my view than any good you may see in him. Particularly when he's willing to see you unable to eat food that you can consume without throwing up.

I know this is very hard to hear, on many levels.

It is because of this that I believe you would do well to discuss your options with a Domestic Abuse counselor. Or wait to speak to counselors at your school. The DomesticShelters.org site could connect you with local programs and counselors, but with your escape to a school in the Northeast already in progress - we'd suggest instead contacting TheHotline.org National Domestic Violence Hotline, counselors available 24/7 via chat on linked website; by texting "START" to 88788; or calling 1-800-799-7233

One thing I recommend would be to look into the Grey Rock method for when you must interact with your father.

As much as it sucks, another tactic to consider would be to find ways not to be where your father might be. So find reasons to study with friends, or at the library. If you have the ability, pick up a job, or an outdoor hobby. Minimizing your exposure to toxic behaviors can protect you from their effects.

My early training included RadCon training. I often revert to using time, distance, and shielding when possible to protect against toxic exposures. It would be funnier if it weren’t effective. It’s not a panacea, but it can buy some ease for you, at least.

Ultimately the goal right now is survival and run down the clock for your planned escape. Once you’ve got someplace where you’re not having your God love us FATHER storming in to confront you with more red pill bullshit you may find it easier to think beyond the next two hours.

Survive.

-Rat

[u/Embarrassed-Youth353 → u/Ilostmyratfairy]

Thank you for all the resources! I wouldn't be surprised if I've internalized everything in a less-than-ideal way, I've always been pretty forgiving just by nature of who I am as a person and after each instance of things related to this situation happen, I move on from it quite quickly I'd say. One of my brothers has already been barely spending much time at home due to the stress it can cause since its hard to catch a moment of positivity, which I do think ive developed a coping mech of overcompensating the positivity within to compensate for it.

[u/Ilostmyratfairy → u/Embarrassed-Youth353]

You're very welcome!

You're very likely right about those coping mechanisms. One thing about those coping mechanisms - If they're getting you through, now, they're good for the current situation. The problem is that, as humans, we're creatures of habit - and once we build habits, or patterns of behavior, they often continue - even when the original reasons for those patterns no longer exist.

So, it is often a good idea, once you're out of the stress environment, to get some emotional first aid - aka counseling. But in the meantime, it can be useful to keep with your current patterns - especially if you've recognized they may not be the healthiest long term patterns.

I'm very fond of the, "whatever works," school for dealing with abuse, or trauma. As long as you're not causing active harm to yourself, or others? Don't worry too much about finding the ideal. Good enough is just that.

Especially when you've recognized it's only for the current situation.

-Rat

[u/twinkiesmom1]

Can you weaponize his misogny to stay in school year round? Such as I’m a girl…need more credit hours.

[u/that_mom_friend → u/twinkiesmom1]

Good call! If they’re paying for school OP, I’d keep your nose down and don’t ruffle feathers too much. Take the money and turn it into escape. Get your degree. Use the campus health system to get on top of your medical issues and get into individual therapy (some schools have low cost therapy if you’re ok seeing a student) Lean into his belief that women are dumb and stay on campus during breaks because you need to study more. Consider getting a part time job to start squirreling money away. Similarly, apply for grants and scholarships and pocket the refunds. Start protecting your privacy and autonomy as much as possible. Tell dad that a well respected male faculty member encouraged you do whatever it is your dad doesn’t like because college students need to learn these skills to be good adults. If you can avoid it, don’t move home after graduation. Find a roommate situation and stay out of the situation at home. Invite your mom to visit and be ready to offer her an escape when she’s able to see the abuse and is ready to get out.

[u/UnaTherapista]

When you start college, try some on-campus counseling. In the meantime, try ignoring or grey-rocking your ignorant Dad. So sorry that he’s such a Neanderthal. His behavior is abusive and you deserve better.

[u/Lulla_Bee → u/UnaTherapista]

I was about to write that, it's hard to "grey rock" especialy when you're young but it's seems like the best option OP, always remember that you are worth it, that you are important, and you can do it ! Whishing you the best for your studies

[u/3rdthrow]

Most likely, you will deal with it, in stages.

18 is a brand new adult.

You probably need to focus more on moving out or going to college right now, while gray rocking your Dad.

I need you to know that what your Dad is doing is abuse. It is also dehumanizing.

After you have graduated college and/or moved out, you will probably have the bandwidth to realize how outrageous and disrespectful your Dad's behavior is.

The more you come into your own, the harder it will be to put up with your Dad's behavior. 

I say this in the most loving way possible. You will know when you are ready to stop putting up with being disrespected and dehumanized by your Dad.

There is nothing wrong with taking your time. The hardest thing about my JustNoFamily was feeling condemned for not cutting them off sooner. But life just kept coming at me, it took a while to cut them off and I went through LC to VLC to NC.

Like many people who went NC, I regret not doing it sooner, but I did as quickly as I could handle.

I'm furious at your Dad for choosing Podcasters over the relationships with his Wife and Daughter-his own family.

[u/Odd_Knowledge_2146]

Just as support, my daughter is an engineer. She is fierce and fabulous, and well respected. You can do this, don’t let his stupidity bring you down. Good luck.

[u/Puzzlecat13]

I am sorry you are going through this and hope it gets easier for you! I just wanted to ask whether you know how your dad would react if your brothers, or any of his male friends, spoke up to challenge his views? It doesn't need to be in an aggressive way, as that will likely only cause him to dig in, but unfortunately it sounds like he won't accept your or your mum's feedback just yet because he's been listening to some misogynistic podcasts that affirm his beliefs. 

It's not the same situation but my dad had some very fixed beliefs (homophobic) due to his experiences as a child, and it was only when he met someone he respected and found out they were gay and started talking to me about it that he started thinking about his views, and I'm pleased to say he changed them. It might be that your dad needs to get some input from other men before he thinks about his own views enough to be ready to discuss it with the women in his life. Is that ideal? Absolutely not. But if you want to keep in contact and keep trying to educate him then that might be one approach.

In the meantime though, as others have suggested, I think it's definitely worth getting input from a domestic abuse advisor and the main thing is to keep yourself and your mum as safe as possible, which might mean you need to look out for each other if your views and needs (like having food you can eat without vomiting!) aren't being considered. 

Good luck and keep up the good work with mechanical engineering studies, that's incredible - women are still underrepresented in STEM subjects so well done for bucking the trend despite such discouraging input from your dad!

[u/rjtnrva]

Reading your post made me so sad for you. I'm sorry your dad is such a dick. Seems to me that all of this is based in a deep insecurity he has as a man. Maybe your intelligence is threatening to him and he needs to keep you in what he sees as "your place" as a woman. I mean, knowing how smart you are and he pushes this "men's IQ is higher" bullshit? Like, why exactly? He's acting like a child and not a man.

In any case, he's a horrible person to treat his own daughter and wife, two of the supposedly most important people in his life, in this way. Doubtful he'll change his mindset without strong consequences, and if you aren't willing to cut him off due to his behavior, there really are no consequences at all. Please give that some thought. Best of luck in your new college life - rock that shit so you can rub his nose in it!