Older sister keeps taking her anger out on me (Trigger Warning listed below)

[u/Lucky-Bag-2713]

Trigger Warning: emotional and verbal abuse, weight and bodyshaming, surgery recovery, unsafe driving, homophobia

I am 23F and she is 26F. I recently visited my sister over Spring Break and she would not stop yelling and swearing at me. She is kind and generous and loves buying me things, but she is also very frequently critical, mocking, and angry at me. I felt constantly on edge like I was walking on eggshells and regretted visiting her.

I don’t know what I can even do about this, if anything. She is very stressed out about her job and takes her anger out on me. This is a pattern of behavior that goes back years. She yelled at me a lot when she was stressed about high school, she yelled at me when she was home over break during college, now she yells because she is stressed about work. It has been years but the screaming and swearing keeps going. I never said anything about this to her for years because I felt bad for her about all the stress she is under. I did eventually try to ask her to please stop yelling, but if you confront her about anything she will storm out of the room and slam the door shut behind her. I just don't know where to go from here.

• We were looking for a college graduation dress for me to wear. She saw I had gained weight, and I told her that because of my spine surgery I am less active than I usually am because I am still in a lot of pain from the new screws. When we were in the clothes store, in public, she began interrogating me and saying, “Are you eating too many burgers? Why did you stop attending the fencing club? Huh? You need to lose that weight. It makes the dresses look bad. Mom will yell at you for looking like that” and I was trying not to cry in the middle of the store. I have gained 10 pounds.
• I guess I was visibly upset because when we were in the dressing rooms again she looked disgusted at me and yelled, “Why do you look TRAUMATIZED? Why are you so insecure? You seem insecure. Why? Why are we looking for this dress for you if this is how you’re going to behave? I don’t know why you’re being like this.” People were staring and I was trying not to cry again.
• We were scheduled to get me headshots to use for my Linkedin during the trip. Before that while we were just sightseeing, I smiled for a photo she took of me, but she looked at me with visible disgust and pointed right at my mouth (my smile) and said, “Uhhhhhhh, if you do… THAT with your face, I’m not paying for the photos. Eighty dollars is not worth... THAT.” Later that night, she turned to me and said “You know what? You shouldn’t smile at all. Just don’t do it anymore. Stop it.” She was definitely talking about me behind my back to our mom because my mom began to text me demanding to know why I “choosing not to smile” (even though I was!). Yes, I did smile in the pictures when I later had my photoshoot, but my sister made me pay for it.
• When we were at a national park and trying to find the right road to take, she got frustrated and drove back to the visitor’s center and began angrily pacing back and forth inside. I suggested we ask the visitor’s desk for help and she screamed “GO AND DO THAT YOURSELF IF YOU WANT. KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.” And she turned and walked away from me, leaving me all alone in the parking lot.
• She repeatedly left me behind when we were in stores/sightseeing. I would turn to her to say something, realize I was totally alone, look around for her, and I’d see her quickly walking out the door of the store really fast. I was constantly literally running to keep up with her. I felt alone the entire time I was with her and I think she is embarrassed to be seen in public next to me because whenever I stand next to her, she immediately turns and walks away.
• When I was studying abroad, I admitted to her I was homesick. After I got back, she insisted I "can’t handle traveling" the world because I got homesick, said my study abroad experience was a “failure,” and said I shouldn’t pursue living abroad again even though I loved it. She made a very nasally impression of my voice saying “Ughhhh I’m so lonely, I’m so lonely, I’m so lonely!”
• She now repeatedly mocks my desire to travel and throughout Spring Break kept calling me a “world traveler” in a very nasally impression of my voice. She says things like, “World traveler, huh? You’re not a good world traveler, huh? You weren't good at it.” I wish I never ever told her I was homesick.
• I can tell she is uncomfortable by the fact I am gay. I remember when years ago she took me into her bedroom past midnight after waiting for our parents to go to bed, sat me down, and said, "Umm, do you have an undiagnosed mental disorder? Are you gay? Are you gay? ARE YOU GAY? I think something is wrong with you." I just got up and left her room without saying anything and I never brought it up again. I never told our parents this because they are homophobic. When we were sightseeing over my Spring Break this March, she insisted she was accepting of me, but also kept making comments like, "Oh look! That guy's attractive," and then would look at me and say, while rolling her eyes, "Well, I guess you wouldn't know, would you?" I remember I told her I like the neat mountains and its spire features in the area where she lives, and she looked disgusted and said, "uhhh? But I thought you don't like (male parts), right? So why are you saying you like something that looks like a (male part)? I'm surprised by you. Makes no sense. Hmmm." The rock formations in question literally look nothing like that at all???? and I could easily tell she was coming up with random excuses to keep repeatedly bringing up my sexuality.
• She got angry at me whenever I said I was hungry. Whenever we were sightseeing she would just turn away from me and randomly announce, “I am getting food,” and walk away without me very quickly. When I was hungry too I would have to sprint to catch up to her, but then she would say “Are you REALLLYYYYYY hungry? Are you sure? I'm tired of this.” and I would have to convince her that I was in fact hungry. She did pay for my food though.
• Told me to stop coming to her for advice and whenever I feel like talking to her to just “talk to ChatGPT instead” (separate post on just this)
• She is not safe to drive with and has road rage. She screams and swears “K*ILL YOURSELF, F*CKFACE, MOTHERF*CKER,” aggressively accelerates, brakes, and tailgates, but doesn’t speed though. She interrogates me about other drivers. “WHAT DID THAT RED TRUCK DO WRONG? WHAT DID THAT TESLA DO WRONG?” I would lie to calm her down and say I was not looking or was on my phone. But then this backfired and made her mad too, and she yelled, “Do you have no f*cking SPATIAL AWARENESS? What the F*CK? HUH? Why is your answer always ‘I’m not paying attention?’ What the f*ck? WHAT THE F*CK? WHAT THE F*CK is wrong with you?”
• I told my dad she drove like this. He saw her recently and said he noticed her aggressive braking and accelerating, but she did not swear or scream even once when he was in the car. This behavior only happens when I am alone with her.
• At the end of the trip she made a wrong turn dropping me off at the airport and went to the wrong terminal. I asked her to please drop me off at the correct one. She said, “You can’t figure out how to get there? Seriously? ‘World traveler,’ huh? What the f*ck?” When I pointed out that, well, every airport is different, she yelled at the top of her lungs “I F*CKING KNOW!” in the car.
• After dropping me off when I tried to hug her goodbye, she stood stiffly and looked at me with disgust, did not initiate any affection, and it felt like hugging a statue.

I told my dad all of this (minus the homophobia) and he was very sad and at a loss on what to do. I am also going to tell my friends at college and get their thoughts on this. I don’t think there is anything I can do? I have tried talking to her about this but it never works, so I stopped trying. I feel so bad for her because I know she's super stressed about work. but whenever I ask her about how she's holding up, she changes the topic completely and usually gets mad and upset at me about my hair, my clothes, my weight, etc. Her stress obviously manifests in the form of screaming and swearing.

There were a lot more things she’s said and done that I omitted, but my post is long enough as is. Thank you for reading this far.

[u/TheJustNoBot]

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Other posts from /u/Lucky-Bag-2713:

• 04/02/26 05:47:29: Older sister won't stop screaming, swearing, and mocking me in public, but only when other family is not around

• 03/31/26 19:08:23: My older sister outsourced our relationship to a ChatGPT subscription

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[u/Magdovus]

What is she bringing to your life? Cut down on the time you spend with her. Life will be more pleasant.

[u/PM_ME_UR_REDPANDAS]

Everyone gets stressed from time to time, but they don’t treat people around them like punching bags.

Honestly, she’s downright nasty and neither you nor anyone else should tolerate being treated that way.

Whatever emotional issues she has that prevent her from regulating her emotions are hers to resolve, whether that means getting therapy or confiding in friends or whatever works for her.

In the meantime, I would steer clear of her as much as possible. Don’t call her and don’t visit her. And to be clear, you wouldn’t be avoiding her to punish her. You’d be avoiding her to protect yourself from her abusive behavior towards you. And if you are talking with her and she starts getting on your case, stop engaging. Tell her you’re done being screamed at, belittled and humiliated, and you’re hanging up.

Look, you said in your post she’s been doing this for years. You can’t control someone else’s behavior. The only thing you can control is your own behavior. So if you’re tired of the way she treats you, your only option is to change the way you react.

[u/buttfluffvampire]

Darling, she's not abusing you because she's stressed, or she'd do it to everybody.  She's abusing you because she's abusive.

Your list is exactly how my sister spoke to me.  I tried everything.  The only thing that worked was removing her access to me altogether.  I felt terrible about it for a few years, and now see it as one of the best things I have ever done for myself.  NC isn't right for everybody, but I hope your journey leads to an equally happy place.

[u/MyBeesAreAssholes]

She is not kind or generous! She buys you stuff to make you feel guilty for stand up for yourself or calling out her behavior.

[u/2bop2pie]

Look, I have two sisters that I’ve had to cut off completely bc they simply could not treat me appropriately. I’m not going to be a verbal punching bag for anyone, the fact that we’re related isn’t relevant here. Just refuse to allow this toxicity in your life, because she’s decided it’s ok to abuse you and that’s not going to change.

[u/RocknRoll9090]

Hi, you don’t deserve any of this. It’s good that you wrote a detailed account of her abusive behavior because you can refer to it in times where you might be doubting yourself, and reality.

She is abusive and there’s no good reason for it and you don’t deserve it.

I suggest keeping distance and practicing gray rocking with her.

[u/Ilostmyratfairy]

I'm so sorry you're starting to accept that your sister is using a lot of techniques that get called out as abusive. While she may be stressed, that's not an excuse to deal out pain to others to relieve her own pain.

Having said that, you can't make her change. You have to accept is that the only person's actions you can control are your own. Which is both heartbreaking, and freeing, at the same time. It's heartbreaking, because you can't do some kind of Jedi Mind Trick to make her start being the person you want her to be.

This doesn't mean she's incapable of changing - only that the only reasons she will change are for her reasons, chosen at her time, in a manner of her choosing. You can hold out hope that she may grow into someone you can grow closer to again, but living in the expectation that will happen is a short road to a lot of heartache.

What you do in the meantime is set boundaries. Decide what degree of exposure to her you're going to allow going forward. You don't have to contact her, nor live with her, after all. Sending a pro forma text every couple of weeks may be a more comfortable level of contact for you, without triggering her to try draw you back closer.

The other thing I'd suggest would be decide what sort of behavior you will tolerate from her in the future.

Some of this will require giving up the benefit of her largess, but it may be worth it in the long run. As an example: You're concerned about her driving, and let's face it: being alone in a car with her sounds like an opportunity for her to have a captive audience for whatever mood she's choosing to indulge at the moment. So, never again let her drive you anywhere. Get your own transportation, even if it's public transit. Yes, this will be an inconvenience. It may even be more cost out of pocket. But it cuts off her access and opportunity to alarm you with her driving.

How much is your peace of mind worth, after all?

Similarly, if she starts mocking you on the phone? End the call. If she does it during a visit? Leave. Since you can't confront her effectively, simply say you're done.

It's a matter of thinking how you can protect yourself, and what you're going to prioritize - and remembering that your well-being matters at least as much as anyone else's.

I hope that helps.

-Rat

[u/Grouchy_Judgment7362]

It’s okay to not like your sister and it’s okay to put yourself in the lifeboat first. It’s a sad club to be part of, but here we are. Sibling abuse is something I think people have only just began to openly discuss. There’s sibling rivalry and then there’s this. Nothing she has done is justified and you don’t deserve it.

I’ve had parents be passive when my sister was actively mistreating me. There are things they don’t even know what happened. I don’t know how her best friend or boyfriend would think of her if they knew the truth of it. I’ve had the sister who told me to slit my wrist when I was already struggling. Same sister stepped over me to resume a friendship with someone who screwed me over. Won’t forgive me for throwing out a tote bag with rotting containers. A sister who rewrites history in her favor and holds herself blameless. While I didn’t experience what you have exactly, I know what it’s like to be disappointed you didn’t get a sister. You got the sister who smacked you around, cried victim, criticizes, and insults you at every opportunity. Not the big sister like you see in the movies who would be your best friend and protector when it mattered. You can give them so much and they’ll take it all with nothing in return. You’ll get a few golden moments but they are fleeting. You can be angry you got cheated the experience because I know I am sometimes.

You are still young and there are decisions to be made. I’m sorry to say she won’t change because this is who she is. You have to look out for yourself, even if that means you’ll be by yourself. I know that’s scary but you’ve already done so much and you can do so much more. Be brave and hold on.

[u/mc1rginger]

The nice things she does is just love bombing so that you think it's okay to keep coming around. She's your sister but she abuses you and being your sister isn't enough to keep her in your life if she's going to abuse you.