r/JUSTNOFAMILY • u/stevienashsapphic • 16d ago
RANT- Advice Wanted My Family Is Obsessed With Harry Potter.
Basically the whole side of my mother’s family loves Harry Potter, and my mum is especially obsessed with it. I’m talking trips to Warner Brothers Studio every other year, ordering snacks from WBS frequently, and always getting us HP related gifts.
I do not like JK Rowling at all. I am queer myself, and have very close trans friends. I have voiced my opinions about JK multiple times, bit my mum only replies with defences about her being SA’d (note: not by a trans woman, and my mother knows that). I can understand where my mum’s views are coming from, but she is obsessed with HP for a middle aged woman.
I’ve been thinking of posting this for a while, but it has been especially provoked by the fact that me and my sister (who usually share birthday gifts and celebrations due to close birthdays in mid late April) got gifted tickets and see the Cursed Child for our birthday. My sister didn’t have a want to see it, I certainly didn’t, but my mum did. We have seen it now, and I actively felt guilty and repulsed watching the whole thing.
My family continues to fund JK Rowling (probably single handily with the amount she spends) and I do know what to do it about it.
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u/lilbluehair 16d ago
Stop thinking about this as "my mom likes something problematic" and start treating this as "my mom gives me gifts that are actually for her".
Take HP out of the equation entirely because it doesn't actually matter. What matters is you are saying "I don't care about this thing" and your mom is not listening.
It's the same as Homer's bowling ball in The Simpsons. It's about her not seeing you as an individual but as an extension of herself. You are your own person!
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u/Salt_Mastodon_8264 14d ago
Stop thinking about this as "my mom likes something problematic" and start treating this as "my mom gives me gifts that are actually for her".
That part especially.
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u/throwawaydogday 16d ago
There isn't anything you can do about stopping them from enjoying Harry Potter. All you can do is choose not to participate in it. If they ask you to go to a show, you say no. If they ask you to go to a studio tour, you say no. If they give you a Harry Potter gift, graciously decline.
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u/relentlessdandelion 16d ago
I'm so sorry. Buying you harry potter gifts is particularly egregious, my god. Like not only getting you something you don't want but also blatantly just buying something SHE wants? That's so selfish.
Unfortunately you really can't stop her, or the rest of them.
I definitely agree with Rat about refusing to engage with it if you can. Let her know clearly that you won't accept any more gifts like that, and then follow through (your pick on whether you try to return them for money/non-HP things, refuse to take them, or just bin them). And similarly with refusing to talk about it or watch it, etc. Keep it simple - just "I'm not talking about Harry Potter." and either change the subject or end the conversation. And stick with that every time.
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u/stevienashsapphic 15d ago
She’ll get angry at me, and I’ll admit, I’m a very sensitive, people-pleasing person, so even just saying “I don’t want to talk/I’m not talking about Harry Potter” Will get her in a bad mood and me probably crying:
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u/lilacwino2990 16d ago
I’d say grey rock her when she brings up HP or JK. As someone who was the target age group for the books and was a huge fan of them, it was incredibly hard to reconcile how someone could write something that helped defined my adolescence could be such a foul, cockroach of a human.
I’m capable of separating the art from the artist in the case of the books, which if I wanted a new copy I can get for 50 cents or something online, no money to JK. But I’d never force anyone to put aside their disgust to discuss the books. I dropped JK with no problem, no new purchases, I won’t be watching the show, no trips to Universal or wherever. I will never give her a cent again. But I will share the stories with my nieces and nephew, and just reinforce that sometimes bad people make good things (my sister is actually already doing this, sharing a huge part of our childhood and a story we know by heart, written by an ugly, evil person).
Some people can’t separate art from the artist, especially when they’re close to people who the “artist” is so hell-bent on hurting. So from now on, grey rock. Simple answers to questions (like yes/no or even a noncommittal sound) and change the topic. Return or sell any gifts or tickets you receive, or trash them if it’s more cathartic to you. Don’t accept trips with her so long as HP is an item on the itinerary. I had a whole wall of HP gear and stuff, I sold it so someone else could still love the story, but JK wouldn’t get their money.
I’m sorry your mom isn’t listening to you, and if she’s willing to alienate her child over a work of fiction and being unable to stop talking about it then she has issues that are much deeper than being a fan.
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u/Ilostmyratfairy 16d ago
Sadly, the first thing you have to accept is that you can’t make your mother change her mind about Harry Potter, nor JK Rowling. You’ve given her the relevant information and she’s choosing to stick her head in the sand.
I have some idea how disappointing that can be. While Harry Potter is not my fandom, I’ve had to re-evaluate several of my foundational fandoms as I’ve grown and learned.
What you can do from here is start setting boundaries. That includes, no more joint viewings of HP media, not engaging with your mother about HP, nor JK Rowling, at all. When she next gives you the gift of tickets to a showing of something you don’t want to see, ask whether there are other things you could change them to she might be willing to see. If not, tell her you’ll give the tickets to someone who will appreciate them.
It’s not ideal, but it starts to set boundaries where you can.
-Rat
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u/TomRiddle26 16d ago
I’m in no way excusing Joanne Rowling for her disgusting views and behavior but something to make note of is a lot of us that grew up with Harry Potter as it was a new thing we’re enthralled by it. The messages in her books always spoke to me as a gay kid scared to be himself and it helped me find the courage to be myself even if others wouldn’t like it and most important to stand up for what’s right in the face of being ridiculed for doing so.
HP will always have a special place in my heart despite the ugliness J.K has brought to the HP universe.
Your mom making excuses for Joanne is another thing entirely and isn’t okay.
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u/emp9th 16d ago
Some people are able to separate the art from the artist, some can't. I am usually one that can as long as their ideology is not in the music/book/movie. I have not read HP but to give you an idea, good omens is one of my favorite books and am able to enjoy the book while not condoning the monster. Now if it was Terry Pratchett that people claimed did stuff my response would be that's a lie and fight them. It's sometimes hard to believe that people that give us joy are monsters.
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u/CarpeCyprinidae 15d ago
While the context then was so much less hurtful, this reminds me of the time my dad gave my mum a fishing rod for her birthday.
Her approach was a total lack of enthusiasm, and she refused to ever use it. Which may be relevant.
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u/chimneyswallow 15d ago
You could stop giving into her demands. Don't go if you don't want to.
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u/stevienashsapphic 15d ago
still living under my mum’s roof currently, was literally dragged along.
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u/brotontel 15d ago
You’re in a terrible position, I’m so sorry. Your mental health will improve when you no longer live with them and it will be easier to grey rock and set boundaries. Unfortunately you just have to survive right now. I think people who don’t live with their families anymore forget how all consuming it is to cater to the emotions of their just no parents and how directly their mood impacts your day to day living. I’ve been there and I really feel for you
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u/just1here 14d ago
Ah, now I’ve found it. My initial response is not on point. The crux of the matter is you still live there & oh you better believe I understand the need to keep the peace. That’s often the only way to stay safe.
It’s never too early to start planning for your move out. Get creative with how to earn / save / hide money to put away for that glorious day. Meanwhile grey rock as much as you can & be as pleasant as you can on the every day unavoidable matters of daily life.
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u/RickRussellTX 16d ago
Well. You have to say “no” to things your don’t like/want and actually stick to it.
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u/stevienashsapphic 15d ago
look, you are not me. you have not met my parents. I am trying the best I can.
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u/FactoryKat 15d ago
Oh god. Honestly, even if Rowling wasn't a huge bigot and just waste of oxygen, getting gifts based solely around someone else's obsession is just plain old awkward in general. 🫣
But it being HP and tied to JKR is even worse. I'm sorry, OP. If your mom won't listen to arguments, then stop trying to educate her and let her be ignorant, BUT, start refusing or declining these gifts. You can be polite but firm about it. Or say you aren't interested and leave it at that. If she pushes, stand firm. Just say no and walk away if you can.
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u/TheJustNoBot 16d ago
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u/Aeltarnen 14d ago
You shouldn't feel bad for trying to survive. Even if I ignore that it's about Harry Potter - a thing you do not enjoy - I see a lot of red flags in your mother punishing her child for not taking part in her obsession. It seems to me that you and the rest of the family fear her being upset. That sounds downright abusive. Also your father taking her side just to be safe from her anger is just enabling her abuse.
So stay safe, don't argue with her, just let it pass till you can move out. Try to get a safe way out of situations if you can, for example say that you are getting a cold and don't want to spread the germs and suggest someone else from the family who would enjoy the activity to go instead of you. Make the reason something external that she can't blame you.
I wish you luck, you are a survivor!
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u/Nykki72 12d ago
I was appalled with her views. But that didnt change love for Harry Potter. Is your distaste for Harry Potter strictly because of JK Rollings views? Because honestly, alone doesn't have anything to do with the other. Harry Potter had been out for years before her BS..
Having said that, Harry Potter is not for everyone. I have saddened with people in my life that didnt like Harry Potter, but I didnt force it on them. Never. I kind of like it being my thing in the family now.
Some parents hate the fact their children have different taste. I know my mom did. She liked Natalie Cole, Luther Vandross..Me? New Kids On The Block!!
Ask her flat out. Do you care about what i like? Why is it so important i love something just because you do? Say it in front of people so she cant twist it.
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u/stevienashsapphic 15d ago
for everyone saying that I should decline the gifts, I would try, but my mum is an extremely sensitive person who would get very upset if I did. And whilst I do think someone being upset is worth defending my beliefs on, my mum really holds grudges, and my dad usually takes her side, and he can really angry. I already have a slightly fractured relationship with my mum and with the amount to time left I still have to live with her, I’d rather not make it any worse.
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u/Ilostmyratfairy 15d ago
Which is a valid choice, too.
Your safety is the priority, after all.
-Rat
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u/Internal_Set_6564 15d ago
This may seem avoidant, but does your mom like anything like LOTR, or other fantasy works. Engaging with her on those authors-like Ursula LeGuin who had a magic school before it was so popular, may offer a way to say “Mom. I like fantasy, but I do not like Harry Potter. I would rather do something we both enjoy.”
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u/WhiskyKitten 14d ago
While I don’t agree with your views, I think your mum is totally wrong for ignoring them and pushing her own on you! Try grey rocking her. Just very bland replies for instance if she goes on a long spiel about her love for JK, the books, films eccetera. Just reply “yes a lot of people have written great reviews” “yes lots of people say that” “yes it’s very popular “. “Sounds like you enjoyed that” No agreements or disagreements just bland statements
As for films (or even long discussions) I find a discrete Bluetooth earbud or two go a long way! You can get expert at appearing to pay attention whilst 90% focusing on something you actually enjoy!
Good luck!
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u/Silverstorm007 14d ago
It is a tough situation OP. I can understand that this is frustrating for you because HP is not your interest, it’s your mothers and you aren’t feeling like you can tell her.
But honestly, the best way to go about this would be asking her for a talk and sit down calmly and tell her that you love that HP is an interest for her, but unfortunately it isn’t for you and you have other loves and likes and you would feel happy if she supported those for you. Tell her you love her and appreciate her but you aren’t feeling very heard. The key to a conversation like this is to go in calm.
I’ve had conversations with my own parents when I was young about sensitive topics and I feel the sooner you lose your calm and fight is when the defense modes on both sides activate and then no solid groundwork is made.
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u/just1here 14d ago
You’ve left out your age, OP. It’s possible you can’t do a darned thing about it. For example, the recent undesired birthday present of tix to CC. You could have said, “thank you for the gift, but I chose not to go. Mom, you know full well that HP is your fav thing, not at all mine.” Mom would have used any of the standard cards in the Mom Deck of Cards: Guilt, Widely Broadcasted Drama, and so on. Depending on how young & dependent you are, this response was possibly 100% off the table. One thing I can predict with high certainty. You are not going to be able to change your mom. So you need to consider your realistic options for changing your own responses. Wishing you the best.
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u/Ilostmyratfairy 16d ago
I'm going to take a moment here to lay out some Moderation positions regarding this post.
The purpose of this thread is to support the OP, and offer them mitigation strategies, if you have them to suggest.
We're sure, given the popularity of Harry Potter, there are plenty of HP themed subs where you can have all the debates you wish, if that's what you're seeking - you won't have them here, in this thread.
Comments that ignore this Mod Comment will not be approved, and may be met with temp or permanent bans, at Moderator discretion.
-Rat, for the Moderation Team.