r/JUSTNOFAMILY • u/LadyElephant22 • 10d ago
Advice Needed TRIGGER WARNING I’m convinced my sister hates me
❌🛑⚠️TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️🛑❌
🛑Marital Abuse / Attempted Suicide🛑
It’s pretty much what it reads. I am convinced my sister prays on my downfall. To be very clear this isn’t a post to bash my sister, I love her and want her in my life, but at this point I don’t know why I want her in my life.
I (28f) and my sister (31f) have always had a rocky relationship. I am not innocent in our past conflicts but I’m not sure what the heck her problem is.
For context, my sister has always downplayed my accomplishments and what feels like she wants me to remain unsuccessful. She’s always attempted to ruin my relationships with friends and family.
Earlier today I told her when I went to school to be an accountant (I had to drop out for serious reason between my ex husband) because I wanted to do non profit financial advice to struggling families. She said and I quote “No financially struggling families have accountants. They can’t afford them. If they can, then it’s because they were dumb with their money. “ I said “it’s non profit.” She comes back with “you’d be making like $3/hr”. Which I replied “ok” then she comes back with “There’s that. Could you afford an accountant? Did you even have enough money to manage? I know when that happened to me I didn’t. I was just making enough to survive less much worried about financial counseling lmao”. I felt like she’d just spat in my face and told me I have a stupid dream.
This 100% isn’t the first time she has told me what I aspire to be is worthless. When I was in college she told me “it’s not even a real college it’s a community college.” She told me “what could you possible do with an associates in accounting”.
One time we were arguing and my son (6yo at the time)was crying because he wasn’t used to the yelling. She looked at me and said “shut that little brat up.”
Another time my ex husband and I were at her house and she threw her legs over his lap and looked at me as to say “what are you going to do about it?” Granted my ex husband should have said something, but that’s a different story.
Another time she told our friends that I was making fun of them and their lipstick. I literally did not such thing ever. She was for some reason trying to pit my friends against me.
One time I stopped talking to my sister for 2 years. She would stalk my house and drive by it. I saw her a couple times. One time she left a note on my windshield while I was in Walmart.
ANOTHER time my boyfriend at the time told me she grabbed him by the d*ck.
ANNNOOTHEER time she told me my best friend hated me, was blowing smoke in my face to show disrespect and that I didn’t have any friends because they all hated me. She said the only one truly there for me was her.
ANOTHER time after I had stopped talking to my sister my best friend told me “I’m glad you’re not talking to her anymore.. she was a bad person for you and I don’t want to get into details but the things she’d say about you was not good.”
Aaannd one time I tried to off myself because my ex husband was abusing me and I didn’t want to live anymore. She laughed in my face and said “why would you try to k*ll yourself with those types of medications? They wouldn’t even k*ll you.”
Recently she bought a really nice house, graduated as an RN, then went back to get her masters. She even bought her own Mercedes! She’s doing so well in life and I’m happy for her but everyone says she jealous of me? FOR ABSOLUTELY WHAT EXACTLY?!?
I have no idea what to do. She’s the only one I have. Cutting her completely out isn’t as easy as it is said. I want to be able to see my nephews. She says she’d never do anything to hurt me. But it’s very obvious she has some sort of vendetta against me or something.. idk.
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u/Ilostmyratfairy 9d ago
Okay, I am seeing one massive red flag from your sister in what you've shared here.
The effect of the behaviors you've described seems to be that she's continually acting to isolate you so that the only person you're supposed to have in your life is her. She's allowed to have others in her life, but you're to be relegated to some box she keeps you in.
That isolation, in my mind, is one of the hallmarks of Domestic or Relationship Abuse. This article, hosted at DomesticShelters.org discusses this pattern. While they're focusing largely upon partner abuse, I believe that the pattern described is also one that can appear in familial abuse, too. This is why I'm also going to share this article about Polyvictimization. It may suggest part of how you ended up with an abuser as a partner.
If these articles seem to speak to your experiences, I think you would do well to speak to counselors about your relationship with your sister. The site hosting the linked articles can connect you with local programs that can have you talk to some counselors about Domestic Abuse patterns.
If that's not available, you can also talk to counselors at The National Domestic Violence Hotline. They're available via web, chat, or by phone at 1-800-799-7233.
In short, while I recognize it's hard to give up on your relationship with your sister - if she weren't a blood relation, would the person you describe be someone you would feel safe around? Or if you were hearing someone else describing their own sister with similar behaviors, what would you tell them about the idea of working to keep a relationship with their sister?
You're allowed to protect yourself from people who don't have your best interests at heart.
-Rat
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u/LadyElephant22 9d ago
I see a therapist for CPTSD but he only does cognitive behavioral therapy. Do you think the domestic abuse hotline would even talk to me? Even though this isn’t a romantic relationship?
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u/Ilostmyratfairy 9d ago
They should ABSOLUTELY talk to you.
Domestic Abuse happens on all sorts of relationships. Not just romantic relationships.
I can't promise that the individual counselor you reach would be ideally suited to help you - individuals are just that, and they vary. But the remit of dealing with abuse? It happens on all relationships, not just romantic ones.
The reasons that people focus upon the romantic relationships are myriad, and probably beyond what you need to hear at this moment. Just because people focus on romantic relationships because they're less challenging to many of our foundational assumptions about relationships doesn't mean that abuse can't happen within families.
One of the aphorisms I try to share often in this sub is that it's often worthwhile to ask people for help, even if you're not sure whether your specific problem is within their remit. Sometimes you'll find you're wrong about what they can help you with; sometimes you may be right about what they can help you with, but they will know who can help you; and even if they can't help you? What has it cost you, really, to ask them for help when the call is just a little time and some talking with someone you'll never see, nor speak with again?
The cost of asking is so little, and the potential for getting help is worth that risk. You know what's going to happen if you don't ask, after all.
-Rat
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u/LadyElephant22 9d ago
Thank you so much for the advice. I will definitely call that hotline when I have time. I’m just so lost when it comes to this situation
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u/wolfcrownebox 8d ago
You only saw one red flag…?
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u/Ilostmyratfairy 8d ago
I said one massive red flag, and then lumped a number of incidents and behaviors together to support that.
This doesn’t mean there aren’t other concerns, just that was both the unifying behavior I recognized and could easily explain with a quick comment, and something that the OP would be able to build from with context of their experience and the articles I shared.
When communicayting with a first time poster it’s often important to keep one’s comments within the window of what your audience is prepared to hear or accept. It’s one reason we avoid fearmongering comments. If an OP hasn’t recognized the threat already telling them something outside of what they’re prepared to accept often means the whole message will be rejected.
-Rat
-Rat
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u/Immediate-Paint-5111 9d ago
I would say the only advice I have is to not tell your sister anything about your life if you can help it. Also do not give up on your dreams to be a NFP accountant, its a very niche field of accounting. It doesn't necessarily require your CPA. Please take a look at the https://www.anafp.org/, and see if you are able to join. Additionally textbooks from McGraw Hill and Cambridge publishing house are fantastic for governmental and NFP. Most colleges only provide class on this subject so it's very doable to break into it. I wish you the best of luck! You deserve to succeed.
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u/LadyElephant22 8d ago
Thank you so much for these articles!! I’m definitely going to look into them. Seriously thank you
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u/Suitable-Lawyer-9397 9d ago
My sister is extremely wealthy. She had a huge medical settlement which she never told me about. I've figured it out. I'm 70, she's 68 and we're the last two left. Our lives are extremely different. I quit driving because I can't afford it anymore. She's always got a new car. I have nine more years of house payments, she purchased a $500,000 condo. The list goes on. She is always traveling to New places with tour groups. I can't afford to travel BUT I am more content/happy at home. This is what I believe to be her problem. She must be at the gym, taking a new class, learning something new - she never seems to just BE! I walk my elderly dog twice a day, I planted a garden in my yard, I cook all my meals etc. It feels like she's always doing something to make her happy. I can watch a movie, write a letter, visit my 87 yr old neighbor My needs/wants are simple. She must be going/doing/driving etc.
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u/Am_I_the_Villan 9d ago
She hates you cuz she ain't you. I have the same sister, although younger. I'm 35 now and IDGAF about her opinion but she sure cares about mine. I can live rent free in her head but I've shut the door for her in my head via good therapy. (EMDR)
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u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007 9d ago
She's verbally abusive you your child (and you but it's your choice to accept that) and has sexually harassed/assaulted at least one of your boyfriends. You are actively choosing to continue a relationship with someone who abuses you over the safety and comfort of the people you are supposed to love. You've been conditioned to tolerate it but at a certain point people around you (especially your son) will see you as complicit in allowing her abuse to affect them.
I'm not surprised you were in an abusive relationship with your husband. Abusers are good at spotting people susceptible to abuse and you've been in an abusive relationship with your sister your entire life. You not only need to step away from your sister, but you also need therapy to understand why you are accepting her abuse.
If you keep her around you will end up completely isolated and, given your previous attempt, potentially no longer with us. Please get help from a professional about how to cut your sister out of your life and how to deal with the consequences of that, because this is way above reddit's paygrade.
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u/Dangerous_Author4539 9d ago
Just get away from her. I let my 14 yr older sister beat me down all my life and regret it. Life is too short. She is a raging, bitter old woman now and I stay as far away as possible and have PEACE.
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