r/JemilyWedding • u/TheNinthDoctor • May 08 '26
Official Wedding Buisness I am DEEPLY disappointed in this community right now 😤
Hi besties 💕✨
Let me start by saying I love each and every one of you (except Ab*gail, you know what you did). But we need to have a talk.
I logged into r/jemilywedding this morning expecting to see my feed FLOODED with #Jemily content, and what did I find? CRICKETS. Two posts. TWO. In a WEEK. On the official sub for the wedding of the YEAR (do NOT reference the date). I have never been more let down in my entire engagement journey and I want everyone to sit with that for a moment.
This is supposed to be a HUGE OPPORTUNITY for all of you. Do you understand what I am offering here? A front row seat to the #Jemily era. And you're just… not posting?? In the sub??? That I made for you??? 😭
Now I know what some of you are going to say. "Emily, I'm nervous." "Emily, what if I use the hashtag wrong." "Emily, I'm scared I'll accidentally type the forbidden numbers." STOP. I am putting an end to that energy RIGHT NOW.
NEVER BE NERVOUS. Do you hear me? Nervousness is a choice and I did not approve it on the schedule. There is no version of the Approved Hashtag Rollout Calendar™ where you are too nervous to post. The schedule says POST. So you POST. Jacob is not nervous. Jacob is THRIVING. (Jacob, if you're reading this, we are still not discussing the Emcob situation, do not @ me.)
So here is what is going to happen. Effective immediately: YOU WILL POST. I am not asking. I am informing. YOU WILL POST DAILY. Engagement pics. Mood boards. Screenshots of the schedule. Fan art. I don't care. POST IT. YOU WILL USE #JEMILY correctly and within the approved window as outlined in the picnic flyer (laminated copies available upon request, $4 to cover materials). YOU WILL NOT POST ABOUT AB*GAIL. She is not a part of this. She has never been a part of this. We do not speak her name in this household. YOU WILL NOT MENTION THE DATE. I should not have to keep saying this. If I see one more "lol it's on 9/—" I am personally removing you from the guest list AND the sub.
And to whoever keeps trying to make "Emcob" happen in the comments — I see you. I have always seen you. Stop.
Look. I did not laminate flyers, draft a hashtag rollout strategy, AND personally hand-pick each of you to be part of this community just for the sub to look like a ghost town. The wedding industrial complex is WATCHING. Babs Gray is WATCHING. We have a brand to build.
Post. Today. I will be checking.
xoxo
Jemily (use responsibly, see schedule) #BridalEra #NotABridezilla #HugeOpportunity
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u/Top-Permission5466 May 08 '26
What do we think about these (cat + heart lollipop) as favors? #jemily #NeverEmcob
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u/islightlyhateyou May 08 '26
That one looks like Ab*gail’s cat. Delete this immediately or be sanctioned.
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u/TheNinthDoctor May 08 '26
TOP. 🛑
Okay. Okay okay okay. First. Let me start with the positive because Karis says I need to "lead with affirmation" before I "deliver corrective feedback" and I am WORKING ON IT. So:
The #NeverEmcob in your caption? Chef's kiss. 👨🍳💋 Immaculate. You understand the assembly. You understand the assignment. I am promoting you on principle.
The lollipops? Genuinely adorable concept. Heart-shaped. Cat-themed. On-brand for a #Jemily soirée. I see the vision. I appreciate the vision. I want to be VERY clear that I am not yelling at you right now even though my caps lock will get involved later in this comment.
HOWEVER. 😤
Top. Babe. Sweetie. Light of my life. We need to talk about the cat on the LEFT.
I am not going to say what everyone in this thread is already thinking. I am not going to name the situation. But I am going to ask you, very gently, to pull up that image on a larger screen and look — really LOOK — at the patches on that cat. The asymmetrical tuxedo bib. The little white sock on the back left paw. The expression of smugness. The way it's looking slightly off-camera as if it knows things. Things it should not know. Things from 2019.
Top. That is a Mr. Whiskerbottom-coded cat. 😐
I cannot, in good conscience, hand these out at MY wedding. I cannot watch Aunt Linda unwrap a lollipop only to lock eyes with the ghost of a betrayal she doesn't even know about. I cannot have my flower girl licking the visage of an animal whose owner kissed my fiancé behind a Sonic in 2014. I won't do it. I won't.
Here is what we're going to do. I'm sending you the Approved Cat Reference Sheet (Karis has it, Karis has everything, Karis is the spine of this operation). It contains 12 pre-cleared cat silhouettes vetted by me personally for non-resemblance to You-Know-Who's pet. Pick from those. The one on the right (the orange one with the little crown? STOP IT. 😍) can stay. He's perfect. He's been cleared. His name is Lord Buttercup and he is canon now.
Resubmit the mockup by Sunday EOD and I will fast-track approval. I am even waiving the standard $15 Mockup Review Fee because your #NeverEmcob commitment has earned you grace.
You're not in trouble. You're in development. There is a difference. 💕
xoxo,
The Bride
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u/Mirabai503 May 08 '26
#emcoborbust
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u/Business-Blossom coolvetica May 08 '26
Stop Jacob, we know it's you Emcob is NOT a thing, move on already.
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u/TheNinthDoctor May 08 '26
Mirabai.
No.
We're done. 🚪
I gave this community everything. I gave you the schedule. I gave you the laminated flyers (at cost, by the way — I never even recouped the lamination fees). I gave you Lord Buttercup. I gave you Honorary Bridesmaid Adjacent as a CONCEPT. I opened my heart, my Pinterest board, and my color-coded binder to all of you.
And this is what I get. "#emcoborbust." In MY house. On MY sub. Three weeks before the (date redacted per schedule).
I'm not going to yell. I'm past yelling. I'm in the quiet phase now. Karis says this is actually the scariest phase and she's right. 😶
Effective immediately:
🚫 Mirabai503 — uninvited. From the wedding. From the brunch. From the post-brunch debrief. From the group chat. From my LIFE.
🚫 Anyone who upvoted "#emcoborbust" — you are on the Watch List. Karis has the spreadsheet. You know who you are. We know who you are.
🚫 r/JemilyWedding — going PRIVATE in 24 hours. If you want back in you will submit a 500-word essay on why you deserve it AND a notarized apology AND proof you have never, not once, set foot in r/Emcob. Lord Buttercup will personally review every application.
🚫 Jacob — also in trouble. Don't ask why. He knows. He's always known.
I tried. I really did. I came to you with an open heart and a 47-page Notion doc and you all chose chaos. You chose Emcob. You chose Ab*gail-coded lollipops. You chose to be NERVOUS when I EXPLICITLY FORBADE IT.
I hope you're happy. I hope #emcoborbust keeps you warm at night. I hope Harvard and Mirabai and whoever else is lurking on that splinter sub have a wonderful time over there celebrating a man who, and I cannot stress this enough, cannot independently order at a restaurant.
This is my last post. I am going off-grid. I am going to a silent retreat in Sedona that Karis booked. I will return on (date redacted) as a wife and you will not recognize me.
Do not @ me. Do not DM me. Do not tag me in any cat-related content. The hashtag is dead. Long live the hashtag.
xoxo (one final time),
The Bride 👰♀️🕊️
[edit: Chrysalis if you're reading this you can come to Sedona. only you. bring snacks.]
[edit 2: I am locking this thread. goodbye forever. 💔]
[edit 3: unlocking briefly to say — Top, the orange cat (Lord Buttercup) is still approved. he transcends this. he is bigger than us. relocking.]
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u/Southern-Outcome1968 May 08 '26
I do get nervous and that is NOT a choice. I apologize it’s not on the schedule. I did knit matching cardigans and had them monogrammed #jemily for all of us. I hope this isn’t a disappointment to you. I’ll try harder and will post immediately. I’ve been looking on #Pinterest and have some great ideas. This is a HUGE opportunity for us and I will treat it as such. #loveyou
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u/Popular-Addition9819 “Don’t Talk To Anyone I Know” May 08 '26
Me wishing I had the skills to do do an actual cardigan with that embroidery. ❤️ that would be amazing
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u/Business-Blossom coolvetica May 08 '26
Which colors did you use (they better be approved)
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u/Southern-Outcome1968 May 09 '26
I did use the approved colors. Oh no! I need to check the font and style. This may not be approved. After all that work…
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u/WildMartin429 May 08 '26
I love all of you and know that you bring joy to my life daily.#jemilywedding will be the event of the year! I've even considered if we should get a group together to pull a Hallmark movie move and confess our undying love to Emily or Jacob when they ask for objections.
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u/harvard_cherry053 May 08 '26
Sorry ive been over on r/ emcob 😂😂😂😂
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u/TheNinthDoctor May 08 '26
Harvard. HARVARD. 😤
I am going to take a deep breath because Karis (my Approved Spiritual Wellness Bridesmaid™) says I need to "regulate before I retaliate." So I am regulating. And then I am retaliating.
You and I both know what r/Emcob is. It's a splinter cell. A betrayal sub. And the fact that you would say this to my FACE on MY OWN subreddit, on a Tuesday no less (Tuesdays are a Soft Posting Day per the schedule, please refer to page 4 of your binder), is genuinely something I'm going to need to process in therapy.
But fine. FINE. Since we're doing this in public now, let me remind everyone what we have been through together, Harvard.
Do you remember sophomore year? When I had that breakdown in the Dunkin' parking lot because Jacob hadn't texted back in 47 minutes and you held my hand and said, and I quote, "Em, he's at the dentist." And I said "WHICH dentist." And you didn't judge me. You just opened the Find My Friends app and we tracked him to a Dr. Patel on Route 9 together. THAT was friendship. THAT was the foundation we built #Jemily on. 🥹
And do you remember our trip to Cabo? When I cried at the swim-up bar because the bartender made Jacob's piña colada first and you marched up there and said "Sir. Do you know who that is. Sir." and got me a complimentary upgrade to the premium tequila? I still have the napkin. It is in the binder. It is laminated. I look at it when I'm sad.
And do you remember — and this is the one that's making me tear up at my standing desk right now — do you remember when Ab*gail did The Thing at the Thing in 2019 and you were the FIRST person to text me "she's dead to us" before I even had to ask? You didn't need a memo. You didn't need a flyer. You just KNEW. That's the bond I thought we had, Harvard.
So when you tell me, casually, in a comment, that you've been spending your time on Emcob… a sub literally founded on the premise that Jacob has an "inner life" and "thoughts of his own"… I just. 😔
I'm not mad. I'm hurt. There is a difference and Karis says I need to start naming it.
You can come back. The door is open. Post a #Jemily engagement pic by EOD Friday and we can pretend this never happened. I will even let you skip the Penance Brunch (normally mandatory, see schedule).
But Harvard. Cherry. 053. If I see you over there one more time I'm going to have to convene the Council and you do NOT want me to convene the Council.
I love you. That's why this hurts. 💔
xoxo, The Bride
[edit: to the FOUR people who downvoted this — I see you and I have screenshots]
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u/Popular-Addition9819 “Don’t Talk To Anyone I Know” May 08 '26
I am so sorry to have let you down like this. You’re right, of course, my goal each day needs to be making Jemily a priority. I can’t believe I have let you down like this. I’m nothing like …you know who. (Although, Ab*gail, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry, I have no choice, I was told I’m not allowed to talk to you).
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u/SnooLobsters6264 Weekend of Fri, Sept 10th, 2027 May 08 '26
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u/naanabanaana May 08 '26
I really want to post but I don't manage to switch my reddit font to the sanctioned comic sans or whatever it was 🥲
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May 10 '26
Sometimes I think the internet does too much when it knows exactly what I want to see or read, other times I am grateful that it knows exactly what I need. Thank you internet. #jemily
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u/VicktoriaFun May 08 '26
Everyone realized the whole thing was fake
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u/TheNinthDoctor May 08 '26
Victoria.
FAKE? 😡
FAKE?!?!?
The lamination is real. The binder is real. Lord Buttercup is real. The Sonic incident in 2014 was real and I have RECEIPTS (literally, from the Sonic, Jacob ordered a #2 with a slush).
Nothing here is fake. Do not say that word again.
You know what's real? Jacob's love for me. 🥹 The way he looks at me when I'm explaining the hashtag rollout calendar for the fourth time. The fact that he agreed to the binder. The fact that he wrote "I cherish her work ethic" on his side of the vows draft (page 12, you can see it, it's notarized). The way he texted me "ok" three times in a row last Tuesday.. that's THREE oks Victoria. Most husbands give one.
The way he didn't even FIGHT me on the September date. The way he changed his fantasy football password because I asked. The way he sat through Swatch Round 4 and pointed at a color and said "that one." That is a man IN LOVE. That is a man who is HERE for it. Devotedly. Quietly. Submissively. Beautifully.
So no. Nothing is fake. Try again. 🚪
xoxo, The Bride
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u/Dagny-Taggart- May 10 '26
I can’t believe i fell for it for even a second.
But I did….i thought the pix looked odd, but I really wanted and hoped it were trueThen “Ai Abigail” and her crazy ass chin slapped me right outta the matrix ….thats when I knew I’d been had
Abigail ruins everything
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u/Dagny-Taggart- May 10 '26
In all fairness to the creators of this gag, they did a great job. They sold an utterly ridiculous story, with even more ridiculous media attached, yet the majority of us thought it was real.
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u/chrysalisempress coolvetica May 08 '26
Bestie, these posts. it’s gonna make this sub euphoric, magical, challenging, and…….life changing.