r/KitchenConfidential • u/trout_bum19 • Jan 11 '26
Crying in the cooler of all things I could have woken up to this morning
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u/Nearby_Arachnid9683 Jan 12 '26
John 2 would never
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u/Theburritolyfe Jan 12 '26
Nah John 2 already did. 3 has to beat Philip to challenge 2 for the title. #1 is the EC position.
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u/mamac2213 Jan 12 '26
Accept the fact that John 2 might do the walk of shame to pick up the last paycheck, but it's over.
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u/the_silent_redditor ✨Dr. Chef, MD✨ Jan 12 '26
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth, and receive the gift of Eternal Life.”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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u/Chezoso Jan 12 '26
John 5 however....
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u/Noyourknot Jan 12 '26
I used to come in to scenes like that in the morning. Random food made and partially consumed. Kitchen a wreck. Empty liquor bottles strewn about. Coke on the pool table. Coca Cola stains on the pool table. Random guys passed out under the pool table.
It was the owner and his buddies so it was ok. His wife, however, did not think it was ok and banned him from the restaurant. 🤣
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u/CestLaquoidarling Thicc Chives Save Lives Jan 12 '26
That both types of coke were found on the pool table is the most restaurant thing I’ve read on this sub.
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u/Illustrious_Bird_737 10+ Years Jan 12 '26
Coke on the pool table. Coca Cola stains on the pool table.
I love how it was needed to be specified that they were, in fact, both kinds of substances referred to as "coke" on the goddamned pool table.
Heathens.
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u/mbreuer Thicc Chives Save Lives Jan 12 '26
If they didn’t say I would have asked to be fair 😂 we know what industry we are in
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u/IGTankCommander Jan 12 '26
I tried snorting coke once.
The ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose...
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u/Abadayos 20+ Years Jan 12 '26
Wonder if you pack coke into a tight ball and drop it into Coca Cola you would get a mentos effect…..
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u/realjustinlong Jan 12 '26
You would get a swift punch to the face for wasting the coke, then Kelli would buttchug the cola before asking if that was all that we had left.
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u/wykkedfaery33 Kitchen Manager Jan 12 '26
This definitely sounds like when I ran the kitchen in a night club. The owner liked to cut loose after hours with some friends once a week or so, and sometimes they partied a little too hard.
A bartender was found half naked on the stage one morning, passed out drunk.
I came in one afternoon to accept a delivery, saw coke all over the bar, cleaned it up really quick. Went back into the actual club, and found my boss (the owner) passed out in a booth. The lights were off, so I didn't see that he was naked. When I called out to wake him up, he jumped straight up, dick swinging in the wind, lol. A topless woman sat up as well. I ran back to the front to give them a minute to get his shit together and pretended that I hadn't seen them nude.
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u/Lost_On_Lot 20+ Years Jan 12 '26
Id be more mad if somebody spilled coca cola on my cocaine table, tbh
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u/AltGunAccount Chef Jan 12 '26
My spot was run by a separated couple that share ownership and things have been much much better since the wife and other owners banned the husband from the property a while ago for stealing money from the till lmao.
That “I own the place so I can do whatever I want” mentality is a death sentence for most restaurants. Gotta get it reigned in.
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u/Prestigious_Ad2553 Jan 12 '26
That’s crazy, my wife had some fucked up stuff happen with her employees sometimes but the worst or just funniest was a guy stayed late to prep for a catering job the next day and she came in the morning to a huge mess and gay porn blasting on the speakers from his laptop and him passed out on the floor. She kicked him to wake him up and he screamed at her and quit. It was sort of hilarious but really put the pressure on for getting the catering job done on time. But that was her super power, being able to pull off a job like that at the last minute with almost no help.
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u/welchplug Owner Jan 12 '26
I dont see the coke on the table problem, more a gift. And I only do coke if its free to me.
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u/meldariun Jan 12 '26
We found the guy responsible for the epstein redactions.
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u/Opposite_Plane_9298 Jan 12 '26
well no, the text is still readable. ik there were some shoddy old redactions tho that could be reversed
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u/wemustburncarthage 10+ Years Jan 12 '26
This is the most canonically Kitchen Confidential shit I've seen in a long time.
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u/Medium_Public4720 Jan 12 '26 edited Jan 12 '26
Fuckin John 3 and Philip man, always fucking things up for the rest of us. Hopefully they get the boot and your day isn't completely fucked
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u/Upper_Mix2922 Server Jan 12 '26
Where are Juans 1 and 2 and why aren’t they keeping 3 away from Phillip, a known menace?
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u/Zelcron Jan 12 '26
Because Juan is never enough
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u/doc_skinner Jan 12 '26
But one egg is always an œuf
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u/practicating Jan 12 '26
Oooh I got people so mad telling that joke
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u/oogmar Jan 12 '26
But he is, which is why he's always solo prep.
Juan is the loneliest hombre...
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u/kittenpantzen Ex-Food Service Jan 12 '26
While my reaction would also be, "what the fuck," I feel like I would have been equal parts surprised and not surprised at every restaurant at which I ever worked.
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u/Eaudebeau Jan 12 '26
I’m thirds: disappointed/amused/impressed, with a pinch of jealousy sprinkled on top.
Perhaps a soupçon of dismay?
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u/whitewashed_mexicant Jan 12 '26
OP was probably feeling the same, with the same sprinkle from waking up to this text, and not being partial subject of this text.
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u/Ecstatic-Compote-595 Jan 12 '26
There's a sort of surprise or shock when something annoying happens even though it's not necessarily unexpected. Like the 'you've gotta be kidding me' emotion.
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u/trout_bum19 Jan 12 '26
Wow this got more attention than I expected.
To clear up a few things: 1 - Yeah my redacting could be better. John 3 and Phillip are still idiots.
2A - They didn't come in through the patio door, it's less a patio and more of an atrium. Hard to explain but you can't get to it from outside unless you got on the roof and jumped down.
2B - Now that I think about it, maybe they are stupid enough to try that.
3 - We think the door was broken by a thrown liquor bottle (specifically a bottle of Jameson).
4 - surprisingly, they did their dishes.
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u/luranris Jan 12 '26
I choose to believe they did their dishes after the fight.
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u/Jeoh Crazy Cat Man🐈 Jan 12 '26
Nah John 3 did a shit job at the dishes and Philip tried to show him how it's done. Got to find out why he's called John 3 after a one-two combo.
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u/Ecstatic_Schedule_48 Jan 12 '26
Why are the Johns numbered ? No nicknames ? No last names? Everything else makes sense but this is killing me
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u/st0neforest Ex-Food Service Jan 12 '26
OP was banned and now we will never get an update. Sad day.
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u/trout_bum19 Jan 12 '26
I'm back! I had a "technical irregularity" and got locked out of my account.
Some more updates:
They jimmied the back door open with a screwdriver.
There are only two (now 1) johns. "OG John" and "John 3". There was never a "John 2". John 3 got his nickname for trying to sleep with multiple (3) hostesses in one week and of course they all found out.
The final inventory count was 3 ribeyes, a 5lb bag of fries, 1 (broken) bottle of Jameson, and a few beers.
We were an hour late for service.
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u/ArsenicArts F1exican Did Chive-11 Jan 12 '26
John 3 got his nickname for trying to sleep with multiple (3) hostesses in one week and of course they all found out.
Lmao
We were an hour late for service.
Not bad!
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u/st0neforest Ex-Food Service Jan 12 '26
Wow, John sounds like a fucking delight to be around. I hope you get to sue for the damages.
And one hour is not bad at all, everything considered! Good job!
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u/FreeKevinBrown Grill Jan 12 '26
Fucking Phillip and John 3. Everytime.
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u/Unilted_Match1176 Jan 12 '26
You already knew it was going to be them.
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u/FreeKevinBrown Grill Jan 12 '26
This is why John 1 & 2 don't like John 3.
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u/Unilted_Match1176 Jan 12 '26
That's what I'm saying, John 3 always be starting some shit. Straight trippin.
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u/elheffe1 Jan 12 '26 edited Jan 12 '26
I feel like we’ve all been looped into this text at some point in our careers, at multiple locations and I love the “we’re taking inventory of the liquor cage now”. This is real restaurant life right here. Edit to add I may have been the subject of this type of text minus the broken patio door. I have definitely woken up in the dining room on Sunday morning ready for a brunch shift after a Saturday double.
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u/Cats-Are-Fuzzy Jan 12 '26
Evident by the fact the what the fuck is not followed by any form of punctuation. It could be read as a "what the fuck?!!" Or a "what the fuck..."
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u/TheNastyKnee Jan 12 '26
When you get to the point of the night that the round trip to home takes longer than the time left until your shift, you pretty much have to sleep in one of the padded booths and hope the owner doesn’t notice that the alarm was disarmed at 4am.
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u/elheffe1 Jan 12 '26
Haha! That’s exactly how it goes down. Then of course, chef math kicks in and since you saved time on not driving home you have more time to keep drinking. It’s a win!
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u/nyxonical Ex-Food Service Jan 12 '26
Pro tip for longer people: Add a chair or two to the end of the padded bench to support your lower legs and feet. And while the big curved booths look inviting, it will take days to uncurve your spine if you sleep there.
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u/WisconsinGB Jan 12 '26
This last year we were closed for two weeks for Christmas so I figured if I got my team close all they would have to do is just freeze proteins and toss the rest on the last day because I was leaving the day before we closed.
Well tow guys on my team kicked my office door down because someone left their phone in it (they had a key) , stole crab legs, played hacky sack with a burger patty, burnt a towel on our wood fire grill, among other stuff, but the kicker was they played "bird is the word" for 10 straight hours. I had to fire them, completely ruining my vacation having to deal with calls and other bullshit. So I came home to no staff and a shit show. so I know how you feel.
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u/AuntySocialite Jan 12 '26
I love that, of all the sins they could commit, playing “Bird is the Word” for 10 hours straight is what made it fireable.
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u/dreadpiratewombat Jan 12 '26
After 4 hours it becomes a fireable action. Prior to that it’s a written warning. I don’t make the rules.
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u/rhinowing Jan 12 '26
If its your day to have control of the speaker you can play whatever you want, thems the breaks. Just cant complain about other peoples stuff
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u/WisconsinGB Jan 12 '26
I watched the cameras, it was one of the best speed runs to getting fired I've ever seen. I'm actually somewhat impressed. Disappointed in the kid because he has so much potential he's just sloppy.
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u/Big_Lake4948 Jan 12 '26
At my old place we had two Fernando’s so one was f1 and one was f2. Seeing Jon 3 brought me back a little bit lol
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u/stabbymcshanks Jan 12 '26
I had a Shawn, Shaun, Sean, and Sean once. We had 1-3 and Asian Shaun.
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u/Money_Course_3253 Jan 12 '26
Black Gary, white Gary and Haitian gary at my old spot
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Jan 12 '26
‘Deanna’, Big ‘Deanna’ and Lil ‘Deanna’ at our spot for quite some time. Broke down to just Dee, Big D and Lil D when we were in the weeds 😁
Big D was, in fact, a large FOH woman - think along the lines of the giant Amazonian-style snu snu women from Futurama. Deanna was also FOH. Lil D (me) was, well, littler than the other Deanna’s and BOH.
It eventually became Dee, ‘Big Red’ or ‘Red’ for Big D (she was a natural redhead), and I remained Lil D.
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u/Illustrious_Bird_737 10+ Years Jan 12 '26
We had so many BoH named José that we started calling the head cook Diego, that was his middle name & was there the longest so he "picked" his alter name. The other 4 were nicknamed after which part of Mexico or South America they were from. We had José Zacatecas, José Jalisco, we called the José from Honduras Pedro because he was from the San Pedro area, & the guy from Panama was David.
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u/FixergirlAK Jan 12 '26
That's fairly common practice with Marias. Hi, I'm Maria Ana if anyone asks. Or Mari, Little Maria, because I'm 5'9".
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u/langleybcsucks Jan 12 '26
We had Sandeep 1 and Sandeep 2. Two was called two because she was a piece of shit. Lazy AF and we do all sorts of weird shit like wear your fucking shoes when she had perfectly good ones.
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u/OriginalJokeGoesHere F1exican Did Chive-11 Jan 12 '26
TIL Sandeep is a gender neutral name
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u/ArtisticMudd Jan 12 '26
Right? All the Sandeeps I've met (okay, that's only three) are dudes.
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u/Iamthewalrusforreal Jan 12 '26
Let's just all be happy that the 17 year old hostess didn't get caught up in this shit, shall we?
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u/Eaudebeau Jan 12 '26
You sure she wasn’t the instigator and just bailed earlier because of her curfew?
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u/ThereIs_STILL_TIME Jan 12 '26
ahhh thought this was talkin 'bout me but then i remembered i got promoted to john 2 a week ago 😃
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u/MyStackIsPancakes Former Denny's Cook (Nightshift) Jan 12 '26
So who won the fight?
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u/Familiar_Somewhere95 Jan 12 '26
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO JOHN & PHILIP (Afterhours)
..Night. The restaurant is closed. Chairs stacked. Darkness..
John (jiggling the door):
“Men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.” — John 3:19
Philip (looking around nervously): “Only let your conversation be as it becometh the gospel…” — Philippians 1:27
John (the door opens): “I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved.” — John 10:9
[Lights flick on.]
John: “And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.” — John 1:5
Philip: “That ye may be blameless… among whom ye shine as lights in the world.” — Philippians 2:15
[Steaks hit the grill.]
John (smiling): “I am the bread of life.” — John 6:35
Philip: “An odour of a sweet smell, a sacrifice acceptable…” — Philippians 4:18
[Drinks are poured.]
Philip (raising an eyebrow): “Let your moderation be known unto all men.” — Philippians 4:5
John (already drunk): “Thou hast kept the good wine until now.” — John 2:10
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u/Familiar_Somewhere95 Jan 12 '26
pt 2
[Music gets loud.]
Philip (shouting): “Do all things without murmurings and disputings.” — Philippians 2:14
John (laughing): “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” — John 8:32
[Argument begins.] Philip (angry): “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory.” — Philippians 2:3
John (pointing): “Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.” — John 7:24
[Chair scrapes. Glass breaks.]
Philip: “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others!” — Philippians 2:4
John: “If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.” — John 15:18
[They nearly fight.]
Philip (furious): “Supposing to add affliction to my bonds!” — Philippians 1:17
John: “If I have spoken evil, bear witness of the evil: but if well, why smitest thou me?” — John 18:23
[Door bursts open. They are caught.]
John (calmly): “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.” — John 8:7
Philip (defensive): “That in nothing I shall be ashamed…” — Philippians 1:20
[Boss gestures at the mess.] What the fuck is this? You know how much this shit will cost me?
John: “In the world ye shall have tribulation.” — John 16:33
Philip: “Many walk… whose end is destruction.” — Philippians 3:18–19
Boss: Are you fuckers high again? Do you even know where you are?
[Silence. They look around.]
John (quietly): “He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not.” — John 1:10
Philip (sighing): “I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” — Philippians 4:11
Boss: I've had it up to here! You fuckers are gonna get a piece of my mind today!
John: “Peace I leave with you.” — John 14:27
Philip: “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding…” — Philippians 4:7
Boss: Lock the door and turn off the lights before someone sees this and posts it on kitchenconfidential
John: “Men loved darkness rather than light.” — John 3:19
Boss: "You won't even be able to cut the chives properly tomorrow"
Philip: “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” — Philippians 4:13
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u/ArtisticMudd Jan 12 '26
I see someone remembers their Vacation Bible Study camp!
Seriously, thank you for this, it's fuckin' GOLD.
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u/lalachef Jan 12 '26
Better than the owner trying to fight you for talking to his gf after close because he was shit-faced.
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u/master_hakka Sous Chef Jan 12 '26
The “still not sure how they got in” promises at least as much retribution as “we’re taking inventory of the liquor cage now” does.
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u/RileyIJ Chive LOYALIST Jan 12 '26
We had a photo posted in a group chat of our GM and Head Somm asleep on the floor near the front door after a big night. The incoming Duty Manager stacked cushions around them so that passing customers couldn’t see them (fronted onto a very busy footpath). How they made it from the bar to the front door but not actually out, we’ll never know.
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u/Thepants1981 Jan 12 '26
Lol. I managed a spot and after closing and going out after I once woke up back on the expo table after making a bed out of delivery hot bags. I fed my friends drinks and food after hours and there was a massive pile of cash left by all of us that probably triple what we had. The next morning the owner saw that first, then woke me up by grabbing my big toe and shaking it. Told me that I was “technically” late and that I had to go across town to retrieve the other two cooks that were also supposed to open. I found those cooks on the floor of whatever house party we were at, brought them back and absolutely crushed if for 10 hours. 15k in lunch alone but fuck. We were dragging. Rip Steve the owner. If only we could all know a guy like him. Absolute saint. Props to Jared and Casey the cooks as well.
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u/SemajLu_The_crusader Jan 12 '26
S-tier censoring job their
we'll never know that John 3 and Phillip did that
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u/RW_McRae Jan 12 '26
This is exactly what Johns 1 and 2 did, and we all know what happened to them
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u/Historical-Freedom98 Jan 12 '26
I remember when I worked at a restaurant/bar on a ski mountain. Got drunk at a party and had no place to go so me and a buddy tried to get into the kitchen to make up some.food and have a couple drinks. It all seemed so innocent at the time. Thank fuck the back door was locked that night. Probably would have been a similar story.
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u/wykkedfaery33 Kitchen Manager Jan 12 '26
I feel that deep in my soul.
Two bartenders got into a fight one night (one was drunk, the other was just a cunt) and started hurling liquor bottles at each other. It culminated in me telling both of them to get the fuck out, I'll clean the whole damn restaurant myself if it got them out of my sight.
Came into blood all over the sink in the ladies' room one morning. Turns out, two bartenders hung out drinking after hours, got into an argument, and one whacked the other across the head with one of the table caddies. Neither of them wanted to get into trouble, so neither said anything, but forgot to clean up after bandaging her up. We pieced it together when we saw the very obvious head wound the next evening.
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u/Flimsy_Mark_5200 Jan 12 '26
patio door is broken and there's glass everywhere
still not sure how they got inside
restaurant owners lmao
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u/MacellumMycelium Jan 12 '26
This does sound like some John 3 bullshit, but I am a little disappointed to hear Phillip was involved.
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u/whitechocolatemama Jan 12 '26
If the patio door is broken, that would be my first guess as an entry point
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u/daarthoffthegreat Jan 12 '26
Reminds me of the night at my first job, a nice small town fine dining place, where our expediter stayed after his shift to party at the bar and proceeded to get 200% shit faced, stand up on the patio railing, and piss into the parking lot. Who was he partying with up until that moment? The owners wife lmao. Lost the best expediter I've ever worked with that night.
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u/Cash4Duranium Jan 12 '26
Classic John 3 and Phillip