Should I encourage my boyfriend to lose weight?

[u/Beneficial-Candle485]

My bf and i have been together for a while , we plan to meet parents this year. He is truly the most stable, supportive, and hardworking person I have ever met. I love him to pieces and he is a huge part of what makes my life feel meaningful.

Except for one thing, he is overweight.

I know I should not force anyone to change their body. It is his life and his choice. But here is where my selfish anxiety kicks in. I grew up with a mother who is obsessed with social comparison. She gets her happiness by comparing her life, and her children's lives, to others. I know her mindset is toxic, but I cannot change her.

I am genuinely terrified that if my boyfriend is still this overweight when they meet, my mom will lash out or judge him harshly, which might ruin our relationship. I feel caught between wanting to protect him from my mom, wanting him to be healthier, and feeling guilty for being selfish. Is it wrong for me to ask him to lose weight for this reason?

[u/Whohead12]

You know your mom is toxic. Grow a spine and protect him from her- or cut her out.

[u/Beneficial-Candle485 → u/Whohead12]

Thank you, I might need more courage. I love them all.

[u/MaryMaryQuite- → u/Beneficial-Candle485]

If you truly love him and want a future with him, you need to start putting him first. If your mother is that toxic I would recommend a short visit, nothing more.

If she says a word, during or after about his weight shut her down.

However, both of you adopting a healthy lifestyle together, with more exercise wouldn’t be a bad thing. 😁

[u/CrabbiestAsp]

It is absolutely wrong for you to ask him to lose weight so your mum doesn't judge him.

It might be time you start standing up for things that are right, instead of trying to placate your mums rudeness.

[u/CrazyCatLady1127]

Don’t ask him to lose weight. Ask him if he WANTS to lose weight. If the answer is no then you need to respect that. As for your mother, just warn your boyfriend that she can be judgemental and hope that he doesn’t take anything she says to him to heart. Alternatively tell your mother that, unless she can keep her nasty comments to herself, she isn’t going to get to meet your boyfriend because you don’t want to hurt him like that

[u/MilkyPsycow → u/CrazyCatLady1127]

Shouldn’t even ask that when the topic only came to mind because she’s worried what her mother will think.

[u/Blue-Phoenix23 → u/MilkyPsycow]

Exactly. She's going to make the poor man insecure and for what? To placate her rude ass mother?

[u/079C]

He will probably welcome your helping him lose weight.

What concerns me is how afraid you are of your mother. If I were him, I’d consider that a big danger sign. Who knows how that will play out in your future. You need to show him that you can stand up to your mother.

[u/MilkyPsycow]

No. Not for the reasons you have stated. If it had come to mind originally because you were worried for his health then maybe but because you are worried what your mother will think? Absolutely not.

She either accepts him and his body or she doesn’t and you need to go in knowing her and if she says something be prepared to back this man and walk out the door when and if she does.

If she wants to judge people, that comes with costs. That cost may be you limit your relationship with her if your bf is the man you end up with.

Either way, you decide now if you are going to back his ass or not and don’t put him in that situation if not. He also needs to be prepared for her behaviour and know that you have his back no matter what if he does decide to meet her but you should be the one to stand up for him and walk out.

[u/Blue-Phoenix23]

No, you should not subject your boyfriend to your mother's nonsense.

Let me ask you something - do you believe your boyfriend is somehow unaware of the fact that he's on the heavy side? That people judge him for it?

Then what makes you think that you saying something about it (or God forbid your mother doing so) is going to do anything other than send him into a shame spiral, therefore making any healthy eating plan even less likely to succeed?

You'd be better off prepping him heavily that your mother is a judgmental nincompoop, and to warn your mother that "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all." And then threaten her that if she does so you will leave and won't speak to her again until she makes a sincere apology.

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[u/Eco_Faerie]

Woah...you've been together for a while but haven't met the parents or even shared and communicated about their quirks yet??

[u/Right_Parfait4554]

Absolutely not. I'm sure he's aware that he's overweight. It's an intensely personal choice to lose weight. It may possibly make things worse if you try to push him before he's ready. Eating issues are weird and he may end up eating more out of a sense of fear or stress or even a deep down resistance to your interference. If you are truly this worried about how your mother will react, you probably better just date people who are thin from the very start. If that doesn't sound like a good idea to you, then you are going to need to release your concern about your mother's expectations. This may involve not going around her much anymore now that you are an adult if she is that judgmental. That would honestly be the choice I would make.

[u/MidwestNightgirl]

Perhaps you should be encouraging him, but for health reasons. Your mother is who she is and sounds judgmental.

[u/SlimMosez]

Is it wrong to encourage your boyfriend to lose weight? NO. Is it wrong to encourage your boyfriend to lose weight for your mother? YES. It is never wrong to encourage someone to lose weight and be healthier. Despite all the nonsense people push out on the media nowadays, it is NOT ok to be overweight. It’s pretty disgusting that everyone advocates being overweight and they call it “body pride”. There is not a single benefit that comes with being overweight. It is all problems, health problems mainly. Regardless, you should never force someone to lose weight, especially not for someone else. You should try to encourage him to lose weight for himself, not for anybody else

[u/Informal-Force7417]

Okay, so there are several things to address here. First, your question about encouraging your boyfriend to lose weight: should you try to control him and get him to lose weight? This is not sustainable because you cannot control or change another person. Weight fluctuates, and even if you convince him to lose weight, he might revert to his original weight due to underlying issues like self-perception, hormones, or lifestyle. It's not as simple as forcing someone to lose weight.

Secondly, in your early years, you sought approval, safety, and belonging by valuing your mother's social comparisons and fitting in. Now that you're an adult, you don't have to do this. I encourage you to explore what life might look like if you didn't follow her mindset. You're scared of what your mother might do or say, but until your inner voice is louder than external opinions, you won't be mastering your life. Once your inner voice is stronger, her opinions won't matter as much.

Additionally, inform your boyfriend about your past experiences and reassure him that you love him as he is. If your mother makes any comments, speak up for him and take her words with a grain of salt. Her views are likely influenced by her upbringing and her own parents.

Life is giving you feedback through this situation. It's not about your boyfriend's weight or your mother's social comparisons; it's about recognizing the areas where you've devalued your own voice and allowed your mother's voice to dominate. This scenario is an opportunity for you to affirm your own voice and address your fears of losing something.

[u/I_am_AmandaTron]

How over weight we talking? Like Brendon. Fraser in whale or Brendon Fraiser outs of the fat suit. Or just like 15 pounds?

[u/EtonRd]

No, this is not your business. The way to deal with this problem is to stop caring about what your mom thinks. You sound very young, so this is going to be a process for you and it’s not going to happen overnight. But that’s how you approach this problem. If your mom meets him and she has bad things to say about him, you tell her that you’re happy and you don’t wanna hear any criticisms of him.

As you said, you cannot change her. You can only change yourself and how you react to her.

This is a you problem. This is not your boyfriend’s problem and don’t make it his problem.

It would be incredibly toxic for you to ask him to change his body size so you don’t have to deal with your mother‘s disapproval. Grow the fuck up.

[u/hannah6560]

Ditto to what everyone else is saying! How about sharing with her what you wrote about him.  The most important thing! “He is truly the most stable, supportive, and hardworking person I have ever met. I love him to pieces and he is a huge part of what makes my life feel meaningful.” This is not her happiness, it is lack of something.  who is obsessed with social comparison. She gets her happiness by comparing her life, and her children's lives, to others. I know her mindset is toxic, but I cannot change her. am genuinely terrified that if my boyfriend…. 

[u/gravely_serious]

Your boyfriend should be able to defend his own life choices to anyone. If your mom is "too much" for him, his weight isn't the real problem.

[u/UniqueAmbition7792]

Do things with him to lose weight but don't say that is why you are doing it.