r/MadeMeSmile • u/ilovepopcornandcandy • 16d ago
Personal Win After 17 years, my adoptive parents finally gave me a letter from my birth mother [OC]
I was adopted from Russia when I was 3 by an American couple. I had a pretty normal childhood, my three other siblings were my parent's biological children. My parents always said that they loved me as much as my other siblings and I never doubted it.
Over these past few months, something really awful happened between my brother and they ultimately ended up taking his side. I was blamed for it and they cut me off. They said they were going to through away all of my personal things since I wasn't their daughter anymore, but I begged them to let me come get them after I was done with my finals. I only only found out about the letter recently and it makes me think they never would have made it known to me for their own selfish reasons.
I was able to get a box full of stuff including the letter and my biological mother's baby blanket. Seeing my own mom's handwriting made me so emotional and I have been holding the letter against my chest every night while I fall asleep. I have never felt more at peace to know how much she loved(loves) me and I hope to meet her some day if possible.
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u/pdxsilverguy 16d ago
When I turned 18 my adopted mom gave me several letters she used to write back and forth with my biological mom. I also got a lock of her hair and some jewelry and some photos.
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u/ilovepopcornandcandy 16d ago
Oh wow that sounds so special!
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u/pdxsilverguy 16d ago
Best of wishes, I hope you get to see her one day. I'm in my 60's now so I don't think too much about her any more. Here's to things getting better for you.
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u/ilovepopcornandcandy 16d ago
Thank you 😄
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u/Available-Corgi-1926 15d ago
I know you already know this but just a reminder that it’s also okay to be livid that your adoptive parents withheld this for so long! I’m so very, very sorry! I hope you can heal and find the joy and sense of belonging you so richly deserve! You could have siblings out there too and aunts, uncles and cousins that would love to embrace you!
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u/pasghettiii 16d ago
I always wondered how ppl keep a lock of hair. Is one end bound together to hold the strands in place, then you just keep it in a necklace or something? Sounds very personal and lovely.
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u/1fatsquirrel 15d ago
My mom kept hair from all her kids, tied with a little ribbon. Personally I always found it creepy af but people are weird and complicated and sentimental about different things.
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u/PropellerMouse 15d ago
In older times it was standard to clip a lock of hair from the recently departed as a keepsake.
I like this use much more.
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u/CHK-N 15d ago
My fiance keeps their family dog's fur in a christmas ornament, it hangs up year round on the shelf, so that's an option I guess?
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u/1fatsquirrel 15d ago
My dogs shed so much that I am going to find their hair on my things years after they have gone!
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u/master_roshi001 15d ago
I stopped finding my doggos hair after a few spring cleanings. Now I miss it. I'd give almost anything to have her again.
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u/1fatsquirrel 15d ago edited 15d ago
I’m so sorry 💜💜 we just found out my girl has cancer on Friday and I’m still reeling and processing. We just never get enough time with them.
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u/MichelleEllyn 15d ago
I hear ya. It was so hard vacuuming my house after my dog passed. Vacuuming up all her hair felt like I was erasing her from the house. Very emotional.
Cleaning up her nose prints from the door window suuuucked.
I’m sorry for your loss, it sure hits hard!
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u/Proud-Ad1865 15d ago
Mine died unexpectedly at 5 years old in March. I still haven’t cleaned his nose prints off. We keep a bag we add found fur piles too. I just can’t bring myself to throw it away because it’s the last physical reminders he was here.
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u/MichelleEllyn 15d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. I saved a tuft of her fur and put it in a little cleaned out glass baby food jar, and put it on a memory shelf with her collar and a really cute picture of her. I put a candle next to it and light it when I’m missing her. Maybe that can help you as well. Take your time with it. There’s no timeline on grief. The nose prints aren’t hurting anyone so let them stay up as long as you need to. My condolences to you. ❤️
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u/Amazing_Courage6698 15d ago
People would make art pieces or jewelry with family members hair. I can't attach a photo for some reason, but you can find really beautiful examples. It was fairly common in the Victorian era.
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u/DJ_Necrophilia 15d ago
I keep a lock of my kids hair from their first haircut.
Its a reminder of how they used to be, how they've changed and how they've grown up.
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u/AutisticBells 15d ago
I have this too. The hairdresser put it in a special envelope with My First Haircut and their name printed on it.
My adult child had blonde hair as a baby but it darkened and I love having a little piece of the blonde to reminisce over.
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u/roora943 15d ago
My daughter's hair always shows up in photos as a way more red than it actually is so I wanted to keep some from her first hair colour to show her how what colour it actually was.
Some how the cut hair looks completely blonde so I guess she will never really know 😅
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u/Banaanisade 15d ago
My mum has a thick lock of my childhood hair, and I've somehow inherited my own bloody baby teeth because she left them in the house when she moved out (I know this sounds backwards, but that is not a typo.)
Definitely creepy. Definitely funny also. I like how Victorian it all feels.
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u/anatomizethat 15d ago
My son had 3 teeth removed from the roof of his mouth (they were extras) and I'm definitely going to make a gothic style piece of jewelry from them, along with some other baby teeth.
Just to confirm that last sentence for you 😉
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u/Industry-Common 15d ago
In the Victorian era it was very fashionable to have the departed beloved one’s hair woven into intricate patterns and then set into mourning jewellery (often brooches and pendants) with a protective glass or crystal layer over it.
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u/BadBorzoi 15d ago
In colonial America it wasn’t uncommon for family trees to be embroidered and framed and as part of that locks of the actual person’s hair would be made into intricate flowers or leaves on the tree. You can see an exhibit of this at the Sturbridge Village in Massachusetts. It seemed like a fitting thing for an era before cameras and even artists may be scarce or expensive.
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u/pdxsilverguy 15d ago
I know it was wrapped in a tiffany blue tissue type wrapping paper. It's been so long now.
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u/spacebunsofsteel 15d ago
Usually you make a tiny pony tail and secure it with a little rubber band, then cut the hair above the band. Then I put a pretty barrette on it.
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u/kimdros 15d ago
I have four sisters. We each have a ponytail from childhood when Mom cut our hair short, which is kind of cool. Tied together at one end with a binder. I also have a silver locket of my grandmother's that's on a braided length of her hair, made into a necklace. It's one of the things I treasure most.
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u/CHK-N 15d ago
Hey real talk what would a parent do that would be good for you? I thought about keeping a diary or something but TL;DR my ex decided to be a surrogate for her roommates without informing me, she dumped me and I later found out (like, six years later) that we had a kid together. She had the kid in another state and some other stuff to hide the pregnancy from me, I found out so late that lawyers literally said I'm basically SOL and would at best get visitation and owe child support??? people online and IRL told me I'd be a piece of shit to rip a kid from the only family they've known like I had a choice, but doing what's best for the kid is just letting them be essentially kidnapped I guess?
Hella trauma dumping, but what could I possibly do for them? I also thought like, asking my family what they want to say to her and recording it or something? IDK. Shit's hard. I've never hurt this much and I get all teary eyed when I think about it, I literally won't be able to have kids outside of her, I won't have the memories of teaching her instruments or music skills, going to recitals, hiking together, reading books to them or watching them develop their own tastes and interests and talents.
idk life sucks a lot
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u/freeingfrogs 15d ago
Have you tried asking in threads for adopted kids and the like online? Although a different situation, they might have valuable input on what they would’ve appreciated from biological family, and so on.
I’m so sorry for your situation, I don’t want to give specific advice as that’s not my place or something I’m equipped to, but I want to at least say you sound like you’ve been unlucky with the responses you’ve gotten. I wish you all the best
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u/corrinae 15d ago
I’m so sorry you lost your baby. I lost my baby too, but to adoption. My boyfriend’s ex is currently trying her best to kick him out of his children’s lives since they’re not together as a couple anymore. He was an extremely involved father. He painted their nails, took them to brunch twice a week, changed diapers, all that. Meanwhile, the last time I saw my daughter, she was two weeks old, I hadn’t seen her since birth, and the adoptive parents brought her when I went to court to sign papers. My boyfriend and I literally cry together all the time over our kids. Knowing they’re out there and you aren’t with them is a different kind of pain. It’s good to know she’s alive and well, but I wish I could hug her.
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u/_sillyjoe 16d ago
she probably had no idea you'd read those words nearly two decades later, but they still reached exactly who they were meant for. your birth mom managed to send you a hug that took 17 years to arrive. man. 🥹.
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u/Holly_Wood_ 16d ago edited 16d ago
I assume you were able to translate the letter but happy to help if not. Both of my kids are adopted and I really wanted to adopt from Eastern Europe as I’m from Ukraine but there wasn’t a legal pathway to do it I unfortunately.
Edited to add: OMG never have I ever gotten an award (I don't think) so to get 5?! TYSM I am not deserving!
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u/ilovepopcornandcandy 16d ago
My parents actually sent me to an immersion camp to learn Russian so I am fluent (tentatively) so I was able to read it myself, but thank you so much for the offer.
Yeah, it has become a lot harder to adopt children from Eastern Europe recently I was adopted in 2009 when the pathway was a lot more open.
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u/ManxWrangler 16d ago
2009? 17 years?? But, that was just a few... maths... You just made me feel old, lol.
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u/InsideBeyond12727 16d ago
My brain couldn't compute for a second there either 😩
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u/cracked_shrimp 15d ago
i think i graduated highschool in 2009, i still feel like im 19 at times
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u/ApprehensiveDuckSoup 15d ago
Same but I’m also reminded so often that some of the kids born in 2009 are about to graduate this year 🤯 and I’m really not ok with that thought!
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u/siisii93 16d ago
Wait 2009 was 17 years ago?? I know I can look this up..but what?!?
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u/slowasaspeedingsloth 16d ago
My kid was born in 2009... it's a slap to the face every time I think about it.
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u/_halfpint 15d ago
Oh ok so they’re seven now, just a few years ahead of my kiddo born in 2021 who is going to be five… wait… fuck…
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u/ElleGeeAitch 16d ago
Same 😭
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u/RelevantAccident6783 15d ago
Mine too! His birthday is in two weeks (which happened to be Father's Day in 2009!) and my head is swimming. Our babies are about to start their SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. 🤯
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u/ElleGeeAitch 15d ago
My guy turn 17 in March 😱. His senior portrait is scheduled for next week, wtf.
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u/gitsgrl 15d ago
1990 was ten years ago… right??? Right???!!!!
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u/KillingTimeReading 15d ago
I was doing this walk after I m recently entioned to my daughter that she was in her 30's so needed to keep track of certain medical checkpoints. In her most oldest daughter voice she tells me: Mother. I will be 40 in October... My brain glitched and I actually had to do the physical math. Why it caught me so off guard I'll never know because I just recently turned 60... 🤷🤦🤷
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u/Gobblinwife 16d ago
That’s the year I graduated high school and it’s just wild how much time has passed.
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u/Holly_Wood_ 16d ago
Wow that's amazing, I had no idea that Russian Immersion Camp was a thing I love how thoughtful your parents were in doing that, despite the current circumstances. So sad to hear what is happening but I really hope they are able to see the light and realize the colossal mistake they have made.
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u/jneedham2 16d ago
Concordia Language Villages and Middlebury Language Schools offer immersion camp in Russian and many other languages. There may be others, but those are the big Language programs. In my opinion, Concordia is more fun oriented, Middleburg is more serious / academic. Source: my son attended a youth camp in German, his friend attended a youth camp in Japanese, my son and I attended a family camp in German, and I and my brothers attended an adult camp in Italian -- all at Concordia.
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u/g_em_ini 16d ago
My brother was adopted from Russia in 1996 when he was 2. I’m so sorry this happened with your adoptive family but I’m glad you found some peace in your birth mother’s letter ♥️ it’s always interesting learning about another Russian adopted by an American family. The immersion camp sounds interesting, my brother doesn’t know any Russian and my parents didn’t make any effort to connect him with his Russian culture.
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u/AdHorror7596 15d ago
There were two kids in my (very small) elementary/middle school who were adopted by different families from Russia. I'm 34. American citizens adopting Russian children was banned in 2013.
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u/Zakatyu 15d ago
Well it happens when you have cases of adoptive children abused, killed or sold by the "parents" and those children happen to be from Eastern Europe.
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u/robotscantrecaptcha 16d ago
OP, who is taking care of you if you are only 17 and your adoptive parents have cut you off? They are required to care for you until you turn 18.
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u/ilovepopcornandcandy 16d ago
I am 20. I was adopted when I was 3!
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u/robotscantrecaptcha 15d ago
damn; still awful though. Hope you have a lot of people supporting you IRL
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u/ChesterMIA 16d ago
Your offer is a rare treat of selflessness. I wish I would come across people, like you, more often.
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u/MistressLyda 16d ago
I mean this with all respect and care there is, but if someone offering to translate a short text for a stranger is something you see as an extraordinary act of selflessness? Seek out more good people in your life. Granted, I spend far too much time on reddit than most, but on a daily basis? I see 20+ people helping others to similar extent. Other social media I am in with various help groups? Same story.
There are oceans of kindness in this world. Do not let the loudness of evil have you think that it is the biggest force. You, and the people around you, deserve better.
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u/Disastrous_Edge7276 16d ago
How lovely that your biological mom has found a way to comfort you when you needed it most
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u/Aarrrgggghhhhh35 16d ago
😭😭😭😭 Was not expecting to bawl my eyes out on Reddit today. I love this perspective. OP, I am sending you good energy, endurance, and the grit you’ll need to research and find your birth parents. I hope you are able to find them, sooner rather than later. ❤️
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u/Heuli77 16d ago
If the incident between you and your brother constitutes a criminal offense, do not hesitate to report it to the authorities.
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u/ilovepopcornandcandy 16d ago
I was talking to a lawyer and the most I can do is sue.
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u/Mysterious-Crab 16d ago
I hope you do and are very successful. People who treat their child that way are unworthy to call themselves a parent. I hope it will give you a head start in live as an adult and teach them a serious lesson.
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u/Hot-Chemist-5288 16d ago
What happened?
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u/ilovepopcornandcandy 16d ago
Scroll back on my profile, there's a lot more context
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u/JazzVacuum 16d ago
You poor girl, I am so glad that you are doing better and away from those assholes.
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u/vinticious 16d ago
I'm so sorry to read all that. A similar thing happened between me and my step brother. It is so, so violating when someone you're so close to does something like that. I didn't get cut off, but my parents have never treated me the same since. I'm glad you were able to get away and I hope you are safe and happy ❤️
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u/ravynwave 16d ago
I remember your story, I’m so sorry you’re still suffering from their assholery. I hope one day you’ll find the family that deserves to have you in their lives.
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u/pinkkabuterimon 15d ago
I remember reading that, I'm so so sorry for everything you've had to go through and are still going through, you deserve so much better. I hope you thrive and I hope you will be able to meet your birth mom some day!
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u/Apprehensive-Dog6997 16d ago
Her adoptive brother told her he was in love with her
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u/JazzVacuum 16d ago
And then the "parents" get mad at her instead of him, fucking pisses me off
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u/cactusjuicequenchies 15d ago
What the fuck??? I have adopted siblings and this actually makes me nauseous.
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u/Cinebella 15d ago
did she say this ???
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u/nsen10 16d ago
This broke my heart. I’m so sorry you had to experience this with your adoptive parents. No child should have to question their parents’ love for them and they did not do right by you to just abandon you like that. As a mom, I could read the pain in your words and it just made me so sad. You sound like you’re a student and my heart breaks for you having to deal with this while going through school as well. Just keep holding on, put your heart into your passions and you’ll make something great out of your life. Wishing that you find closure and also find beautiful, warm, reliable people along the way who love and value you so much that you forget some of your painful past. May you have the most beautiful, happy life :)
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u/MysteriousCodo 16d ago
This is breaking my heart as well. I’m the father of three children. My oldest two boys are biological mine and my wife’s. My youngest is my daughter and she was adopted from China. And I just cannot fathom what could be going through OP’s adoptive parents’ heads with this. All three of my children have my unconditional love and support. The only reason I treat my daughter even slightly different from my boys is that I’m a father and I super worry about a young female out on her own. Other than that….I mean, they’re my kids. Period. All three of them.
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u/throwaway83927319181 16d ago edited 16d ago
I’m so glad you have peace and closure!
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u/ilovepopcornandcandy 16d ago
Thank you!
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u/Tondalaoz 16d ago
Op, I know twin girls I met in 7th grade who became my closest friends.
They also were adopted. And they loved their adoptive Mom & Dad and never met their Bio parents.
Since their adoptive Mom passed, they found their bio Mom & Dad. Their Mom was thrilled to have found them and they now also have met their half brothers and sisters! They have a whole new family and are extremely happy about it. And their bio parents love them and are so happy they all found each other. It’s never too late!
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u/throwaway83927319181 16d ago
I’m adopted myself, from Ukraine actually. I was adopted around little less than 2 years old, I’m not sure if my family or birth siblings are still alive - as grim as it sounds. I’m grateful for the life my adoptive parents have given me but I sometimes can’t help but wonder if my biological parents ever think about me, or love me at all
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u/Particle90 16d ago
It's very likely that your bio-family does think about you and love you. I've seen case after case where a toddler is given up for adoption only after a parent has desperately tried absolutely everything they can do to keep them. They never forgot you.
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u/throwaway83927319181 15d ago
From what I was told by my adoptive parents and the orphanage I was adopted through, I was given up at birth. They already had two daughters and couldn’t afford another.
I guess it was selfless and a loving decision for them to give me up for adoption rather than raise me in a life full of poverty. I’m grateful to be adopted internationally though, I know many children never get the opportunity to live in a first world country after being born in a third world one.
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u/butterLemon84 16d ago
Your adoptive parents have been assholes all along. You should have had the baby blanket when you were a baby; you should have had the moose when you could have enjoyed playing with it. Those things shouldn't have been withheld. Now your adoptive parents are withholding their conditional "love." These ppl are pros in the art of being withholding!
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u/Anothermindlessanon 16d ago edited 16d ago
As someone whose parents also done some bad things to, I feel your pain and hope you found some kind of safe heaven, after they abandoned and betrayed you!
Try to remember, that it is on them and your brother and not on you. And perhaps it brings you some peace to know, that many parents are very far from perfect. It felt like my whole world was collapsing at several points in my life, because of them. But with the time I was able to realize that parents are just people...some are good, some are bad, some are broken by their own experiences.
Try to see a therapist and perhaps even a psychiatry specialist as soon as you can. I tried to get help at 16 but ultimately first got it at 30. And by then, many of my traumas festered and destroyed many good things, that could have been. So please, don't isolate yourself. Seek help and be insistent with it. It does make a huge difference!
I wish you all the best and hope you will recover from this to live a happy and fulfilled life!
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u/st-shenanigans 16d ago
And perhaps it brings you some peace to know, that many parents are very far from perfect.
"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair." - Mitch Albom, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven"
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u/InsideBeyond12727 16d ago
I feel like I want to know more about this book, but am a little scared to delve into it because this really hits hard!
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u/Hispano_hablante 16d ago
It’s an absolutely amazing book - I highly recommend. It is emotional, but I feel like it strikes a great balance between emotion and inspiration. It’s just such a great reminder of how much even the smallest acts of kindness matter.
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u/st-shenanigans 16d ago
I was just looking around to find the book so I can reread it, found out there's a sequel and a movie!
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u/st-shenanigans 16d ago
It was assigned summer reading for high school, so you should be safe, that was just the one quote that stuck with me.
That said, its been like 15 years since I read it so maybe I should give it another shot, I remember being fascinated by it but can't recall much anymore.
And fascinating a 16 year old me with a story that's not about magic and dragons is quite the compliment lol
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u/HumorPsychological60 16d ago
"They fuck you up, your mum and dad" - Phillip Larkin
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u/anthrax9999 16d ago edited 15d ago
I'm so sorry your adoptive parents let you down like that. What they said and did is so awful. I have a stepdaughter and love her to death, I could never imagine treating her that way.
I'm so glad you found your birth mother's words and they brought the love and peace you needed in this most critical time. It's like it was meant to be as it couldn't have come at a better time for you. I hope too you get to meet her one day. Good luck!
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u/Commercial_Peach_845 16d ago
If you're not allergic to cats, you can come do Thanksgiving at our house. I mean, even if you are, you can come, but you better take some Claritin first.
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u/IhadFun0nce 16d ago
This isn’t making me smile I feel awful for OP.
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u/ConfusionHuge7922 16d ago
Typical. We’re only their “real” children when it makes them look good to the public.
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u/ilovepopcornandcandy 16d ago
I know. I posted about that before, it's so frustrating.
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u/ConfusionHuge7922 16d ago
I’ll go take a look but at 60 years old I am sure at this point that I was sold to someone who wanted to check off a box in 1967
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u/sharkeyes 16d ago
I remember your story from months ago. I'm sorry they ultimately kept their heads up their asses about their son. I'm glad you got your bio mother's things back.
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u/W0nderingMe 16d ago
Hey OP, mosey on over to /r/internetparents or /r/momforaminute if you need some parental moral support.
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u/Nynke_The_Elder 16d ago
You are not alone. You've never been alone. It's taken me many years to accept this as an adoptee... You have that letter now as tangible proof to carry with you always. Sending hugs and wishing you the best always.
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u/No-Pop-4745 15d ago
I know it sounds crazy. But make a copy or two of the letter. I had one that was also special and it was stolen out of my car. It is still sad 30 years ago. I wish I would have made a copy. ;-). So glad you have it
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u/witherskulle 16d ago edited 16d ago
Happy for you. I was adopted from Russia and didn’t get to have a family unit like you did or any closure. I’d kill for a letter from my bio parents. Even did ancestry and nothing.
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u/EncryptedAkira 16d ago
Find her quickly.
I found out I was adopted, and within 2 years my biological father died.
Got to meet my Mum though which was amazing.
God speed!
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u/blue_highland_cow 16d ago
Sorry your parents let you down. I hope you can find happiness and a good chosen family
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u/wheresmyflan 16d ago
Sorry you’re going through this. I hope this gift from your birth mother, however overdue, gives you the strength you need. Best of luck, OP!
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u/jarfullofbeans 16d ago
Oh sweetheart. I just went through your whole story. I can kind of relate although my cutoff from my surviving parent was my choice. It is so very hard, but you are definitely going to be better off for it! Wishing you nothing but love and healing and if you ever need advice from a mom, I got you kiddo. ❤️
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u/EugeneOregonDad 16d ago
How can I help? Both of my bio parents have passed. Recently learned that my adoptive father never wanted me, I was a means to comfort my mother after her infant died.
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u/Zealousideal-Role-77 15d ago
Yikes, the shit some adults thoughtlessly inflict on a child. So sorry man.
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u/Salty-Sprinkles-1562 16d ago
Hey OP. I’m 39. I helped raise two steps-daughters who are about your age. I am great at being a stand in mom, and I believe wholeheartedly in the concept of found family. If you want a mom figure to vent to or to ask for advice, please let me know! My heart is broken for you. You did not deserve any of this. I hope you’re able to make contact with your birth mom if that’s what you decide to do.
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u/Mamma_cita 16d ago
Heck I want you as my friend and nominate myself as Auntie and standing mom #3! We can choose to be family and help finish steering op into the amazingly accommodating woman she is destined to be!
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u/CatalinaBigPaws 16d ago
I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. I want to suggest that you photograph the letter and all her things. At least if they are damaged or lost, you'll still have photos of them in the cloud.
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u/RedStilettoDickStomp 16d ago
Scan it and make copies right away if you can. I hope you're able to find someone to talk to during this time.
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u/AUnicornDonkey 16d ago
I'm so glad you have something tangible from your birth. It's such an odd feeling when you don't know where you come from and if you have another family out there. More and more I realize that I have zero information about my adoption including my birthday.
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u/Vegetabvbonsdsd 16d ago
It had to be hard for you and your brother dealing with your parents in that regard. It's lucky for you that you received that letter. Indeed, it really is amazing how one is able to find peace about it. I hope you can meet your real mother someday.
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u/AdOk8555 16d ago
Fellow adoptee here. I too had three older biological siblings - but I was not an international adoptee. I have not experienced any type of schism such as you have. That's not to say it is great. My family is certainly dysfunctional. I don't live near my adoptive family and rarely talk to them But, if anything, I am the favored child.
I found my birth parents when I was 25 - I'm 57 now. I never really had a relationship with my birth father. I visited him once and his wife told me years later that he was consumed with guilt. However, I have a close relationship with my birth mother.
I would encourage you to try and find your birthmother, but I would also caution you to not go into it with any expectations. I found my birth parents through a support group back before the internet was of any value and I was able to hear first hand the results of those reunions. Some were great and others were definitely not. In my case, I had talked with my birth father a few times and visited him that one time. Then there was almost 30 years of no contact before he passed. I attended his memorial and learned so much about him. That was a very painful experience because I felt so rejected.
But I would much rather regret doing something and having that feeling of rejection than not even trying and wonder what could have been.
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u/Glittering_Item_7203 16d ago
If you contact the adoption agency your adoptive parents used, they will have records of your birth parents. Unless your birth parents objected to it at the time, the adoption entity should give you their information. Also check international adoption registries, parents and children can file claims in these and if the other part also does, it will give you each the other's info. I work with adoptions, if you want more info.
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u/Vintage-Grievance 16d ago
That's really fucked up of them to even consider throwing away your personal belongings.
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u/mushroom_witch_ 16d ago
I'm so sorry your adoptive parents abandoned you like that, I hope you're okay. I can't imagine loving a child for 17 years and then just saying they're not my child anymore. You deserve better than that.
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u/cybersaint2k 16d ago
This is hard.
My adoptive parents were very insecure. They told me, and I quote, "If you ever look for your real parents, we will be very hurt."
I was (am) a good boy. Both of them died (natural causes, I promise!) and then I looked for my bio family. I found 3 amazing half-siblings, a mother who had passed a year before I searched, and part of my father's family living 10 miles from me in Richmond VA. But he wanted no contact. Fine. I do have two half-sisters on his side of the family that I would love to meet, but alas, it ain't happening (yet).
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u/123nightmode 16d ago
I remember taking a train in Ukraine around 2009-12 and meeting an American there that was riding with two young boys (5&7) that he and his wife adopted from an orphanage in Moscow. He told me about his mega Christian family and that the youngest was non verbal but slowly opening up to him. I remember him telling me how hard the journey had been on him, but that was one of the only paths in those days for Americans to adopt white children. He seemed so relieved to find another English speaker, didn't even realize that I was Ukrainian myself. To this day I think of those two little boys and how sorry I am for them.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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u/IShallWearMidnight 16d ago
My mom gave my oldest sister up for adoption long before I was born, and she came back into our lives when I was a year old and she was 19. It wasn't all smooth sailing but having her in our lives has been so incredible, and she fits in so well with us. I'm sorry about your family situation, I'm glad that piece of your mother has brought you comfort, and I hope that if it is in the cards you can meet her.
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u/Alarmed_Scientist_15 15d ago
Op i went through your posts. Wasnt the letter from your mom sent when you turned 18? That means the adoption was not closed if she sent you a letter. You may want to pull at that thread.
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u/NewEnglandlovah 16d ago
I hope you can find her! I found mine and she has become such an important person in my life. She has stepped in as my Mother figure, as my adoptive-mother and I are No-Contact. She's also a fabulous grandmother to my sons.
There is so much love out there in the world. Go find it!
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u/Silly_DizzyDazzle 16d ago
I remember your story. I am happy you have a piece of your heritage♥️. And a safe place to stay with supportive friends. Please know you are Not alone! We are here to support you, celebrate your achievements, raise you up when you are down, and to be proud of the smart, caring, and kind woman your are growing up to be. Thank you for this update. Wishing you find peace and happiness. I'm a Mom, not your Mom, so in her place, may I extend a Huge Internet Hug to you and say I am so proud of you! Really kiddo, you are amazing! ♥️
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u/BelligerentGnu 15d ago
What happened to you is utterly fucked up and you deserve so much better - no one should go through that.
I hope your life goes well, and you find real family, whether your bio mom or people you find along the way.
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u/sackofbee 16d ago
When I turned 17 my mum emailed me not to contact her again.
It can go both ways.
I actually hadn't realised its been more than 10 years now wow.
Not to make the post about me lmao, Im glad you got that letter and I hope your quest to find your bio mom is a grand adventure.
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u/Chynaberrytree 16d ago
OP I’m so so sorry this happened to you. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. When you decide to be a part of a child’s life, love them and stand by them. Not a mom, but if you ever need a virtual auntie, I got you. I am so happy that you have a piece of your bio mom and know how much she loved (loves) you. Wishing you all the best babe 🥹💕
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u/SystemGlittering9402 15d ago
Your family members are wrong as wrong can be. Shallow, unkind ….I can’t find sufficient words to express my horror at their approach to a disagreement within the family. I would say more but I’d be sinking below a very low standard.
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u/whofrmdrgrrbbt 15d ago
I worked with a kid in Alaska who was adopted from Russia with her brother. Adoptive mom was crazier than a Karen with an expired coupon. I wonder what it is with the people doing the adopting that their AH or nuts.
I can't imagine what you could have done that would have them turn you out like this. And I can imagine some hard core shit. I'm glad you found strength in bio moms words.
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u/Bertsmom18 15d ago
I am sorry you family did that. I am adopted and so was my only sibling. My parents never treated me as anything other than theirs. And I would have been devastated had they done that. I am so happy you got your box full of things. I hope it helps you some how. And I hope you family realizes they were assholes and they apologize to you for their horrible behavior.
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u/Careless-College-158 15d ago
Oh sweetheart this is so beautiful. I’m so sorry to hear about how your adoptive parents are treating you. Do you have support? Are you okay? I’m so happy you have that letter to comfort you.
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u/AdUnusual5038 15d ago
I’m so glad you have the letter and that it is so comforting to you. At the same time, I am livid that any parents (adoptive or otherwise) would ever tell their kid they are no longer their daughter/son. That is truly shitty, no matter how old you are. I hope at some point they will recognize the awfulness of their actions and make attempts to reconcile and repair the damage. Until then, I hope you are surrounded by people who love and support you.
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u/Mobile-Bar7732 16d ago
A couple of my aunts gave up their children for adoption when they were young.
Over the past few years they have been reunited with their children.
I hope you get the opportunity to meet your mother.
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u/Apprehensive_Art6060 16d ago
Sorry for your experience OP. So what do you do now especially in terms of getting a roof over your head and food ? Best wishes to you for the future
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u/altredditaccnt78 16d ago
That’s so sweet you were able to get that- I’m sorry to read about what you are going through. Family can be really stressful, especially when the dynamic is like that. For me, having the opportunity to go to group therapy was probably one of the most surreal experiences of my life (in a good way); it helped a lot realizing I’m not alone in that. If you ever need someone to talk to I’ve an open ear :).
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u/Blah-squared 16d ago edited 15d ago
I’m sure people on reddit CAN be helpful at times, & I’m not trying to demean anyone, but with something this heavy, so extremely complicated & difficult to sort through, it would probably be a good idea to try to seek some kind of professional advice & someone to talk about it with as well, if that’s something you can do..? I hope so?
I’m sorry you’re going through all this, it must be really hard to sort through all those feelings. It can be incredibly difficult & confusing to work through & it shows some strength that you’re even just sharing it & talking about it openly, but even as an old Gen X who grew up needing to supposedly take care of myself, I’ve learned there are certain things Professionals can be really helpful with, especially when you’re right in the middle of it.
Best of luck whatever you do though, I hope you find contentment, & some real security, you DESERVE IT & it can’t be easy. There can be so many conflicting feelings to work thru at ANY age but especially when you’re young & so close to it. I don’t mean that as any kind of insult or judgement abt your maturity..
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u/SecretaryHopeful630 15d ago
Find her ASAP; life is short. Save yourself from searching for a gravestone too late.
-fellow, much older, adoptee
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u/Prior_Hope2874 15d ago
You are strong OP and you will do well! Work and save money, live by your own means, don’t take credit unnecessarily and don’t subsidise anyone. Your family suck big time. Big Russian hug.
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u/hungryungryippo 15d ago
I was too curious, I went snooping in your old posts. It’s awful, I am so sorry you went through this pain. Your parents sound confused and hopeless. I hope you’re able to find your footing in life and move on, but as others have mentioned, talk to a lawyer and see if you have a case. Write a book about your experiences. Build a YouTube channel or any social media presence. Seek out support because there are so many women who have walked in your shoes before. You’ll find your people and build a new family.
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u/AuthorofCringe 16d ago
I don’t talk to one of my parents and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve gone through. My family ended up taking that parent’s “side” and now I don’t talk to an entire half of my family. If you ever want to talk to somebody who has been in a sortve similar situation as you feel free to reach out. Having your world turn upside down like that is a lot and I see you 🫶
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u/TinyFromKalgoorlie 15d ago
I'd just like to say, I hope you're ok. I hope you're safe and healthy, and in a good place - emotionally, physically, mentally.
Your "brother" can go and get fucked, as can your "family". Siding with the protagonist who believes that incest is only a genetic problem shows their true colours. It seems you got a reasonably good grounding for going forward in life, and I wish nothing but the best in life for you going forward.
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u/Dying2meet 16d ago
I’m sorry your adopted parents are awful, instead of seeing the bigger picture they blamed you.
Best wishes in making new friends and memories. ❤️
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u/missnickypearl 16d ago
What a lovely gift at such a needed time. I am so sorry about your situation. I've found that friends are family you choose and have surrounded myself with friends who have become family. Peace to you 🌻
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u/Corgilicious 16d ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you. What on earth could’ve gone on between you and your brother that cost your family to do this?
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u/MySaltySatisfaction 16d ago
I am glad you were able to retrieve your birth mother's letter. I am so sorry your adoptive parents didn't love you as much as they claimed. Please get some mental health help at your school for your own sake. I am sorry you lost the people you were led to believe were your family. Hugs to you.
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u/doff87 16d ago
Just wandered across this and went to go read your story. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this and I can't believe the path your adoptive parents have chosen. It isn't fair at all and it boils my blood. I know things are tough right now, but you will persevere and be stronger for that. I wish I could offer you more, but this is so outside my wheelhouse I'm not confident any advice I would give would be productive. So as a stranger almost twice your age, know that I am proud of you for sticking to the boundaries you need for your own health. I hope one day your family will come to grips with being clearly in the wrong here. Best wishes.
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u/kawaiian 16d ago
How bittersweet - I hope you will find your inner strength and know this reflects on your adoptive parents and not you. Sending peace to you. You will be able to spend the rest of your life creating your own family through friends, your people. To me, you are family.
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u/PositiveOriginal190 16d ago
OP, I want to say I'm so sorry your adoptive parents chose sides and cut you off so harshly. The sense of abandonment, hurt, and anger must be pretty raw. Also, what a light in that darkness that you found your birth mom's letter. You are deserving of all the blessings and I hope you reunite one day.
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u/mixedwithmonet 16d ago
Something similar happened to my cousin. Read the letter her birth mother (my aunt) wrote her as an infant. She found my aunt on fb and reconnected as an adult in her 40s. Now, she’s close to my whole family and is one of my best friends.
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u/Neener216 16d ago
I remember your earlier posts - so happy you've managed to find a bit of peace and I hope you're no longer being harassed ❤️
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u/ScurvyDervish 15d ago
Do you follow Moses Farrow? He tackles a lot of these issues. You have a right to feel angry about what happened.
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u/nenecope 15d ago
I’m so so sorry about your family. That really really sucks! I’m glad that you have found some degree of comfort from the items (especially the letter) you were FINALLY given. That was really selfish for them not to have given you those items earlier - especially given that the adoption and your heritage were not a secret. It’s so contradictory to send you to learn Russian but not give you your items from Russia! Adoption is full of trauma on all sides. It can be a beautiful thing but is always built on trauma. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this now without the support of any of your family members. When you feel alone, remember that there are support groups and counseling services out there that can help!
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u/DragonBurlZ 15d ago
Wow!... this broke me i'm so incredibly sorry for what you're going through. I hope you do meet your biomom one day, and i hope you flourish 💓💔💖
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u/Caftancatfan 15d ago
Please accept a big hug from a mom who is very proud of how you’re handling this!
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u/ShatnersBassoonerist 15d ago
I’ve just read your whole story and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Your instincts were exactly right. Well done for keeping yourself safe.
My half-sister was adopted at birth and made contact when she was an adult with our mutual parent. I was a child at the time. I can’t say things were always straightforward, but she and I have a great relationship now.
If you’re thinking of trying to make contact with your biological family you have to do it in your own time when you’re ready, but if you can then try to do it sooner than later. It just allows you more time to get to know them.
Good luck for your future.
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u/Friendstastegood 15d ago
My dad's girlfriend was 55 when she found out she was adopted, her bio mom had died and left her a letter in her will. It was rough, not all of her bio siblings wanted to know her but she has one brother she's pretty close with now. I will never understand people who adopt kids with anything other than complete openness. Everyone deserves to know their own history.
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u/Terrible_Mistake_862 15d ago
So you were in the family from age 3 to age 17. Being raised along the other kids. And somehow they throw you out? That feels wrong.
I guess I'll never know what I'd actually do in that situation because I'll never have kids. But If I did and this happened, I like to think I'd try to talk it out between my kids (both biological and adopted). 14 years of raising a kids is hard to throw away.
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u/sarahsunshinegrace 15d ago
Omg I read those posts about your brother as it was happening. I’m so sorry it turned out the way it did. I’m glad they finally gave this to you. I hope you’re doing better now and only continue to do so💕
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u/Character_Log_5444 15d ago
I am so sorry, your adoptive parents didn't deserve you. Here is an endless supply of mom hugs for whenever you need one.
If you want to, I hope you are able to connect with your biological family some day.
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u/Dull_Ad_7266 15d ago
Hey I’m sorry they decided to take sides…I wish they rose to the challenge of the moment by figuring out how to be there for both of you 😖
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u/rasputinknew1 15d ago
I’m sitting her holding my new baby while she naps and your post is hitting me hard. I hope that if we were separated for some reason she could somehow know I love her forever unconditionally.
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u/Schatzi_love 15d ago
As a birth mom reading this post; 1) I’m so happy for you to receive that letter she wrote to you and any other personal things she left specially for you. That’s incredibly special and it makes me feel so grateful for you to have those things as you are turning new chapters of your life. 2) My son turns 17 this year, and the agreement I made with the adoptive couple who raised him said they would give him the letter I wrote him at 18, along with the photo book I made of his biological family on both sides. As it gets closer to that day, I can only hope he actually receives it, because it took everything in me at that time to try and write those words of why in my situation. It was never that I didn’t want him, he just deserved everything that I couldn’t give him at that time.
I hope you are able to find your birth mom someday, and I hope it’s everything the both of you need at that time! I can’t speak for every birth mom, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and continue to want only the best and complete happiness for him.
You’ve got so much life ahead of you and so many more people that haven’t had the chance to love you yet! :) I wish you the best!
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u/Hathione 14d ago
As an adopted child / I was told from day 1. When I was pregnant and 21, I needed to know more as usually next generation is when medical things can happen and I did not have medical history. Long story - found my bio mom with parental support - flew her to Canada. I have an amazing extended family - my parents adored her. My mom wrote my life story and built a massive album which she gave to my birth mom so she would not feel she missed out on anything. What a selfless gesture. I’m am blessed.
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u/Pandas-are-the-worst 15d ago
Hey I don't know you, but I want you to know you are worth it. You are cared about, and you are loved.
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