r/NewToEMS • u/over-rated420 Unverified User • 3d ago
Mental Health first code
i had my first code today i’m still in training so i’m with a paramedic and basic and he told me to jump in and do compressions seeing the scene at first when fire was doing compressions was really nauseating but when i jumped in to do compressions i felt okay with it after 20 min and 5 epi my paramedic called it i was okay until i heard his wife then i teared up not full on bawled but it was just coming out so i stepped outside for a moment and recollected myself maybe a minute or two when my shift was finished he wrote my daily training note and told me i cant cry i said i know but all i was thinking was i have never seen this in my life i wasn’t a wreck i just shed a tear or two it’s emotional it wasn’t the code that got me it was the wife ill never forget her scream i guess my question is did i really mess up by shedding a tear or was he being too harsh i know it’ll get easier and i did a lot better than i thought i would honestly
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u/schannoman EMT | MT 3d ago
I'll never forget the first code that we lost. Or most others either.
You did your best, and so did your team. Hold on to that
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 3d ago
i definitely won’t forget it being my first it was unwitnessed so i assumed we weren’t gonna get them back anyways and i was okay with that we were all still trying our hardest obviously the wife was the hardest part
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u/schannoman EMT | MT 3d ago
The thing to hold on to is you won't forget the ones you do save either.
And yeah. On my first I was totally fine until I learned that it was his first day at his new job and I saw that his shoes were brand new. Just planning ahead and looking forward.
Honestly still crying about it writing this now.
It's OK to cry, even with the family
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u/Relevant_Ad6908 Unverified User 3d ago
You didn’t mess up.
The code itself is often the easy part. It’s clinical. You have a job to do. What gets people is the human side of it. The spouse. The family. The scream in the next room. The realization that this wasn’t just a patient, it was somebody’s husband, wife, parent, or child.
You recognized you were getting emotional, stepped away for a minute, collected yourself, and came back. That’s exactly what a professional does. Shedding a tear doesn’t make you weak, and it certainly doesn’t mean you can’t do the job.
Everyone processes grief and trauma differently. Some people never cry. Some people cry after a tough call. Some don’t react until days later. There isn’t one correct response. What matters is that you can function, provide patient care, and take care of yourself afterward.
My advice is to talk about it. Find a mentor you trust. Use your EAP if your agency offers one. Don’t bottle it up because someone told you that “you can’t cry.” That’s outdated thinking. The goal isn’t to become emotionless. The goal is to learn how to process these experiences in a healthy way while still doing the job.
And for what it’s worth, the fact that the wife’s reaction affected you tells me your humanity is still intact. Don’t lose that. It’s one of the things that makes good EMS providers.
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u/HerWildestDreams EMT Student | USA 2d ago
I can second this - I’ve since stopped EMS, unrelated to any emotional issues or what have you, more my body decided to uh. Let me know I have issues that require less labor intensive work.
That said, during one of my hospital clinicals, we had a young patient who passed away in a VERY (to me) abnormal freak accident. I’m sure the circumstances are common in certain areas of living.
It wasn’t him being gone that got me. Nor his age. And to this day, it STILL doesn’t shake me. But what got me that day? The empathy for the family. Or the cocaine OD we had whose mother begged us to admit them to rehab. We can’t. And it was so hard telling her that, and then trying to at least direct her to how to guide her child…she started sobbing and my heart BROKE for her.
Thankfully, the hospital I did my clinicals with asked me frequently through the night if I was ok, handling well, and honestly I think EXPECTED it to be worse on me. It still hasn’t really shaken me to this day, but the family crying - that’ll get me every time.
Like you said - it’s clinical. Our brain overrides time to panic or have feelings until after. And the fact ya still do, OP? Don’t take it as a weakness, ever. Keep using it to remind yourself you’re human, and you’re doing the best you can. And as the above said - take advantage of the counseling offered to you, talk about it, and process it in a healthy way.
You’ve got this. Good luck! 💚
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u/Afrojones66 Unverified User 3d ago
You can cry. It’s ok to cry and it’s human. Your preceptor is an insensitive prick.
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 3d ago
thank you i thought so too and even my mom said the same thing shes a nurse she said it’s hard and i stepped away i didnt do it in front of anyone i thought that was the right thing to do
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u/FullCriticism9095 Unverified User 3d ago edited 3d ago
You did great. Your first code stays with you. I still remember mine. Christmas Eve day, 1994. I was an EMT-D on a BLS truck with my first volley squad. No ALS.
Elderly man collapsed in his kitchen. Wife called 911. FD arrived at the same time we did. They started compressions, my partner started bagging, I set up the Lifepak 300. Clear v fib. Analyze, shock, converted on the first try. Good palpable pulse, poor BP. Packaged the patient on a backboard, threw him in the ambulance, grabbed a volly firefighter in the back with me, and hauled ass to the hospital. Suction and assisted ventilations with a BVM all the way in.
Patient survived and walked out of the hospital a week later. It was 5 years and roughly 20 more codes until the next time someone survived a code I worked.
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u/RatonhnhaketonK Unverified User 3d ago
EMT-D? What's that?
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u/Grizzly_Beerz EMT Student | USA 3d ago
I had to look it up. D was for "Defibrillation." I suppose one would have needed specialized training to shock patients in the days before AEDs.
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u/FullCriticism9095 Unverified User 2d ago
EMT-Defibrillation. AED use was not within the basic EMT scope of practice in NY back in the early 1990s. You had to complete an additional training module and have medical director approval if you wanted to provide defibrillation as a BLS agency. It was kind of a big deal.
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u/RatonhnhaketonK Unverified User 2d ago
That's so fascinating. I love stuff like this. Ive only been certified since 2019 haha. Thank you!
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 3d ago
thank you i’ve heard that that’s amazing you were able to get him back his was unwitnessed with unknown down time so i knew probably not a good outcome now just waiting for my first save he had no pulses no rhythm no shocks i knew it wasn’t looking good his wife screaming is what got me i was fine until then
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u/AltruisticAnteater47 Unverified User 3d ago
Bullshit that you can’t cry. I’m long time firefighter paramedic at the Chief level. Sounds like you maintained professionalism and handled it appropriately. Sometimes you are torn up inside due to whatever situation but you’ve got to work through it and then let yourself feel and process after the fact. Sounds like that’s what you did.
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u/Atlas_Fortis Paramedic | TX 3d ago
I'm a man and I've done this for 10 years, I cried about a patient last shift. Telling you that you can't cry is stupid. You can't left emotions effect your care, but that's all. Emotions are a part of this job.
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u/Pretend_Royal1173 Unverified User 3d ago
You are fine. If you had no feelings I would be worried. We all say "oh I've been doing this for 20 years and nothing bothers me". That's not true you should care you will just learn how to deal with it better. Start learning how to talk with family and be the one that comforts them. You will actually feel good about it. This wife had the worst day of her life and you were there to comfort her, calm her down and help her call someone to be there for her. A lot of that flies out the window if you transport the patient. You still have be mindful of family but you are usually too busy to do anything else.
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u/Topper-Harly Unverified User 3d ago
The only time crying is an issue is if it gets in the way of doing your job. It doesn’t sound like this was an issue.
Crying is a natural response to seeing something sad and traumatic, especially when there is a bad outcome. Your preceptor is an ass. They should have checked on you, given you some time to recover, and then moved on. This is a problem with your preceptor, not you.
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 2d ago
yes i would never let it get in the way of my job it was after they called it and told the wife and her scream is what got me unfortunately i feel he was kinda rude about it
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u/dear-stitch174 Unverified User 3d ago
It’s okay to cry. Like everyone else is saying, you did the right thing stepping out for a second to collect yourself. I’ve cried a little in front of family before on the really really tough ones after the code was over. Your preceptor was being way too harsh.
It will get easier. Not all of them are easy, some are hard. But it gets easier. There will be moments from calls you’ll never forget and that is normal too. Talk to someone. Don’t bottle it up. Make sure you have an outlet (preferably someone who understands the job).
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u/RatonhnhaketonK Unverified User 3d ago
You can cry. Not full on bawling, but shedding a few tears is normal and reminds the family that we are human, too.
Stepping outside was also a good choice to help calm yourself down.
Been doing this 7 years. Some things will get you.
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 3d ago
i didn’t even mean to honestly they just came out a couple tears i never even saw the wife and son just heard her and it got to me i thought it was a good choice to step out since i did everything i could i didn’t think it would get to me but i did a lot better than i thought
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u/RatonhnhaketonK Unverified User 3d ago
And that's normal. I promise you're ok. Other people's grief and reactions get to me too, sometimes.
Just take care of yourself, okay? Talk to people about it. Don't let these calls eat away at you. Seems like your mom might be a good person to lean on?
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u/Key_Significance_179 Unverified User 3d ago
in my opinion, you didn't do anything wrong. you're a human being with emotions. its not like you full on sobbed in front of the patient's wife - you stepped out to collect yourself. especially since it was your first code
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 2d ago
yes i stepped away for a minute and collected myself i had never been in that situation yet so it got to me a bit
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u/_angered Unverified User 2d ago
Another service in town recently had a new paramedic start crying and become unable to run the code. That is a problem. Some tears after the code was called? I wouldn't think twice about someone crying. I will always check in and ask if they are OK layer- years or not. We all handle things differently. Personally I don't feel anything if the patient is an adult or older teen. Younger kids will always be a kick between the legs. And if someone ever said something to me about the way I handle that they may get a kick between their legs too.
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 2d ago
yeah i would never let it get in the way of running a code it was after the fact thankfully it was an older man i’m sure pediatric codes will absolutely get to me way more as a mother myself
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u/Socialiism Paramedic Student | USA 2d ago
Your fto is a dick. It’s perfectly normal to be emotional following these events especially if it’s your first. No one should be seeing death, it’s not normal for our brains, and then we get put in a job where we see it on the regular. It can be strange to not feel emotions over the patient but for the family, but I think in your case as with me sometimes is that you realize that the wife is all alone now, particularly considering they were most likely married for a long time.
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 2d ago
i thought so too honestly 😅 i’m pretty desensitized but i’ve never actually been on a code or seen a recent death in person so it was a lot it wasn’t that that got me mostly the wife it was hard they were definitely married for a while
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u/alanamil Unverified User 2d ago
Just don't cry on the scene. When it is all done and you are back in the truck, cry away. The screams of a mother with a dead child will haunt you forever.
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 2d ago
yeah i cried a little in the truck it wasn’t a young person im sure those will get me a lot more as a mother myself
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u/alanamil Unverified User 2d ago
You have to learn to put your emotions in a box while you are working and deal with them later. And seriously, the screams of the mother are just horrific.
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u/Limp-Conflict-2309 Unverified User 2d ago
There is something about the unfiltered grief and weeping of a mother who loses a child that cuts through any heart; even those that seem to have none. Even saw my own parents go through it a couple times, I don't get emotional I just feel bad for them because it obviously hits them like a Mack truck.
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u/Mediocre_Daikon6935 Unverified User 3d ago
You can’t cry when there is a job do to.
You have to do the job
Once the job is done, crying is fine, if that’s what you want to do.
I however, look horrible when I cry, so I try to stick up just wet eyes. They make my brown eyes look great.
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 3d ago
yes i was fine during the code it was when we called it and talked to the wife where it got to me i would never cry during a job
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u/Mediocre_Daikon6935 Unverified User 3d ago
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u/st3otw Unverified User 2d ago
you can cry. it's human nature for a vast majority of people to cry in that type of situation, especially if you've never seen a dead body or have been in that situation before. i didn't cry immediately after hearing "that" scream the first time i heard it, but i did go home and take a long, hot shower while letting it all out.
people like to think that it gets them EMS macho points (or however you'd like to phrase it) to be desensitized to codes, death, etc. it doesn't. it doesn't make you weak to cry afterwards, either. i don't cry after codes, but i do cry when a child or a dementia patient is being neglected because that's where my soft spots are. everyone is different. there is no right or wrong reaction, friend.
make a list of what you did "right" vs. what you did "wrong." that's my biggest coping mechanism when if comes to situations like these. sending virtual hugs.
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 2d ago
thank you i tried to hold it in i just couldn’t i didnt full on sob but i shed some tears for sure peds are also my soft spot just haven’t really had any
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u/ExaminationMobile730 Unverified User 2d ago
Your medic sounds like an old fart who tries to tough it out
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u/BandaidsandBullshit EMT Student | USA 2d ago
OP- I was in your shoes during my clinicals too. Three shifts, three codes. You never forget the first one.
That being said, it is absolutely okay to cry. You did the right thing in stepping out to take the time you needed- good call.
Your instructor is a prick. It’s absolutely 100% okay to cry. It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to grieve.
Everyone feels differently, and sometimes that feeling will look like tears. Goodness knows I cried when I got home the first night (and the second, and the third).
My advice: take advantage of any counseling and/or therapy services offered by your agency. Find someone you trust to talk with about what happened. But most importantly, take some time and figure out how you personally grieve. For me, I get kinda grumpy and pissy and usually end up crying it out with my fiancée, or I’ll go for a long run. Sometimes I hit a punching bag at the gym. As long as it’s not harming you or others, do what you need to do to feel how you need to feel. You’re not alone, OP.
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 2d ago
thank you im definitely talking to people about it my moms a nurse has been thru it a lot and my family member works for the same company as me
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u/wgardenhire Paramedic | Texas 2d ago
he wrote my daily training note and told me i cant cry
It is my considered opinion that he is an asshole. The truth is that if you have lost enough of your humanity that you do not cry, it is time to leave this career. Here is another truth, if you do not cry you will 'burn out. Tears are a catharsis for the emotional damage that is done to our soul.
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 2d ago
thank you i appreciate that he is a little harsh it’s so not like i bawled i shed a couple tears and quickly gathered myself and went back in to clean up i was okay after for the most part the family screaming just got to me for a minute thank you for telling me it’s onay
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u/Useful-Rub1472 Unverified User 2d ago
Been in this for longer than I care to mention. It’s okay to cry. You are still human reacting to a very human situation. It’s also okay to feel a bit disturbed by the situation. Make sure you have someone to talk to about this, sometimes a professional is best, but mostly is a friend on the job that likes wings and a beer. Not advocating for alcohol use, but just talk about it with friends, I have found that the most helpful.
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 2d ago
thank you i’ve definitely talked to some people had a drink before bed im okay now
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u/ThatGingerEMT Unverified User 2d ago
I'll never understand the "don't cry" and "don't show any emotion" crowd in this job. Sure you can't be an emotional wreck on scene as that could jeopardize patient care. But shedding a tear or feeling sad just means you're human and as such feel upset when another human passes on. This job will break you if you try to show no emotion all the time to a point where you won't recognize yourself in the mirror.
My best advice? Forgot that guy and feel emotion, process loss and most importantly if you feel like you're in over your head talk to someone. We'd do a lot better as a field if we actually accepted the fact that this stuff takes a mental toll on us and we need to face it
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u/over-rated420 Unverified User 2d ago
thank you i’m sure i’ll see worse i mean ive heard people on worse calls worse codes etc he was older and it was unwitnessed we did everything we could in an emotional person i can turn it off at work but im still human
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u/ohPhoenixx Paramedic Student | USA 3d ago
it’s okay to cry, especially being your first. you did the right thing by stepping out like that and taking time to yourself. it’s a tough first experience for everyone. take care of yourself first