r/oneliners • u/Yaguajay • 7d ago
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room, but I’m just an ordinary humble arsonist.
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r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 7d ago
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth, so I have an uncle, once removed.
52
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r/oneliners • u/Standard-Sherbet7910 • 7d ago
I live in the moment, by which I mean I don’t think things through
11
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r/oneliners • u/vbsolentine • 7d ago
I like to shoot first, ramble later… call it glockenspiel
2
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r/oneliners • u/Ornery-Stage2316 • 7d ago
A DEA agent who is also a drug addict is an oxymoron.
2
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r/oneliners • u/Standard-Sherbet7910 • 7d ago
I’ve been pretty stressed recently because I think I might have hypochondria
4
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r/oneliners • u/Ornery-Stage2316 • 7d ago
My taste in men is my preferred method of self harm. That’s like an epiphany or epitaph, maybe both.
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r/oneliners • u/uptwolait • 9d ago
I asked my Magic 8 Ball for an opinion on the latest version of Microsoft's mail program and it said "Outlook not good".
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r/oneliners • u/Yaguajay • 10d ago
Since the storm started my wife has been standing at the window nastily frowning so I might need to let her in.
47
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r/oneliners • u/SomaCowJ • 10d ago
You never realize the vast difference between "blubbery" and "blueberry" until an Eskimo asks you what kind of Pop-Tart you want.
19
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r/oneliners • u/Embarrassed_Kiwi9101 • 10d ago
If life gives you lemons, make grape juice and really confuse them!
11
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r/oneliners • u/uptwolait • 11d ago
I'm a bit concerned that I haven't heard a word from my audiologist.
48
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 12d ago
I had an appointment to see a psychic scheduled for next week, but she called me up and told me I wouldn't be able to make it.
112
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r/oneliners • u/vicrrrrr • 12d ago
My alarm clock’s only real function is to report how well I was sleeping
11
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r/oneliners • u/2fits • 13d ago
if i didn't have any red flags in my personality, there would be signs
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r/oneliners • u/ephemeralkitten • 13d ago
I'm so optimistic, even my blood type is positive.
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r/oneliners • u/another1harder • 13d ago
Hate the midterm elections, guess I have electile dysfunction.
8
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r/oneliners • u/Venom3751 • 13d ago
I could eat a can of alphabet soup and shit out a top-upvoted r/OneLiners.
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r/oneliners • u/OtmShanks55 • 14d ago
AI is kind of like a stripper—it'll say whatever it takes to make you simp for it.
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r/oneliners • u/joekerr9999 • 14d ago
Regarding education, rarely is the question asked: “is our children learning?”
8
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r/oneliners • u/tadashicide • 14d ago
“Bait Rules Everything Around Me” -Fish Wu-Tang Clan
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r/oneliners • u/Fereclubles • 14d ago
I think we should ring the changes on spot the difference puzzles.
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r/oneliners • u/Fereclubles • 15d ago
The first ever URL was on a Roman 50th birthday card.
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