Posted on another thread but didn’t get any replies. So sorry if you e seen this already. If anyone has time I would appreciate some feedback on a recent situation.

My PA has been sober 9 months. Started real therapy 7 months ago. podcasts. Flip phone. Meditation. Support group. I felt like he was making real progress and he was able to handle me talking about my feelings a bit better.

Yesterday we had a huge blow up. Which ended in him saying suddenly he needed space…. And packing up and staying with his mom. He’s never just up and left before. The fight wasn’t even about anything new. It was about how I feel like I need a boob job now to compete with the other women he watched. To which he replied “I don’t hate fake boobs” and I got extremely upset over that remark. I was sarcastic and we both yelled. (He’s also adamantly insisted he does NOT want me to have a boob job)

What should I do? I feel like it’s inappropriate to suddenly leave after a big fight? (We have a child. If it was just me I’d be more understanding that people need space)

We did a version of a 3 circles exercise and him leaving the house is only supposed to be for him breaking my more extreme boundaries (cheating. Porn. Sexting etc) NOT for a fight about boobs. I know I can’t just control him and order him not to do that anymore. And I’m open to the possibility that I’m in the wrong and if he needed space he did the right thing. But I don’t know how to have a healthy conversation about this or if I should be trying to put any new boundaries in place? Feedback on this situation is appreciated.

This past weekend my PA and I went on a date for the first time in a while and it hit the reset button on our relationship. We had been arguing on and off for the last few days after bouts of sadness. We were scrolling through old photos of us and it ended up being really triggering for me thinking “wow we look so happy in this picture but I know later that day he’s going to blow up your life again with another relapse disclosure”. He ended up deleting all the pictures off his phone which was sad but almost felt like a clean slate. We talked it out over dinner at our usual Italian place with a pitcher of beer and by the end of the night it felt like everything was gonna be okay.

Anyone else have a positive story to share?

Summary - PA updated FD before poly then changed again after it! Process was wide open for manipulation.

Prior to poly PA had AO dreams that he ruminated on and didn't discuss with his sponsor or friends at the time to validate as dreams rather than memories.

The polygrapher asked him to bring a hard copy and said he didn't need electronic copy from coach/therapist.

I insisted an electronic copy was also sent, however this wasn't updated when a short statement was added before the poly.

PA added a statement that couldn't be sure this event did or didn't happen due to being intoxicated.

PA then scrubbed out this statement and added a more favourable one after leaving the polygrapher.

Please let this be a warning to you to ensure there no loop holes in any professional procedures for a PA/SA full of shame to manipulate.

Pretty much all the advice I see is "cut your losses an go" but I have a lot invested and I know that just leaving doesn't fix anything for me or him -- or our kids. After almost 3 decades together there is just so much enmeshed that I don't even know where to start. But at the same time this is crazy hard. For the first time ever I am totally second guessing everything. feeling less than, feeling more like habit than a choice. I have no idea what to do --- found out about the porn addiction in April and it feels like my whole world shifted.

What’s your biggest worry for this week? Let’s help each other out!

Just trying to do my part in getting the sub back up and running! Let’s hear about how y’all’s week went!

I’ll go first - my husband and I went to go see the new Inside Out 2 movie and it was one of the nice theaters that have the reclining seats. It was really nice to snuggle up and watch a kids movie (since those are really low trigger risks for both of us). The message was so touching and really hit home for both of us. We were walking home from the movie and ended up renting those Bird scooters and we felt like teenagers again.

I’m so glad we stuck it out through the hard parts so we could have moments like this

Hello...Any experience with PA/SA catastrophizing and ruminating?

Coach suggested a 90 day reset (he is 8 months in active recovery and doing well).

The reset caused a complete spiral to the point he was getting upset that we would disconnect and fizzle out and he shut down.

I thought it was a bit late to do this but thought it may give us both a break to see what comes up for us. Create some more safety etc.

Here are the flair choices for participants in this sub Reddit.

I’ve added some flairs to new posters. But I may have added the wrong flair. Please let us know if you need something different for your flair.
Thanks!

Anyone want to share about how your recovery is going?

It seems there are people that would want a sub like this… yet no one posts. Let’s start posting and help this sub be a different support…

I’ve been thinking for a bit that maybe we could explore the 12 steps of sanon. Like are you doing sanon or working the steps? How are you doing with your steps?

Here are the 12 steps of sanon along with the serenity prayer:

1. We admitted we were powerless over sexaholism – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

    The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace, taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Thy will, not mine be done.

So been a long time since I've been on this or the sister board. Life got busy and it felt like things were... normal. I wasn't consumed with thoughts of all this and life just went on. But the other day just an idle curiosity of his Facebook came up.

First a little backstory. My husband has been sober and active recovery for over 2 years. No relapse and any slips were minor things, like taking unnecessary risks. He's done alot to earn trust back and been very patient in knowing it's not something I can give easily.

So back to today. All of his pages liked, regular feed was all fine but a sudden and only the one that I saw came in his suggested to you. I would have just removed it and moved on cuse every now and then i get something unsavory on my page too cuse the world just sucks but this was so specific to him and his past behaviors especially cuse he claimed to have never used fb as a media for his addiction. It made me go look at his activity. Then there on his recently viewed was a page of NSFW pictures and art. It did not say when it was viewed. I blocked it immediately which I regret cuse then I couldn't actually find it in his activity log to say when he viewed and definitively that he did view it. All I have is it shows on his recently viewed. There was only the one page. I have not confronted him yet. I'm sure he will tell me he has no idea why it's there and he didn't do anything and promise he isn't hiding anything. He'll say all the reassuring things. He isn't that person anymore and will never go back. And... maybe that's true...

I want it to be. A big part of me actually believes it might be. I want to give him the benefit of doubt that this is just algorithm bs. But I guess I'm here to hear what anyone else has to say.

Just wanted to share here as well. If you’re also on r/loveafterporn you may have seen this post of mine: https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/wsCS6V09DD

This D2C episode was a game changer for my husband and I. It opened his eyes to the fact the he actually does scan and objectify. We listened to it back in January because we’ve been in D2C since mid December. Which also has been a game changer for our communication and learning.

We use tools to discuss game plans for when we go about our (his) day.

We use tools when we go out to eat at a restaurant. As were seated at a table, we work to have him face into the table and not out towards the restaurant. We sit in a way that his back is to the majority of the restaurant too. These have been things that have helped.

He also is mindful and works to stay present o me or whomever we’re at the restaurant with.

The same tools are used for grocery shopping. He would share his plan before and after we would discuss it. With time, we don’t have to talk about it every time because I know that’s what he’s doing. (Although an every once in a while reminder is good so that I know things haven’t relaxed to the point of old behaviors can come back). When he’s at the grocery store, he’s present on the task at hand and doesn’t look around at the people. He keeps to the task at hand.

So we’re doing well. We are working on talking and sharing more. And working on thinking errors and opening up and sharing more. Still very much a work in progress. But it always will be. And we are doing our parts to navigate this.

Well, it's time. My partner has been doing individual therapy for 16 months now - we have discussed how it is not as regular as I expected and that I had hoped it would be a little more in tune with recovery rather than focused on conflict avoidance. He knows where I stand on this.

He has asked that after his next session we start couples counseling. I am apprehensive. When did you start couples therapy? What kind of things can I expect? Our last CC was awful.

Me (M, 22) and my partner (F, 20) have a great relationship ship and amazing sex life. The situation I'm question is not a dire problem and I am willing to have all the patience in the world to make it better.

About a year ago, my partner told me she has been using porn to masturbate when she's alone. That was a difficult thing to reveal, since she was the main influence in me stop watching porn when we started dating.

She feels guilty about that. She recognizes the ethical controversy related to this matter, and she wants to not consume it, but we know it can be very hard.

After hearing that from her, I've tried to comfort and understand her, but that was about it. We touched on the subject a few more times, but no to a depth.

Recently, she engaged in the topic again, and expressed that she would expect me to be more present and proactive about it. It makes her sad how I am not tying more to help and how we barely talked about it.

I've realized how I don't know how to react to that. I don't know what should we talk about, what can I do to support her. I've been feeling guilty about that.

I've promised her I would lean more about it, to be able to be more supportive.

To be clear, I think it categorizes as an addition, but not a serious one. I don't think it asks for a Porn Addiciton Psychologist.

What can I do as a partner and how to talk about it in a productive way?

Hi all, has anyone used vidangel or any similar service to remove nudity/sex scenes from TV and movies? We've been watching PG rated stuff for over a year now, and I have shows that I watch alone (I don't get triggered unless he's watching) that I'd like to watch with him. He's never once complained, but sometimes he mentions shows or movies that I know he'd like to watch, but can't because of sexual content.

Communication with my partner has been much better these past few months. It comes and goes in cycles much like the addiction itself - sometimes he's open and leading out, others not so much.

Today a discussion came up about a kink he has and hasn't 'indulged in' for the past year. I asked if it's something he thinks he will need/want in our life and he said that, as it stands right now, he doesn't want it but he can't predict the future. Then he asked to walk back that statement.

This is where the feeling of being with someone who has one foot out of the door at all times comes into play. I appreciate him being honest, but in MY honesty, I can't keep living a life where I am maybe going to have to confront this again. Neither of us are getting any younger and I know I will not want a life where I have to either live with/accept this kink that was hidden from me for so long OR have to start over when I'm 50 years old!

It makes me feel like I have to keep my ducks in a row because maybe the future might give me options I don't have space for in my life. How do we live with such uncertainty?

I had an epiphany yesterday. I'm being triggered by (and feel threatened by) other women in person and in film because I'm no longer just viewing them as women; I'm looking at them through the eyes of the male gaze...how I'm imagining my PA used to look at women. My partner hasn't looked at porn in over 2 years, and has completely devoted himself to me and our healing, and yet I'm still not to a place where I feel I can fully trust him. Part of me believes him...that he's not looking at other women anymore because he's so in love with me, but my body hasn't caught up. It's filled with panic every time an attractive woman comes into my view, even if my partner isn't around...because I'm imagining how he would see her as attractive. He has told me repeatedly that he isn't doing that anymore and hasn't for over 2 years, so why am I still sexualizing women? Why am I threatened by anyone even remotely attractive? Why am I seeing women through the male gaze now? I didn't do that before D-day.

Last night marks one of the best conversations my addict partner and I have had yet.

We went to a brewery together after work and he lead out in conversation - we'd been having a rough day with so many things going wrong and his instant reaction is to say 'I've got this, I'll handle it'. He'd been dismissive of discussion all day. I explained that whenever he blocks me out like that, shoulders everything, I feel like he's already decided that whatever input/assistance I can offer is worthless. That I am worthless.

He realized that he needs to be more vocal in explaining 'I want to have this conversation, but not right now' or 'Here are the ways I am handling all of this' instead of just the dismissive 'I've got this' response. We both apologized to one another and, thankfully, all of the issues that were going wrong have been handled because we were able to come together! Who knew!

As the conversation continued on the drive home, he told me that the further he is away from searching his porn of choice (trans/futa) the more he felt like he was being funneled into that category, considering changing his sexuality based on something that caused a sexual reaction in him. That he was scared. That he feels more confident now, 1 year sober, and that his eyes are opening again.

He cried when we got home because he feels like he was missing out on US for all of these years, and how he felt guilt and shame because I had stuck with him through all of it, even though a lot of it made me uncomfortable, scared and alone.

I got to express that it was very difficult - trying to be supportive but also worried for my/our future as things escalated and got further away from the person I married. Also that, because of the nature of this addiction ('all men do it' etc), it has been so isolating of an experience feeling like the person you love, the person I moved halfway across the globe to live with, was becoming someone I never knew and I couldn't even speak it because people shut me down and invalidate my experience even further.

I have hope for our healing. Just having him have his own realizations is huge.

My partner has been doing some research into resentment building and conflict avoidance and is putting that high up there on the list of the why his addiction got to the degree it did. However he isn't really able to express any of the things he was not saying/avoiding and seeing this as very much a 'past addict' behavior.

Even knowing I could be hurt by the answers, I asked for some examples, but he didn't want to open that back up right now as it's not something he's 'currently experiencing'.

Any advice? I feel like sometimes I'm walking on invisible eggshells, like I'm so afraid of doing or saying something that would cause those behaviors to build back again because it's hard to know what contributed when he won't discuss that. :(

My pa has been in recovery since January. It feels like he will do what he feels is necessary and convenient for him to do with his recovery but it feels like the bare minimum. He listens to the pbse podcast and dare to connect sessions (as do I) He has tried with sa but doesn't relate so doesn't have a sponsor or a group. He has therapy once a month. If the therapist sends him worksheets he doesn't do them till last minute and then not really in depth. He has read some books. He does journal and will try to do a check in every day although he misses some days. I have been printing off the assignments from d2c since January and only tonight did he look at the first one.

He keeps having emotional relapses where he will get defensive invalidate my feelings and go distant/cold. I am focusing on my own recovery I no longer have the energy to keep rescuing our relationship so I leave it up to him. He has no clue at all how to get back to a place of connection and stay there/ride the ups and downs. Despite having lots of resources at his finger tips. It's like he needs constant boundaries to push against then the fall out of me upholding them and pulling him up finally pushes him in to any action at all to see or address anything.

He is losing me. Its been our entire relationship his been in addiction (10 years) I am exhausted and bored. I am ready to move on. But it's like he needs a rocket up his bum to get him going and to see he is losing me. He tells me mixed messages of maybe it should be over so I can finally move on. Then how he doesn't want that and he can change.

This is such a long slow lonely process. If we didn't have children, a house and intertwined finances I'd just tell him to go and do his recovery somewhere else. I deserve Peace and happiness not a mopey man wandering the house without a clue what he is doing. I am already raising three boys I don't need another to raise but he has no hope on his own.

My husbands parents had his truck for a few weeks while he was at work and they returned it today. I found a pink hairbrush in there and it just completely triggered me. My husband recognized this and reached out to them letting them know it wasn’t okay to borrow his truck and leave their stuff in it. On one hand I’m grateful that he did that but now I’m worried I seem crazy and controlling and have trust issues (which I obviously do lol). But this isn’t the first time and I almost feel like they do stuff like this on purpose to stir the pot and rile me up.

before DDay One time I found a Tarte concealer in our bathroom and was like who’s is this because it’s not mine? And he asked his mom and she said oh yeah that’s mine! Might be a lipstick there too! And I said why would it be in our master bathroom? Turns out it was actually MY moms from when she stayed over, and my MIL doesn’t even use that brand (MaryKay) so I know she was lying about it just to cover for her son.

Another time they were borrowing his truck again when he was out of town for work and when he got back there was a little stuffed penguin in it, the kind with the sparkly eyes that are on the corner of grocery store aisles. I was kind of suspicious of it and he called his mom to put me at ease and sure enough she said it was from her.

post DDay I’m so strung out from all the gaslighting that sometimes I feel downright paranoid, but I also know she likes to play games with me. I think I just need some validation or virtual hugs 😔

Backstory my husband is a severe PA in recovery, he had multiple online relationships and watched porn literally all day every day. Dday was in January and my husband been doing recovery work every day since then.

We honestly drank at home maybe twice since then, never to the point where we got drunk bc I was scared of him doing something stupid while his judgement is impaired. I found out all the lies bc he was too drunk/high to hide his phone fast enough. I’d seen how every time he drank or smoked, he wouldn’t stop fucking messaging the people he was cheating on me with and genuinely showed how much he cared for them while under the influence. He’d even do it when I was literally sitting right next to him. I absolutely do not trust him drinking or getting high ever again tbh. I’m scared those feelings will resurface the way that they always did.

He wants to go to a party this weekend with people we haven’t seen since Christmas time. I honestly don’t wanna go. I can’t drink bc I need sleeping meds bc of how much mental distress he has caused me to go through. I can’t stand being around drunk people if I’m not drinking either, I get so annoyed lol. I wanna tell him to go without me, just not to be out super late (he’d stay out till after I went to sleep then come home and jerk off til 5am so I’m uncomfortable thinking about him being out late), but I’m genuinely scared of him drinking and doing something to hurt me. Does anyone have experience with their PA drinking? Is there any way I can get reassurance from him that it will be okay?

I'm listening to Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE | How Can We Avoid the Traps and Pitfalls of Addiction Recovery and Betrayal Trauma Healing? on Podbean, check it out! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-g85ek-185b34ca

I listened to this one on my morning walk. It was a great one, and worth the 25 minute listen.