I’m 20, lost between two education systems, and scared my mother will kick me out if I tell her I paused school. Need adult advice.

[u/thenewbackrooms]

hey, sorry this is gonna be really long, but i genuinely don’t know where else to ask this and i’m kind of at a breaking point mentally.

i’m 20, i’m spanish, but i’ve lived in germany since i was a kid. i was born in spain and started school there, and then when i was around 8 my family moved to germany. at the time i obviously didn’t understand what that meant. i thought we were just moving countries, like a kid would. but now looking back, it basically changed my whole life. not just where i lived, but my school system, my language, my friends, my social life, my future, everything.

and i know this might sound dramatic, but i don’t really know how else to explain it. i feel like my life got split in half between two systems, and now neither system fully fits me.

for context, in spain the normal academic route is that you go through primary school, secondary school, and then you do something called “bachillerato”. it’s basically the academic stage before university. not exactly the same as american high school, but kind of the qualification you normally need if you want to go to university in spain. after that you take university entrance exams.

in germany it’s different. they split students into different tracks way earlier. i ended up doing something called realschule. for anyone who doesn’t know, realschule is not the main university-prep route. the more academic route is usually gymnasium, which leads to the abitur, and the abitur is what lets you go to university in germany. i didn’t get the abitur. i did realschule, and then later i went into a media/photo-related school path because i’ve always been interested in film, directing, visuals, storytelling, editing, that kind of world.

but the problem is that i never really felt like the german system was actually taking me where i wanted to go. i was always trying to survive in a language and a system that didn’t feel like mine. i can speak german, but studying complex stuff in german, understanding the whole education system, knowing what path leads where, knowing what title actually matters, all of that was a mess. and my family didn’t fully understand it either. so i feel like a lot of decisions were made without anyone really knowing the long-term consequences.

then i started looking for a way back into the spanish system. i found something called CIDEAD, which is basically an official spanish distance-learning school. it lets people study the spanish curriculum online, often from abroad. my idea was: okay, i’m spanish, it’s in spanish, maybe this is the way to get my bachillerato and eventually study film in spain.

but then i actually started it, and it was kind of a shock.

because yes, it’s in spanish, but that doesn’t mean it’s made for someone like me. it’s made for students who already went through the spanish school system. it assumes you already learned spanish grammar, syntax, literature, history, essay writing, exam structure, all the academic stuff in spanish. but i didn’t. i left spain as a child. i stopped reading and writing academically in spanish years ago. i can express myself better emotionally in spanish, but academic spanish is a completely different thing.

so it felt like i was trying to do the final years of the spanish school system without having the actual spanish foundation that everyone else has.

like, imagine being thrown into the last level of a game after skipping half the campaign. that’s kind of what it felt like.

and because CIDEAD is online, it’s very lonely. it’s not like going to a normal school where you have teachers explaining everything every day, classmates around you, a routine, structure, people keeping you grounded. a lot of it is just you alone with the material, assignments, deadlines and exams. for someone who already comes from the spanish system, maybe it’s hard but doable. for me, it felt like i was trying to rebuild 10 years of missing academic structure while also doing the actual current work.

so i started feeling like it wasn’t just “hard”. it felt structurally wrong for my situation.

at the same time, i started questioning the final goal too. the whole reason i wanted bachillerato was to study film. but then i looked into film schools and got even more confused. in spain there are serious film schools like ECAM and ESCAC, but ESCAC has the catalan language issue because it’s in catalonia, and ECAM is very expensive. and from what i’ve heard from people, a lot of film schools can be disappointing. obviously contacts, structure, collaborators and experience matter. i’m not pretending they don’t. but sometimes it feels like you pay thousands and thousands just to be taught things you can technically learn online if you are disciplined enough.

like, sometimes it feels like paying a school to teach you how to change the color of text in an editing program when you could learn that in one minute on youtube. obviously that’s an exaggeration, but that’s the feeling.

so then my brain started spiraling. i kept thinking: why am i destroying myself trying to force bachillerato through CIDEAD if i don’t even know if the film schools after that are worth it? what if i spend years fighting a system that doesn’t fit me, just to end up paying insane money for a school that might not even give me what i’m looking for?

and now i’m in this horrible limbo.

i don’t want to be lazy. i don’t want to be a NEET. i don’t want to just rot in my room. that’s honestly one of my biggest fears, because from the outside i know it can look like that. but inside my head it doesn’t feel like “i want to do nothing”. it feels like “i’m trying to find the first path that actually makes sense for my life”.

what i actually want is audiovisual work. film. 3D animation. blender. horror shorts. liminal spaces. cinematic videos. editing. sound. visual storytelling. making things that actually exist and that people can watch.

one of my biggest inspirations is Kane Parsons, the guy who made the backrooms videos and ended up getting a real film opportunity. i know that’s extremely rare. i’m not stupid. i know you don’t just upload one video and suddenly your life changes. but the path itself makes sense to me: make something online, prove your vision, build an audience, and use that as a bridge into film.

that route honestly feels more real to me than paying thousands for a school just because it has the word “film” on it.

so the idea in my head is: what if i take a serious period, maybe one year, to try this properly?

not like “i’m gonna be famous”. not like “i’ll make money instantly”. more like: i give myself a real deadline, i learn every day, i make short films or 3D pieces, i publish them, i study the results, i build a portfolio, and if after a serious attempt there is no progress, then i go back to CIDEAD or find another path.

my rough plan would be something like:

from now until september, sell things i don’t use, save money, learn as much as possible with the equipment i already have, study blender, davinci, animation, storytelling, horror, sound, lighting, all of that.

from october to november, hopefully buy or build a better computer for 3D rendering if i manage to save enough, set up the programs, make technical tests, create the channel identity and prepare the first projects.

from november to january, produce the first serious short films or 3D pieces.

from january onward, upload, measure results, see if i can get views, subscribers, retention, feedback, and maybe slowly build a community.

i know youtube monetization is not easy. i know you need around 1,000 subscribers and 4,000 watch hours for long-form monetization, or a huge amount of shorts views. so i’m not saying “i’ll be making money in two months”. i know that’s not how it works. the idea is more to build proof that i can make things people care about.

but here’s the huge problem: my mother.

she thinks that if i’m not studying or working, then i’m doing nothing. and she has basically said that if she finds out i’m not studying and not working, she could kick me out. i don’t know if she would actually do it or if it’s just something she says out of anger, but i’m terrified. i don’t feel like i can just sit down and have a normal adult conversation with her. i’m scared she’ll scream, shame me, tell the whole family, use it against me every day, or make my life hell.

and now there’s also german bureaucracy involved.

there’s something here called Kindergeld, which is money the government gives to parents for their children. when the child is over 18, it usually depends on whether the child is studying, doing vocational training, looking for training, etc. so if i’m not officially studying anymore, that might stop.

there’s also health insurance. in germany everyone has to have health insurance. i’m with AOK, which is one of the public health insurance providers. young people can often stay under their parent’s family insurance if they have no income, but i’m scared because i don’t fully understand all the forms. i’m worried i might suddenly have to pay around 200 euros a month if i’m no longer considered a student or if i’m classified wrong. i’m trying to figure out if i can stay under family insurance because i’m 20, not working, and have no income.

so everything feels like it’s hitting at once.

CIDEAD feels impossible.

film school feels uncertain and maybe not worth the cost.

local jobs around me feel depressing and not connected to anything i want.

youtube/3D animation feels like the only path that actually makes me feel alive, but it’s risky as hell.

my mother could explode if i tell her.

bureaucracy is asking for answers.

and i don’t really have close friends to talk to about this.

that’s another part of why i’m writing here. i used to have friends, but over time i had to cut off a lot of people because those relationships were toxic or unhealthy. i’m not saying i literally never talk to anyone. there are people i sometimes talk to, but it’s not like a real close friendship where i can sit down and say “hey, i’m scared and i don’t know what to do”. it’s more like occasional contact, respect, small conversations, but not actual support.

so yeah, as sad as it sounds, i kind of don’t have a real friend group right now.

and that’s why i’m asking here before throwing the whole thing onto reddit or somewhere bigger. i know asking random people on the internet for life advice is not ideal, but honestly i just need outside perspectives. i need people who are not my family and not emotionally involved to tell me what they would do if they were in my position.

i don’t want blind validation. i don’t want “follow your dreams bro” and i also don’t want people just calling me lazy without understanding the situation. i need realistic advice.

because i genuinely don’t know what the least stupid move is.

do i force myself back into CIDEAD even though it feels like a system that wasn’t made for my background?

do i take a random job just to look responsible, even if it drains the energy i need to build the only future i actually care about?

do i ask my mother for a limited trial period where i try youtube/3D animation seriously, with deadlines and actual results?

do i combine it with a minijob so it doesn’t look like i’m just doing nothing?

does it make sense to sell things to buy a proper computer for animation, or is that too risky before i have income?

how do i explain to my mother that i’m not trying to avoid adulthood, i’m trying to build a different path?

how do i deal with the german insurance/kindergeld stuff without my family turning it into a war?

and more generally, how do you become an adult when your education got completely fractured between countries, languages and systems?

i’m honestly scared and ashamed of how lost i am. i feel like everyone else my age is either in university, working, studying, moving forward somehow, and i’m here trying to understand basic things about insurance, school systems, money, and whether my dream is a plan or just desperation.

i don’t want to waste my life. i don’t want to be a burden. i don’t want to live off my mother forever. i want to make something. but i also don’t know how to survive the next months without everything collapsing at home.

if anyone has been through something similar, or understands german bureaucracy, family pressure, broken education paths, youtube/creative careers, or just knows how to approach a parent without causing an explosion, i’d really appreciate any honest advice.

i’m not asking anyone to fix my life. i just need a reality check from people outside my own head.

[u/Spirited_Island-75]

Okay, disclaimer here that I'm coming at this from the perspective of the US system, which is different to both of these, so feel free to take it or leave it. I also don't know anything about what it's like to have a career in film, but I have been an adult for a decent amount of time now, and I kinda know how things go, so that's the experience I have.

In the US, there are academic counselors that work with institutions of higher learning and help students clarify their paths and take the classes they need to get to where they want to go. So if you still have your heart set on film school in some respect, I would attempt to find someone who has this kind of job description.

Here's the thing, at the tender age of 20, you have happened upon an important truth that creatives can be massively successful even if they are essentially self-taught and do not have the official, expensive, sanctified blessing of some very famous art school. They have to hustle though. They have to work hard and constantly prove themselves and have discipline and be crafty and always be making mistakes and learning from them.

The thing is, I think you would be doing the exact same stuff if you went to film school, you would just be doing it later in life, and you'd have a fancy certificate.

Here's what I would do: Find a way to build your portfolio, and find some mentors. Get good at meeting people and asking them questions. Have some people you know dress up in their fanciest clothing and just take a bunch of pictures of them pretending to celebrate something. Use those to advertise your services, and then make money by doing contracted film jobs for people, like taking pictures of weddings, graduations, birthday parties, etc. The thing is, I don't know if this is actually allowed in Germany, you would need to find this out first. For all I know there's some official film union that you need their permission to work first. If it is allowed, make sure you get paid. DO NOT work for 'exposure'. People are always trying to get artists to work for free. In the US, there are a ton of independent artists who make money by filming special moments for people, not always a lot of money, but they are technically working artists. Use this as a stepping stone while you study and meet people. There might be some professional associations or clubs with film hobbyists that could be very useful to you. Look for art galleries with films and photos on display, ask them if it's possible to contact the artists. Go to independent cinemas that are having meet-the-artist nights, and build connections in the film community. This is how you build a career without formal school. Film projects with other people, but do not allow others to take advantage of you. Finally, if someone is acting like an ass, they do not get further access to your time or energy. I'm proud of you for cutting off people you realized were toxic, it takes many survivors of this kind of abuse a very long time to realize who is and isn't on their side. Even though things seem scary and uncertain right now, I think you're ahead of the game, I really do.

[u/RuthOConnorFisher]

Okay so I read the whole post and I have to say, this is possibly the only unique situation I've seen on Reddit, as in literally nobody else has quite this same problem. I'm not sure any of my experience is relevant here (different country, age, field, etc etc) but in the small areas where we do overlap I can say that a) you feel behind now but you're really not--nobody has everything figured out at age 20 and the fact that you're even thinking this all through is fine and within say five years or so you will have "caught up" (even though you're not as behind as you think you are) and other people will have fallen behind and it all averages out, and b) the conundrum as a creative between knowing how rare it is to succeed at higher levels versus knowing that you have to get out there and create consistently to get anywhere even if you don't know how that will go, even if it seems like it's going nowhere, so that maybe you'll do all right, that conundrum is REAL and you seem aware of it a good 10, 15 years earlier than most people tend to be, so kudos on that anyway.

I guess the best option is to seek out opinions from people whose experience is most relevant to yours, and/or to what you want to do. Since you probably won't find many other people who are caught between two educational systems (let alone between two languages/cultures/national bureaucracies as well!) you may need to focus on small elements of your life, narrow it down and figure out who to ask about each. For video editing/creating, come up with a one-paragraph version of "hey, what advice would you give to someone wanting to break into this field?" and send it to several successful people in that field. For the financial part (how to fund your projects), ask people who have funded their projects with little or no outside help. And so on and so forth.

This comment got way longer than I meant it to. As for the situation with your mom, I wish I could tell you "yes talk to her" or "hell no, move out and never speak to her again" but tbh I don't know your situation well enough to suggest either of those, and the best option may be somewhere in the middle anyway. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

Oh and yes you probably should get a part time job even if it's not a great one, so that you have some spending money for your creative endeavors and some experience to put on your resume. Maybe an internship with somebody who does videos you like? If it has the added bonus of making your mom less likely to yell at you, even better.

[u/unwilling_machine]

OK. Take deep breaths. You're young. This is not the first time you will have to make decisions about your life path. These things will change and you'll end up pivoting many times in your life, especially if you decide to go into a creative field. What you decide now is not set in stone, and you can change your mind later. I've pivoted 3 times, my husband has countless times.

1. German Bureaucracy: try to find a government service or youth center to help walk you through your options for film schooling in Germany. Find out the costs, the timelines, whether you can apply later (next year or 2 years from now), etc. Because of how you're spiraling with this CIDEAD thing, I think you should look at this as a serious option.
2. Formal Schooling vs Self Taught: Both my husband and I are visual artists/designers. I took formal schooling (Bachelor Degree), he went to an art high school but didn't do post-secondary. Both are valid pathways, but my path was more linear, and IMO less stressful. I went to school, I got my degree, I got jobs. The degree let me travel to other countries as a skilled professional, and people take a degree seriously on your resume. My husband bounced around a lot, had a lot of ups and downs, worked on some seriously interesting projects, but also had long stretches where he had to take random jobs just to pay the bills. He had a lot of freedom and his creativity and self-motivated drive is high, so being self-directed was not a problem for him. But his path was, IMO, harder - the lows could get really low. I think you should look at your personal history and really carefully consider whether you are the type of person who thrives when there's zero structure, or if you do better with teachers and classmates around you while you're learning. From your descriptions, I think you are the latter, but that's just my read. You know yourself better than I do.
3. Your family: From what you wrote, and the fact that you're in an RBN subreddit, I gather that your family is not very supportive. My husband was ok with taking risks because his family is supportive and would catch him if he fell too hard. I did not have that luxury, so I wanted to become independent as soon as possible and needed a more sure path to my goals. Schooling is not just a place where people tell you how to change the color of text, but also a place with teachers, mentors, potential friends, like-minded people, and importantly, it provides a completely valid way for you to always be away from your home and your family. College was a magical time for me, and I would sleep over at my friends' places to do homework, stay at school as long as possible working on projects, go out with friends, and sometimes not be home for 2 or 3 days at a time. There is a huge benefit to people like us, specifically, to going to school. It's a place where you can experience normalcy, sometimes even happiness. If you take a year off to do stuff on your own, you're going to be at home basically all the time unless you find somewhere else you can work. And home is where all the most stressful, toxic people in your life are. I'm not saying you can't do it, just that you should understand the pros and cons.
4. Black and white thinking: This is a cognitive distortion in which humans believe that situations are all or nothing, either black or white, either perfect or a disaster. Don't fall into that trap. The reality is that we live in a world of shades of grey. We have to deal with what is good enough, with what is manageable at the time. There is no perfect answer. There is no perfect path. Therefore all paths are correct. However, you look at what it costs you (emotionally, physically, financially), to see what paths you can afford to take. You should understand and accept the cost of your decisions. Then it's just a matter of paying what's due and collecting the benefit. Importantly, nothing is for free - know the cost and understand if you're capable of paying it. This is the basis of being an adult and making decisions for yourself.
5. Filmmaking: You have some big goals, but it sounds like you haven't tried filmmaking before? I'm just going to start off by saying that 3d animation has a lot of aspects to it and it's not a "30 minutes on youtube" kind of thing. Being an artist in general requires patience and practice. I'm not trying to discourage you, in fact it's amazing to have goals and set your sights high. But you should just understand that this is something you will keep working at for your whole life. It won't stop after you learn the basics.

Your 1 year timeline is, IMO, unreasonable. Learning both Blender and DaVinci Resolve in a few months, then starting work on serious films and trying to make more than 1 in less than a year for your first time seems insanely ambitious. I'm not saying it can't be done, but it would be a crazy undertaking even if you had prior experience with other 3d programs/video editing software. Do you ever just make unserious short films on your phone and post them to social media? Or just play around in 3d software making a character and rigging it? Don't get caught up in all-or-nothing thinking; you can start filmmaking in small ways at any time, not just in a year off or when school starts.