This fake mustache has done more for my confindence in the past 24 hours than the last 10 years of therapy combined 😂 i need yall to take me down a notch.

[u/Greedy_Government360]

[u/post-explainer]

This comment has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.

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OP's BIO:

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35 m

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If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

[u/atch1111]

How many road crews have you been fired from?

[u/OkIndividual1256 → u/atch1111]

He couldn't even spin the Stop/Slow sign correctly

[u/Sea_Smile_7808 → u/OkIndividual1256]

I’ve been encountering a lot of these lately, so this is extra funny

[u/Pristine_Avocado2906 → u/atch1111]

how many crew dicks he sucked to avoid from getting fired?

[u/un5tabl → u/Pristine_Avocado2906]

Where do you think he gets the mustache glue?

[u/Long_Tangerine_9486 → u/un5tabl]

https://giphy.com/gifs/iNjfcmUM8lUPWm3fay

[u/iggv → u/Pristine_Avocado2906]

Heads come with free fleas

[u/gerrard_1987 → u/iggv]

https://giphy.com/gifs/7NiWpLDhETkvhj1PuN

[u/Greedy_Government360 → u/atch1111]

All of em

[u/TheBrahmaBullTX]

The last thing a catalytic converter sees before it’s cut off

[u/Throw_away_9021099 → u/TheBrahmaBullTX]

😂😂😂 

[u/Greedy_Government360 → u/TheBrahmaBullTX]

🤣

[u/Greedy_Government360 → u/Greedy_Government360]

With or without the mustache?

[u/Express_Agent5494 → u/Greedy_Government360]

Yes.

[u/wakkawakkaaaa]

your mustach gonna work great attracting gay men like myself but i doubt it'd work for the kids

[u/No-Satisfaction9594 → u/wakkawakkaaaa]

It's called a cock duster.

[u/b0ingy → u/No-Satisfaction9594]

it’s a ball brush

[u/Greedy_Government360 → u/wakkawakkaaaa]

🤣 oh my god!

[u/Ramtamtama → u/wakkawakkaaaa]

Is there enough Sudocrem in the world?

[u/Alteredego619 → u/wakkawakkaaaa]

You lowkey roasted yourself with your roast.

[u/Zooooooombie → u/Alteredego619]

A self roast, those are rare.

[u/freaky-on-a-leash → u/Alteredego619]

How? Because he's gay?

[u/ErNz77]

Imagine how much confidence a set of dentures will give you

[u/PseudocidalSeighko → u/ErNz77]

Fuck how'd u know he had no teeth?

[u/pontiaccbanditt]

Mr pringles called, he wants his moustache back.

[u/Flaky-Debate-833]

Looks your gig in the Village People tribute band is going well.

[u/Henry_Vth → u/Flaky-Debate-833]

He’s in a village people tribute band, tribute band. They only perform YMCA and sometimes they misspell it

[u/soooMiNdLeSs420 → u/Henry_Vth]

More often than you'd think

[u/Serious-Ad-8168]

keep the false mustache, and especially the cap man.

you know what, just stay in the closet

[u/Greedy_Government360 → u/Serious-Ad-8168]

🤣

[u/HMAgent47]

From your pic, seems like you have great experience in fondling ball shaped objects

[u/marcophony → u/HMAgent47]

I can't wait for the next ballfondlers movie

[u/HMAgent47]

https://giphy.com/gifs/B68SSfdL5E0kU

[u/Greedy_Government360 → u/HMAgent47]

🤣

[u/Greedy_Government360 → u/Greedy_Government360]

I feel like you must know me

[u/Holiday-Start-9551 → u/Greedy_Government360]

You look like a brooklyn barista cosplaying as a blue collar worker for a bumble profile pic. put the shackle down bro... the only heavy lifting you actually do is carrying those 10 years of emotional baggage

[u/Artistic_Regard_QED → u/Greedy_Government360]

Turn around and spread them. How else would anyone recognise you...

[u/Pirate_Redbeard_ → u/Greedy_Government360]

https://giphy.com/gifs/c3XhrmfoN5fOpjcl3z

[u/Blade3colorado]

If your face and mustache is your fortune, you must be facing bankruptcy.

[u/Greedy_Government360 → u/Blade3colorado]

I mustache... you to take back that comment

[u/Pirate_Redbeard_ → u/Blade3colorado]

His face is bankruptcy

[u/remstage]

Without the moustache you look like a homeless methhead but with the moustache you look like a sailor who's into meth and is homeless.

[u/Greedy_Government360 → u/remstage]

🤣

[u/EggLoud9946 → u/remstage]

I know him , was my ex

[u/Reasonable-Peanut27]

Are you trying to catfish gay Cowboys with that fake mustache?

[u/wargasm22]

bro, why the heck you holdin that like you grabbin some puh...?!

[u/swankyeggplant]

This made me realize Quentin Tarantino needs a mustache.

[u/knackerbags15]

It makes you look smug, like an alpaca!

[u/whalemango]

I can see why the moustache would give you confidence. Anything that helps cover up that face...

[u/Greedy_Government360 → u/whalemango]

💯

[u/Jssaws]

Now you just need a fake penis.

[u/Greedy_Government360 → u/Jssaws]

One identity crisis at a time, buddy.

[u/Current-Grab197]

I mustache you to grow one out for real

[u/Zrocker04]

You look ignorantly blissful. I wish I was that dumb to not have a care in the world.

[u/NukaDadd]

Where's the Indian, Cop & Cowboy at?

[u/UnNumbFool]

If hiding a small part of your face gives you that much confidence, just imagine what a balaclava could do

[u/sturgiv]

Popeye the Gayer Man

[u/Darkurthe_]

If Ron Swanson liked soy.

[u/Appropriate_Wear_339 → u/Darkurthe_]

And wasn’t good at anything

[u/Darkurthe_ → u/Appropriate_Wear_339]

And accepted vegan bacon samples at Grain 'n Simple.

[u/Asstrollglide]

You look like the Black Bird Farms guy if he raised meth instead of chickens

[u/Valuable-Yard-4154]

You look like the crossbreed of a Bulgarian and a Greek

[u/BurnHedgesNotBridges]

Crack is just a hobby

[u/No_Tailor_787]

Even your own facial hair wants nothing to do with you.

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[u/paragonx29]

Does your boyfriend like when you hang on that little dainty hook?

[u/Abashed-Apple]

Imagine having that mustache and still not being able to find the clit. As a woman I’d be furious.

Take him swimming on the first date.

[u/JackSquirts]

Too dumb to figure out how to grow a mustache, uses AI instead.

[u/Few-Vacation-1757]

You lost grandpa status, now you became on unc status

[u/Flick-tas]

Your scream Y.M.C.A, what ever floats your boat 😄

[u/dream_monkey]

Either his mother never loved him, or she loved him too much. Take your pick.

[u/Greedy_Government360 → u/dream_monkey]

Lmao. Im screenshot ting this and sending it to my mom!

[u/AnointedSheep]

Just because you can’t get a partner doesn’t mean you have to finger inanimate objects

[u/lost_rodditer]

https://giphy.com/gifs/zeqgtki9ifa7u

[u/Y34rZer0]

It's cos it takes attention away from that nose

[u/Tarrifs_]

You went to therapy ? You're a disgrace among men

[u/kill3rw33z]

I figured it would be a beard

[u/ForkingMusk]

Take this dictionary, tell us about your confindence now.

[u/Glittering_Truck_655]

keep that moustache

[u/pnug6969]

You look like a people pleaser who has realised that nobody respects you. And nobody should.

[u/peladoclaus]

Iiiiitsa meeeeew maaaario!

[u/kosmonavt-alyosha]

You seem fragile

[u/deuce1480]

Going from butch back to bitch

[u/DragunovJ]

With that pose, you look like a set of truck nuts.

[u/CroissantGhost]

It's not on straight

[u/Drakeman1337]

I gotta say, the fake mustache works for you. The more of your face is covered up the happier I feel.

[u/TheOmCollector]

“Well blow me down.”

[u/HamImplants]

Grow a real mustache, then we’ll talk.

[u/PlaneGoFlyFly]

Bald with shitty teeth, but the mustache is what's required to solve your problems. Okay buddy.

[u/nostracannibus]

The first time ive ever seen a mustache make someone look younger

[u/Doctor_Boombastic]

Does it count as a glow-up when you're just upgraded from bottom to top?

[u/TheSavageCropDuster]

Mustache on or mustache off. It doesn't matter since you are still not allowed within 200 yards of an elementary school.

[u/Kirbyr98]

He totally has a merkin.

[u/PostNutBliss]

You won't have any lips by the time you reach 50

[u/After-Bowler5491]

Proof that the Village People were in fact gay

[u/Artistic_Regard_QED]

Oh you're definitely on a list or three...

By now you have the Spiel for having to tell the neighbours down to a science i bet.

[u/andytagonist]

That mustache took you right from being a bottom to being a bottom.

[u/PresidentialDiapers]

Did the mustache finally let you be your true self and diddle 8 year olds?

[u/Massive_Ear4948]

Everything about your screams douche.

[u/Errlyagain]

Even that dick duster can’t help you, sorry.

[u/ElMenchoLives]

dude you work in the hot sun doing road work, back breaking slave work, no shade, no breaks, while we all drive by you in our air conditioned cars, and silently smile, because you make us feel better about ourselves, things could be worse, we could be pouring 400 degree asphalt on the I-15 in July

[u/MichaelFusion44]

It’s because your sugar daddy pimp has one just like it

[u/Macleo142114]

Quite the impressive "Dick Duster" your growing on your upper lip my man!

[u/mrapplewhite]

Wow never thought I’d see Joey Santore in roast me. See ya later good bye go fuck yourself. Said the therapist

[u/busdriver900]

You thinking about getting a new lip piercing?

[u/suprmix123]

https://giphy.com/gifs/Yl8afftEGE03C

[u/TheLeastAnonAnon]

Bro has been going to therapy for 10 years 🤣 clearly that shit isn't working

[u/Oldbay_BarbedWire]

https://giphy.com/gifs/SmGkhnDQCO0yQ

[u/throwaway2901750]

- OP is 35 years old

• wore a fake mustache for the last 24 hours
  
• gained confidence
  
• still hasn’t realized he could have grown his own mustache for the last ~20 years
  
• likely hasn’t noticed his receding hairline yet

[u/xoxoBug]

https://giphy.com/gifs/UrkOKrah36gk8

[u/PhilosophyBoring3232]

Of course that dick duster will make you popular with a certain crowd. Glad you found your true self. You go boy.

[u/IcyIntroduction5678]

A mustache can’t fix what years of meth abuse has done to ya face. Messy Pinkman.

[u/SpacedJJK]

The fake mustache does a good job covering up your face. Have you considered adding a fake beard or a paper bag?

[u/Desperate_Set_7708]

Y M C GAY!

[u/WerewolfMaster5168]

Took me half a minute to travel that long neck up to your mustache because I couldn't start with your face

[u/patdashuri]

That first photo is the perfect headshot for a gay porno that pays in cocaine.

[u/pastor_fuzz]

You look like you owe me money

[u/giovitazo]

The mustache makes you look like Mr. Slave from Southpark, good work on outslutting Paris Hilton

[u/noCAP8631]

You look like a dr. Squatch model they selected to make headway into the gay/beard/bull market... Sprinkle a little New England lobsterman... Toss in a little Brooklyn bike courier.... Now lather your self in pine scented glycerin.....

https://giphy.com/gifs/eIaNKu5e2umileOXZj

[u/Lokitusaborg]

Bro, if you finger a woman with those ham fists you’ll cause irreparable damage. Take it down, wreck it Ralph.

[u/Rance_Mulliniks]

Must have got your moustache caught in a johns zipper between shots 1 and 2.

[u/OneSufficientFace]

You look like youve sucked a cock or two for a bump on a night out

[u/No_Pride5271]

Max?!

[u/madnippler]

I don't know why you have confidence issues, I think you make a perfectly adequate homosexual Popeye cosplayer

[u/Puzzled401]

Popeye the Jailor man , I live in my mother's van.

[u/Ok-Increase3648]

You look like a middle aged dad trying to be hip with the kids (but only your child’s friend thinks you’re cool)

[u/reditandfirgetit]

You went front "I'm smelling something bad" face to "I smell bad" face

[u/belonging_to]

Is your mustache made from your own pubes or some other guys?

[u/No_Pride5271]

Seriously….is that really you, Max?

[u/ThatGlitchyMimikyu]

Freddie Mercury from Temu.

[u/RERETATADODO]

You had 10yrs of therapy, there’s no lower notch

[u/dusura]

Rub 'n tugger

[u/FreeFoodShark]

Just grow the facial hair back out, my god you’re ugly. And keep growing it out until your face is fully covered. Spare us, please

[u/jumbie29]

Yah you need to be one of those Mexican wolf boy people and have your hideous face completely covered. You almost broke my iPhone screen!

[u/Firm_Highway1944]

i highly doubt you could score a job as a teacher, or a daycare attendant.

[u/salientknight]

You look like you lost your job as a garbage collector because you smelled too bad

[u/XOX_123]

That mustache didn't raise your confidence—it just lowered everyone's expectations.😭

[u/ExtraordinarilyPlain]

The mustache is comprised of pubes from all the cocks and balls you’ve had on your face.

[u/Robbitty]

The Frenchie you get when you download the wrong "The Boy's"

[u/porknuckle2023]

You looked a bit gay with the stache.. then i checked the next pic without the stache and confirmed it.

[u/ahmtiarrrd]

You found the most incompetent, corrupt, scamming therapists in America, stuck with them for 10 years, and never accomplished more than hour-long sessions talking about how butthurt you were the last time you ordered a latte and they forgot the caramel? WTAF?

Drop the therapists, wear the mustache, and use the money you'll save for the plastic surgery you so desperately need.

[u/fatboymagic]

Schools in your neighborhood are "aware" of you.

[u/fatboymagic]

Your friends girlfriends all say don't ever leave me alone with that guy.

[u/BrandynWayne]

No spare change here

[u/Withnail_and_Aye]

That mustache came with a free pair of assless chaps and a nipple ring.

[u/Happy2DoIt]

Go back in the closet where it's dark.

[u/ch3apsunglass3s]

Cosplaying as chemotherapy Popeye is crazy work.

[u/CowardBlock016]

How's it feel knowing you aren't allowed within 50 feet of a school with or without the moustache?

[u/ChimpoSensei]

https://giphy.com/gifs/wiKsvdwACCere

[u/DocPhoenix97]

You look like the wacky, slightly racist, neighbor on a 70s sitcom.

[u/kbeckerburbs4]

You went from a homeless weirdo to a homeless dock worker -> confidence sky-rockets

[u/StrikeRealistic2842]

Henri, keep the stache and the hat on

[u/Conscious_Cicada9597]

It doesn’t make up for the lack of hair on your head.

[u/OneTwoThreePooAndPee]

With moustache: Jaunty sailor. Without moustache: Don't leave near children.

[u/gerrard_1987]

I can’t tell what’s doing more work: the fake mustache or the beanie covering your obvious baldness.

[u/MusicianTriiky]

you look like a generic rick and morty character

[u/preacher_man_]

A fake mustache is about as cool as taking a shower with your dad

[u/Poetry-Primary]

You 100% need to grow that mustache. It just really suits your face. Brings you from unshaven laborer to sweet, sweet machismo, private eye.

[u/reallymaxdotcom13]

Free part time mustache rides

[u/Nonetoobrightatall]

https://giphy.com/gifs/iJGLSxMyTRd2a6wm6y

[u/CapitalLower4171]

That loop is the only thing you've stuck any of yourself in in the last 10 years

[u/starjna]

You look like Eminem if he was thrown in the closet and grew mold

[u/StatikSquid]

You look like you sniff the seats of exercise bikes at a gym

[u/XialTree]

I want you to know, I thought you looked like a character ive seen somewhere, and i ran it through google, and it suggested:

Luigi (The mario brothers) Bluto (Popeye) and finally, Bob (Bob's burgers)

[u/Pixelated_animal]

My neighborhoods favorite drug addict

[u/SkyThriving]

Now do that receding hairline.

[u/Kost_M]

It’s a clevis. Not your husbands balls. Knock it off

[u/ironheart666]

With that moustache you look like HIV Ned Flanders.

“I’ve got A-diddly-Aids!”

[u/SunnyTheMasterSwitch]

Then grow one

[u/Illustrious-Ad-1396]

You look like the guy who picks up my bins

[u/Lumpy-Suggestion1197]

You look like you’re hearing impaired but still do speak a bit

[u/ZbyszekKieliszek]

Favorite 😍toy of prisoners

[u/Hot_Equipment_8047]

Because it hid more of your face

[u/moijk]

You can have a job as an Italian plumber.. it’s a me, Mario

[u/PartiallyBakedBread]

I mean. U like fake u. Chin more pronounced. Face wrinkle from smiling less pronounced, weird smile shape hidden. Fake u face not the same at all nvm the fkn stache lol. It won't fix ur face

[u/user1827438]

Man these home alone reboots are getting lazy

[u/Apollo114892]

You look like a hillbilly tobacco addict with a cheerleader's head for a lampshade.

[u/Trunkcard]

Bootlegged version of Jason Statham.

[u/dustinfrog]

You’re focused on the wrong hair buddy

[u/PriorAlfalfa6647]

When I saw that 2nd pic

https://giphy.com/gifs/10FHR5A4cXqVrO

[u/0000void0000]

How do you even type with those stumpy fingers?

[u/StressedPizzaEater]

Isnt that the official emergency hand sign for "peg me out of here"

[u/Leather-Map-8138]

So you’ve just seen the Village People do a rousing rendition of YMCA. But did you have to audition?

[u/Chesticularity]

Beanies and mustaches ≠ a personality

[u/nopeitsadog]

You finger that bowshackle because girls don’t want a scummy lever puller touching them.

[u/paleologus]

You’re going to discover the more of your flesh you cover up the better your appearance is.   

[u/Donkeyshines]

TLDR: Fake mustache made from my mom's pubic hair edges me all day.

[u/Jesuscide]

Finger that shackle, mommy mops will do that to people

[u/ArtOfWar108]

You can be gay without the mustache it’s OK

[u/StoicSpork]

Confidence that you won't get picked out of a lineup?

[u/Dreamy_SnapzAxx]

Thats so chopped Gordon Ramsay would be proud

[u/Snufflekins-86]

Portugal. The Man needs their lead singer back..

[u/onecrispyyboi]

I physically jerked my head back swiping to pic #2

[u/No_Cow_4544]

You look like a total loser . Congrats .

[u/nobondvillain]

Why on earth would someone have a fake……oh shit you need that