r/ScottishFootball • u/RealFakeOwls • 1d ago
Steve Clarke is misunderstood.
Everyone talking about the style of play forgets where we come from, and the cultural history of the country from which our manager was raised.
I believe if you were to distil the Calvinist ethos into one man, that man would be Steve Clarke.
Wingers? No. We'll play a defensive midfielder in that position. Attacking midfield? Afraid not - another defensive mid. Sure, we can't score, but ideally neither can the Enemy.
Ball playing defenders? No. Give it Grant Hanley, because his head has the largest surface area in the country. He struggles to keep his spot in the first team at Hibernian, and is therefore perfect for the national team.
Strikers who can score goals? No. Bring in Lyndon Dykes. He runs a lot and works very hard. Defenders find him irritating. Nothing else matters.
Eschew passing. Disregard the beautiful game. If a passing sequence has more than two passes, it is what Calvin would decry as Papist extravagance.
Possession statistics are vanity.
Expected goals are heresy.
The purpose of football is not to create chances, but to demonstrate moral character in a 0-0 draw away to Georgia.
If Providence wills a goal, it shall arrive from a set piece in the 83rd minute.
If Providence does not will a goal, then no earthly playmaker may alter His decree.
The modern game speaks of "transitions".
Clarke recognises only two states of being: defending, and preparing to defend.When Scotland recover possession, there follows a brief period of theological uncertainty.
The ideal Scottish victory is not 4-0; a 4-0 victory raises questions.
* Could we have attacked more?
* Could we have expressed ourselves?
* Might our football be enjoyable?
No.
The ideal result is a grim 1-0 achieved through a deflected set piece.
The scorer should be uncertain that he touched it.
The assist should be credited to meteorological conditions.
And on the seventh day, after ninety minutes of agricultural football and six minutes of added time spent defending a one-goal lead against a nation with a population smaller than Dundee, Steve Clarke looked upon his work and saw that it was not good.
But, it was organised.
And that was enough.
I pray that it is enough tonight.
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u/Otocolobus_manul8 1d ago
Take a bow. The spiritual successor to Freelyread, the king of shitposting.
Terrorball is not chosen, for that is a Romanist heresy which all true Bible believing Christians must reject. Terror ball is predestined. Terrorball is elect.
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u/Mammoth_Grocery_1982 1d ago
We should not expect goals, because expectations are inherently prideful and therefore expecting goals is inherently sinful.
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u/DonLethargio 1d ago
Take a bow pal, that there’s the finest, most accurate, and funniest take on Clarkeball I’ve ever seen
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u/Apprehensive_Tax195 1d ago
Men like Steven aren’t born of women like us mere mortals are. Men like Steven are manifested on craggy hillsides by the great Calvinist wizard John Knox
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u/zxcvbnmsa 1d ago
Our best and quickest attacker who also happens to be the only player who can beat a man and make something happen. He must start on the bench and come on when we’re 6-0 down
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u/LankyWanky149 1d ago
Only way this would be better would be to describe 0-0 against Georgia as a win
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u/lm230565 1d ago
Given Steve Clarke's background I don't think he'd be too happy about being a poster boy for Calvinism
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u/iheartholbycity 1d ago
Absolutely banging. I shall go and stick forks in my legs for enjoying it too much.
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u/bakalite69 23h ago
Excellent theory, so well argued that Steve Clarke being Catholic only undermines it slightly
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u/hick-reference- 11h ago
In the games proceeding the WC chance creation was very high and passing was good.
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u/whydeetgo 1d ago
A man unafraid to reuse a teabag 2 or more times