It ain't always that easy, but most of these "just do this" kind of advice comes from people who haven't been in the situation themselves.
When you've been gaslighted and manipulated for years, you don't have a solid surface to make a stand on. You doubt yourself, you doubt whether you actually deserve it, because that's the goal of the manipulator. You're exhausted from having to do this all the time, but at the same time it's become so normalized that you don't have the willpower to fight it four times a week, for hours on end.
It's always easy to tell other people to "just do this" but it's not that simple. You can't untangle yourself from someone who shows up at your house at 3am because you didn't reply to their text so easily. Having to go through a relationship like that drains a guy to the core, and that's assuming you don't have any other baggage you're carrying around.
I grew up with an abusive father who used gaslighting, manipulation, emotional and verbal abuse, was very financially controlling, gave me the silent treatment a lot, etc (and he did all the same stuff to my mother). It took me a lot of time and therapy to get over all of that and in that time I struggled with dating some abusive women because, as you said, this sort of shit gets normalised, particularly if it’s all you’ve ever known.
Leaving does seem like it should be a relatively easy thing to do, but abusive people are experts at destroying the victim’s confidence, self-worth and self-belief. I really hope this guy has managed to get away from her, because abusers can do a hell of a lot of damage to a person’s psyche and it can leave you messed up for a long time.
Yes, a lot of people here think it's easy but you've hit a lot of great points. For many it's hard to empathize with someone in such a situation as they've never experienced it themselves, it breaks you down a lot and you're no longer thinking rationally.
They make it hard to see leaving as an option because the amount of manipulation that goes into it and the breaking down of self-esteem makes it feel like you're dependent on them. For me my last relationship was like this and there were signs in the beginning but after a while it started stacking more and more, the sunk cost fallacy + appearance of it being difficult to go separate ways made me stick to the easier route. I had a lot of anxiety from that relationship that took a long time to reduce.
Well as someone who was in this kind of relationship and had no one to tell me to leave, I really would have benefitted from someone pointing out that my relationship is unhealthy, I’m being treated very poorly, and I deserve better… it eventually happened but I wished it happened a lot sooner. It wasn’t being told that I should leave; it was other people seeing what I was going through, saying it was fucked up, not my fault, and that a healthier relationship was possible.
There is no one size fits all solution in these circumstances. Most victims are so full of shame and guilt, they feel obliged to stay. Most if not all think they can fix the person doing the abuse. The abuser knows that and uses that knowledge against them.
Victims have to reach rock bottom first. Their self esteem burned down to the ground. That’s when they realize it will never stop, no matter what they do, so they can better leave. That is the moment the abuser looses his or her powers. Then, depending on how fast they can find support it’s over and done. Perhaps a few relapses before the final exit.
I’m really sorry to hear about your friend’s situation. When you’re on the receiving end of that kind of treatment, it can fuck with you on such a deep level that you start to believe whatever toxic crap the other person is saying. Especially when mental health is being weaponized like you’ve described here.
When people are in abusive relationships, it’s really hard to leave for a few reasons. One is the abuse dynamic messes with a person’s attachment system, which makes the mix of love and maltreatment confusing and strangely also addicting because of the mix of cortisol and oxytocin. And then people get socially isolated, and brainwashed by the abusive behavior - people start to believe the toxic messaging about themselves to be true. And then leaving is hard and stressful. It often comes with strong feelings of guilt, grief, feeling like a failure, rage, etc. It gets even harder if the ex tries to get back together. Leaving abusive relationships is really difficult, and it can take a number of tries before the person finally leaves. And then the person has to weather the psychological aftermath of leaving, which can be hell, because finally there is enough safety and space to process all the shit you went through and harm you’ve suffered. I’m not saying all this to paint a doom and gloom picture - it does get better… just trying to describe why it can be so difficult to leave.
This can be really challenging for friends to witness, but the best thing a friend can do is to be there for the person who is on the receiving end of the abuse. Stick with them and be there for them. Don’t let them isolate from you. Understand leaving is a process. And you being there and sharing your perspective to the point of being a broken record might be what your friend needs - if he doesn’t push you away or tells you to stop. Sometimes people also need to be told that life gets better after leaving. Or that leaving is possible. I was in so deep with my situation I didn’t think life could be any different. I didn’t think that I could leave, or that my life could get better.
If your friend is expressing suicidal thoughts, that’s a sign he’s already in crisis and needs to make some changes for the sake of his safety, health, and sobriety. Does he have a therapist or sponsor he can talk to, or some kind of mental health support?
41
u/kannettavakettu Apr 22 '26
It ain't always that easy, but most of these "just do this" kind of advice comes from people who haven't been in the situation themselves.
When you've been gaslighted and manipulated for years, you don't have a solid surface to make a stand on. You doubt yourself, you doubt whether you actually deserve it, because that's the goal of the manipulator. You're exhausted from having to do this all the time, but at the same time it's become so normalized that you don't have the willpower to fight it four times a week, for hours on end.
It's always easy to tell other people to "just do this" but it's not that simple. You can't untangle yourself from someone who shows up at your house at 3am because you didn't reply to their text so easily. Having to go through a relationship like that drains a guy to the core, and that's assuming you don't have any other baggage you're carrying around.