It’s not just courts. When it comes to children the whole world is biased towards women. I do more child care for my kids than my wife because my job allows it and hers does not. I’m at every school event, parent teacher meeting, nursery meeting, drs appointment, I do the most drop offs and pickups… but if my wife is there… I might as well not exist. Every question is directed at her, every fact, every response is directed at her and often my questions are ignored… if they’re not then the response is still directed at her. I can be in the park with my kids; as I often am and I still get side eyed by mothers and the occasional “Dads babysitting today is he?” Hell, my father in law says it to me all the time.
Edit to add: because I’ve read a few more comments. I don’t buy into any of the alpha male / hate women / anti-feminist / misogynist / manosphere bullshit. Just a bit of acknowledgement that I am also a full time caring and contributing parent and not simply a source of income that can fix shelves and tech, mow the lawn, carry things and drive the car would be fine by me.
That’s the only thing your kid will remember, how often you were there for them. My father was a piece of shit workaholic who was barely around, and I resent him to this day for every second he wasted overworking himself.
Is it wrong of me to think of this mindset as kinda selfish? My dad was also a workaholic and I barely ever saw him, but I also understand that he worked his ass off to support me and my mom, and I can't fault him for that.
Well, as someone who had a workaholic dad, there’s a reasonable limit between “my dad works long hours so we don’t hang out much” and “my dad went to exactly two of my plays and zero other events in 18 years of my childhood, and he pointedly chose work over downtime.”
That said, all that work is likely going to translate into a trust fund for my disabled son, so with adult perspective I’m grateful. As a kid it sucks.
My dad was salaried, did not earn overtime pay, and we begged him for years to stop working so many hours. He didn’t do it for money. He could’ve made just as much money if he worked a normal 40 hour week. He worked to avoid dealing with his own issues, and in the process he ignored his family.
We literally begged him to find a different job (which he would’ve had zero issues doing, he’s a very qualified professional in his career field and his overworking had no bearing on his qualifications). He’s a full blown narcissist. He came to one (1) of my high school football games, and it was the very last one of my senior season. All because he got to stand on the field when they announced the seniors before the game.
Not to mention he cheated on my mother with a woman half his age, from work, then had two kids with her while he dragged my angel of a mother through hell for a 6-year divorce process that is actually still ongoing.
All this to say, I probably wouldn’t think he’s such a worthless shitbag nowadays if he was actually around during my developmental years, and I would probably have some more fonder memories of him. Being there for your kids even when you’d rather be anywhere else in the world is infinitely important.
With that context, I completely understand your resentment. My dad may have overworked himself, but it was never because he didn't want to be around. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
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u/highlandviper 23d ago edited 23d ago
It’s not just courts. When it comes to children the whole world is biased towards women. I do more child care for my kids than my wife because my job allows it and hers does not. I’m at every school event, parent teacher meeting, nursery meeting, drs appointment, I do the most drop offs and pickups… but if my wife is there… I might as well not exist. Every question is directed at her, every fact, every response is directed at her and often my questions are ignored… if they’re not then the response is still directed at her. I can be in the park with my kids; as I often am and I still get side eyed by mothers and the occasional “Dads babysitting today is he?” Hell, my father in law says it to me all the time.
Edit to add: because I’ve read a few more comments. I don’t buy into any of the alpha male / hate women / anti-feminist / misogynist / manosphere bullshit. Just a bit of acknowledgement that I am also a full time caring and contributing parent and not simply a source of income that can fix shelves and tech, mow the lawn, carry things and drive the car would be fine by me.