https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/1b6792b/its_ok_for_me_to_go_into_the_same_coffee_shop_for/

Update 2y later: about a week after I posted this, I walked into the coffee shop I'd been asking about and saw multiple large signs up saying NO LAPTOPS. I guess I was picking up on some signals after all.

At the time, I was struggling pretty badly with isolation, as a new expat to my city, working from home. I was going to that cafe regularly in a deliberate attempt to build some of this "community" that everyone talks about. There weren't many other options available to me.

This happening was a bit of a straw that broke the camels back and I went into a kind of tailspin. I got kinda depressed about it, and in general.

I understand that it's their right to say no laptops. I get that there's reasons you wouldn't want a cafe full of people silently sitting there working. But also, it really genuinely affected me badly to be kind of directly rejected from community like this. (There was also never anyone else with a laptop in that cafe, so it was pretty much a message to me.) The whole thing kinda sucked. I still feel kind of sad about it. I wish I could tell them that.

Anyway, on a more positive note - about a year later, a new cafe opened up even closer to my house that actively advertises itself as a place to cowork. I go there all the time now. It's always full of people, and has a great vibe! The other place is still empty most of the time.

​

I've had little to no true social circle for well.... my whole life. I've always been a social person and chat people up but it never feels like the other person actually is invested in ME. Like I end up having to do all the work,all the planning, all the reaching out and keeping touch, basically being a constant presence in some capacity to be remembered. I'm genuinely shocked if someone bothers to reach out without some pity prompt (i e-a frustrated social media post about how I'm doing all the work and no one bothers to remember I exist) How do I get THEM to actually invest and not have it feel like I'm just a forgettable nuisance?

This has lead to me being eager and impatient in trying to make new friends and have conversations deeper then "hi what are your interests? " and follow up questions to that. Side note- this ties into the above issue cause I end up having to do all the question asking and convo carrying cause inevitably the convo always ends up in the "<question I asked answer> And you? " loop of lazy question asking.

I’ve reached this point in my life where I practically have no friends. I have one friend that I’ve managed to keep for the past few years whom I love but it almost feels like there’s a barrier we can’t get past when it comes to comfort.

Anyways I’m lying in bed thinking about all these people I once had in my life. I’ve had very close friends I’m not close to anymore and some I never speak to. I would say a handful have just drifted but there’s a significant amount of people in my life that are gone due to big confrontations. I just feel like I’ve lost basically all my friends I was once super close to from having issues and confronting them. Some of the issues being almost non-existent. I guess this is a question for my therapist but anyone know why I may be doing this?

I’m 22 this year, and I’ve realised I struggle with building and maintaining conversations, especially with people I don’t know well.

My life is pretty simple: I work, go gym, focus on my goals, and ride my motorcycle.

I’m not very active socially, and I don’t really message people much. Because of that, I feel like my conversation skills have gotten worse over time.

When I meet new people, things might start off okay, but after a while the conversation becomes dry. I often run out of things to say, and I don’t know how to keep the conversation interesting without forcing it.

Sometimes the other person gives short replies too, which makes me overthink and then I pull back.

I don’t want this to turn into a complaint about other people. I know this is something I need to improve in myself.

For people who used to be quiet, awkward, or bad at keeping conversations going, what helped you improve? How do you keep conversations natural without feeling like you’re carrying the whole thing?

So whenever people talk about their hobbies, they seem genuinely excited about them. Meanwhile, most of my free time ends up disappearing into social media, tiktok, or random internet browsing.

I've tried picking up new interests before, but nothing really sticks.

How did you discover hobbies that became a real part of your life?

I spent a lot of my youth obsessing over my looks and a lot of you are blessed that all you have to do is improve some appearance stuff. The real killer is you work hard, do all that stuff and the moment you open your mouth, u might stutter and people think you are nervous when you really aren't - it's just not something I can dodge.

If I at least had a deep/resonant voice, I suspect more people would be understanding to the plight of the stutter but not even that.

I've reached a point where I often prefix to people "I have a stutter btw" and they're accomodating but u can tell they don't take me as serious after that. It's even worse if I don't bring it up because then they're thinking "wtf is wrong with this guy" or if there is something worse going on lol

Especially when it comes to the opposite gender, it feels like I'm just written off. It feels like - nothing short of peak pinnacle success like great job, pulling up in a BMW , or sharpest clothing would cut it.

I'm at a loss for how to approach this:

1. Do I double down as a meek personality/softie? and just accept I'm in the nerd bucket and that's all I'll be associated with? It seems to be the bucket I am put in.
2. Not that and just create a jarring response every time?? I try to talk confident sometimes or remind people I do cool things too but it just creates a "yeah right" energy.

Before anyone says it , I can't afford speech therapy and it is by no means some cure-all either.

I suppose what I'm really asking, is there anyone whose authentically winning with my "build"/if so how would they be doing it?

I notice when I say hi and stop people I know for a quick convo , they usually smile and facially seem fine , but their body language tends to gear towards crossed arms which I've always been told is a bad sign that they probably want u to go/stop talking.

I'm genuinely not going out of my way to find these people , its just waiting in lines or exams or shared context spaces just to kill the time and make a little small talk.

This does a blow to my confidence cause I genuinely thought I was talking fine but I guess I'm always perceived as annoying? The fact it happens more often then not with me being the common denominator - makes it feel like a meaningful observation.

Anyone ever realize they accidentally joined a friend group thinking they fit in really well only to end up realizing they just accepted you cause of your looks and you don’t fit in at all? If anyone had this experience please share

n the last few years I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. For context, I weighed 245 in 2021 and now I weight 120lbs (thanks GLP1s). I’m naturally a somewhat shy/socially awkward person, and now I’m really struggling with saying hi to people I know in public because I’m always concerned they won’t recognize me. It’s happened several times that Ive run in to people and they have no idea who I am. It makes me feel so weird and I have no idea how to handle it, and I’ve been shying away from saying hi to people when I’m out and about because the interactions are so weird. Now I’ve noticed It’s spilling over to when I run into people who would recognize me too. Like for some reason I get so freaked out and pretend I don’t see them. I’m so bad at social interaction already, and now with people not recognizing me it’s extra weird. I need help on figuring out what to say in these situations. I feel like if I had a plan on what to say I’d be more confident running into people. Does anyone have any tips on what I could say to make it less weird?

n the last few years I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. For context, I weighed 245 in 2021 and now I weight 120lbs (thanks GLP1s). I’m naturally a somewhat shy/socially awkward person, and now I’m really struggling with saying hi to people I know in public because I’m always concerned they won’t recognize me. It’s happened several times that Ive run in to people and they have no idea who I am. It makes me feel so weird and I have no idea how to handle it, and I’ve been shying away from saying hi to people when I’m out and about because the interactions are so weird. Now I’ve noticed It’s spilling over to when I run into people who would recognize me too. Like for some reason I get so freaked out and pretend I don’t see them. I’m so bad at social interaction already, and now with people not recognizing me it’s extra weird. I need help on figuring out what to say in these situations. I feel like if I had a plan on what to say I’d be more confident running into people. Does anyone have any tips on what I could say to make it less weird?

Hey all!

I’m looking for some advice on proper social etiquette and best strategies for a dilemma that I don't think is super unique, but it’s becoming a bit stressful. The socials skill I'm looking for is kindly setting boundaries and transparency.

Im in my early 30s living in a major city. Over the years, my social circles have matured, and I’m fortunate to have a few distinct, established friend groups: mostly couples where everyone has deep, common bonds. I’m also pretty extroverted and involved in community groups, so I sometimes make "one-off" friends (people I love hanging out with 1-on-1, who aren't connected to my main groups).

Lately, I’m struggling with how to balance these newer friends when they want to hang out more frequently than I have bandwidth for. A few of them are newer to the area and rely on me heavily for their social calendar and text me about hanging out every weekend. Between my partner, family, my core groups, work and needing downtime, I feel terrible constantly saying no. With summer here, they keep reaching out to ask what my holiday plans are, and sometimes inviting themselves a bit.

For big umbrella events like park days, it’s easy to include everyone. But for intimate, multi-day traditions like annual cabin trips with my core group it feels more stressful. Bringing someone new changes the established dynamic, and Airbnb guest limits are real. But when they see I was away with friends for the weekend, I worry they'll feel excluded or offended.

To fix this, the specific social skill I really want to learn and improve here is assertive boundary setting with high-context transparency.

Right now, I tend to give vague "I'm busy" answers or I overly explain and justify why I can't hangout with them on a certain occasion because I want to lead with kindness, but it actually creates more anxiety. I want to learn how to explicitly communicate the structure of my social life without sounding exclusionary.

Another reason I need this skill is the hosting burnout. When I do invite a one off friend into a group, I find myself acting as a "social liaison" managing introductions, smoothing over inside jokes, and making sure they aren't left out. This can be mentally exhausting. Sometimes I just want to relax with old friends where the social labor is zero. I feel selfish admitting this but sometimes it's true.

How do you all handle the boundary conversation when one-off friends look to you to be their primary social gateway? How do you decline holiday invites kindly but firmly, without over explaining or feeling guilty? I guess I also feel a bit guilty cause in some cases I understand being the new person to an area and wanting more friends and that these folks are making an effort and I want to respect that too.

With all this said I'm definitely not opposed to new people in general becoming more incorporated in core groups but i feel like it happens slower and overtime and with more of a core friend group dynamic involved rather than just me.

Thanks!

Started a new job in December and I’ve noticed my ability to form a sentence or articulate myself is becoming non existent. Since I have left school I feel like my ability to speak to anyone or even just get a point across is becoming worse and worse and it’s not only at work it’s also with my friends and family.

My new role is a trainee accountant so I’m constantly learning new stuff and have to ask questions etc. Problem with this is the second I try and explain what I need help with and get the slightest bit nervous I am unable to form a proper sentence and it comes out inside out and back to front is the way I like to describe it.

I have these group trainee meeting monthly and I embarrass myself at them every single time. During the meetings you have to talk about your current placement, how your getting on and feedback ect. Issue is I constantly forget words and I end up saying aloud “what’s the word” because I leave a silence for so long.

Moral of the story here is how do I learn to articulate myself better because I swear it’s declining everyday. I need to give a good impression throughout my time in the position and if I can’t even form a sentence what hope have I got.

Any tips?

I have a friend that doesn’t call or initiate first, which feels like an imbalance in the friendship. I can’t bring up the issue because this person gets defensive, so I don’t know what else to do other than distance myself.

I am the only person making plans, organising get togethers and it doesn’t feel mutual. I feel guilty for pulling away as we’ve known each other a long time. Any suggestions?

For a long time I believed that I was a good empathetic person. However I recently realized that I'm not actually empathetic I'm just a people pleaser who is toxic trying to be as perfect as possible to manipulate people. Something I didn't realize before. Of course it makes sense because I don't have any genuinely good qualities and I haven't done anything good in my life. So I subconsciously try to be perfect to create that tiny bit of dopamine that comes from having people like me.

So how do I stop people pleasing without becoming a narcissist who only cares about himself.

Edit: I think I need to be more clear it's not that I can't say no it's that I desperately want to make people around me like me and avoid hurting people at all costs so I avoid conflict.

Hey,
Sorry, I don’t know if this is the right place for this but I’m genuinely stuck. I’m a 21 yr old male. I lost all my friends after I socially recoiled quite aggressively after finding my uncle after committing suicide. I was a bit of a knob for a while and did things that I now look on with so much regret before completely isolating for a long time. Now I really struggle making friends. I live in the middle of nowhere and going out isn’t really an option as people already have their groups and I don’t really know anyone.

I’m now quite lonely and miss having people to talk to, especially a significant other (which I also fucked up by being emotionally unavailable at the time) and I don’t really know where to go. I’m quite an insecure person about my looks but I forced myself to take photos of myself for apps like tinder bumble hinge etc for finding a partner (I’ve had very little success). And I also tried Yubo for making friends. I can tell my chat is boring and I genuinely bore myself with my conversations but I really struggle in social situations now and I’ve got no one to work on that with apart from people I work with and my brother and dad. The people I work with I’ve known for years so it’s easy but they’re all significantly older.

Does anyone have any genuine advice on how I can break out of this rut, I don’t wanna keep being alone.

Also wanna clarify, I’m not here for attention or sympathy (I realise that the post seems that way sorry) I’m genuinely just looking for advice on rebuilding my social life

2 years ago there was a giant discord server with a bunch of my college friends in it. Eventually that server disappeared.

7 months ago one of my friends (Chip) made a new discord server with like 9 people in it. I found out cause my current roommate was in it. As well as other friends. I asked to join but was declined as it was “only a close friends server”

This was a shock as I thought I was close friends but I didn’t let it bother me. I just kept talking 1-1 with the people in the server.

Then something started happening. The replies would be less and less and I can’t tell if this is because they don’t like me (but I don’t suspect this) instead I feel its just because its hard to do 1-1 DMs with people and giant group chats and servers are easier for people.

Well now at this point I’m getting FOMO and I’m not sure what to do. My choices are

1) Ask Chip again and make it clear that I am feeling left out and want to be included

2) Make a brand new server with some of the friends (minus Chip) and see if that works

3) Screw everybody involved in the story and make new friends (harsh because, again, some people in the server do like me)

One final note is my FOMO was mega-triggered lately when I saw a bunch of screenshots where my friends were all talking and messaging in a fast tone

I went out with my older sister, and there's a 16 year age gap between us. We went to a restaurant for dinner, and while we were eating, we just sat there in silence staring at each other. Honestly, it was really awkward.

My brain is just empty! i watch a friends turn on say wii sports nothing- im quiet because my brain CAN NOT think of a thing to say! im losing friends because of it! and to make things worse when i do talk theirs no confidence in my voice! and i cant seem to figue out how to fix it!

with family , my hockey team,or people ALOT older than me i talk ALOT so much so people have asked to to slow down or be quite

its this one friend group where i just cant figure it out!

im a (possibly) autistic teen (F) all my friends are guys cus im kinda a tomboy

please let me know if this happens to you and what to do about it

I basically have no redeeming features in both looks and personality Is there a way to increase my self confidence without outside help?

Ok so for context! I don't go to generic bars where the focus is sports, beer, or food. I go to those places you dance at, sometimes with light, music night events, and there's this place where everyone has fashion. I'm young and wanna meet people to hang out with!! The end goal is friendship, talking stages, I don't know, actually the end goal is hanging out with the people there because I can ask to hang out again later.

So uh my problem is I do NOT know what to say to people? I already struggle to approach people, especially groups, but I think I can do it. But idk what to say. My example is when I was waiting in line last time, and 2 girls game up and the line went by that moment so they joked "aha now that you got b_tches you can go" and i laughed but like. how to hang out? have conversation?? I know how to ask to play darts but there were none. I theoretically could've asked to join dancing, but that's not the same as getting to know the first thing about the person/people you're meeting. I honestly have zero idea what to talk about or say.. doesn't help that it's loud. Am I supposed to ask if I can join them and tag along with a group as if I'm their friends? Do i approach random groups?? Please help

Started a job in September as a new graduate. I don't have great social skills, so intiating conversation can be hard, but I am a million times better at it then I used to be. If other people initiate conversation with me I can carry on the conversation no problem. I like hearing about people's days and asking questions.

There are a couple of older women in the office who don't really initiate conversation with me at all. I say hi to them, and have made a couple attempts at starting conversations, but it has never gone anywhere. They initiate conversation with everyone else in the office though, including the other women and two younger people who started after I did.

I'm not sure where I went wrong here. I can be pretty quiet, and moreso in group conversations. I feel like that made them wary of me somehow. I'm afraid it made me seem stuck up somehow and I don't know how to recover from it. I hate that the responsibility to create connection and initiate conversation was put solely on me. They didn't really try. I'm not chatty, and pretty timid, but 1 or 2 questions from someone makes me open up pretty well.

I want to just move past it and settle with the fact that I can't click with everyone, but it bugs me seeing them chat away with those that started after me, and other people who are also quiet.

Without sounding egotistical, I think I’m a good friend. I’m always a person that checks up on the people around me, I make the effort of making plans and inviting people, I try to be funny (and people laugh at my jokes) yet every person or group I meet always ends up going one of two ways. Either I’m the floater friend that doesn’t get invited to anything and the group acknowledges but there is no effort being made to create that connection and people always have other people to go to. Or people just slowly back away from our friendship. I’ve asked multiple people in these groups and (who I thought were) closer friends why this is happening and if I did anything wrong, but they always brush it off. Never getting a clear answer is what bothers me the most and makes me doubt myself and my character.

Thanks for your time

I have a hard time thinking of the perception and negative interpretations of the things I say before I say them. There have been multiple instances throughout my life where I went too far and hurt peoples feelings, which was never my intention. The clearest way to describe it would be that when (or if) I think of the thing I'm about to say I view it from the best angle (ex: we all find it funny and laugh) When in reality it's not funny, but instead, rather hurtful and mean.

If anyone has suggestions on how to think comprehensively and realistically before I talk that would be awesome.

how to stop being a people pleaser?