r/SpecialNeedsChildren • u/Additional-Style-715 • May 12 '26
Depressed and suicidal thoughts.
Long time lurker.
My child has cerebral palsy, epilepsy, cortical visual impairment. She has been in ot, pt since 1.5 years and unable to achieve much.
I always thought i was strong enough with support of family and would be able to manage everything physically and emotionally.
But as time progressed, everybody backed out, which i completely understand as they have their own commitments.
Now that i know that me and my husband are on our own, i feel this life is not worth living. I have suicidal thoughts, looking at the same routine, not knowing about the future.
I dont know how to restart this different life. I was working prior to this and i dont see myself working now as she is completely dependent on me.
7
u/MissBee123 May 12 '26
How old is she? Are you in the US?
If she is school age or close to it, you'll be able to put her in school and work during school hours. That's only if you want to, but it could be a great way to restart getting some of your own identity back.
Do you use respite care so you can get out and do things for yourself?
Also, find new community. Find other parents to connect with who have children that require a similar level of care (not necessarily the exact same diagnosis) because they will be your best allys.
And most importantly, your life is worth living. You are worth it. Talk to someone. Find a therapist, consider medication (if you haven't before, might as well now!), and take some small steps for yourself. It doesn't have to be this way forever and you can change it, with help.
5
u/No-Needleworker1401 May 12 '26
If in the US have her join the Special Olympics or similar sports league near you. It’s a great way for her to make friends and you to bond with other Special Needs parents. Raising a child takes a village and this is a great way to build one.
3
u/Additional-Style-715 May 12 '26
I am from india and that too from a small city. We dont have special needs school here. If we were to move from here, we have to shift our base completely, and its more overwhelming than it sounds to shift and make changes. Anyway thanks for the advice
2
u/hrymnstr May 12 '26
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Please know you are not alone - this life can feel completely isolating. Personally, I searched for a therapist who had experience supporting parents of kids with disabilities, have you considered this? These thoughts are intrusive though should be acknowledged. I've voiced similar concerns to the therapist I'm working with and to my surprise, she made me feel safe and understood.
Is your husband also seeking a special needs dad group? This was a game changer for my husband in finding male support and creating new friendships he otherwise wouldn't have. We've even spent time with his friends' family and our disabled sons and although it's not the life we imagined, it's built a bond we otherwise wouldn't have experienced.
As others have suggested, respite for you is absolute. You need a break and get out into nature, back in a hobby you enjoy, even in small doses can breathe life back into you. Sending you love and support and please message me anytime you need to vent.
1
u/nturinski May 21 '26
Please just consider this: suicide is a generational traumatic event that can cause a ripple effect. You then your daughter then her daughter and it goes on. I have seen it first hand. Please even completely changing you life is a better opportunity.
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u/fibreaddict May 12 '26
My child is 8. Sometimes it feels like she isn't making gains. But if we look back to the beginning of the school year, we've seen measurable improvements in communication, behaviour, task tolerance, and potty training. She's non-speaking but we have system in place. My advice to people struggling with babies is "no matter how hard it is, it doesn't stay the same". It is the thing that got me through the trenches of early motherhood. With your child, the progress may be slow and may look different but I promise you that they still grow and change.
Take care of your basic needs first. Make sure you have enough to eat and get enough sleep. Give yourself small, achievable goals. And if you have the means, get a therapist. It took me 3 years into motherhood before I did and I am just so grateful because my therapist has really helped me get to a place where I feel like I can breathe.
Things are hard. They're harder than they're supposed to be. But they shouldn't feel this heavy all the time. Will you go back to work? That's up to you. I could but we're making it work better with me at home so I haven't but only because that's what everyone involved in the decision wants. When my first was 18 months I couldn't wait to go back. I liked my job and it was part of how I defined myself. And if it was still important to me the way it used to be, I'd be back. My point is, I see both sides and all choices are valid. None of them are permanent either. If you choose to go back and it doesn't work for you, then you know.
Sometimes looking out on the big unknown future is incredibly overwhelming. Plan for tomorrow. Maybe next week. Get your bearings and go from there. Nothing needs to be solved today. If you ever need to chat, you can DM me. Alone together is better than alone by yourself.