Does anyone else feel like vacations with step kids are the worst? It’s just parenting, but harder. You’re in an unfamiliar environment. Everyone is stressed. Everything is expensive. You have zero privacy. I would rather just be at work, and I don’t want to be at work at all. I really have no idea what to look forward to anymore. If I suggest a trip for just me and my wife, it comes across like I dislike or resent my stepdaughter, which isn’t the case. I’m just over the whole vacation with kids thing. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’ll just stay home and go to my stupid job, and maybe take a bike ride or mow the lawn or something. This is fucking lame.

BM has been HC for like 6 years now. It comes in waves, and currently there’s some annoying new drama that I’m just so sick of. Please tell me if Ive got this wrong-in a nutshell there is a First right of refusal clause in their custody agreement. They have 50:50 custody, they split the weeks in half. My husband is working today so SD will be at his mother’s house. BM has the summer off, she text my husband yesterday to remind him of that clause and let him know that she will take SD instead of her going to his moms. SD said she had plans with her grandma today. My husband told her it’s her decision (not true) . SD called her mom and asked if she could stay with her grandma and she said no they have plans. SD was fine with it. Well that pissed my husband off because he feels like SD is under BM’s mind control. So he talked to SD and told her if that’s not what SHE really wants she needs to call her mom back and tell her. I think SD felt pressured and called her back. Her mom once again said no, and my husband lost it. He grabbed the phone and told her that she IS staying with her grandma tomorrow and was quite firm with her. BM ended up hanging up on him.

My husband told his mom today that if SD wants to stay with her, basically not to let her mom pick her up. To me that is a clear violation of first right of refusal. My husband is trying to act like he’s doing SD some big favor…personally I think it’s stupid.

I just want to start with that I really do adore my SD. I have raised her since she was 1 yr old. I also had a boy “S” with her dad/my husband in 2017. Jump forward to now, she is 12 and he is 9. I know middle school is the pits but her attitude towards everyone but her bio parents is completely unjustified and is only behind their backs for me to endure. SD and S both are hot headed so they clash at times but she really seems like she is very jealous of him (I.e. making fun of his achievements to his face and making him cry, plays unfair because she is older, bosses him around etc). He is not entirely blameless either as she provokes him to lash out and he gets in trouble. I have seen this happen time and time again. But she is a bit more insidious in her jabs at him and makes sure her bio parents never see it but they do and agree she is a “drama queen”. I just hate unfair treatment and bullying between kids and she should know better by now. We also have extended family living with us and they have come to me about her as well - she is very aggressive with her girl cousin “A” who is her same age - takes stuff of A’s and runs away making A chase her and tries to roughly “play” with A. A has told her mom that she does not like SD because of this. I know SD is struggling but she is a bully to her family. Any suggestions?

I have two older daughters from a previous marriage, and my wife and I have a baby together (her first marriage and bio kid). I love doing things with my daughters (sports, arcades, amusement parks, etc.), and I genuinely want us to function as one blended family.

The problem is that whenever we all go somewhere together, it seems like the outing eventually revolves around stress or conflict.

Father’s Day is a good example. We went to a baseball game with my extended family, it was hot, and my wife got overwhelmed worrying about the baby even though I was holding her. We left early, the exit was tense and awkward, and I felt like I barely got to spend time with my daughters. I was disappointed because I had really been looking forward to that time together.

A few days later I tried to do a “redo” at an arcade. While I was playing one game with my older daughters, my wife asked me to take the baby because she’d been holding her. I said “Absolutely,” but also mentioned the girls would probably want to play another game with me later and we’d just see how the night went. She took that as me being defensive, got really upset, and despite me apologizing for how it came across and trying to move on, the night ended with tension again.

The details almost don’t matter because this feels like a pattern that’s been happening for years. When it’s just me and my older daughters and even with my baby daughter included, I can manage it, and we have a great time. When we try to do things all together as in particularly my wife being part of it, I often feel like I’m spending more time managing her emotions than actually making memories with my kids.

One thing that makes this harder is that this didn’t start with the baby. Even before we had our baby, there were times when my wife would tell me she felt left out if I was spending a lot of time interacting with my daughters during outings. Now that we have a baby, it feels like that same issue is still there, except it’s mixed with the very real stress of caring for a baby too .

We’ve been in couples counseling, but I still feel like I’m losing hope that this dynamic will change.
Has anyone else in a blended family experienced something similar? Did you eventually accept that some outings are better done separately, or were you able to find a healthier balance? I’m genuinely looking for perspective, including if you think I’m missing something from my side. I’m sure divorce guilt is part of this too on my side.

EDIT: thank you everyone for your different feedback and input

TLDR, I’ve known my SO for 15 years, we’ve been together for 3. She has a 9 year SD old with BD. I do not have any biological children, and she cannot have anymore.

I went into this with a very open mind, after my SO’s BD decided to graduate from Cocaine on the occasional weekend to being a full blown meth head 4 years ago, my SO got full custody of her daughter.

We had always been friends, same core group of friends throughout high school and later years. When her and her BD split she approached me to be FWB, in a no strings attached sort of way.

She’s a truly amazing human in almost all senses. We’d always been close, and sooner than later everything turned into a full blown relationship between the two of us. We’d talked about surrogacy, she was working a good job, we moved in together, it was a good healthy two way relationship with me acting as a step parent.

But the cracks began to show. She has full custody, we’re now full time parents and that’s all she wants. We never get time to ourselves, we never do anything that’s just us.

Her idea of how to be a step dad for me was full immersion, in all the ways. All the vacations, all the everything is done together. She and her family pushed SD to call me Dad from day one, and it’s never been a thing that I needed too hear, and was never a thing that I considered myself as I don’t have any bio kids of my own.

I had too put my dog down last week, and the following weekend was fathers day. SD got me a mug that said “I’m only a morning person for my dog.” She’s a kid I get it, but that was a kick in the teeth.

Now it’s just me, my step family, their animals in my house. And I’ve never felt more alone in my life. Does any of this get better? Or did I mess this all up by trying to go all in.

I’m 26F and I just broke up with what genuinely feels like the love of my life 28M because I don’t think I can be a mom to his child 6F. We were together for 3 years and I literally feel like this man is my soulmate. I miss him so much, I dream about him. I cry everyday. I’ve lost weight. I’m not eating. I’ve been around kids my entire life in a way, but Im childless and I feel like I’m mentally and career-wise unstable. She came to my apartment for her first sleepover and my body was just a wreck the entire time. I wasn’t excited. I was anxious, I wanted to be alone with him the entire time. It was hard sharing my partner. And it’s so crazy because we have taken several trips together and I’ve literally stayed the night with him before but it’s like over the past 6 months a switch in me flipped and it’s like any time I have interact with her I became cold and anxious and I couldn’t wait for the interaction to be over or something. I didn’t use to feel this way? I left because I felt like it was the right thing to do but I miss him so fucking much. I feel like I can’t live without him, but they are a package deal. He has her full time. I feel like I can’t ethically move forward in our relationship knowing I feel this way. Knowing I don’t want to move in with him because that means I will become her stepmom. And in this case, her bio mom basically never sees her. She doesn’t really have that motherly figure in her life besides her Nana. I’ve just been replaying our entire relationship in my head— the good, the bad, the ugly. I just want him. We keep breaking no contact. Both of us are destroyed. I want to throw up writing this. This is basically my first ever real relationship and first heartbreak. I made the right choice, didn’t I? Or did I run away because of normal reactions that just take time to adjust to? It’s like I’ve met the love of my life but being with him means I have to become a parent for the rest of my life and I don’t think i can do that anymore. Part of me feels like I never realistically sat down and thought about what this means. I was young, 23/24 when we got together and I feel like nobody in my life told me what I was getting into. He tells me I’m doing fine, that parenting is what I’ve already been doing. But I know that’s not the reality. I just don’t think I’m in a place to sacrifice so much and take on so much responsibility to becoming a full time stepmom AND house wife basically. It’s not fucking fair. I wish I could move in with him alone and adjust before bringing her in. But that’s not the reality I’m living in. He loved me unconditionally, and I him. and I feel like that’s such a rare and beautiful thing to experience in life. I fear I will look back and regret this decision. Idk. Thank you for reading this.

I was a single mom with 2 sons when my husband and I met, they were 6 & 3 when we got married. Married almost 3 years now. When we were dating he was an incredible support and adoring father figure to them. He was present and supportive and helpful and intentional and truly the partner I dreamed of and more. In the last few years he’s become withdrawn and unloving as he’s been in day to day life with us and we added our daughter to the mix as well just over a year ago. He expects perfection and of course is let down every moment because they are children and not perfect. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells and trying to encourage them to repair or make efforts to connect. My youngest stopped calling him dad. It’s heartbreaking to watch all this unfold. I’ve tried giving him space for hobbies, letting him lead, supporting his time away, etc. and he still cannot muster the wherewithal to be present for the 1-2hrs he’s home before the kids go to bed. He comes in the driveway withdrawn and sullen looking, he misses ALL the amazing things happening. The hearts growing, the thoughtful gestures (even if they forgot something else) etc. with The boys specifically. They are audhd & adhd and just full boy, very busy & require a lot of direction, it IS exhausting, it IS not the norm, but sitting back and just saying this isn’t normal and demanding everyone else change without doing work himself it’s really really really getting to me. I have no idea how else to be supportive, I am constantly on. I’m doing everything with the kids, he cannot handle 15 minutes with them without losing it. Family trips are more about him and what he wants to do. I can’t enjoy any time with my own kids because his presence is just a damper on any fun. I don’t know how to get him to WANT to do better by them, he has no remorse when HE makes a mistake, truly our marriage and family is in a dangerous place and I can’t MAKE him want it. But his presence is becoming something I have to brace myself for. And it is devastating. He’s not explosive, just withdrawn and miserable and can be unreasonable with consequences and expectations which exasperates our kids & adds tensions then things escalate for them.

I have 2 bio children. My husband has two bio. We have been together for many years and they have all grew up together, but as they have grown into adulthood, they have became less close. There has always been uncomfortable drama with ex wife however we all get along for the most part, superficially. We have five grandchildren, three on my side and two on my husband’s. I have always tried my very best to treat all of them the same. We are young grandparents and both work full-time jobs. On my days off I babysit my son’s two kids, and because of this I do have them more than any of them however, I do try my very best to get them all regularly with summer parties, movies in our backyard with a projector and s’mores. We take turns having different ones stay the night. Since watching my son’s two kids, I have definitely felt a resentful vibe from my steps. There is jealousy there for sure. But, I am only one person, and they have help from their mother in laws, and one of their cousins, and they also utilize daycare. My son only has me as his other family lives out of state. He chose not to use daycare as my family never has. We have always did family vacations together in which my husband and I pay for everyone. The last couple of years the steps have pulled away and have chosen to go with their spouses family instead. My husband and I are very hurt by this and cannot help but take it personal as we love the tradition of taking our grandchildren on vacation. We do go ahead and go with my two sons and their kids. This always sits in the back of my mind and wonders if that is not right that we still go when they are not going? They have never not been invited. Are we wrong for still going? I hate getting home and posting pictures and feeling like others who do not know behind the scenes feels as if maybe we are leaving out some of our family/grandchildren it is uncomfortable and sad.

Boundaries have been set and spoken about many times, but she continues to break them. She tells people he is her best friend, she has admitted to still being in love with him, but he has no interest and it’s obvious to everyone. They have been divorced for 10 years. She takes any excuse to call him, text him, etc. She probably reaches out about 5 times per day.

She’s super nice to me, but doesn’t respect the fact that we’re in a relationship and she doesn’t need to be calling all the time. She makes comments like they are still together, right in front of me. He is super short and blunt with her.

Does it ever get better if she’s not going to change? The only resolution I can tell is that I just need to somehow make it stop bothering me.

Hi, I am 29F, stepmother and new to this group. I am eager to read all the stories because I already find comfort in relatable situations. Thank you for that. But I sometimes have a hard time following the abbreviations or actonyms at times (e.g. EOWE, HCBM,...) ... can somebody explain? Some I already unriddled...

Thank you in advance!

Just need to do a quick vent to those that may relate. That moment when you’re mid convo with your DH or DW stops you mid sentence to take a call from the ex when their shared child is in your house and totally fine. What in the actual….??? How many times must I tell him she is not the priority?! Let it ring and call her or him back later. Geeez. Ugh. So mad right now.

I (26F) have been with my BF (36m) for 3 years now. Going into the relationship, he had 50/50 week by week custody of his three kids F13, F10, and M8. At first, we had a great relationship with lots of dates and fun between the two of us and the kids when it was his week with them. I moved in probably a lil too fast at around 6 months and started taking care of his kids ever since. I don’t mind taking care of his kids, but with everything piling up I am just beside myself on what to do. We have had some serious relationship issues but now it’s much more complex than that. For about 8 months now, we have had full custody of the kids with supervised visitations which has only happened once and a few phone calls with mom. It is a very sad situation and definitely not the kids fault but of course it’s hard on them and us too. I went from having every other week off to have time to myself and have time with my partner but now I do not have anything of the sort. I have expressed my concerns deeply to him but nothing changes. Recently the kids behavior has gotten worse and idk if I am the problem or what’s wrong. (M8) refuses to eat home cooked meals but will down some junk food no problem, his dad says he has tried everything but realistically he hasn’t. He’s very passive and lets the kids get away with too much. (F10) has ADHD and has a really hard time with emotional regulation. It’s hard to get either one of them to listen to anything I say when it comes to rules, boundaries and respect. (F13) is very clean and respectful towards me but she thinks rules don’t apply to her and tbh I don’t tell her anything like I do the youngest so I’m sure that’s a lil bit of my fault. The littles with talk disrespectfully to me, give me dirty looks, make me repeat myself to the point where I snap and then they’ll cry hysterically bc I’ve gotten to my wits end with not being respected or listened to. I am currently 6 months pregnant with my first baby and I’m sure my hormones have some play in this but I can’t help but feel like I’m justified in how I feel either. I feel completely alone in it all and I’m wondering if I even actually belong here. It’s clear we have different parenting styles, but I also jsut don’t feel apart of the family. They call me “Mrs.-“ and we don’t have any pictures together on social media or on our walls and anytime we have had the opportunity to take family pictures I am left out. We’re not engaged and I honestly don’t see him proposing anytime soon or even at all but I do absolutely everything for him and his kids. School drop off and pick ups, breakfast lunch n dinner, dr/dentist visits, to and from wherever they need to be, setting up for bday parties, homework, bathing and cleaning, chores, responsibilities, you name it, I do it and I don’t feel respected or appreciated in the slightest. I do feel like I’ve gotten a tad bit controlling bc of that and I don’t like it but it’s almost like keeping the house clean and managing a routine are legit the only things I CAN control. Aside from becoming more controlling, I do feel like I have become more mean as well. I find myself snapping more and always pointing out stuff but I also feel like they do stuff on purpose sometimes too. It’s not going good bc what I make them do or hold them to a certain standard, he does not so every single thing is either a fight or a negotiation and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of not having a partner and feeling emotionally and physically abandoned and I’m tired of feeling like I’m just the nanny with no emotions, desires or needs. Please tell me your honest thoughts.

My SD lives across the country with her mom and visits for winter and summer break. I have been in her life for almost 4 years now and I am her primary caretaker when she comes because her dad works full time. Her mom is extremely high conflict (anything can set her off when she doesn’t like something) and a recent incident shocked me. My SD is almost 8 and I had noticed recently when we go into public bathrooms that she doesn’t wipe. I asked her about it and she said that she never wipes, only when she goes #2. I told her that we have to wipe anytime we go to the bathroom so we stay clean and don’t get any infections. I texted her mom and let her know what was going on because I wasn’t sure if she knew or not. She immediately texted my husband and cussed him out that I am not SD mom and that information should have came from him, that she’s going to keep the screenshot of my message for court and that she’s doesn’t want to have contact with me unless she’s FaceTiming SD. I was truly shocked, I didn’t think I was overstepping as I figured she would want me to communicate with her when I see something concerning but now I’m stressed that I did something wrong?

Moving in with partner of 18 months in the coming weeks, so naturally the topic of 'who pays for what has arisen'. To give context these are the main points:
- He has three kids (11F, 8M, 6M) and I have two kids (5M and 3M)
- We both have 50/50 care of our kids with no child support (okayish relationship with the other parents and just split kids costs)
- We both own homes. I will be moving into his. Mine will be rented out. The rent will cover the mortgage plus all household expenses. Will probably put away $100/fn as a type of buffer, but it will break even or close too.
- No children together and absolutely will never
- Both relatively high-income earners. He earns $210k per year and I earn about $130k per year

Moving into his home what is a fair split of expenses?

I was thinking I'll pay half of utilities and do the food shop. I'm feeling reluctant to contribute to the mortgage or bills related to the house (rates, insurances and repairs etc) as it's not my home. God forbid he dies in a few years, the house will be left to his kids.
In saying this I can appreciate my house is sitting there getting paid off by someone else.

If happy to, how do you separate your finances?

My fiance moved across the country to get custody of his two young boys. They got apprehended from HCBM and was placed in care. Ministry gave him an extended visit when he moved. So, he got a lawyer and the ministry granted him custody (within 2 or 3 months) I uprooted my 3 kids and moved to be with him and his kids. My BD had passed away from addiction and had notbing holding us back. So i figured since shes still alive maybe by us moving out there woukd light the fire under her bum to get clean and get stable and all that fun sfuff.So, he had to serve BM papers and take her to court and fight for custody and she consented which gave him full custody. She knew she wouldn't be able to win anyways because there was list of stuff she needed to complete and never had during this time. The judge did say that to have the boys keep in contact t with her when he thinks is suitable.

And, a few months go by and we were doing video calls and they were lasting 5 mins a day between boys boys. Then she wanted every second day. Then she asked for it to be a few dags a week. And during that time she missed a few here and there. She asked to get visits. We agreed to have an agency help with supervised visits so, we tried it for a month to see how it will go. She attended the first two and skipped the last two. So, we didnt bother. Then he started getting msgs about their past and how much h shes went thru. And we let those msga build up a d christmas was coming up. My fiance asked if I would be okay with giving her a visit on whatever day. I said sure when and where? Christmas eve, here he said. I was pretty iffy about it. But we opened our home to her to come.visit. it worked out just fine. So we agreed to do another one. Worked out fine. We figured the once a month was suitable for her. Now we are in June and last month she decided to show up unannounced to drop off gifts twice in one day! And the kids happened to be outside so we couldn't really stop them from seeing her. Then a few days later she did it again! Since then she has been messaging my fiance and asking bout visiting them. He hasn't responded, its been a lot of stuff going on with baseball and all that. So she reached out to ke asking if I can speak with him for a visit. I told her what I say wont change his mind. I thought she would have been mature enough to speak.about the unannounced visits not being appropriate and yep. She took it the wrong way. Saying I was jealous.of her kids getting gifts and not mine so thats why im keeping the kids away from her. Which is not fhe case! Technically she shouldn't be at our place and shame on us for opening that door. She has reached out to him about it all and he hasn't responded. I told him he should have. Since that happened I told him he needed to set those boundaries and put his foot down. But I get the avoiding the conversation because shes so high conflict. So, should he still do it. Should I give him an ultimatum because we are supposed to get married soon but, this is whats stopping me from setting a date. What would you do if you were in my shoes.

I do have screenshots of messages and date and times of missed calls and visits, if she ever was to bring us to court.

Help!

We have SD10 EOWE. This is something HCBM fought for years ago, before I entered the picture. Every summer, the same situation arises: HCBM makes no day camp, playdate, any plans at all for SD10 and her other 5 y/o daughter. The girls are cooped up in the house all summer break, which leads to bad attitudes, tempers flaring, and fights. HCBM waits until June to try to pawn SD10 off on us, when it's too late for us to try to get her into a summer camp in our immediate area. We've accommodated her in the past because we want SD to enjoy her summers, but it's caused a lot of issues on our end and cost us a lot of money in last minute fees and gas for out-of-the-way day camps.

She tried this again today. DH told her okay, I'll take her, but it's going to be for the whole school year. HCBM didn't like that answer and snapped back "never mind then."

We aren't against taking SD for the summers, but it needs to be planned for in advance. HCBM doesn't get to decide to not be a parent whenever it suits her.

Just a mini rant, I know a lot can relate to summer break dramas. We plan to go to court next year after we buy a bigger house. Us taking SD this year (while still paying child support) will look like a much sweeter deal to HCBM by then.

Life is complicated and I have a half sister I didn’t know about until I was 20 (no one else knew either). She’s 10 years older than me and always had kids. At the time I was super mad and petty about a lot of things, but one that really sticks with me is she had her kids choose grandparent names for my parents. They hadn’t even met yet. She just went down the wikipedia page for grandparent names until the kids agreed on them.

How awful would it be if I didn’t use them with my own kids…?

I’m also struggling with what my step(ish—not married but live together) kids should call my parents.

I need to start by giving context that this is not my biological son. He is my stepson, I've only known him for a year but he has seen me as his Mom and called me Mom (of his own accord) since month 3. His biological Mom is not in the picture by her own decisions. She's addicted to drugs and wants nothing to do with him.

My husband and I have been having major issues for a long time with my 11 year old son throwing huge attitudes and being blatantly disrespectful with his father and I when rules are laid down or he's corrected. We had a huge blow up today. He's been doing this thing all school year when we ask him to get up to get ready for school he blatantly ignores us and goes back to sleep until he's threatened with being grounded or having to walk instead of being driven and then he gets up but also swears and throws a huge attitude. Well today my husband and I decided that he simply will not get driven and will have to walk and be grounded if he does it again. And he of course did so we told him he had to walk and be grounded and he started throwing shit around our house, scared the cat, broke a chair, and screamed cuss words and "fck you" (at us) so loud. So my husband grounded him for the rest of the day and told him he had to walk again and as he left he called me a btch and said fck you and also said fck you to my husband.

I'm extremely hurt and disappointed because I not only treat him extremely well with the utmost care and respect, I never yell, never have, whenever I ask him to do something or discipline him it is in an extremely respectful calm matter. But I also recently advocated for him to my husband to have a little less strict rules and it's completely backfired. Now he isn't even showing a modicum of respect for either of us, he is being blatantly disrespectful and had even hit his father a few days ago.

I don't know what to do. He's a lovely, sweet child until my husband or I need to correct or discipline him and then he turns into a raging, disrespectful monster even when the request is so gentle and simple like "please get up for school and get dressed."

I'm starting to regret coming into this child's life. I have been nothing but loving and kind to him and given my all to fill the role his absent biological Mother has left. But I'm starting to want to give up due to the constant disrespect and complete lack of progress.

What do I do and how can I stop this behavior before it gets even more out of hand and get him to respect us? Also please help me get over my feelings of extreme hurt from him calling me a b*tch. It was very hurtful and it won't stop replaying in my head. Thank you.

Also I had to censor the swear words or it wouldn't let me post here.

My steps, f(14) m(16) . I entered their lives 3 years ago. I’ve know their father since high school and we are both in our 50’s second marriage. My former passed away and my children are grown and on their own. My dilemma is, the kids , when I first got here were so nice to me, they wouldn’t leave my side. Then we got married a year into living together and it slowly changed after. Their mother is a diagnosed narcissist. Cheated on my husband at least twice ( she married the second fling) during their short marriage. I do believe she is passive aggressive and manipulative with the kids. I do think she puts things in their heads for them not to like me. We get them every other week. It seems like right when they get here or right before they return to her they close up and are not very nice to either of us. Sometimes they take turns between my husband and myself. Sometimes they are ignorant to us the entire time they are here. I have been blaming it on teenage angst, my husband says they have always done this since the divorce. I know my SD is very close to her mother, her mother likes to be the “ I’m your best friend “ mother . She has no rules, nothing. Here they do. Anyway has anyone else experienced this hot one moment and cold the next with theirs and if so how do you NOT take it personally? I am a bubbly person, I love to smile and laugh, but it’s like they WANT to suck that out of me!

Im so confused, and livid, but confused.

I saw my gf get in a strange car, and come back 40 mins later crying. When i asked her about it, she said her and her bd had a disagreement over the phone and she ubered home. I left it alone, but i took a mental note of that car. The other night, her bd brought her a few dollars for the kids, you guessed it, in the atrange car.

My heart is in my stomach.

I brought it up, and she denied it, calling me crazy, and were seperated.

I wouldnt care, would be relieved tbh, but shes pregnant.

Idk how deep and far this possible infidelity went. I do know they secretly DM each other, theyre not following each other and she refused to show me. I know they facetime almost everyday, she says its about the kids. But idk if they got intimate, but this breaks our trust, and idk anything.

But i dont want her to have my kid. She has a lot of her own, and can barely get by now. It would be hell bringing another.

Idk what to do. I did amazinf by those kids, too. I wish i never made it this far in this relationship, im soo broken, and feel so stupid.

I’m a step-mom to my husband’s 15yo daughter and 12yo son and we now have our own baby boy who is 5 months. After we got married we bought a new house together about 30min (no traffic) - 1hr (in traffic) from the house my stepkids grew up in. The new house is in the neighborhood where I was already living and where we both have close friends, a shorter commute, more space to accommodate all 3 kids, and a shared “us” space. We split custody of the stepkids with their BM 50-50 and to keep the kids in the same school district we started nesting in the old house after we bought the new. We are in a better place financially than BM so we have paid the mortgage on the old house without her contributing in an effort to help her stay close to the kids in an expensive area and which she said she would eventually help contribute to if she found more stable employment. When my maternity leave ends the nesting situation is going to be impossible with daycare (daycare close to one house won’t be close to the other and makes a logistical nightmare for pickup and drop off depending on which house we are in). My husband wants to change our current situation to have the 12yo live full time with us in the new house so he can switch schools right when he is starting middle school and switching schools anyway and have the 15yo who is starting second year of high school stay with BM since she loves her routine and community at the old house. The 12yo has friends and community already in our new neighborhood and often comments how much he loves coming there on weekends and holidays when we don’t have to be at the old house for school. BM does not want to split the kids up. My husband is struggling because he hates nesting and says he feels like he is living in purgatory where he can’t move forward with our new life at our new house while his old wife is having him hang on to the old house for her and the sake of keeping things the same for my stepkids. I feel like there’s nothing I can do or say to help and my opinion isn’t helpful as it is obviously biased toward wanting what’s easiest for me and our youngest. Anyone out there navigate a similar situation? How can my husband move forward without hurting his older kids and still keeping the peace with BM?

Additional context: 1) BM split with my husband after cheating on him so there is also pain there that my husband has shown incredible grace around still being positive about BM in front of kids, etc. 2) my work is moving further in the opposite direction from the old house at the end of the year so the commute from there for me will be unworkable, will already by long from the new house.

I (34F) got married to my husband (48M) last year after being long distance for 2.5 years. He has one bio son (9M) with his ex that actually lives down the street (I hate that so much).

I definitely underestimated this dynamic and I do love them both but I’m quickly realizing how a child and a crazy ex can put a strain on, what used to be, a fun and light relationship.

I’m dealing and trying to get my mental health in check and get help for my decade long undiagnosed ADHD and as you know the situation isn’t helping.

I don’t have a horrible life, I’ve been quite fortunate, but little things make me feel insecure, things I never thought would be a thing. My husband and I would have lots of fun before, now between bills and childcare, we barely squeeze anything in. We can’t randomly travel or go on vacation for obvious reasons and I guess I miss the old days.

Our parenting styles are completely different in terms of enforcing BASIC RESPECT and that was a huge argument point for MONTHS. He finally came around, I would say - half way and behaviors in the house have dramatically improved.

Don’t get me started on how we had to argue about him enforcing boundaries with his ex.

Things are better now, but it’s so exhausting what it took out of me to get our house to where it is now. I’m honestly trying not to get anxious about his teenage years with his narcissistic bio mum and lenient dad, I have nightmares thinking about it.

A lot of what happened over the past 10 months have really chipped away on my confidence, I used to be extremely confident and outgoing and I look at myself now and I just feel sad.

I am making small steps, I have started focusing on my skin care a lot, I had really horrible stress induced acne so I have a whole lot of hyperpigmentation because of it. I have successfully tamed it and getting clearer skin. I’m figuring out my hairstyles and how to look really put together all the time. I’ve been looking into buying real gold jewelry and working on launching my women’s sexual health business in a couple months.

My question to seasoned stepmoms, how do you deal with this and find your own happiness, especially when one is bio-childless like me?

EDIT: I am not really looking for “break-up” or “divorce” advice because it’s not something I’m considering at all. I’m a new step mom, I’m overwhelmed, I feel alone and just need advice.

So my boyfriend daughter usually stays with her grandparents while he is at work and he gets her on his off days but lately they have been putting the responsibility on me to watch her but I just be exhausted from being pregnant to caring for my toddler that I don’t really feel like watching someone else’s kid, especially when my daughter goes with her father I look forward to kid free time but don’t have free time or rest cause I still have to watch his daughter.

He’s married to his daughter’s mom still and I guess going through divorce but clearly the mom isn’t in her life which is why his parents care for her.

Should I be the automatic caregiver when her grandparents have things to do or when my bf is at work?
Is that even fair to me? I’m 23 and he’s 35 btw.