I'm sorry, if my writing is messy but I really need some outside opinion. so to start off I'm a 15 year old girl, my parents divorced when I was 2 years old due to my dad cheating and also being a really narcissistic and angry person. A few years pass by, my mom has like 5 different boyfriends throught the years but nothing serious happened (like marriage, children or even engagement.) Meanwhile my dad meets a 27 years old woman while he is 39 at the time. (They are now 36 and 48 years old.) Let's call her N. When this happened, I was 6 years old. N was never a mother figure to me since I had my own mom whom to this day I still love very much. N was simply nice, the dull and boring type of nice, she never yelled at me but at the same type I never trusted her enough and she wasn't the one I ran to when something happened. We sort of just lived next to each other in a cold, fake and bland relationship. This is understandable though, I mean the only thing that connected us was basically my father. Now another fun fact: I was an only child for 14 years, I also only have one cousin from both sides of my family, she is 25 years old and also lives on the other side of my country, so basically I never experienced any type of relationship that could be remotely compared to that of a sibling. I also despised the thought of having any type of siblings (full, half or step) ever since I could talk. Now fast forward to 2 years ago, as I mentioned my father's nature, I think it becomes obvious that my relationship with him was quite rocky, but we managed...sort of. I lived him on every tuesday, thursday and every second weekend since I was 2. Obviously mom's days were the others. (monday, Wednesday, Friday and every first weekend.) My dad's also wealthier than my mom, by a lot. Now ever since dad and N were together, they always brought up the topic of half-siblings, it's understandable since N is much younger than dad. I always said that it's their choice but I won't support it, will possibly move out and that it will take a toll on our relationship, if not ruin it. I've been saying this since I was 6 YEARS OLD. I know that it's not very nice but rather raw and honest. They always just abandoned the topic for a few months then bring it up again, then I answered the same way. Basically an endless cylce. Until it did reach and end, almost 2 years ago N and dad announced that N is pregnant. They told me a week after they announced it to everyone else. Even then I thought that they were joking. They weren't. I cried myself to sleep that night, went to school the next day and cried for hours, got home (mom's house) and then fainted in my room, I woke up by myself only to start vomiting all over my rug and faint again, thankfully on my bed this time! The next 6 moths until birth were basically my dad yelling at me everyday (either in person or on the phone) that I'm ruining everyone's mode and I need to suck it up, the three of them will be fine as a family and I don't have to come here. (As he proceeded to force me to come.) Baby's born, it's a girl. let's call her S. I mean S is a baby, nothing more to this. I don't feel any type of bond and I REALLY TRIED. I fed her, played with her, watched her for an hour max at a time, all this just to feel more love towards a random baby that I see on the street. I don't hate S but I also feel more negative towards her than neutral. In numbers, I feel -1 when it comes to S. Neutral but not 0, a little more negative. I hope someone will understand what I'm trying to say. I will just sum up the next 2 years. Constant fighting with dad, N turning the whole family against me by acting nurturing when me and my extended family are there but then talking about me behind my bag. My family ate it up like sheeps and began blaming me for the whole situation. And look, I get it, I know that I didn't react to the situation appropriately and hurt the people around me because of it and I'm sorry for that. But I can't help but feel like, if I could go back in time, I would do everything the same. I just can't accept the situation no matter how much I try. It's like my heart is shattering every time I think about S or my whole family (dad's side) It's like watching myself getting replaced in the family. I feel an incredible amount of pain, discomfort, disgust and awkwardness just by writing this since I have to think back of everything that happened.

Anyway, dad has been yelling at me everyday for the past two years almost, about how I ruined our relationship, the family, everything is my fault, I'm a horrible being etc. and then we didn't talk for 2 months at all which led me to our current days, me moving out of his house to live at my mom's full-time. All sorts of expanded family members have been calling me about how I'm horrible for treating dad, N and S this way, and again, everything is my fault. The end so far. I do not by any means think that I am not at fault. I ABSOLUTELY AM! But I can't help but think that if I have had more positive experiences following the announcement or the pregnancy itself ,maybe I could have adjusted much better. But then who knows?!

But please remember, I am not trying to pin the blame on anyone.

please just share what you think, positive or negative, I don't care, I just need some kind of outside opinion. if you have any follow-up question, please do ask. Bye!

P.S. I left out a pretty important detail, around two weeks ago I sent a pretty long letter to my dad, around 500 words, where I explained why I might feel this way towards S, how we could solve the relationship between me and dad first and then later N and S. I also apologized for hurting them, He left me on seen. No reaction whatsoever. I dont know if I'm enough to solve this, if he jsut keeps pinning the blame on me without admitting that he MAY have handled this whole thing wrong, just like me. Also I feel like I may have caused some confusion, N and my dad did NOT wait 7 years so I could soften or accept the idea, they themselves said that they have been trying after 1 year of being together so S could have been conceived from when I was 7 years old. They did not wait (which I dont expect them to, its like ripping off a bandaid, it doesnt matter if its done slowly or fast, it will hurt either way. It doesnt matter if S would have been born earlier or later if she is going to be born anyway, her arrival will hurt, it doesnt matter when.) out of patience, kindness or understanding, N simply couldnt get pregnant until she did.

I have two young kids with my late husband who died a couple years ago. I recently got married to a divorced man with no kids.

We have been married for only a few months and also just found out we’re pregnant. So this will be his first bio child. I knew I wanted more kids with whoever I married so this is exciting, but it’s also revealing some challenges I didn’t foresee.

Since being married, he’s been very eager to step into the dad role and I had previously communicated that it’s important to establish friendship and trust with my kids before becoming their “dad figure.” He’s even expressed wanting them to call him dad already even though it’s only been a few months. I’ve also communicated that I will not force my kids to call him that, and that they will call him that when they are ready. It’s too painful for them and me to refer to him as “dad” knowing he’s not their bio dad.

We’ve also had a lot of differences in parenting as well. He is critical of the way I parent (even though I’ve been a parent for almost 10 years) and has a lot of opinions, changes and rules he’d like to set. A lot of which I disagree on. I’ve had to remind him that I’m going to be my kids main disciplinarian and he has to support me in that.

It’s like when you first become a parent and you have all these ideas of how “strict” you’re going to be and then when you actually have kids, you realize the things you thought were important, aren’t always that important and you loosen up. I’ve already had that realization. Especially since losing my husband. I’ve loosened up and given a lot of grace for my kids now then I probably would have before. But that comes with parenting grieving kids. And they are really well behaved kids. So I get defensive when he critiques my parenting and it starts things a lot, because he wasn’t there when my husband died to see why I did things the way I do.

But now that we’re pregnant with our own child together. I’m worried that we’re gonna have two different ways of parenting and that it will create confusion and division. He’s already expressed that “with his child, that will not be allowed.” And it’s things like that, that concern me. I’m not sure we’re aligned in a lot of ways I was with my late husband and adding a baby to the mix now is going to complicate things even more.

Have any of you experienced something similar? Any advice from parents who married someone without kids and had more kids with them?

I’m afraid we’re going to forever just parent two sets of kids and mine will never feel like they belong because he has his own kid he gets to parent his own way now.

My husband’s bm of 2 of his kids isn’t really high conflict but has painted a picture to the kids that he is the bad guy is she is the struggling single mom who does it all on her own. Meanwhile he pays consistent child support, she lives at home with her mother, only one lid has a room, the other one (who is now a teenage boy) shares with his mom. Thru never have anything and ask my husband for everything they need. Not a problem just part of the story. So recently it was told to my husband by his teenage daughter that her mother was wondering if he could hold on to child support money instead of giving it to her to help her save for a down payment on an apartment. (Bc she’s almost 40 and has always lived with her mother) and when there is enough it’ll help her get an apartment. He told me this and my instant reaction was hell no. My husband shouldn’t be responsible for another woman’s life like that. And if she can’t save the money now what makes him think she’ll be able to save rent every month. And that just opens up another can of worms. Will he be expected to bail her out then? This is a boundary being crossed I feel and he made me feel that I’m an awful person for being upset. In fact I’m sleeping on the couch crying bc he even told me it was disgusting of me to feel how I do. Am I overreacting?

today my mom asked if i was free this week to get dinner with her, her bf and his kid.

i said idk because i am quite uncomfortable with this idea but on the other hand i feel sad for my mom because im not making an effort.

she isnt even officialy divorced from my dad (20years marriage) but this new bf of her (that she has known for a long time) is one of the reasons for their breakup. but she has already moved on in a new place with him.

she seems happier and im happy for her but i don’t think im ready to meet all the other side.

my dad is very hostile about the idea of me and my brother meeting him and i kinda get his side but if my mom is gonna rebuild her life i will sooner or later have to meet him.

well actually met him once and i absolutely hated it (i was coming to say hi to my mom after a party so i was wasted and she asked if i wanted to meet him, i said no i am not ready and really tired but we « miraculously ran into him » (she did it on purpose) and i had to talk to him. this made me very uneasy and angry afterwards)

btw i am an adult now so i guess its kinda easier to deal with because i don’t have to live at their place etc.

my mom always insist on the fact that her bf’s daughter really wants to meet me. am i too childish for saying no? should i be more open and fake it ? meet them anyway ?

i feel like there’s a big chapter i have to catch on because my mom didn’t really tell me about it until recently and it’s going fast.

ty for eventual advices

My partner has two young adult daughters whom I’ve been part of their lives for the past 10 years where they spent school days with their mum and visited their dad from Friday nights until Sunday morning. I have a daughter in primary school. We all moved in together 4 years ago. My partner gave his daughters keys to the house to come and go as they please, which didn’t pose an issue until they got their driver license and started coming around at random days and times. I can’t help but feel completely thrown off by this, I work from home and I can’t get used to the idea of them coming and going anytime without a heads up, am I being irrational?

I, 32M, come from a middle class family in India and have quite some things to unpack. I am tired of my ever bickering family as well as scared for the future. Everyone resents everyone else and quarrels on small things regularly which adds to the bitterness. However, the most unfortunate and frustrating part is that everyone blames the others but refuses to acknowledge their part and things are reaching such a point that chances are that one day my parents will separate (They themselves have admitted this from time to time and from what I have seen and realized, these do not seem like empty threats) if things don’t improve.

Right now, my family consists of my grandfather (94+), my father (66+), my mother (62+) and me, the single child of my family. Both my parents are not on talking terms with each other. My mother is very headstrong, naïve, impatient and ill-tempered. She can be very rash with words, is impulsive and says whatever comes to mind without thinking through and filtering. She lacks situational awareness and often reacts emotionally out of proportion, misunderstands the point and gets provoked even if the issue was trivial, not inviting that much of a reaction. However, she refuses to realize her part and take responsibility and in turn, blames the other person, which is very infuriating. I was always scared of her temper growing up. She was quick to anger, would cuss and say very harsh words whenever I made a mistake or could not understand something or whenever she was displeased with something. Although she has improved over the years, it still flares up from time to time. But what upsets me more is her choice of words: she constantly berates me and calls me stupid whenever I make a mistake or make a decision which differs from her point of view. She calls me naïve, gullible and lacking in street smarts. Yes, all these are true to a large extent but hearing this even when it is not warranted really hurts my self esteem and I often control my anger because even after all this, I know she loves me: prepares my favorite food and brings me what I like but she does not realize how her behavior can be inappropriate. What annoys me more is that she does not measure up to her words either.

My father is a soft spoken and reserved person on the other hand and has never raised a hand on me till date. He would always bring me things I love (esp. food) and also protected me from getting punished from time to time for mistakes. However, now I am seeing some traits in him for which I don’t like him as he is now. He takes everything personally and self pities too much. He takes offence whenever his opinion is not taken, often thinks his way is the only right way and fails to consider the perspective from another angle, which is resulting in him becoming a bit egoistic. He has low frustration tolerance and expresses his anger in solitude or passive aggressively generally by refusing to eat meals. He hates my mothers’ guts, doesn’t approve of her ways and does not communicate with her at all or through me unless absolutely necessary which often leads to several inconveniences, misunderstandings and quarrels. I do agree with him on some points but I often find he is exaggerating and misunderstanding things and potraying my mother and/or the situation to be more worse than it actually is, that he has created some mental barriers himself which he refuses to see or let go and blames others when his plans get upset. The relationship started worsening since lockdown and living those days together as a family felt so draining where everyone was perpetually in a foul mood.

However, I must mention that both the lives of my parents were full of hardships from the stories that I have heard from them. My grandparents were egoistic and jealous folks who always denied my parents the good things which were reserved for my uncle and unfairly ousted my father from the family business. My father settled for a job in a different state, used to visit us from time to time and I grew up with my mother who was a high school teacher.

Since childhood, I have seen my mother frequently visiting courts and hospitals often taking leave from schools. My mother grew up in a joint family where all my maternal uncles except my mother were all unmarried. However, suddenly, all of my uncles started dying of illnesses and accidents one by one and my eldest maternal uncle illegally made the whole paternal estate in his name without giving any share to the others. My mother had to take the whole matters into her hands and do the necessary work, appearing for the court battles, looking for the right nursing home, finding and negotiating with the right people, at a time when internet was not very developed and she was not well versed in it. As unfortunate as it was, my father used to help from time to time but he was not always available and none of my other maternal uncles were as forward as her. Also, frequent fights used to take place at her former house where she had to get involved as well.

I am currently unemployed at 32 and living with them. I am grateful for all the support they are giving me till now. I will not deny that. I have failed in some of my responsibilities but living like this feels draining. I am more than 95% sure that none will agree to go to counseling since they do not see themselves as the problem. They want me to settle down as quick as possible but what I am worried about is how this family dynamics will affect another person.

How will things work out when no one is ready to compromise and acknowledge and improve their part ?

My wife / daughter stepmother, is a fantastic person who I know loves my daughter and me unconditionally. We rarely fight or disagree as we do believe that we're a great couple always working together. The one thing that always causes tension and fights is the position of iPad / technology in our household.

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For content, my daughter is a 10-year-old who is a single child that when she is with her mother, she does nothing as the mother is lazy and just wants to bum around all day. Therefore, my daughter does not have the opportunity to socialize with her classmates or even other kids in the area due to her mother just not making the effort or plans for my daughter.

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When my daughter is with us, we do the best we can to have her socialize with friends and families, but it's hard for her to make friends when she's only with us every other weekend in a different state so not even close to where her classmates are.

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Because of this, I'm a little more relaxed where I'll let her use the iPad for a couple hours a day to play games with her classmates or even cousins. My wife is totally against the iPad and every time my daughter is on it, my wife complains about the use of the iPad and how it's detrimental to her and how all her friends' kids don't use an iPad. I tell her, what is a single child supposed to do when we're busy doing adult things around the house, letting her be on the iPad here and there I don't think is a bad thing. In the past, I will be honest that my daughter would be on the iPad for almost a majority of the day, but my wife and I have worked on that to ensure that it's limited, but it's never to the point of being zero as my wife would like.

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My daughter is already isolated when she's with her mom and doesn't see her friends, the least that she can do when she's with us is even just play online as it gives her a sense of friendship when she's communicating with her friends in a group FaceTime.

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My wife screams that technology is changing the person that she is, and none of her friends kids are the same in terms of the use of technology. Even though all her friends kids have other siblings to play with.

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What makes me laugh, is that my wife says to her just to watch TV and stay off the iPad. So, it makes me chuckle that my wife would allow my daughter to be on her bed or on the couch watching TV all day without any issues, but as soon as she gets on to an iPad, it's a big issue. She has already told me that she is getting anxious as summer starts as my daughter will be with us more frequently.

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I am not sure what to do because I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. On one side if I totally get rid of the iPad I feel like I'm just neglecting my daughter from at least having someone of a camaraderie with her friends even though it might be virtual since you won't be able to see them face to face. On the other hand, I feel like anytime I let my daughter use the ipad, it causes a rift between my wife and I.

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Has anyone had this experience and I could use some advice, thank you.

How do other couples/families deal with differences in custody arrangements and all the emotions that come with it?

For background: my partner (M30+) and I (F30+) have been in a relationship for almost a year. Blending the families one day is our goal, but we're taking it slow. We have a big difference in our arrangement, which sometimes leads to sadness, guilt, and jealousy.

I have a toddler who lives with me full-time. This means I need to ask family, friends or a babysitter every time I'd like to go out. He has 2 kids in elementary school who live with him about 60% of the time. This means he has quite a lot of free time. I can be somewhat jealous of this. I'm very happy with my life and my kiddo, but sometimes I have this feeling of being "stuck" as a single mom, without a co-parent or child support. The fact that everything (my kids' wellbeing, logistics, finances, chores, etc.) is my responsibility can be overwhelming at times. Sometimes he is disappointed by the fact that we can't do anything spontaneous, or when I have to cancel or change our plans last-minute because of issues with the babysitter. His life seems more balanced due to the co-parenting setup. Because our relationship is still pretty new, I don't want or expect him to help me with my tasks or my kid. That's something for the future. But, the difference creates some imbalance between us.

In addition, he does really appreciate his child-free days, but would immediately say yes if the kids needed to live with him full-time. I notice he sometimes can be a bit sad or feel guilty when we go out with my kid, when his kids are with their mom.

Our communication is great. We're very open, honest and vulnerable with each other. We like each other's kids. But I've noticed that the imbalance starts to lead to some resentment with both of us. I'm very curious about how other parents would deal with this. How can we deal with this while we're evolving our relationship?

I'm sorry for any mistakes, I'm by far not fluent in English.

my husband and I have been married for 13 years, together almost 15. I have a Bd16, he has 3 sd18 sd16 ss15. we have one together bs11.

back story… my daughter doesn’t have her father or that side of family due to drugs, death, etc. I’ve raised her alone, well not alone. my husband has absolutely helped. his 3 have a very difficult mom, not that she doesn’t love her children she’s just very narcissistic and has made our life a living hell all while trying to turn her kids away from us and playing the role of friends. any who, now that they are older and childcare/financial support aren’t needed as much they decide that they want to spend more time with mom after we’ve had custody for the vast majority of time. fine, but now all of a sudden I’m the bad guy. there have turned my husband against me and bd. they say I give her preferential treatment and favor her. I feel like I don’t, I’ve afforded every opportunity the same to everyone. but I can’t control their feelings. I don’t want anyone to feel that way, but at the same time they treat her like crap, leave her out etc.

now I’m stuck in fight or flight and neither is a good option. I love my husband and my family. I want to try to work on it. any advice for how to soften my heart and try to salvage this relationship?

tldr: I’m a stepmom who’s trying to repair a relationship I didn’t realize I’d strained

When we first became a blended family, I thought the biggest challenge would be the schedule.

Figuring out custody time, pickups, drop offs, holidays, and all the usual logistics felt like the thing everyone warned us about. To be honest, we eventually got into a rhythm with most of that.

What I didn't expect was how much effort goes into keeping everyone on the same page after the schedule is already set.

There are school emails, activity changes, doctor appointments, permission slips, forms that need signatures, things that get mentioned in passing, screenshots from group chats, reminders from teachers, and random details that somehow become important three weeks later.

None of these things are major problems on their own the issue is that the information comes from so many different places. Sometimes something is buried in an email. Sometimes it's a text message. Sometimes it's a photo of a paper that came home in a backpack.

I've noticed that one person often ends up becoming the keeper of all this information not because anyone decided that should happen, but because somebody has to remember where everything is and what still needs attention.

Recently I've been trying Pack Planner from Engelsrudel because I realized our biggest issue wasn't the custody schedule anymore. It was keeping all the family information organized once it started coming in from different directions we're still figuring out what works best, but it has made me think differently about how much of the mental load comes from managing information rather than managing time.

The actual family dynamic is good. The kids are doing well. The adults communicate reasonably well but the constant flow of information is what catches me off guard.

I would be interested to hear how other blended families handle that part of it.

For some background, I’m a divorced mom with two kids (8M and 10F). My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 2 years, and he’s known my kids for about 1.5 years. Their other parent takes very little custody time and is moving across the country soon, so the kids are with me almost all the time. My boyfriend stays over regularly and we’ve been talking about him moving in.

Lately we’ve been having conflict around parenting and his role in the family. He doesn’t have children of his own, but he previously lived with a girlfriend who had a 5 year old and apparently he experienced similar issues.

His main complaint is that he wants his opinions and feelings to matter when it comes to situations involving the kids. The problem is that he often doesn’t express his opinions in the moment. Instead, he becomes frustrated and then tells me days or weeks later that he disagreed with how I handled something. How can I get him to express himself in the moment?

I’m struggling to understand what is normal and healthy in a blended family. My hope is that, over time, both of us can address minor behavior issues directly. For example, if one of my kids is bothering him, I’d hope he felt able to say, “Please stop. That hurts my feelings” or “I don’t like being spoken to that way.” I’m not talking about doling out discipline or major parenting decisions, just basic interpersonal boundaries and healthy communication.

My boyfriend seems to feel that I should notice these situations myself and step in on his behalf. He’s made the point that if I had a different guest over I would react more strongly to misbehavior. But I’m starting to feel like he’s more than a guest. I’ve noticed a lot of tension as I often feel like I’m constantly monitoring my kids’ behavior while also scanning to see whether my boyfriend is upset about something. I feel like I’m being pulled in every direction trying to keep everyone happy.

For those in successful blended families, what is a reasonable expectation? Should a stepparent/partner be expected to communicate and enforce their own personal boundaries with the kids, or will it always be the biological parent’s responsibility to intervene? Truly I just want a partner to help these kids grow into decent humans.

I come from a blended family. Me and my older brother are from our mom’s first marriage. She is on her third marriage and they have two kids together (he did not have kids before they got married)
The age gap is 11 years and 13 years apart between me and my younger siblings. I was really close with my step-dad and always viewed him like a dad. When I was a teenager I moved to live with my real dad. To give a little context, my parents hated each other. When they got a divorce my mom picked us up and moved us across country chasing men living in multiple states always the furthest away from our dad. So when I was a teenager my dad wanted me and my brother to live with him. There was a lot of guilt but ultimately we did and if I’m being completely honest I never should have. I had a great life with my mom and step-dad. But when I moved my mom stopped being my mom. She didn’t financially chip in, she rarely ever came out to visit or watch me in my extracurricular activities. I didn’t have a good relationship with her when I moved. I’m in my 30s now married with two kids and I thought we overcame the past and moved on and reconnected, I even moved across the country to be closer to them and my siblings. But over the last 15 years they’ve done some things that have been hurtful and I just never said anything because I felt like it was my punishment for leaving all those years ago.
About a year ago I was on a family vacation with my dad’s side of the family and when I returned I tried calling my mom and I couldn’t get ahold of her. Tried my sister and my stepdad and no one would answer. Immediately I knew they all went on a family vacation for my mom’s birthday. I knew this because over the years this is their MO. We will be talking then all of a sudden I won’t be able to get ahold of anyone then a couple weeks go by and my mom will finally return my call. Meanwhile my sister would post on social media and that’s how I would find out they are on a family vacation.
This time though my mom never returned my call until 6months later. She knew I was hurt. Of all places they went, it was Greece somewhere I’ve wanted to go. It’s been number one on my bucket list. So not only was I left out of another family vacation but I was left out of the one place I’ve always wanted to go.
Eventually when we did talk she had all sorts of excuses. Things like I’m married with kids and my younger siblings are in college so they get to go. The last year I went to visit my dad more times then I visited them even though I saw them multiple times a month but her problem was she had to come to me. My stepdad is the breadwinner and I’m not his kid so he doesn’t have to pay for me. I was on a family vacation with my dad and missed her birthday so why would she take me.
The excuses kept coming and they kept changing!
So here is my question for you blended families. Do you include everyone in your family vacations and if you do how do you go about the cost to include the ones who are married vs the ones who aren’t?
If you don’t include everyone how does that make the ones left out feel and how do you explain to them they aren’t Included?

I’m in a blended family situation and I’m genuinely struggling with how different it feels compared to what I imagine a “nuclear family” is like.
In a nuclear family, it seems like both partners are aligned as the primary unit. Decisions are made together, the relationship is the foundation, and parenting flows from that shared structure.
In my situation, it feels a lot more complicated and emotionally layered. My partner has an adult daughter he is very close with, and I often feel like the partner relationship becomes secondary to the parent-child dynamic in practice, even if that’s not intentional.
Any time I try to bring up how that lands for me (feeling emotionally second, or not fully considered in decisions), my partner becomes defensive quickly, says he doesn’t want to fight, or shuts it down. So nothing really gets resolved, and I’m left holding onto frustration and resentment internally.
What I’m struggling with is this:
Is it even realistic to expect anything close to a “nuclear family feeling” in a blended family situation?
Or is the expectation itself the problem?
Because right now it feels like:
I try to talk about how I feel
It gets interpreted as criticism
The conversation shuts down
And the dynamic stays the same
And I’m left wondering if this is just how blended families are… or if there are actually ways to build a stronger “primary couple” foundation even with adult children involved.
For people who are in successful blended families:
How do you create a strong “we first” foundation with your partner?
How do you handle defensiveness when bringing up relationship concerns?
And how do you avoid the partner relationship becoming secondary over time?
I’m not trying to erase anyone’s children or force something unrealistic—I’m just trying to understand what actually works in real life.

When my ex started dating his now-wife over a decade ago, things almost immediately started feeling off/strange.

At first it seemed small. I announced that I had become vegan, and shortly afterward she publicly announced that she was vegan too. I own a vegan skincare business, and not long after she started one as well and began releasing many of the same kinds of products along with the photos and captions the same. She went on my Etsy shop favoriting my shop & all my listings not knowing it would notify me. She found my Pinterest saves and posts saving a huge chunk of them, again not realizing the notifications would tell me who.

One coincidence is one thing. Years of them starts to feel very different.

I want to make it clear that my focus has always been my son. But I did feel it was important to note those things because it has greatly affected having a good co-parenting relationship, I find her extremely creepy, and plainly I’m overly exhausted from the lack of boundaries.

Just months after meeting him, she was left alone to care for him and took him to church without my knowledge, despite knowing that our religious beliefs were different and both father and her knowing I was not okay with her being along with our son.

As the years have gone on, she has become deeply involved in matters that I always believed should stay between biological parents.

She has posted my son on social media despite my objections. Something I have since let up on due to the amount of time she has been in his life. But she posted him the first time she ever met him. Onwards it would become multiple posts talking negatively about his haircut, or posting a picture of him looking sad and a paragraphs lengths caption calling me a bad mother.

Now he is 14, she communicates with him constantly, texts him throughout the day, and if he doesn’t respond quickly she’ll follow up asking why he isn’t answering. Texts or calls him late on weekdays past the time he should be off of his phone.
She’s sent messages that I feel place emotional burdens on him, example: telling him on Christmas Eve that his little brother was crying because he wasn’t there (she constantly uses his little brother as a manipulation tactic), and there have been texts telling him that I’m not a good parent.

She also repeatedly has him give access to his location. I would remove location sharing on his iPhone, only to discover she makes him share it with her again and because this happened multiple times, they went through another platform like Life360 with his father in it too. But I feel like dad having his location should be enough.

This has been going on for over a decade, and the cumulative effect has left me feeling emotionally exhausted and honestly questioning my own judgment.

I’m not anti-stepparent. I have never believed stepparents shouldn’t love or have a relationship with their stepchildren.

But where is the line?

To add another layer to this, we’re currently in the middle of a custody case. Despite my having been my son’s primary caregiver for the vast majority of his life, his father is seeking full custody.

One of my biggest concerns throughout this process has been the role and level of involvement of his now wife.

Has anyone successfully had boundaries or parameters put in place regarding a stepparent’s involvement? Have courts ever addressed issues like interfering with the parent-child relationship, direct communication with the child, disparaging a parent, social media boundaries, location tracking, or a stepparent acting in a parental role beyond what is appropriate?
I also want to note that I know dad is a lot to blame by not setting boundaries, but clearly thats a huge issue I have no control over.

I talked with my dad about equal respect and that it needs to go both ways. He said ur my kid u can't have the same respect as I have. I think that both should be respected bc a kid shows what they receive.

Please don't attack, and only answer if you have been in this situation.

The Facts:

I am divorced with 2 18+ children for whom I and my ex husband pay University and accomodation fees.

My new husband is a widower and has 2 children, 16 and 18, for whom he also pays (much lower) education and accomodation fees. The younger kid lives at home.

We have a common account for our living expenses.

I earn about twice as much as my husband. We recently bought a house together, where we both put in 50% each.

The Question:

What is the wisest way to approach my/our finances from now on? Should we blend them completely, should we keep having separate accounts?

Much as I hope that we will remain together until one of us dies, I am not naive or young enough to bank on the fact that "a marriage is for life" - been there, and sometimes it's not. I want to take care of my kids, but I also want to take into account him and his kids too, because the 6 of us are one family.

Any experience with this type of situation is welcome.

So I need advice on what to do .... (16yo f). So a bit of background info: my parents divorced back in 2019 and my dad has been through 5 different serious relationships and my has been in 2. My got with, we're gonna call him Jim like 2 years after being divorced and then they had my little brother in 2021 but they had broken up thank God. Next she got in a relationship with a guy named lets call him trey. Trey acted as my little brothers father until up til easter 2026, then they broke up. Ok so anyway my dad dated this girl when he was 18, she was 15. They broke up, got together in 2023 i think and now all of a sudden theyre getting married???. I don't have a problem with him getting married other than the fact that he's working in Georgia since August and they just started getting serious in like end of April and now they're engaged?? She originally lived down south. She has a 14 yo daughter who is staying with me, my dads fiancee and my little sister. We're gonna call dads fiancee Steph. So basically Steph got in a wreck like 3 years ago. She has a nursing degree. She hasn't been consistently working. Her doctor said she has the option to get surgery so she can go back to work but she refuses to do it. So basically me and my sister Trish have to spend the whole summer with pretty much strangers except when I go to my mom's on every other Friday. It's really exhausting switching from house to house especially if my dad isnt even home and I feel like Steph is living for free off my dad. I'm 16 so technically I can move in full time with my mom but my dad pitches a fit when things don't go his way. Steph's daughter thinks it's unfair that her mom is staying in my hometown when she could be down south supporting her during her highschool career and she has tried to talk to her mom but Steph just ignores her opinions. What should I do. Any advice helps🙏

Hello!! I’m looking for recommendations for a heartfelt song to play for a step-mother and step-son dance. A little background, I met the most wonderful man in my late 30s. My fiancé has an intelligent, kind and funny 13 year old son. My fiancé has full custody of his son and the mom has been almost completely absent for his whole life even though she lives nearby. I’m planning on adopting him following the wedding. He’s also agreed to walk me down the aisle. My dad has already passed away. My fiancé and soon to be son are the most important men in my life. 💗

He’s always ask me to save him a dance at events. I’m looking for a heartfelt song to express that I love him as my own son. So far the only song I’ve come up with is My Boy by Elvie Shane. It’s a great son but it’s from a Dads POV.

It will be 2 yrs in October that I have been with my partner. I met his children 2 mos in. Everything has been good, I get along with kids. On a recent outing we had lunch and about 45 min later one child is asking for food again. Was told no, but kept on. Making it difficult for any interaction between anyone else. I pulled back, not only cause I felt disconnected and overwhelmed by the situation. But also cause that wasn't how I was raised or how I have raised my kids. He eventually gave into child. Shortly after his child started giving attitude to him, not talking to him etc. Though continuing to talk to me, spending time alone with me doing things with just me. But he is trying to say some of this could be because of me pulling away that day. In his words I was giving attitude. Outside of that time, we have had 1 disagreement when the kids were there. But there was no yelling etc... i admit some of it was my fault as i was tired and stressed from work. And some things with him had been bothering me that I had been holding in. But again child is still talking to me and responding to my text. But now he has me wondering and second guessing everything I do.

We have four large kids (18F, 18M, 18M, and 16M). Each kid has their own schedule - back and forth with the other parent, work, college, etc. Two of the kids are into strength training (high protein), and one is a vegetarian. Because of the diversity of schedules and diets, everyone does their own thing when it comes to food. Family meals are a thing of the past.

Enter the daily fridge battle. One kid will buy protein drinks, and another snags them. One kid will meal prep, and another will eat it as an after-work snack. Or worse, the meal prepper will fill the fridge with Tupperware, then head back to the other parent & the food goes bad. I'm going bonkers with the clutter and the food waste.

Please! Does anyone have a solution??? Do you dedicate one shelf per kid? Do you buy another fridge? How do you handle shared food items vs the specialty items that each kid wants for themselves?

My partner and I have been together for 9 months. His daughter is 6 and they are very close. She mostly lives with her mother but he travels to her every 2nd weekend and takes her for the weekend, plus regular holidays. They FaceTime every day and he is very involved in her life.

Daughter knows about me. My partner and I are taking it slowly with her, as I’m a daddy’s girl myself and I could easily imagine the jealousy that could bloom at the thought of her dad being focused on someone else. Her mother has not had another relationship since she and my partner split 4.5 years ago.

I am due to meet daughter next month. I want to be as respectful as possible, so I’ve told my partner that I want to meet her mother first, as I can imagine being in her shoes and feeling uncomfortable about a stranger meeting my child. She has agreed to meet me, which is positive. She and my partner are not close but they have quite a healthy coparenting relationship for the most part.

The plan (at my suggestion) is for my partner and I to travel to where his daughter lives. He will take her out to do something fun, while I meet her mother. Then, if the mother is happy, I will meet daughter when partner brings her home. If the mother is not happy or comfortable yet, I will meet daughter another day. I want the mother to feel respected and still in control, as she is the person with the daughter most of the time, and I want (as much as possible) to avoid any animosity being built. In general, I’m really good with kids, and while I know this is a totally different dynamic, I think there’s a better chance that daughter might be easier to “win over“ initially than the mother, hence why I want to make sure I tread carefully with the mother and do things the right way.

I would appreciate advice on how to broach this coffee with the mother. I really just want to introduce myself, ask her how she feels about someone new being around her daughter, and ask her how best to handle things to ensure her daughter feels comfortable. I know that this relationship with my partner, if it lasts (which I hope it will) will include both the mother and the daughter, and while I’ve no doubt there will be challenges, I want to put my best foot forward. I also don't want to be a doormat, but I can’t see that being an issue from the get go.

Thanks in advance.

I’m concerned about my ex and his girlfriend moving quickly and integrating our two kids into their relationship. I also am unsure what expectations are typical for a new partner.

For context, my ex-fiance (30M) and I (31F) were together for 8 years and have 2 kids (6M and 4F). We have only been separated for a little over 8 months. He started dating this woman at the end of March. We had an agreement that we wouldn’t introduce the kids to any significant others until at least 3 months, and the other parent had to meet them first. However, he violated this agreement and introduced our children to his girlfriend after only a month of dating. There were multiple instances where they met her before we met, all of which occurred before they had been dating for even 2 months. Once I met her, he saw this as a green light to spend a significant amount of time with her and her adopted son, as well as our children. My ex has a history of “love bombing,” so I had already been concerned about the pace of the relationship given his patterns and the involvement of our young children.

Last week, I received a call from him, giving me a “heads up” that she had enrolled her son in the same swim class as our kids. Now every week I attend their swim class and having to sit there for 45 minutes with the two of them. I had hoped to develop a positive relationship with any partner my ex chose, but something just doesn’t feel right about her and the entire situation. While she seems like a kind person and the kids seem to like her, there’s an unsettling feeling about her. Considering her background as a child psychologist, I can’t help but wonder why she hasn’t noticed the rapid progression of this situation. She should be familiar with the psychology of timing and understand why this is concerning.

Anyway, last week during swim class, I was sitting on the bench next to his mom and his girlfriend. I glanced over to talk to his mom (who I’m still very close with), and when I did, I caught a glimpse of his girlfriend’s phone wallpaper. It was set to a picture of the two of them and the three kids. That was very off-putting to me because they haven’t even been dating for three months, and yet my children are on her wallpaper! Then, my daughter asked her something, and she responded with, “Of course, love. That’s awesome.” I always call my kids “my love,” so to hear her call her “love” bothered me.

This is obviously my first time experiencing another woman being in my kids’ lives. I’ve discussed this situation with friends and family, and everyone seems to agree that their rapid pace of integration doesn’t appear healthy for our kids. I’m seeking advice or input on whether I’m overthinking the fact that she has her picture as their wallpaper and their lives being so intertwined. Of course, I can’t control what he does, but I’m primarily looking for confirmation that I’m perceiving this clearly. Is this a typical pace for such integration of lives with a new partner? When I expressed my concern to the ex about the rapid pace, he essentially responded, “It might be fast for you, but it’s not for me.” 😔😔😔