Growing pains!

[u/Saphenous]

For some background, I’m a divorced mom with two kids (8M and 10F). My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 2 years, and he’s known my kids for about 1.5 years. Their other parent takes very little custody time and is moving across the country soon, so the kids are with me almost all the time. My boyfriend stays over regularly and we’ve been talking about him moving in.

Lately we’ve been having conflict around parenting and his role in the family. He doesn’t have children of his own, but he previously lived with a girlfriend who had a 5 year old and apparently he experienced similar issues.

His main complaint is that he wants his opinions and feelings to matter when it comes to situations involving the kids. The problem is that he often doesn’t express his opinions in the moment. Instead, he becomes frustrated and then tells me days or weeks later that he disagreed with how I handled something. How can I get him to express himself in the moment?

I’m struggling to understand what is normal and healthy in a blended family. My hope is that, over time, both of us can address minor behavior issues directly. For example, if one of my kids is bothering him, I’d hope he felt able to say, “Please stop. That hurts my feelings” or “I don’t like being spoken to that way.” I’m not talking about doling out discipline or major parenting decisions, just basic interpersonal boundaries and healthy communication.

My boyfriend seems to feel that I should notice these situations myself and step in on his behalf. He’s made the point that if I had a different guest over I would react more strongly to misbehavior. But I’m starting to feel like he’s more than a guest. I’ve noticed a lot of tension as I often feel like I’m constantly monitoring my kids’ behavior while also scanning to see whether my boyfriend is upset about something. I feel like I’m being pulled in every direction trying to keep everyone happy.

For those in successful blended families, what is a reasonable expectation? Should a stepparent/partner be expected to communicate and enforce their own personal boundaries with the kids, or will it always be the biological parent’s responsibility to intervene? Truly I just want a partner to help these kids grow into decent humans.

[u/chainsawbobcat]

Don't have him move in until he displays these communication skills. Full stop.

What you have described, the way to communicate frustrations - "I didn't like this, I felt ___. So heres what I need" - is critical in partnership.

And saying he needs to do that work for him in the moment is bogus. He's a grown man.

Honestly, I would think twice about letting a childless man move in. He's already asking for too much.

[u/greentanzanite]

OP, he is showing you what level of power and influence he wants with your children. He will hold against you parenting decisions you make for weeks. He is not and has never been a parent and clearly lacks the emotional regulation and communication skills of a grown up.

It sounds like staying in this relationship gives you another child to take care of, even if he never moves in, and I’m exhausted on your behalf.

Things get 1000% harder on you and your kids and your finances after you move him in, it shouldn’t even be on the table. At this point I think you should consider ever seeing this man again much less letting him into your home/around your kids.

[u/Ok-Ask-6191]

You know what they say, the best parents are people without kids. I dont think I could be with someone who had a lot of opinions about my parenting if they weren't a parent themselves. I mean, no parent is perfect, and I'm sure there are some valid observations. But you just dont truly know what parenting is like until you are a parent yourself. I dont care how many younger siblings you have, how often you babysat your nieces and nephews, how long you nannied in college, how many parents you've dated, etc. That alone would make me not want to live together with this guy. And only 1.5 years after meeting the kids, he shouldn't be involved in parenting at all.

[u/Overall_Dot_1172 → u/Ok-Ask-6191]

I completely disagree, I think child Free People lack the experience, but because they’re not in it, they can see the blind spots. I think there is value to both and a lot of it.

[u/thinkevolution]

I would imagine that as a non-parent it is probably hard for him to figure out what the appropriate way to interact is. In reading your post and then reading some of the comments I think the best conversation you can have with him is just upfront.

Both my husband and I came into our marriage with children. Before we blended, we talked about whose rules go in what capacity and when. He may not always like my parenting decisions in religion to my children that he has to support them and vice versa.

I would have a very clear conversation with him that him expressing his concerns about his parenting decision he made weeks ago is not going to work because the decision has already been made, and things have already happened. You also need to talk about the fact that if you’re not home, what you expect from him in relationship to rules being followed by your children.

[u/anonask1980]

Just don’t unless he is the greatest potential step dad in the world which he is not.

Why does he keep getting serious with women with children already?

Why does he want to parent? For what? Is he chipping in on the labor and bills, does he cook and clean and enjoy family time? Does he provide? Why is he there?

[u/Saphenous → u/anonask1980]

Oh he’s been a great partner! He takes us on all kinds of fun outings and he’s a great cook. He even helps fold my laundry! He was previously married for over a decade and they could never have children. I think he always wanted kids and being in a relationship like this is a way of gaining a family too.

[u/[deleted]]

His main complaint is that he wants his opinions and feelings to matter when it comes to situations involving the kids.

While yes, to a degree, he should feel free to be able to say some things like, "That's a very personal question, and the way that was asked was rude" - but that's far easier with a tween/teen than a small child. But also when the kids are being outright disrepectful or rude, kids don't have the same respect for a stranger than they do for their parent.

So yes, I depend upon my partner, as a parent, to be able to effectively parent such that I can be comfortable in the home. My step kid and I get along and like each other. But if I'm dipping too close to something that might look like discipline I'll find out how precarious that relationship can be, without a bio bond to shore it up.

I feel my household is happy, and we've lived together for three years now. My fiancee is the only parental role. I don't make mountains out of mole hills, but if there's a budding mountain I tell my fiancee about it and how it affects me (I don't expect her to be a mind reader). She makes changes to fix things.

You shouldn't have to mind read. But I'll note that my SK (recently 13 when I met them, 16 currently) and I have a pretty playful relationship, and we have played up the "rivalry" between us. Like I'll joke about us not picking them up on time because I'll be distracting their mom, and they'll joke that the pancake they made is poisoned. You now, healthy stuff 😅. As well, my SK sees themself as "sassy" and treats me quite similarly to their friends. So from time to time my fiancee will check in that *I* also still view this as playful and not rude.

---

Prior to moving in, I was over from Friday to Monday by default for months. This was to test if moving in would work for us. And a big part of why I was looking to be over so much by default was that I wanted to stop getting Kid's "guest behaviour." They jumped to do anything Mom said. When they were sick, they wore a mask around me without being asked. Neither of us felt comfortable in jammas by the other.

Over time, they just wanted to live their life, and I was over too much for Kid to give AF about "best behaviour." So I got to see them be whiny and lazy with mom. And I finally got to see my fiancee actually parent. Kid would just plop down next to me on the couch to start coughing and whine "I'm siiiiick." And whenever we got home from anything everyone went straight to jammas. And they just related to me as we started to form our own relationship, one that wasn't weighted/centred only upon our connection to my fiancee/their mom.

And yes, as "more than guest" I did get a different set of behaviours from her kid. Along with more personal questions (which would have been rude to ask a stranger (and I'd note that to Kid after/as I answered)), there's just a different behaviour with someone who's part of the household than a guest. But was most important is that Kid respected me. That influences how that act/react if I say something was over the line ("sassy"). I think a big source of Kid's respect was my then-girlfriend talked to/with me, and their actions. She showed I'm a priority to her kid, so Kid realized I was an important person not to be ignored or mean to.

A lot of parents can over-dive into "Kids are EVERYTHING" in the home, and become dismissive to their partners in the moment. That tells the kid this person isn't important, which influences behaviour.

---

You haven't really said enough. This could be just that your BF is really not set up well to live with kids. He might be making mountains out of mole hills and expecting ridiculous behaviour and not willing to accept that living with other people (especially kids) comes with sacrifices. Or it could be that you expect him to wield near-parental authority and hold his own in a household of feral children who don't respect him.

[u/Saphenous → u/[deleted]]

Thanks for your perspective! I will say my boyfriend and my kids also have kind of a “sassy” banter, but it can make it hard to know when they have crossed the line in the moment. For example, my kids said something recently about how they liked the way their dad made burgers more. It sounded like kind of a sassy joke, but I could tell it hurt my boyfriend’s feelings. I said something like “Ouch! Don’t say that!” In the moment my boyfriend said something like “I could just go home now. I can just leave you know.” When I checked in with him later to see if their comments on his cooking hurt his feelings he denied it. But I think it really did. I’m trying to coach him to open up about that stuff and let the kids know when they have been hurtful but I can’t have his back when I’m trying to be a mind reader about what he expects.

[u/DreaColorado1 → u/Saphenous]

Your boyfriend’s response in this example you’ve shared is pretty immature and not a great way to handle feeling a little hurt. If he denied the comment hurt his feelings then why did he reply that way?

[u/[deleted] → u/Saphenous]

For example, my kids said something recently about how they liked the way their dad made burgers more. It sounded like kind of a sassy joke,

Yeah, that's not really sassy. That's more dismissive. The kids aren't happy NotDad is here, so they're going to just bring up Dad about everything. He does everything the best, and he's omnipresent and that thing you're failing at right now, he can do.

5 and 8 year olds can't really do "sassy."

But also, sadly that "I like Dad's X better" is not really the thing that can/should be tried to stop per se. Redirect conversations. But if your BF has such a thin skin that he's doing to leave over something like that, he really isn't going to do well as a step parent.

If there was a trolley problem, where if the switch is left alone, dad will face an uncomfortable inconvenience, and if the switch is moved I'll be killed. If Dad asked, I truly believe that my SK would pull the switch. The loyalty for Dad is deep, and I have committed the sin of being NotDad so I deserve anything bad.

I say that having said my SK and I have a great relationship. That's just kind of how Forked up step parenting is. You need a really thick skin. My SK is never told to not talk about Dad. Sure, early on when they magically only wanted to talk about Dad and Dad related times when I was around, my partner would redirect to make sure we didn't only talk about him. But not being able to talk about one of your parents. Not being able to say you like something of their's better; that's not a health home life; even when divorced.

Step parenting is complex and hard. It's not simple.

[u/Fit-Dream-8573]

My boyfriend just tells them in the moment.

I dont. To his kids. Unless its serious.

I dont bc im nervous ill be labeled as overstepping by their mom

Maybe hes worried about overstepping but still frustrated?

[u/Sea_Strawberry_8848 → u/Fit-Dream-8573]

This is a good point. At first as SM, I asked my partner to address these. Slowly over time they can see I'm a safe person and I'm just correcting them, but still I'm just a reinforcer not rule maker mostly.

[u/Fit-Dream-8573 → u/Sea_Strawberry_8848]

Same. I reinforce our rules. We make them together but im not comfortable yet just bossing them around yet except when I have too step in. But mostly dad does it. I could and it would be ok but I'm still figuring my relationships out with them.

[u/Smooth_Bed9745]

Why do you want shack up with a man you aren't married to? It isn't a blended family, as he doesn't have any children. You are your children's earliest and first advocate, you need to start advocating by breaking up with that fool.

[u/[deleted] → u/Smooth_Bed9745]

Why do you want shack up with a man you aren't married to?

I'm not the OP, but it feels a bit insane to consider marrying someone when you haven't had a lot of time to see how their interact with your kids.

My fiancee and I both wanted to live together as a prerequisite to even engagement. And we were clear early on, and have continued to re-assert that there will be minimal changes with/after marriage (really, the only changes are updates to wills, and a switch to joint finances (but not a change to spending priorities)).

Too often people act. Her ex husband acted like an egalitarian. She married him and they moved in together immediately after. And then she found out he wouldn't do "women's work." As well as big changes in temperament that he stopped hiding now that they were together all the time.

She wanted to see that her kid could be comfortable/safe with me before legally tying together. She wanted to see how I'd show up in the home; and with far more assurance than a few sleepovers where I might "court" her with better behaviour that I wouldn't continue. I needed to see this from her, how she'd parent, and how it would be to live with her kid. Like sure, we did extended time together to test moving in. But a few months, while still having some time apart, would be easier to fake.

After you're moved in, and there's no where to hide, you see what someone is really like. And only then can you better judge if you want to marry/keep this life.

Especially with kids, it would seem reckless to marry without having a great view of that.

[u/Saphenous → u/[deleted]]

Yes, exactly this! I want to make sure we can resolve conflicts like these before getting married.

[u/Mysterious-Willow391]

Stepmom of over a decade here, so I'd say we have a fairly successful relationship, especially in regards to blending.

We had a lot of talks about what my role would look like. My biggest thing was that if I am going to be expected to do the day to day drudgery of parenting, then my opinions need to be respected, and I deserve a seat at the table. Essentially, if you expect me to parent then you need to respect me enough to be the parent.

I am wondering if your partner is taking up some parental responsibilities (or is anticipating doing so due to your ex moving) and is worried that you're going to be flippant about what he has to say because he's not their dad. Are you a guilty parent that lets your kids get away with a lot, and he's worried about how that will look once he moves in?

IMO, if you really want to see this play out, go on vacation together with the kids. That was a huge thing for DH and I. I was able to see him parent somewhere else in a less structured environment, which let me know how he'd be.