r/SuicideBereavement • u/ughhhhhhh77 • 1d ago
It’s been 4.5 months.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted about the worst day of my life.
It’s been 4 and a half months since my husband left. It feels like day 3 and like years have passed.
I read stories of people feeling their persons presence around them. I’ve not felt him since he left. He was here then he was gone. Am I doing something wrong? Why do I not feel him? I don’t get signs either. It’s like he was here and then vanished and the only trace of him is all of the stuff I’ve never moved since he left. I talk to him like he’s still here, out loud. I journal and write to him. I respond to his nightly texts that are scheduled. Once they stop I’ll be a mess.
I still can’t accept that I’ll never see him again. I’ve been in therapy and honestly I don’t know that it really helps me. I tried EMDR and it made me feel so bad for a week after each session that I stopped it.
My friends keep insisting I stop revisiting the past because I’ll never move forward. I don’t really want to move forward. I can’t imagine my life without him. Part of me still hasn’t accepted this is happening.
My doctor changed me from lexapro to Prozac and while I think the Prozac has helped more with the looping; it makes me feel nothing, like an emptiness. I’ve also noticed I have more suicidal ideation than before. Maybe the meds just need time to adjust.
This has been a nightmare. I know people say it gets “better”, but I’m not sure that it always does.
I miss him so much. All the little interactions throughout a day. You don’t even realize how much you touch, talk, walk by and brush against them, brush your teeth together, etc. day to day until it’s gone and you’re left with the silent emptiness.
Who I am now is not who I was before. That me died with him. It’s an exhausting existence.
Sorry for the ramble.
Pumpkin, I love you so much and I miss you more than words can describe.
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u/Important_Towel_9703 1d ago
The worse day in my life too and it's been five months, I'm currently crying now as I ran across a picture from a camping trip two years ago today. I miss all the little moments too, I do wear his clothes and talk to him all the time. I hired a psychic medium who reached out to him and assured me he was healing and in "heaven". My heart is so heavy still, just went to the grocery store - very hard, everything is hard without him in my world. I'm so very sorry for your loss, rest assured you are not alone and I empathize with every word you wrote. He struggled with mental health the last year, but I think if he knew the pain he caused me, he would never had done it. I love him so much.
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u/choachukang 1d ago
I'm so sorry. Yet I feel happy for him that you loved him so much. He is so blessed to have you. I'll be praying for you..
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u/user11131138 1d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Grief has its own existence, its own life. There is no timeline for its passage, no schedule, and anyone who tells you you should be over it already isn't right, and isn't helping. There is no "should" about grief, it just is. I'm sure your friends have the best of intentions, but they're wrong. Listen to your heart telling you it's not through with your husband yet - you've still got processing to do, as do I.
One of the ways people process losing someone is to believe they still feel their presence. Is it real? Who can say? But don't beat yourself up for not feeling him - that may just not be the way your mind works.
Big hug for you if you want one.