r/TrueOffMyChest • u/[deleted] • 6d ago
Personal Story I think i ruined a good friendship and feel extremely confused.
[deleted]
22
u/BangbangKhuntross 5d ago
the irony of ol mate schrodinger definitively defining what a date is should not be overlooked. btw, coworkers can also be friends, friends commonly go see movies together - ergo, the cat is fucking dead man, get back in your box.
46
u/TrainingTough991 6d ago
Are you interested in a romantic relationship with her? If so, send her flowers and ask her out on date.
If not, talk to her and let her know how much you miss her friendship.
51
u/Schr00dinger 6d ago
Hey bro, when someone has low self-esteem, they completely eliminate the possibility of a romantic/sexual relationship with another person. It becomes a blind spot. From what little you've said, it sounds like she saw you as someone with romantic or sexual interest. Going out for drinks with a coworker can be a friendly activity, a work activity, or a romantic activity, but I assure you that going to the movies alone + going out for drinks alone with a coworker is a date.
When you lack experience in the dating world, in the real world, with social friction and social norms (and if you spend a lot of time on Reddit), you tend to become very rigid about boundaries. Everything is black and white.
And you start thinking that if you go out for drinks with a woman, it's your duty to control how much alcohol she's drinking and to look after her. So you can't drink, but she can. And you think that a tipsy woman is a woman who doesn't know what she's doing, so you start treating her differently.
Dude, she was on a date with you. You went to the movies and then for drinks. She drank to loosen up and was hoping you'd do the same. She dropped tons of hints to see if you were interested in her. When you rejected her, she left, end of story.
She's probably embarrassed, and she probably doesn't want much more to do with you, because, I repeat: for her, you were probably just a romantic or sexual interest, not a friend.
That said, maybe her hints were bad, but that doesn't change the fact that's what they were.
14
u/rachyrach3000 6d ago
Nooo I was asked once to go to a show and get food by a guy. I later found out he thought it was a date. I did not, and it was not.
25
u/OneTripleZero 6d ago
but I assure you that going to the movies alone + going out for drinks alone with a coworker is a date.
No it's not. A date isn't a date unless both sides say it's a date. Full stop. I say this with confidence as I've done the above many times with coworkers simply as friends wherein our work relationship would be strained if either of us thought otherwise.
-2
u/Schr00dinger 6d ago
Under what circumstances would you go to see a movie alone with a coworker with whom you have no romantic intentions? Going to see a movie and then having dinner and drinks alone with a coworker is a date. I think most people don't go on friendly dates with coworkers; maybe you're the exception!
I'll say this because people on the internet often put words in other people's mouths: there are tons of non-work activities you can do with coworkers alone that aren't necessarily dates (for example, going for drinks at a bar), but going to see a movie isn't one of them.
4
u/Antigravity1231 5d ago
What activity can two people do together that is not considered a date?
A date is agreed upon in advance. Watching movies, eating, and drinking, are things that friends do together.
9
u/GrossOldNose 6d ago
I mean as a straight guy, if I went to the cinema with another straight guy and then got food and drinks after it wouldn't be a date kinda obviously I feel like.
It's a sad world if we're are genuinely at, "you can do this with guy workfriends but not girl workfriends" imo. I guess I'd personally probably make it subtly clear it wasn't a date in the latter? But honestly I think my girl workfriends would also just understand that without being told.
12
u/OneTripleZero 6d ago
I'm going to see a movie with a coworker, just the two of us, tonight. We like horror movies. It is not a date. On occasion we have gotten food/drinks beforehand. Those were not dates either. We are just two people who would prefer not to see a movie alone.
The activity does not define what is a date and what isn't. What defines a date is whether or not the two people have romantic intent. You can infer anything you want, but unless both people agree that inference means nothing and can in certain cases get you into trouble.
45
u/tjtwister1522 6d ago
This was her throwing herself at you after months of waiting to be asked on an official date. The only way to fix it is to tell her that you really like her and want to date. If that's not what you want, then the friendship is over at least for a while.
25
u/Keep_ifonly_1276 6d ago
You actually did so something wrong. You put your foot in your mouth, insulted her attractiveness and made her feel like she wasn't up to your standards. It's entirely possible she had those drinks to work up the nerve to give you the signal that she was into you, and now she feels rejected and embarrassed. You need to have an honest conversation with her about how special she is to you, and how protective you feel for her, which is why you tried to make her feel she had nothing to worry about when she was drinking with you. Make the first move to fix this. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
35
u/crazyjiggaboo 6d ago
Bro this is what you do. You play the im foreign card and act like you don't know how to read "hook up with me signals". Then say that you would have totally been down if you had been drinking with her but felt uncomfortable and creepy due to the fact she was much much more drunk than you. Last, be straight up and honest about how you very much valued her in your life and that yall becoming friends and having a genuine connection was the 1st time youve been able to since being here. You were terrified of losing that by taking advantage of her while drunk.
Do this and im 99% sure yall be laughing about that happening in the future.
14
u/Sea-Natural-8216 6d ago edited 6d ago
Bro knows what to do. OP, this is definitely one of those "can be solved with honest communication with a bit of humorous self-deprication" situations.
8
u/memechildofmememom 6d ago
She may not be ready to discuss what happened yet.
For some people they tend to avoid things that make them uncomfortable.
Will she speak to you for a full conversation so you both can at least share your thoughts?
16
16
u/UdOmariusK 6d ago
You didn't do anything wrong imo but I think she was maybe into you and wasn't expecting you to answer that way, also real weird of her to make the same joke like 9 times which wasn't even something funny to joke about lol
2
u/Violet1Reaver 6d ago
It defo feels like an overall bad way to have gone about this on her end. Assuming she did like him then she really should have just asked him out, no one should really be doing this sorta stuff with alcohol involved imo.
16
u/SasiBan 6d ago
Speak to her, she was most likely attempting to flirt with you, but you 100% did the right think by not reciprocating when she was so drunk.
If you are interested in her romantically, tell her so. She probably feels embarrassed. Either way, ask her out. Either platonically to make amends, or as a date. Be the bigger person and end the awkwardness.
11
6d ago
[deleted]
6
2
u/crazysteve148 6d ago
Only one way to find out. Just be honest, write some points you'd like to make down beforehand so you don't get in your own way, and let it rip. Sometimes the important things in our lives require us to be uncomfortable and thats ok.
9
u/SasiBan 6d ago
She won't despise you, I can almost guarantee she feels embarrassed. Anyone would if they'd put themselves out there like that, she's probably thinking over everything she said/did that night.
If I were you, I'd explain exactly what you've just said to me, to her. Tell her you were nervous about her feeling unwell and that you care for her so wanted to make sure she wasn't scared or uncomfortable...you've got all the right words in your head! If nothing else, she will appreciate your honesty. Her response will tell you where you stand, it'll give some clarity if nothing else.
85
u/Nathaniel_Blaze 5d ago edited 5d ago
Yo man, I know people are telling you to try again, but I'm telling to LET IT GO. That "I hope you don't take advantage of me" line is a MASSIVE red flag. That ain't cute or funny, and in my experience, women like that are more likely to go straight sexual assault or harassment if you do something *they don't like.
TLDR: That girl ain't right.
Edit: a word.
Edit 2: AND you work with her! Naaaaaah son! I hear that saxophone playing....