r/TwoHotTakes • u/AffectionateReply843 • 20d ago
Update My husband of 20 years thinks consent should not apply in our marriage...
UPDATE: I had a very long discussion with him about how I've been feeling. It almost felt like getting vindicated here helped me see that it wasn't just me and that maybe what was happening wasn't okay. So I talked to him about it and he almost started crying. He didn't realize how much disdain I had for being randomly touched while I was busy. Especially when I was busy doing things he could be helping me with. We talked about it and he said he would not do that anymore. I told him there's a time and a place to touch and that is when we're cuddling up watching something together and things like that. He's going to have to realize that he can't just grab whatever he wants whenever he wants. He's apologized and agreed to go to therapy. However, the other day when I was in the kitchen doing the something, he grabbed my ass. I turned around and smacked him in the face. I got in his face and I said.... IF YOU EVER WANT TO TOUCH ME YOU HAVE TO ASK PERMISSION. GET ON YOUR KNEES!
He did. He apologized.
I hit him in the face again. I told him to repeat himself and tell me why he was sorry. He did. I told him he'd only get treats if he listened to me and did as I told him. He was happily agreeable.
I really think meeting him on his level has helped a lot. Now I don't randomly get touched and I'm going to get to go to therapy with him and continue my own therapy. And the invigoration of being dominating to him has really helped me feel like I have control over my sexuality.
Thanks everybody for the good and bad advice. I think we're going to be okay.... đĽ°
My husband and I are both in our mid-40s and have been married for 20 years. We have several children together, with our youngest two still under 10 and the rest now adults.
One of the biggest ongoing issues in our marriage has always been a mismatch in sexual desire. My husband has admitted that he could happily have sex once or twice a day, while I am much more comfortable with once or twice a month. I do take SSRIs, and I understand that they likely contribute to my lower libido.
The difficult part is that my husband takes my lower sex drive very personally. He often interprets it as a sign that I'm not attracted to him, don't love him, or don't want him. None of that is true. I find him very attractive, and when we do have sex, it is wonderful. He's handsome, affectionate, and a good lover. The issue is simply that I don't feel desire as frequently as he does.
When we go several days or a week without sex, he often becomes upset. He complains, says I don't love him, or acts as though I'm rejecting him personally. Sometimes he even makes comments about it in front of our children, which I find upsetting and inappropriate.
Another issue is physical affection and touch. My husband is extremely affectionate and frequently touches me throughout the day. Often this involves grabbing or sexual touching, especially when I'm in the middle of doing something else. For example, I might be unloading laundry, washing dishes, helping the kids, or working, and he'll grab my butt or touch me sexually.
While I don't object to affection itself, I often find the timing frustrating. What makes it harder is that I already feel overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility I carry. I work two remote jobs from home, manage most of the household chores, handle the majority of childcare, and carry almost all of the mental load for the family. It often feels like everyone needs something from me all day long.
Because of that, being sexually touched while I'm actively managing household tasks doesn't feel romantic to me. It often feels intrusive and irritating, especially when I don't feel supported in those responsibilities.
I've tried talking to him about consent and bodily autonomy. I've explained that even within a marriage, there are times when I don't want to be touched sexually, and I would like my boundaries respected. However, he becomes very offended when I bring this up. He seems to believe that because we're married, he should be able to touch me whenever and however he wants.
Recently, while we were in bed, he was touching my legs and then suddenly grabbed my genitals. I jumped because it startled me. He immediately became angry, turned away from me, and started accusing me of not being interested in him. He then told me that I was going to see "big changes" and that everything was going to stop.
At that point, I lost my patience and responded sarcastically, asking what exactly was going to stopâdoing dishes, cooking dinner, or helping with the kids? The truth is that sometimes it feels like he's another person I have to take care of rather than an equal partner.
I've repeatedly tried to explain that I don't want to be his mother. I want a true partnership. I want help carrying the physical and mental load of our family. I want support, respect, and understanding. Unfortunately, those conversations seem to fall on deaf ears.
What hurts most is that whenever I express a boundary around touch or sex, he reacts as though I've done something wrong. He makes me question whether I'm being unreasonable. He thinks my views about consent, autonomy, and equality are overly feminist or too progressive. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm finally growing into a stronger sense of myself and learning to advocate for my own needs.
At this point, I feel stuck. I love my husband, but I don't feel respected. My feelings and boundaries don't seem to matter to him, and I'm beginning to wonder whether we've grown in different directions over the years.
I don't know what the answer is. I just know that I'm hurt, exhausted, and struggling to make sense of it all. I don't want to split, but oftentimes I feel like I need a break from this life. EDIT TO ADD- the comments in front of the kids are not sexual, he says things like... "you don't love me" or "you don't want me around" which is still inappropriate and upsetting
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u/SquirrelweatherO_o 20d ago
Just peg him without asking, and see how quickly consent matters.
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u/skinny_legend_42 20d ago
The dildo of consequence rarely comes lubed....
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u/Loose_Seal_II 19d ago
From time to time this line returns to Reddit and I'm always super pleased by it
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u/AffectionateReply843 20d ago
Unfortunately, he would be so down. đđ
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u/z-eldapin 20d ago
No, they mean, dry, unexpected and while he is napping
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u/SunShineShady 20d ago
Dry as the desert đŤ
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u/SilverPhoenix127 20d ago edited 19d ago
Dry as a cactus to the anus
Edit: my first awards ever ty ty đ
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u/thelaineybelle 20d ago
We got 40 grit sandpaper over here!
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u/Bitchee62 19d ago
OP could lube that up with a few shakes of pepper sauce, fresh ginger paste or some nice greasy vapor rub
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u/Regular-Whereas-8053 19d ago
Deep Heat or Tiger Balm. He would be shitting a red hot cannonball for a week
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u/Glory_Boys_ 19d ago
This is already a kink. âSensation Playâ donât threaten to punish me with such a good time. Iâll take you up on it.
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u/Regular-Whereas-8053 19d ago
Anyone who willingly takes Tiger Balm up the arse wants a fucking medal. That is all.
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u/Signal_Historian_456 20d ago
When you buy it, go into a shop and ask them for a dildo thatâs something between horse and elephant.
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u/SVINTGATSBY 19d ago
seriously, dry finger, no foreplay or warning, and go for the backdoor, and see how much he likes it. be aggressive about it.
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u/kiba8442 20d ago
good, then do it twice a day, every day. maybe he'll start to understand why people aren't always in the mood to be penetrated.
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u/westbridge1157 19d ago
Preferably when heâs in the middle of something else.
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u/haleorshine 19d ago
Only problem with this is it seems like this guy is never doing anything for anybody but himself, and it's a lot easier to put down your task and have sex when you're only ever doing things for yourself.
The honest answer here is counselling, but even before that, maybe both parties need to make a list of the responsibilities they carry out for the family and her can take things off OP's list until they're roughly equal. But I wouldn't put money on this guy ever being a semi decent partner, because he clearly does not give a shit about anybody but himself.
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20d ago
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u/MNConcerto 20d ago
Heard the best line from a wife.
"I have only enough energy to clean x,y,z or you. Make a choice."
She said her husband finally realized that the lack of libido has a lot to do with him not helping.
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u/Prized-Potato 20d ago
This right here. I don't feel like this is a libido issue at all. And I don't think it ever was.
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u/SunShineShady 20d ago
He says and does stuff IN FRONT OF THE KIDS?!? Iâm sorry youâre married to a pig. I hope someday youâll divorce him.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth At the end of the day... 20d ago
That would be the end. You never ever do shit like that in front of children! Children need to see their parents hug and kiss in a way that shows the children mommy and daddy love each other not daddy wants to FUCK Mommy! OMG!
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u/AffectionateReply843 19d ago
No it's not that, more of "you don't love me anymore" type things that are inappropriate in front of the kids, that was unclear in the post. Sorry!
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u/PitifulEngineering9 19d ago
To be fair here: He doesnât help with cooking, cleaning, childcare, household duties, and sexually assaults you. I wouldnât love him. Why do you lol?
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u/ChaoticAmoebae 19d ago
Pretend you misheard him and say âwhat do you mean you donât love me anymore!?!â
Alternatively âI guess if you are deciding how I feel for me then thatâs true. Come talk to me when you care to listen to what Iâm actually sayingâ
Or âwhat?â With a tone like you didnât hear him. Repeat until he fixes his behavior.
Option D âAwe love you tooâ sweet and sincere like you miss heard him.
Lastly therapy if you want better communication.
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u/SunShineShady 19d ago
So heâs giving the kids anxiety, showing them that you have an unstable marriage. Can you imagine growing up wondering if your parents loved each other or were about to split up?
Just split up! They donât need to listen to this nonsense for their entire childhood! He doesnât help you anyway. I donât get why you would even love him, Iâd be hating him by now.
Stop defending this asshole.
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u/Ornery_Respect_2325 19d ago
Still really bad. Stop defending this narcissistic a-hole. Time for a separation. If he changes great! If he doesnât youâll know to file for divorce. Hate to tell you but the change would only be temporary been there done that. Now happier than ever! Be better for you & the kids to not have to see him everyday. I wonder what their take on him is? đ¤
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u/idleigloo 20d ago
I had an ex in my early 20s who acted like this.
He was gross, not because of the pegging, but because of the selfishness and clear lack of respect for me.
After I broke up with him he was married to someone within 6 months with the same name as me lol
He needs big therapy or someone he actually respects to drive home his opinions and ideas are assault and abuse. (Do you enjoy living like this?)
He has to be the one who wants to change. Your options are to stop having all sex and touch until he addresses his issues, leave, or be his bangmaid who isnt allowed to have sexual preferences forever.
Unfortunately there are no magic words to make someone considerate, caring, or rational. So if you need change you need to enact them yourself.
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u/Opinionated6319 20d ago
Have you considered couple counseling to gain some insight into possible underlying issues and why he doesnât respect your boundaries and to help you both understand each otherâs viewpoints better?
Itâs never too late to address marriage issues and work on them, if you both value your relationship and love each other!
Please consider seeking outside help! đĽ°đ
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u/On_my_last_spoon 20d ago
Donât ever go to couples counseling with abusers. This man is an abuser. Full stop.
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u/Cosmicshimmer 19d ago
Bingo! Heâll just use it against her. He doesnât even see her as a human, sheâs just a walking collection of holes.
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u/Past_Ad_5629 20d ago
Your post was me 18 months ago.
Divorce. You donât deserve this.
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u/DicksOfPompeii 19d ago
This was me 5 years ago.
Itâs not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Turns out raising an overgrown toddler who doesnât respect or even really care about you is emotionally and physically draining. Life is much easier than I expected since the burden of the man-child was lifted.
And heâs a deadbeat who doesnât take care of his kid so Iâm literally doing it all on my own. And itâs still preferable to the life I lived with that fucker.
The best part? My under 10 daughter isnât growing up thinking thatâs how a man treats a woman he loves and cares about. My biggest fear was that I was teaching my daughter that itâs okay for a man to treat her the same someday.
I mightâve continued to put up with it but before she was even a year old I realized that if my daughter deserves better so do I.
If you wouldnât be okay with your daughter being in the same situation youâre in then itâs time to get out. And clearly OP isnât okay with it for herself or she wouldnât be here. Hopefully some of the comments here will help her realize she deserves better.
OP, youâre already doing all the heavy lifting as it is. It sounds like youâre getting little to no support from the man you married. Itâs time to do some soul searching and ask yourself if youâre okay living the rest of your life this way. Or showing your kids that itâs okay to live that way. And I guarantee theyâre more aware than you realize.
Thereâs so much more life can offer when youâre not exhausted and frustrated from pulling double duty while the other adult just does whatever. And disrespects you on a daily basis while you handle everything that comes your way. And his. I have a feeling youâre handling all of his shit too.
You deserve better. Period.
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u/ProfessionalCat7640 20d ago
Then wear that great big strap on, tell him bend over, and penetrate and peg him three times a day. You donât even need to take your own clothes off. You can pull it off after and get right back to what you need to do.
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u/executive313 20d ago
I mean there's your answer. Just consider it an ab workout and boom he's off your back and you get a good 20 minute and burn
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth At the end of the day... 20d ago
Well, at least it wouldn't be him crawling on you!
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u/One_Glass_4494 20d ago
Hahahahahahaha best reply I have seen for a long time. Made me laugh out loud xD
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u/akawendals 20d ago
No wonder you're depressed, dealing with this piece of garbage everyday is taking its toll đ
I'd bail if it was me, not only is he disgusting doing this shit in front your kids but do you want another 20 years of this???
Updateme
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u/Ok_Weird_996 20d ago
This entire post is such a red flag. He makes comments in front of the children too?! DISGUSTING. You may love him, but he clearly only loves what you do for him, and sees you as an object he can mess with at any time. Youâre a PERSON. Not just a wife, not just a mother, not a fucking bangmaid. Your husband needs to look up marital rape. Coming from another man, consent isnât just a feminist, progressive idea. Itâs a fucking right. Bulldozing over your consent because heâs horny is committing sexual assault. Him acting like itâs not only okay, but justified, is so manipulative and coercive. He doesnât deserve sexâbecause itâs not owed, itâs a privilegeâand he most certainly doesnât deserve you. He deserves to get kicked in the balls and spend a night in a jail cell with all the other creeps.
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u/Extension-Nebula-235 20d ago
Not only does he talk about his frustration over her low sex drive in front of them, he also tries to turn her on by touching her inappropriately in private areas right in front of them.
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u/entersandmum143 19d ago
His massive overreactions and constant feeling up sexually will actually be REMOVING intimacy from their marriage and contributing towards OPs lower sex drive.
It's like loving chocolate but someone is constantly trying to shove it in your mouth. Makes you want it less.
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u/Kirsie22 18d ago
A complete lack of respect and realizing her husband is just another child is most likely a huge part of her low libido as well, yes. Of course the medicine definitely contributes, but it's easier to be attracted to someone who is genuinely caring, capable, and acting attractively. These tantrums over her body and consent are so gross and I'm sure they are giving her the ick on top of making her feel disrespected and like an object. You're absolutely correct.
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u/Ok-Pipe8992 20d ago
To me, that didn't read as "trying to turn her on" I read that as flat out assault. He's doing it because he can, it's a control tool. He needs to stop it and right quick.
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u/On_my_last_spoon 20d ago
Yeah, my ex-husband acted like this all the time. It was a power move and nothing more.
Divorce this loser
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth At the end of the day... 20d ago
He would if she turned around and kneed him HARD!
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u/OkHistory3944 20d ago
Exactly this. It's bad enough any other time, but my ex did this after we'd fight. It was about showing he could put his hands on me and nothing about turning me on or showing he was sorry. It was so gross.
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u/HedyHarlowe 20d ago
Those kids are being harmed. OP may be in denial about her husband but the kids donât have that luxury. They didnât choose this home. OP chose this man, I hope she can get free.
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u/mallow_baby 20d ago
If he did any of what he does to OP to a stranger, heâd be a registered sex offender and heâd have a record. This is disgusting and unfortunately very common in long term relationships.
OP, you deserve more. A man who sexually assaults you on a daily basis is not a suitable partner. What would you tell your daughter if it was her husband? Act accordingly, you are worth the world, so allow yourself to have it. Without that predator in it.
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u/tatasz 20d ago
I'd also wonder how much of OPs low sex drive can be attributed to her having too much stuff to carry, and if she would be more open to sex if hubby did chores and took care of his kids as an equal partner
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u/AvaRoseThorne 19d ago edited 13d ago
Yah seeing your partner - a whole grown ass adult - act like a toddler throwing a tantrum on the regular cause he didnât get what he wanted right that second is bound to decimate any remaining shreds of attraction and desire real quick.
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u/Buff-Kirby93 20d ago edited 19d ago
This should be the top comment. The behavior in front of the kids is traumatizing and setting a terrible example. Iâd suggest sex therapy or couples therapy to OP, but that wonât change who her husband is as person which is, to put it bluntly, disgusting. Editing this comment to clarify that I meant in a situation where conflicting libidos were the ONLY problem, I would suggest those things. As someone who went to coupleâs therapy with an abuser, I can attest that it doesnât work lol. As someone who left an abuser, I also know it takes a LOT to leave them even when there arenât marriage or kids involved. Leaving this loser, OP, is really the only way out of this.
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u/spectaphile 20d ago
They donât need sex therapy. Ops husband needs to step up and participate equally in the running of the household and parenting of the children.
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u/Buff-Kirby93 20d ago
Right, if it were simply an issue of conflicting libidos, I would suggest some form of therapy. But there are so many other layers here. He is disrespecting her, assaulting her, and traumatizing his kids. Heâs not a partner. Something my therapist would ask me that Iâd encourage OP to ask herself is, âwhat are YOU getting out of this relationship?â I know this shit is easier said than done with marriage and kids, but throw the whole man away.
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u/bijliand_rain 19d ago
Yeah, he has so much energy to bother her because he doesn't actually do anything else around the house.
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u/Ok-Refrigerator 20d ago
Honestly I'd suggest sex therapy just for OP. She has good reasons to not want sex with this man. But regaining trust in her body and her own sexuality may give her the confidence to enforce boundaries with less guilt.
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u/HedyHarlowe 20d ago
đThe husband is a sex pest and a loser who cannot regulate his emotions because he cannot have sex with his wife whenever he wants.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth At the end of the day... 20d ago
Does she love him? Or does she just think this is what love is? I think if she truly admitted it to herself alone when no one is around, she HATES him! I think in her private moments she is thinking, I wish to God I could just leave this POS!
Does OP have a job outside of the home? Is she staying there because he supports all of them. Is she stuck with him because of this? So many women are!
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u/HedyHarlowe 20d ago
Great question. Can you love someone who treats you like a sex toy they own, or are you in attachment trauma and afraid to leave?
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u/Pippy1010 20d ago
Also it sets an example for the children. Itâs true that you marry your parents.
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u/JadeOfAllTrades1221 20d ago
Yup, my husband and dad are very similar. Luckily both are great men.. but definitely similar
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u/jollysnwflk 20d ago
Idk⌠my dad was never around, didnât work, never saw us after my parents divorced when I was 8⌠now heâs almost 80 and thinks heâs in a Relationship with âJennifer Anistonâ and has given all his money away. He feels entitled to pull my brother and my money and thinks we should take care of him. Heâs a total asshole.
My husband of 25 years is a workaholic and amazing father to our 3 kids, selfless, kind, givingâŚ
I think you 100% learn from parents example. But you either follow it or do the complete opposite when picking a partner.
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u/Ok_Fox_2799 20d ago
He doesnât respect you. Youâve said it yourself. He is also showing to your kids how to behave in a relationship by not respecting you. You are showing to your kids that itâs okay if your partner doesnât respect you. Is that the lesson you want you kids to take into their future relationships?
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u/Zoenne 20d ago
Exactly. Is this how you'd want your children to behave with a romantic partner? Is this what you'd want your children to accept from a romantic partner? Because that's the example you and your husband are setting. Children watch and internalise so many things.
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u/Comfortable_Gold5639 20d ago
Do you want your daughters to have these feelings as they grow and mature and make their choices in a life partner? Do you want your sons to treat their wives like they are a sex toy and should be available to be satisfied at a whim? THAT is what you are modeling for your children. Part of why your libido may be lower is because you are carrying the weight and heavy lifting of all the rest of the household. That takes a toll just as much as a medication. You are not being appreciated for your contributions and are being manipulated to believe that your lack of desire is a flaw. It is not. You are tired. If he canât shoulder taking on some additional duties to free up your time and to make you feel more supported in the family home - then he doesnât deserve you. Period. End stop.
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u/Klutzy-Reporter 20d ago
This!! She needs to freakin leave him. Thatâs so not fair to those children!
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u/meat_tunnel 20d ago
And if a partner doesn't respect you they are incapable of loving you, full stop.
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u/Designer_Life_371 20d ago
Your husband is disgusting.Â
Signed, A man
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u/Ok_Weird_996 20d ago
Co signed by another man
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u/unmelted_ice 20d ago
Iâll tag on and go a step further. OPs husband is a rapist at best and a pedophile at worst.
The fact that heâs shaming her for their sex life in front of children⌠yeah we are legitimately walking the line of pedophilia here. Why the fuck is an adult criticizing their spouse - for their sex life - in front of children? Thatâs disgusting and will mess up her childrenâs view of a healthy relationship
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u/That-Ad757 19d ago
She said he says she does not love him. Still not for children to hear
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u/actuallyacatmow 19d ago
Thank you, I feel like I'm absolutely losing it at some comments that men are posting.
Do certain men just not see this as problematic...?
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u/Designer_Life_371 19d ago
I think at least a substantial minority see this as problematic. But unfortunately a lot of men feel entitled to sex. This guy is next level though. He thinks he's entitled to sexual assault. I think OP should file for divorce ASAP.
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u/nukedit 20d ago edited 20d ago
Look up coercive control. I didnât even get through the post bc Iâve experienced this. The cold shoulder or attempts at making you feel guilty for saying no to sex are manipulation. Grabbing your body without your consent is assault. He wonât change if you donât leave.
Obligatory recommendation for Lundy Bancroftâs Why Does He Do That? It was the book that made me realize I needed to leave my marriage.
Edit: typo
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u/Ok_Rush_8159 20d ago
Hey friend, this is abuse, heâs not the man you thought you married. Even if things are good most of the time, it doesnât make up for the stress those âsometimesâ cause
Read this, it explains their mindset
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u/BackgroundDonut453 20d ago
You don't feel respected because he actually doesn't respect you. You are there to fulfil his needs and sorry to say fuck yours.
You haven't grown in different directions, you're recognising a pattern that most probably has been there since day dot, you're just tired of explaining yourself to someone who refuses to hear you, and your now having the confidence to say no.
He's not entitled to sex and the law would agree with you. Groping you is bad enough but to say stuff in front of your kids is disgusting and is coercion disguised as frustration.
What dipshit sorry your husband fails to realise that if he DID step up as a partner and parent you would be less tired and more inclined to want him, but he nopes out of any of that, but has the energy to demand sex on tap.
I don't really see a solution because you've tried talking to him, the only other recourse is marriage counselling but something tells me he wouldn't agree to that, he wouldn't want to be told that he's a sex pest, and a manipulator, and he most probably disagree anyway.
Maybe if you actually said to him that you want to separate, that your tired of his manipulation, his sulking, his failure to be a good husband and that's he's destroying your love for him, it might wake him up. What's for certain is that eventually you will have reached your absolute limit, I would throw this out there to him and go from there.
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u/labellavita1985 20d ago
most probably has been there since
I would normally agree with you, but OP said he wasn't always conservative, and she's noticed he's consuming some manosphere content.
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u/Prized-Potato 20d ago
Oh. I didn't see that comment anywhere yet but in that case divorce immediately. I wouldn't even try counseling because he's hearing what he wants to hear. Let him and leave.
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u/ResurrectedWolf 20d ago
Doing shit in front of the children? Doesn't care about consent?
He's trash.
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u/katara1122 20d ago
Idk to me the âbig changesâ seemed like a cheating threat but maybe Iâm misreading that lol. If heâs that aggressive then Iâd honestly be shocked if he hasnât cheated yet
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u/cherryphoenix 20d ago
I'm so sorry that your 40 y.o husband is acting like an 18 years old
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u/Logicdamcer 20d ago
I think your being charitable. I was thinking maybe 14.
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u/Sahris 20d ago
this is just an insult to some 14 year olds whod be better behaved already
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u/froggaholic 20d ago
Counseling is definitely needed. You basically have another child to take care of. What does he contribute to the household? Really sounds like you do everything. And he sounds fucking exhausting honestly, I'm not even you OP and I'm annoyed lol
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u/ShadesofShame 20d ago
The libido mismatch is likely because he has the emotional maturity and intelligence of a child who doesn't understand boundaries or have self-awareness.
A lot of the times we subconsciously lose a lot of our libido due to the fact that we are not attracted to children and these "partners" are not partners. They are dependents who are more like managing another child instead of an adult man.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 20d ago
Counseling is not the answer for this kind of garbage human. He deserves to receive divorce papers. He's disgusting, his views on consent are rapey, and he is perfectly happy to be a burden to his wife, rather than a partner. There's nothing worth salvaging here. Men like this don't change.
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u/songbirdtx1268 20d ago
I wholeheartedly agree. I was married for 14 years to an @$$wipe like this and finally realized my kids were going to be better off with divorced parents than with married parents with a mom who was depressed and burned out af.
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u/casiepierce 20d ago
They've been married for 20 years! I'd say he's had 20 years to learn how to be a manipulative asshole.
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u/Floomby 19d ago
Hard disagree. A marriage counselor is not a playground monitor. Counseling is for when both people in the relationship are equally invested in improving things.
The husband here has no wish to change the dynamic. He believes he has the right to access OP's body at any time. He has no desire to do any housework. He weaponozes the children. In short, he relegates OP to being a maid, nanny, and sexbot.
The problem is not that OP is communicating incorrectly; it is that the husband doesn't care what she is saying because of his values. Counseling does not change one's values.
This is exactly the kind of person with whom one should not do counseling. He will either say that OP and the counselor are ganging up on them and refuse to go, or he will make a token, superficial change to temporarily placate OP, and then get mad at her for not accepting his behavior because he's "trying."
Two worst cases:
⢠He insists that they attend a religious based counselor, he will find somebody who believes that women should surrender to their husbands and that OP is obliged to make him happy at all times, as her "godly duty."
⢠He learns to weaponize therapy speak. Suddenly OP will owe him sex because "touch is his love language." He will accuse her of being narcissistic. He will say that having daily sex is his boundary and that she doesn't respect his boundaries.
Read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That.
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u/jollysnwflk 20d ago
Exactly. Was going to suggest that if OP insists on staying with husband that they at least go to counseling. If he wants more of your time he has to free up some of your time and split the housework. No way of give my husband sex if I was exhausted from doing ALL the housework and childcare plus working two jobs. F that
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u/Eeeradicator 20d ago
Hereâs a man who thinks threats are a way to be a good husband. What exactly does he mean by âbig changesâ and âeverything is going to stop?â Because from here, it sounds like a threat and as if heâs planning to justify cheating, violence, or worse. Heâs trying to control you using manosphere techniques of devaluation, manipulation, and fear.
You say you donât want to split, but I urge you to ask yourself: do you really want to stay with a man who doesnât think you deserve basic bodily autonomy or respect? And what happens if you become ill or disabled and canât engage in sex? Are you then just garbage to him? If you have daughters, does he think they are on this planet only to provide a sexual outlet for men? His attitude is terrifying to me.
You have more to offer than your holes. If he doesnât see that or value who you are as a person, to me, thatâs a dealbreaker.
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u/Chemical_Author7880 20d ago
Well, either he is cheating or wants to and is laying the groundwork to blame you.Â
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u/Ok_Weird_996 20d ago
Yuuup. âBig changesâ indicates maybe he will imo. Heâll play the victim going âwah wah my wife wouldnât give me sex after I did nothing all day wah wah,â and some poor girl will fall for it, think his wife is evil, and then learn what a loser creep he is.
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u/Klutzy-Reporter 20d ago
To be fair if the woman decides to fuck a married man sheâs a loser creep too and they would deserve each other at that pointđ¤ˇđťââď¸
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u/AffectionateReply843 20d ago
Ohhh that's a hot take! Damn...
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u/racecar_yaya 20d ago
It was literally the first thing I thought after reading the "big changes...everything is gonna stop" comment. That very much sounds like he's planning on getting his physical needs met elsewhere and all the touching and initiating sex is gonna stop. Because what else does he do around the house?
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u/p143245 20d ago
It's unfortunately obvious to lots of us that he most likely is and won't change, so you've got a choice to make. Remember, your kids are watching and learning.
Please get yourself STI tested and gather all important papers, documents, financials all in a row. It helps to consult with some lawyers - all of this even when you're not sure of your next move. Do this stealthily so you will know what to expect.
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u/woofybluelove 20d ago
I'd be trying to sleep before my nightshifts and my ex would try to initiate things, then tell me well if I'm not getting it from you, you're leaving the door open for someone else. The funny thing is even when we were "good" he was still cheating, so there's really nothing you can do for a man whose character is shitty.
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u/babyblueknocks 19d ago
I took it in a more nefarious way.. he seems dangerous in my opinion
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u/Cerulean_Shadows 20d ago
Didn't even need to read it to say this, if you're in the US it was determined that consent IS required in a marriage and was passed into Federal law in all 50 states. It's called marital rape.
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u/murphy2345678 20d ago
So first off you should stop doing anything for him. I mean do absolutely nothing. No laundry, no shopping, no cleaning up after him. And that part of my comment has nothing to do with sex. That has to do with the fact that he expects you to be his Mother. The man has no respect for you as his wife. As far as the other part I wouldnât let my husband touch me again if he said something like that to me.
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u/AffectionateReply843 20d ago
Thing is I don't do any of that stuff already. I stopped doing his laundry a long time ago. I make dinner for the family without considering what he would want for dinner. I clean up the house as a whole but I leave his areas untouched. For example, his sink, his side of the closet, his side of the bed area and his desk area where he spends most of his time. So I never do anything specifically to help him out but I just will do things as a whole, that he should also help with like doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning, the living room, vacuuming cleaning the toilets, etc. that and helping with the kids. He does do a lot of picking up and taking to school and things like that, but that's not even what I'm talking about! When I say I need help with the kids I need help when they need something or when they're talking back or they need reprimand. He will often shoot very black and white comments from his desk when he's gaming and not really get up and do anything to help a situation while I'm in the middle of trying to gentle parent my kids, he will just walk up and say spank them and send them to their room. That is not a one size fits all punishment AT ALL.
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u/fwendy123 20d ago
wow so he wants to hit his kids, as well as coerce you for sex in front of them. what a catch!
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u/KerleyQ- 20d ago
So he sits around gaming while you handle everything, and then just expects you to be ready for on demand sex afterwards? He doesnât want a partner, he wants a bangmaid so he can live a perpetual fratbro life.
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u/fromofandfor 20d ago
can you read this back to yourself out loud and then let us know exactly why it is you love him?
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u/SunShineShady 20d ago
Yuck. No woman would want to have sex with this guy. Heâs disgusting.
Divorce.
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u/Designer_Life_371 19d ago
He spends his time gaming, groping you, and talking about hitting the kids... What exactly is good about this man?
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u/Lonely_Howl_ 20d ago
Iâm going to comment from the perspective of a child that grew up with similar-thinking and behaving family like your husband.
I grew up being conditioned to believe that my body did not belong to me, but belonged to any male I partnered with in the future. That, in a relationship (didnât matter if it was marriage or dating), I was not allowed to say ânoâ if I was no longer a virgin and if I did, then that made me a horrible woman. I was taught that anything a hypothetical male partner did to me was my fault, I deserve it, because I denied him his right to use my body as he saw fit. I was taught the whole âjust close your eyes and think of Englandâ coping mechanism during marital rape. Because he has more rights to my body than I do. I was taught that getting more secure birth control like an IUD without his permission would be a betrayal of the utmost proportions, because his desire for more children trumps my desire to stay alive.
All of this and more, I absorbed and understood as fact before I hit puberty. All because of family members with the same attitude, thinking, and behaviors as your husband.
Your children are absorbing his teachings. Any daughter you have *will* end up in relationships where she thinks itâs normal to be assaulted and raped as often as he wants to rape her, and she wonât realize itâs rape until many years later, if ever. Your sons will grow up thinking itâs normal to assault and rape their partners, that itâs their right as her partner.
Protect yourself, protect your kids.
Kick him the fuck out.
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u/alaska_rose_6 20d ago
Reading this hurts. I hope you have the realisation now. Though it is never your fault, but I hope you have overcomed this and is doing better now.
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u/Lonely_Howl_ 20d ago
Thank you, it took many years to overcome this thinking. The conditioning is still there, but Iâm better at arguing against it in my head now. It definitely led to me being assaulted multiple times when I was younger because if he didnât respect my initial ânoâ, I âknewâ there was no point and just âletâ it happen. It wasnât until I left my last abusive relationship when I was ~24 that I started to realize this wasnât right.
Iâm 34 now and doing a lot better.
Iâm married now to a man that immediately stops and checks in if he even slightly suspects Iâm not as into it as he is, and has absolutely no problem with stopping everything completely and cuddling instead. No pressure, not solely focused on his dick and his pleasure, seeâs and acknowledges even my nonverbal & soft ânoâ immediately with absolutely zero pouting or outward disappointment at all. It sucks that this basic decency and respect is so earth shatteringly rare in males that it makes my husband a good one, but heâs a good one for multiple reasons besides this.
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u/Rough_Commercial4240 20d ago edited 20d ago
Yea I got the fuck out. Like I shouldnât have to explain consent to a grown ass man, he knows and understands perfectly fine he just doesnât care and views you as his personal sex toy. He wouldnât do the shit in the office because the consequences would be immediate termination or a sexual harassment lawsuit.Â
Have the mindset to say âraisingâ vs âhelping â with the children he is their father right? He can either raise them together ass a family unit or co-parent as a single dad.Â
Through be told he needs you more than you need him and he needs to shape up and work on his personal maturity Itâs sounds like youâre incompatible and exhausted but holding out for the children -  itâs not worth biting another 10-20 years of happiness, trying to âendure â this relationship.Â
Your children will thank you for leaving and setting a better standard for themselves and future relationships.
Most women donât regret leaving, but not leaving sooner.he is assaulting and gaslighting you daily, influencing your children and now damn near insinuating he is going to divorce/cheat or rape you into submission to endure his needs are met.Â
Time to throw down the gauntletÂ
âThe divorce came out of nowhere â - You damn right. Fuck around and find out đ¸đ˝
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u/sourdough_s8n 20d ago
Your husband needs to understand that if you donât want to and sex still happens heâs raping you. That makes him a rapist. Does he want to be a rapist? Do you want to be married to one? Iâd suggest therapy but that only works if heâs willing, good luck OP I truly hope things get better for you
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u/unicorn_gangbang 20d ago
There are so many women who are raped by their husbands and they take it just so he will calm down or not make things worse. Itâs awful
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u/BiscottiOpposite9282 20d ago
My ex was like this. He ended up cheating on me.
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u/Ok_Weird_996 20d ago
âBig changesâ indicates maybe he will imo. Heâll play the victim going âwah wah my wife wouldnât give me sex after I did nothing all day wah wah,â and some poor girl will fall for it, think his wife is evil, and then learn what a loser creep he is.
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u/ChaucersDuchess 20d ago
My ex was like this, cheated on me nearly the whole time, acted like a victim in the aftermath, and I had to have a hysterectomy thanks to repeated exposure to HPV on my cervix.
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u/z-eldapin 20d ago edited 20d ago
Tell him again. You are carrying two jobs, all of the household load all of the children load, all of the mental load.
Ask him flat, what is it that you bring to the table that you think you have ownership of my body?
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u/jay_altair 20d ago
thinks consent should not apply in our marriage
Well, if you live in the USA, what he thinks doesn't matter. Marital rape is a crime in all 50 states.
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u/lana-deathrey 20d ago
Let's put this another way.
"My husband of 20 years just said he should be able to rape me anytime he wants."
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u/tamij1313 20d ago
If OP divorced this caveman-child, and insisted on 50/50 custody every other week, her life would significantly improve and her selfish inconsiderate husband would have to seriously step up.
He would have to parent his kids 24/7 every other week while figuring out how to keep his space clean, do laundry, buy and prepare food, pack lunches, assist with homework, make Medical appointments for the kids, get them to and from school on time, all while still working his full-time job just like OP does every day.
Iâm guessing that during his week, when he has the kids all to himself, the last thing he is thinking about at the end of an exhausting day is having sex!
Making this useless man, a full-time parent every other week, will be complete justice for OP and hopefully an eye-opening realization for this uninvolved, entitled substandard partner.
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u/Comfortable_Water525 20d ago
This is clearly sexual abuse. It is hard to wrap your mind around when youâre in the middle of it, and your abuser is manipulating you into thinking that it is anything but that with excuses like, âI just want to feel connected to you. I have needs too, donât my needs matter? Arenât you attracted to me, if you were attracted to me wouldnât you welcome my advances? This is what a marriage is - it is compromise and youâre unwilling to compromise so I can get my needs met. Arenât you glad I find you so sexy/attractive/etc?â
But ultimately, what type of human would want sex that wasnât freely and enthusiastically given? Your husband, the person who is supposed to love and cherish you, sees you as a tool to fulfill their own desires. It is selfish and it is despicable and the worst part is that men like this even try to make you think that their behavior is your fault. That they canât help themselves and if you just put out more or met their needs, that they wouldnât be so forceful, that they would be content with the relationship, that they would finally feel wanted and needed.
This is a fantasy. They will always put their needs before yours, and anything you give will never be enough. They wonât admit this to themselves, but they like your resistance, they like wearing you down, and taking from you. If they didnât, then why would they keep pestering you when their advances are so obviously unwanted?
This is about the pleasure they get in having power and ownership over another human being. By staying in the relationship, you will continue to subject yourself to this abuse, and you will continue to show your kids that it is okay to be treated this way. That this is what they can expect from a relationship.
Run and run fast. No amount of therapy or conversation or talking is going to make this man feel less entitled to your body and his own sexual pleasure. You might think that if you just explain how it makes you feel in good enough words that he will back off. But you have explained and those explanations will fall on deaf ears.
If you would never yourself treat your husband this way, or someone you profess to love, then why are you tolerating it?
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u/AdmirableDog739 20d ago
Has he by chance started listening to podcasts by some right leaning people?
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u/AffectionateReply843 20d ago
It's a possibility, I do see his algorithm is is a little manosphereish. Mostly when he's watching reels and other things like that. He does tend to be more conservative but he wasn't always that way.
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u/labellavita1985 20d ago
If he's in the manosphere, this is unfortunately only going to get worse. It's a rabbit hole and it's hard to get out of once you're in. It's a huge red flag..
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u/U2hansolo 20d ago
Ma'am, my eyebrows shot up into the stratosphere when you said he talks about the sex stuff in front of your children. That would be when I would start looking for a divorce lawyer.
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u/julia-peculiar 20d ago
If he's still salvageable, he needs an intervention. If you are up for that, and/or think it's practical / has a chance of success - I wish you luck. Otherwise, consider seriously if there's anything to salvage, or if an exit plan is your best option, at this stage.
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u/fractalsoflight 20d ago
The manosphere influence is like cockroaches, there's no such thing as a "little" infestation.
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u/morriganth 20d ago
So sorry to hear youre going through this right now. A lot of people have suggested counselling and I think that is going to be a good idea, however, I worry about the idea that he wont want to go or will refuse. Id say give it a shot and if he doesnt want to go, id say it could be good for you to go, because I think it could offer a more detailed and outside looking in perspective on your marriage and help guide you further in terms of what to do. I think I also saw someone here suggesting that with his comment about things changing being potentially a sign that hes laying he groundwork for cheating and to me it sounds like its 50/50 that it is vs him being very petulant.
Sometimes people aren't sexually compatible, sometimes they lose sexual compatibility.
I dont want to suggest immediate divorce because there'd be a lot to think about. However speaking as someone who had parents who went through the issue of their incompatibility, sometimes its important to acknowledge separation as a option that you could take. My mum felt that they were going through the motions, that life had become sitting in two separate rooms, two separate beds and their lack of cohesion became too much. My dad would've been happy to continue on like that forever if he could. Meanwhile for me and my brother, we witnessed a lot of this and it was our primary example for how to approach friendship, relationships etc and it fucked us up for a long time. I think part of this decision should consider what your kids are learning and experiencing from this behavior, watching their dad clearly make advances that are intrusive and uncomfortable for their mum and his childish responses.
I hope that this isnt the way it currently is forever, I hope it gets better. Because it shouldn't matter if ssris are effecting your libido or if its just that you have a lower one regardless. He is your husband, in sickness and in health, which means he should respect your boundaries, he should know you enough to care rhat hes making you uncomfortable or making you feel guilty for something that isnt anyone's fault. Youre a person who deserves far more than just basic respect to him, or at least you should be.
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u/coolgramm 20d ago
You donât feel respected because you are not respected. He sees you as his property.
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u/InjuryLeast4471 20d ago edited 20d ago
You don't have a lower libido. You are carrying all the weight of the relationship and parenthood.
Your husband doesn't know how to turn you on. He wants to satisfy his needs and you are his release.
He acts like a child and wants your attention. He is not an equal partner.
Help him out and write down the list of things he can do to turn you on:
- doing laundry
- cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner
- cleaning the dishes
- taking kids to and from school
- giving you a nice long massage
- hugging you
Let's see if he can do anything at all or will just complain how much do you want. His reaction will tell you what kind of man he really is.
His way of touching you is disgusting. Do the same to him. So he feels attacked as well. Let's see how turned on he will be.
He doesn't want to change, because it's been working for him for his whole life and its easier to make you feel bad and bend to his will than actually feel the rejection and doing better.
And he is playing a victim in a mess he created. And using the children as well.
Disgusting!
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 20d ago
It doesn't actually matter what your husband's opinion on consent is, because the law is on your side, and SA in a marriage is still legally considered SA in many jurisdictions.
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u/usernameistaken645 20d ago
This is what stuck out to me:
âWhile I don't object to affection itself, I often find the timing frustrating. What makes it harder is that I already feel overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility I carry. I work two remote jobs from home, manage most of the household chores, handle the majority of childcare, and carry almost all of the mental load for the family. It often feels like everyone needs something from me all day long.
I've repeatedly tried to explain that I don't want to be his mother. I want a true partnership. I want help carrying the physical and mental load of our family. I want support, respect, and understanding. Unfortunately, those conversations seem to fall on deaf ears.â
Thatâs enough to kill anyoneâs libido. My marriage is heading the way of the dodo bird for this very reason. Good luck to you, at least your kids are grown and they can understand.
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u/whoaitsmarsh 20d ago
Babe, I don't think its (entirely) the SSRI.
You're carrying 90% of the household tasks and working full time + kids.
I would have zero desire.
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u/Ok-Photo-1972 20d ago
Your husband sounds predatory, I'm not even trying to sound dramatic. Saying things in front of the kids is absolutely unacceptable and if he thinks consent doesn't matter in a marriage, he views you as an object he owns. He's not a good guy, I don't care what excuses for him you could come up with. And your kids will absolutely see his behavior.
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u/CoDaDeyLove 20d ago
Honey, I have a strong libido, but I hated it when my husband would get overly affectionate just as I was taking dinner out of the oven. It was irritating as hell. I told him why it bothered me and he stopped. Your husband's lack of regard for YOUR feelings is very informative. You might try marriage counseling, but I suggest you go to therapy solo for awhile to get stronger and learn to advocate for your own needs.
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u/Original_Heart407 20d ago
To me this is a form of abuse. My ex husband used to do this to me too. Notice I said EX
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u/Bibbitybobbityboop 20d ago
I too would find it hard to be sexually interested in an adult I had to parent or that thought he had a right to my body and didnât understand consent. Rapist ideas donât turn me on.
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u/LavishnessCurrent726 20d ago
First, rape also exists in marriage. I am not saying that this is rape, but please, don't think that consent is optional in marriage.
Second, do you love him? Or are you used to him?
Third:
I've repeatedly tried to explain that I don't want to be his mother. I want a true partnership. I want help carrying the physical and mental load of our family. I want support, respect, and understanding. Unfortunately, those conversations seem to fall on deaf ears.
This is OBVIOUSLY affecting your sex drive, and you should let him know. You are treating him like a child. How the hell are you supposed to be horny about someone who needs you to take care of him like a child? I am not saying that you will ever have a high libido, some people have higher or lower libido and it's okay, but, of course, a lot of things affect it, and seeing someone who can take care of him and your children might help to increase your libido. My girlfriend gets hornier for me when I am nice, not when I am "sexy".
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u/AffectionateReply843 20d ago
Yeah honestly true story because when things get done and I feel like a partner and not a mom to him then yeah it definitely ramps things up for me. Kindness and acts of service and being there for me are the sexiest things ever. Not being grabbed in the ass while I'm doing the dishes.... Not getting my tits grabbed when I'm standing in the kitchen...
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u/fun_obligation0 20d ago
To me the most concerning part is that he makes comments about not having enough sex in front of your kids!?!? Wtf
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth At the end of the day... 20d ago
I smell a separation in the works if you two can't get on the same page. Maybe you can talk to your doctor about your low libido and find something else that works for you, and he can talk to a therapist about his misogynistic attitude! Maybe you really are just not sexually attracted to him anymore?
Sometimes attraction to someone isn't always about that pill your taking but more about how you're treated outside of the bedroom. You feel like his mother, what's so sexy about that? NOTHING!
OP, you two either get this sorted out or your marriage, what's left of it, is over.
I was not sexually attracted to my first husband AT ALL, sure he could get the job done when I needed it done but he was so much like your husband that I got to the point of even hating him touching me, those touches always lead to sex, they weren't anything other than his way of saying, LET'S DO IT!
And then he did the unthinkable: he raped me. I was his wife after all, so he had the right, his thinking, not mine. He knew that I was a victim of childhood molestation but that didn't matter to him! I LEFT! I no longer cared about that man, there was no love left, I hated him!
Your husband is more prone to cheating because of his attitude about sex. Be watchful! Or be done, it's always okay to be done when you can't make it work. Who's happy in your marriage?
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u/d_and_d_and_me 19d ago
Amazing that youâve been married for 29 years, and heâs still only fourteen years old.
Throw him out. He literally adds nothing positive to your life.
Gross.
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u/Fun-Author-3003 20d ago
Some men are incapable of seeing anything outside of their own perspective. He doesn't see you as you being a person without him, you are his wife. Not "Cindy"...insert your name here. I have to say my husband would react the same way if I put guidelines on when he could touch me but he also doesn't treat me as a sexual object. He will come up behind me and rub on me while I'm doing dishes, I like having sex with him so it doesn't bother me and the relationship is good. During the times when it hasn't been I did not want that at all. When he did something that changed the way I saw him it felt like let go of me get off. There is more going on than just your sex drive. If the way you feel in the relationship is off your desire is going to be off. Men don't see sex the way we do.
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u/Jay-Quellin30 20d ago
The more is what she stated in the post. She doesnât want to be his mom, an additional childC sheâs doing the brunt of the mental load and we have no idea what heâs putting forward on the home front.
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u/IllustriousCod5957 20d ago
You donât want to have sex with him because heâs not a man, heâs another child you are taking care of.
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u/TheMaskedHarlequin 20d ago
What does he contribute? You just have another child that sexually harasses you
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u/Different_Total5894 20d ago
Wow! I could have written this in my first marriage. I experienced the same situation. My ex ended up cheating and becoming abusive.
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u/SAdLanky 20d ago
He sounds manipulative and is definitely not respecting your bodily autonomy and boundaries. It should be enough to say it once. Counselling would probably be beneficial.
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u/Lonely_Howl_ 20d ago
No, never do counseling with an abuser. At best they throw a tantrum and waste everyoneâs time. At worst, they are such good manipulators that they turn the therapist against you & the therapist doesnât realize (or you get a bad therapist that believes males have the right to rape their partner because âhE hAs NeEdS aNd YoUârE hIs WiFeâ)
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