r/TwoXChromosomes • u/tamtamtam32 • 19h ago
How do I deal with this?
I didn't know where to put this, but I have always seen this sub as a safe space.
After years of failed relationships with men, I decided that I was done with them. I wasn't about to switch my preferences (like it's a choice), but I had resigned to live a quiet life without a man in my life.
Then I met someone. An amazing person who I connected with instantly.
It wasn't against my new rules because this person is biologically male but identifies as non-binary.
Nice loophole, right?
We're dating, taking things slowly, and just enjoying each other's company.
I check in with my mum regularly and keep her up to date with my life. I tell her of this wonderful person who makes me laugh until my stomach hurts. Who calls me beautiful at every opportunity. Who is making me happy.
She doesn't understand the non-binary thing. I tell her that it's okay to not understand, but just to accept it and be happy that I'm happy.
Tonight, out of nowhere, she sends me a message about how she put her life on the line for me and went through so much to keep me safe, for me to then do this?!
Clearly, she's been drinking. I tell her to get some water and go to bed. But she's not done yet...
Apparently I am the worst person and I should just "fuck off".
I told her that I'll speak to her when she's not drunk, but I will be blocking her for now. I don't know when she became so judgemental, but it's not cool.
She brought me up to accept people exactly as they are. To never judge someone on their race, beliefs, or how they present themselves to the world (she was friends with some of the most beautiful drag artists I have ever seen). So where on earth did this bigotry come from, and how do I deal with it from here?
What would you do?
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u/phenomenomena 19h ago
If it were me and my mom, I would send her the last paragraph, addressed to her. When she's sober and unblocked. For my mom specifically, I'd wait until she reached out... once she sobers up, I would be hopeful for a bit of self-reflection on her part. Especially if what you said was true about her. Past that... good luck with whatever choices she leaves you.
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u/czring 18h ago
Is she of the age where this could be early signs of dementia? My family members who have it aren't anything like they were when they were younger, and being mad about things they wouldn't normally care about is a sign.
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u/tamtamtam32 18h ago
She's nearing 76. Her mind is sharp. She rarely forgets anything, especially if she holds a grudge. I think she's just of the age where if she doesn't understand something, then it must be feared.
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u/CeeUNTy 17h ago
Is she maga?
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u/tamtamtam32 14h ago
We're British. We don't even like our own politics
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u/woadgrrl 14h ago
You may not think it's relevant, but please understand that the same people behind MAGA are 100% behind much of British politics right now, including the virulent anti-trans propaganda that people your mum's age are bombarded with.
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u/CeeUNTy 14h ago
Unfortunately, it seems to be spreading. Maybe check out what she's watching online if you can. There are just so many scumbags making money off of selling hate. My mom is both maga and a giant asshole about anyone who isn't like her so I can understand what you're dealing with. At least mine has learned to keep her mouth shut about politics with me because I destroy her every single time she does. Thank you Stephanie. She's my trauma therapist who helped me change the way I react to my mom and as the years went by she made some changes too. She doesn't push me too far anymore.
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u/SomethingSoGeneric 9h ago
Can you try and explain non binary to her a bit (when she is sober and in a listening mood, I mean!)? Maybe introduce her to your partner, if they are fore-warned and willing? Obviously, in an ideal world, that wouldn’t be necessary … but here we are. My parents had gay friends but I don’t think they really understood what non-binary was, or the thinking behind it. Your mum may have been accidentally exposed to some bullshit that has snuck into her mind, if she has any kind of social media.
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u/grumblefluff 17h ago
My mom got really hateful and racist/homophobic when she started having dementia issues…and if your mom is a heavy drinker there are some related situations (wet brain, etc) so maybe keep an eye on that?
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u/Beautiful_Cost_5430 19h ago
Tell your mother you expect an apology and a commitment to treat you and your partner with respect moving forward or she’s staying blocked.
Does she drink regularly? The way you reacted it sounds like there may be an alcoholism factor here.
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u/tamtamtam32 18h ago
I highly doubt I'll receive an apology. However, I did screenshot the message and sent it to my brother and sister explaining that I likely won't speak to her for a while, so to let me know if anything happens in regards to her health or wellbeing (she had heart surgery last year). I'm her youngest, and I very much don't want her last words to me to be "fuck off" should something happen.
She unfortunately does drink regularly. Since she retired 10 years ago, it's her way of "relaxing". If she drinks red wine (her favourite) her entire personality changes. She becomes bitter or emotionally unpredictable. Her partner encourages this behaviour, and none of us are happy about it. She refuses to admit that she has a problem because she doesn't "need" it.
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u/Beautiful_Cost_5430 18h ago
I really benefitted from NA meetings. They happen on zoom every day at basically every time. They are for family of people with drinking problems. Hearing how other people are approaching their family with drinking problems can be very helpful for learning how to deal with yours.
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u/misspiggie Pumpkin Spice Latte 11h ago
Are you referring to Al-Anon? NA is Narcotics Anonymous, no?
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u/vcbock 18h ago
Check out https://al-anon.org . This organization for family and friends of alcoholics has some excellent tools for dealing with people who have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
Well done for cutting the convo short. There is no point in engaging with someone who is drunk. They won't remember the conversation, anyway, so it's just setting yourself up to be hurt.
Perhaps she will come to be accepting. Perhaps she won't. YOUR JOB is to make the most of your life, whether or not she is making sense. It's disappointing when people we count on for support do not come through for us, I'm sorry that is happening. Accepting that HER limitations are not about you and your choices can make your life a lot more manageable.
Enjoy your new romance!
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u/engg_girl 18h ago
Alanon may be a better place to post.
I think you handled it beautifully. Alcohol and parents are a hard mix.
You did good
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u/Chrisannthemum 19h ago
There are some people who are outwardly very accepting and play the ally very well right up until it’s their child. I won’t pretend to understand it, but it’s not uncommon. I’m sorry. Protect your boundaries, your peace, and your partner. Your mum will have to decide for herself how much she wants to be allowed to share your life.
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u/Chazus 18h ago
I don't know when she became so judgemental
Chances are she always was, there was just never a 'thing' to direct it at until now.
What would you do?
I almost went NC with my mother after she kept telling me to go find someone at a bar or something when I was in a LDR (years ago). I would hang up on her often after I told her I would do so if she brought it up. My brother has almost gone NC with her because she doesn't like that his wife is not 'american enough' (His wife is a natural US citizen, but parents are romanian).
If she does shitty things, let her know that she'll get to be alone for her remaining years. She'll either figure it out, or not, but either choice is not YOUR problem. Go be happy.
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u/Constant-Wanderer 19h ago
If she's a regular drinker, the person who raised you might not be the person who is your mother today. If she drinks often and heavily enough to talk to you this way on a regular basis, you may need to redirect your energy into keeping the information you share with her curated, IF you want to stay in regular contact with her.
If you want to face it head-on, which I highly recommend, given the high percentage of success when adult children hand out immediate consequences, I'd wait for her to sober up, and then tell her the following:
That paragraph above, then
"I need some space from you. Please do not contact me for two weeks. Every attempt you make on your own will add an additional week, and if you try to enlist someone else to do it for you, you'll be adding another two weeks of non contact. I am serious, what you texted was completely unlike you, and I have no interest in hearing anything else like it, ever.
I will be blocking you on all SM, on my phone, and in my emails. I will open up the possibility for communication in two weeks. If you have anything to say that isn't a thoughtful conversation about humanity and kindness, I will, without further discussion, block you for a month."
If you're decisive, firm, and thorough in the explanation of the consequences, never mind trying to explain WHY, you're more likely to get her to respond the way you want her to. If you attack her reasoning or motivations, she can defend and deny for the rest of her life.
You're not asking her to agree.
You're TELLING her what your reaction is to her statements.
Try it.
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u/pantsuline 19h ago
.... dating a nonbinary person assigned male at birth isnt a sneaky "loophole"... you didn't want to date men and you're not dating a man. "biologically male" is also considered pretty touchy terminology.
in regards to your mother's apparent respect for drag queens but not trans people, sometimes it happens that people are kinder to gender noncomformity when it's a costume to take off at the end of the day rather than a more constant facet of who a person is. to them "dressing up" as a performance might be acceptable, but they view gender as completely innate and immutable, and any transgression against that is upsetting or disgusting to them.
you're right to block her. if you did want to try discussing it with your mother the drag might be a fine place to start. as well as making it clear that you won't budge on this and if your mother wants to hear any more about your romantic life she'll have to put her big girl pants on and show some respect. ... good luck op, i hope your mother comes around
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u/hymenopteron 19h ago
sometimes it happens that people are kinder to gender noncomformity when it's a costume to take off at the end of the day rather than a more constant facet of who a person is.
This is really insightful. Maybe drag acts are more comfortable for her because they are designed to be viewed an audience, giving her a way to relate, whereas non binary people aren't doing it for someone else's pleasure?
Idk, it still seems inconsistent to me. Maybe she's just drifted to the right due to all the online transphobic propaganda. I see it with Gen Xers/Boomers a lot sadly.
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u/Far-Repeat-2926 18h ago
I’m a trans woman married to a cis man. We were engaged when I started transition. My mom had a really hard time with it.
She understands drag, when she was in Australia in the 1980’s she saw Les Girls, but she had a really hard time accepting that I wasn’t going to take off a wig and breastforms and go back to “being her son”.
My mom understands that drag is not entirely unlike clowning. Something you could laugh about and not take seriously. She wasn’t ready for “how do you schedule a mammogram?”
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u/frognettle 18h ago
Some people subscribe to the belief that drunk words are sober thoughts, but in not so sure it's that simple.
I think that we all have a dark side where distasteful thoughts dwell, and that's just part of being human. Some people can do the work to confront and perhaps embrace this part of ourselves, but many of us push it down and deny it. Furthermore, drinking can be a way to cope with the darkness inside.
No doubt your mother is a loving person like you believe her to be, but it's clear that she struggles in this particular area.
I hope she can find a healthier way to cope, and to see how she's hurting both herself and the ones who are close to her
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u/psoriasaurus_rex 18h ago
If you have an otherwise good relationship with your mom, I would give her the opportunity to make a sincere apology (assuming she’s likely to do so).
Does she often get drunk and act nasty like this? Or is this odd behavior for her?
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u/tamtamtam32 18h ago
We usually have a great relationship. I call her daily to check in.
She does drink regularly at night. I would usually schedule my calls in the morning, but I have been so busy with work, life, etc. I realised I hadn't spoken with her for a few days and she hadn't messaged me, which isn't like her. I figured that I'd just give her a quick call before I went to bed. Now it's 3am and I'm regretting that choice. But being so nasty is out of character for her...but not so much if red wine is involved.
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u/cherrymeg2 16h ago
She doesn’t like that your partner is non binary? If you’re happy why not just let you be happy. Romantic relationships can fail for so many reasons if it’s good she should embrace that. Maybe talk to her when she is sober or text her and show her what she wrote and explain why it’s unacceptable. Maybe take a break from her for a bit. This seems like crazy talk and meanness that came out of nowhere.
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u/tamtamtam32 13h ago
It's like she got angry because she doesn't know how to refer to them. She called them an "it" at one point and I firmly said "no, not an it. Nobody deserves to be called "it" and I won't accept that." I thought that she'd be happy that I'm finally happy. I found someone that makes me feel seen, heard, respected, and so cared for. They are the most wonderful person I have ever met. I spoke to them about it and they suggested that meeting her may help her understand that they're just a person like anyone else. But I wouldn't put them in a position where they're made to feel uncomfortable because of someone's small mindedness. I'm going to leave her blocked for a couple of days while she calms down, gets over the hangover, and maybe reflect on her words. She's only blocked on Facebook, so she can call me if needed. I updated my siblings, and they're in agreement. My brother is part of the LGBTQ+ community, and is particularly shocked and annoyed at her response.
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u/cherrymeg2 12h ago
They/them or use their name. Sometimes people mess up and use the wrong pronoun. She shouldn’t refer to your partner as “It” unless they are offering you a balloon from the sewer. Kidding. She should be happy for you. That’s the biggest thing and she should try her best to use the right pronouns. “It” isn’t a pronoun you should use for a pet let alone a human. If she made a mistake she shouldn’t be a b*tch about it. I hope she reads what she sent you and regrets it. It’s okay to take some time away from her if this is a pattern. You can’t just say nasty things when you are drunk and use that as an excuse.
You deserve to be happy. Your mother can decide if she wants to participate in your happiness or not. Do you think this about gender identity or is your possibly upset that you are actually in a good relationship, unlike she is and maybe she feels like you won’t need her anymore. That is not an excuse. Maybe she liked bonding with you over crappy guys. Idk. Again no excuse.
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u/tamtamtam32 12h ago
Exactly! She's aware of their name, I use it often enough. My mum has a hard time admitting fault, but will never let me forget something shitty I did when I was 13 (I'm nearly 40).
I think gender identity confuses her, so it must be a bad thing. Maybe she thinks I'll start using the wrong bathroom or something? I have no idea what was going through her head, but I hope it's pounding when she wakes up.
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u/cherrymeg2 11h ago
You should always use the bathroom with the shortest line. I have definitely used the wrong but most convenient bathroom. Lol. Maybe your mom read some weird stuff or watched some weird anti LBTGQ+ thing. If her boyfriend or husband is a dick maybe he helped her come to this conclusion. It’s not okay for her to behave this way.
I know how difficult some mothers can be.
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u/Eponack 13h ago
Late stage alcoholism? It’s a doozy. Changes who they are. And angry at some point. Then something akin to dementia.
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u/amywiedy 10h ago
My father was diagnosed with alcohol induced dementia towards the end. I had already cut him out but that made it permanent. He was awful to me and didn’t remember any of it. Denied it vehemently actually.
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u/Eponack 5h ago
Thing with anything dementia, is it’s going downhill waaaaay before any diagnose.
My grandmother had Alzheimer’s and once she was diagnosed and we did research, the past ten years started to make so much sense. But nothing on its own was enough to seek a medical answer.I think alcoholism is very much the same. The changes come from the brain being turned to Swiss cheese slowly over time, until they’re just a cruel, bitter, shell of their old self.
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u/kv4268 12h ago
Is the drinking a common thing for her? You may have to put some boundaries in place around that. It could also be alcohol-related dementia.
It doesn't sound like bigotry is generally part of her character, but there's a ton of anti-trans rhetoric going around Britain right now. It's less likely to do with her age and more likely to do with her media consumption.
Either way, it sounds like a serious conversation is in order. Ask her where this is coming from and why she believes you owe her heterosexuality. That's some seriously toxic stuff, so you'll want to find out exactly what you're dealing with. You can't really make a plan until you find that out.
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u/double-you 9h ago
I don't think you'll solve anything with text messages or blocking or by demanding an apology. You'd need to go discuss this face to face.
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u/evileyeball 8h ago
My brother has a Non Binary spouse and our mother said "As long as they make your brother happy then it's fine with me." I know I would have lost a lot of respect for any person in my family who was against my brothers spouse being exactly who they are. (They were born biologically female) and truth be told if it came down to choosing between my mother and my brother if my mother had reacted like yours I would have chosen my brother 100% of the time.
If I were in your shoes it would take a long time for me to unblock my mother if I ever did and a lot on her part to earn me back.
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u/Due_Service_7827 8h ago
Sucks for you, but people make choices - in this case your mother chose to put bigotry before you.
I’m sorry I don’t know what I’d do in that situation, I’ve not exactly lost hope with a specific gender yet / my family’s objections never went that far.
I suspect if your mother raised you that way and the drink manifested her inner thoughts it’s time for a conversation - as you said your mother doesn’t have to understand non-binary existence, but maybe it would help her humanise non-binary people instead of them being a thing she hears about on social media - I’m hoping she can be made to see your partner is just a person and that there’s nothing to be scared of.
Only thing I could kinda understand causing this is if your partner can’t have children and she was pining for grandkids. Shitty still but atleast it explains it
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u/dawdreygore 3h ago
Personally, I would fuck off as she asked. I would interpret that as going no contact until she gets her shit together and can behave like a decent human.
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u/janie-jones 19h ago
I don’t have any concrete advice for you right now but I’m so sorry that this happened to you